Disclaimer-ness: We don't own Witch Hunter Robin, McDonalds, or whatever else; however, the fic is OURS! MWAhahahahaha...
A/N: Yes, this fic is co-written by Ais of Amon and Laundry DOOOoooOOOoooOOOm, and Princess Dexter of... well, what did you write, Dex? I know you wrote something, but my brain has just drawn a blank. I'm sorry!!!! I can officially tell you that she wrote The Great Spork Ninja Affair, though; a great and wondrous piece of literature! Well, I think so, anyways! :D So, yeah, we're writing this parody of insanity; after all every other damn pairing in the WHR universe has been done! Hrumph! –grumbles— So just don't take us seriously, and I think we'll be fine. Aisness has the word 'Ais' in front of it, and Dexness has the word 'Dex' in front of it. Oh yes! I, Ais, am independently calling this After The Factory, because Michael is moving around freely an' crap. Y'know. :D
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Ais: Michael was happy. It was a beautiful warm spring day, he had the day off, he had nothing to do, he had a Big Mac Meal under one arm and a laptop under the other, his MP3 player was up full blast, and he was heading for the park.
Why, he was practically skipping.
In fact, he was! He surreptitiously skipped along happily (I mean, skipping along happily isn't exactly manly, now is it) and took a deep breath of the fresh spring air.
And promptly sneezed. He had forgotten he was allergic to marigolds, and he had just passed a huge pot of them sitting on the sidewalk.
The sneezing threw his happy rhythm of surreptitious skipping, and his glasses flew off, and he tripped over a tree root sticking up through the concrete sidewalk.
Big Mac Meal: ZWINNNNGGGG....
Laptop: ZWINNNGGGG....
Michael gave a cry! Time stood still! There was his precious laptop flying through the air! It would DIE!
He did the only natural thing. He took a giant football tackle running leap.
Once again, time utilized its annoying habit of standing still.
Michael hung in the air, the laptop hung in the air, the bag of McDonalds food hung in the air, the glasses hung in the air, the...
Oops! And then suddenly Ais hit the pause button again and everybody fell back down.
WHUMP!" went Michael. "I caught it! I did! And I didn't break any bones!"
Something shifted underneath him. "Murphle gumble iffle GEEP GEEF GABBLE!" it said.
Michael's eyes went wide, and he stared at his laptop. "Did you... did you speak?"
Erph!" The Something pushed him hard and he flew backwards off It. He clutched the laptop and felt around for his tinted glasses and food.
"Little..." The Something noted the sign saying 'Little Ears: Keep Your Language Clean' floating in the air. "... weirdo! What is wrong with you?"
And then It disentangled itself from its various parcels and its hair, and we could see that it was indeed the famed Touko, daughter of the late, not- so-great Zaizen. Michael put on his glasses.
He was immediately struck by the Great Beauty in front of him. Literally and figuratively. "Uh... er... I... just... sort of tripped... and I dropped my laptop... and..."
Dex: "Then what was the deal with the running tackle?"
Michael stared at her, aghast. "You...what? Didn't you hear me?" He remembered something about how she'd been in a sanitarium. Wait - that was just a fancy name for LOONY BIN. He felt a bit sad at the tragic waste of it all. She was, undeniably, a Great Beauty, but obviously deranged. "I dropped my laptop. I had to save it."
She gave him a dirty look. "I really don't think it would have been damaged. It seems well protected."
He looked down at the computer. Well, he had wrapped it in bubble wrap - a security measure against droppage. Then he'd folded a couple of teatowels around it. And then slipped it in a pillowcase. And then tied it up with string. And then put a little card on it so it looked like a present, only the card read, "To Michael. With love from Michael." He cursed himself for being a) such a loser, b) such a clumsy loser and c) such an unimaginative loser.
Here he was with this beautiful (Great-ly Beaut-iful) woman on his lap and he'd come across as an idiot. And now she knew he was unhealthy. He eyed the Big Mac meal with immediate hatred.
Big Mac Meal: Oh.
Michael: It's all your fault!
Big Mac Meal: Sob
Touko prodded him. "Hey, you! Mulletboy? Hello?" He returned his attention to her, blinking rapidly at her luminous beauty. "Were you just talking to your takeout?"
He shook his head. "No. Nope. I most definitely WAS NOT. No."
She stared at him for a moment, then nodded. "Riiigggghhht." She started to get up. Michael clutched at her arm in a moment of impassioned panic.
"I wasn't! Truly, I wasn't! Why would I talk to a Big Mac Meal?"
Big Mac Meal: Well...
Michael: SHUT UP!!!
Big Mac Meal: Waah.
Touko brushed his arm away with disgust. "Really Michael. You do remember that I dated the prince of self-delusion? I can tell when people are lying. You could have just admitted it. I talk to things too, you know."
She picked up her bags. "I was in the...asylum for a while. You meet all sorts of folks. Yes, you do." She smiled hazily into the distance and walked off, pausing to shout obsenities at the water fountain.
Michael watched her go, heart thudding inside his chest. I love her, he thought, smiling as Touko frightened nearby children with her reindition of 'Singin' in the Rain'. I think I've found my soul mate. He picked up his laptop/present and skipped happily back to the office, unable to hide his newfound joy from anyone. Let them judge - Michael was in love.
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Ais: "Er... Michael, what exactly are you doing?" Doujima asked.
"Hmm?"
"I said, what are you doing?
"Oh, just cleaning off my glasses."
"You've been shining that old foam coffee cup from Huck's for fifteen minutes."
"I have?" He glanced down. "Oh, so I have. Well, well." Absently he began shining the cup again.
Sakaki walked in. "Hi Doujima. Hi Michael... Michael?"
Doujima looked mildly disturbed. "Sakaki, I think you might want to see this."
"He's shining a foam coffee cup from Huck's?"
"And he's been doing it for the past fifteen minutes."
Sakaki crouched down in front of Michael. "Michael, can you hear me?"
"...Siiiiingin' in the raiiinn... Oh hi, Haruto... just siiingin' in the raiiiin..."
Sakaki glanced at Doujima. "Michael? How many fingers am I holding up?"
"...what a glooorious feeeelin'... it sounds so much better when she sings it... I'm haaappy agaiiin..."
Sakaki grabbed Michael under the arms. "C'mon Doujima, help me!"
"What are we doing?"
"We're taking him down to the hospital for a drug test."
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Touko waltzed unsteadily over to her computer and turned it on, pulling out the chair. "...I love to be in America, I want to be in America... I just love that song! Wait! What the...?"
She flopped down in the chair and stared wide eyed at the picture that appeared when her computer booted up: It was Mulletboy, grinning broadly, holding a bunch of flowers in one hand and a sign in the other reading, "HI! I'M MICHAEL! I LOVE YOU!"
Touko shrieked and tipped the chair over backwards in surprise and distress.
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Dex: "...and then I sent her an email that confessed the magnitude of my feelings." Sakaki rubbed his head. And then slapped himself. Ah. That was better.
"You what? Michael, this is just weird. I mean its Touko! Zaizen's crazy daughter. Amon's psychotic ex. Robin's spooky old flatmate." He sighed. Michael had gone starry eyed. It was no use. He couldn't talk any sense into him. He got up. It was probably for the best that he let Michael experience heartbreak on his own. After all, this relationship was doomed from the start. They were two very different people from very different worlds. And countries.
"I wonder if she knows any other musical numbers," he heard Michael ask himself. "I'm rather partial to 'Memory', myself."
Shaking his head, Sakaki left his friend to his own devices.
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Touko clawed her way back up to the desk, and trembling somewhat, sat on the chair. Michael.gif was now waving the flowers over his head and she was reminded of one of the dreams she had when at the sanitarium...
FLASHBACK TO TOUKO'S DREAM
A faceless man was standing before her. "Tooooooooouuuuuuuuukkkkkkkoooooooo," he said, coming closer, shadows fading at his approach. He was holding something, she looked, light fell upon them - they were flowers -
Then he waved them over his head and she woke up
END OF TOUKO'S DREAM
Touko shivered. That one had always freaked her out. She understood the one about the dancing bears, and could even get some meaning from the Amon-in-a- ballgown one, but this dream she just couldn't work out.
She clicked on the Mulletboy picture and deleted the file. She opened her inbox.
"You have 749 new messages." In shock, she scrolled down the "FROM" list.
They were all from one Michael Lee.
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Ais: "OOOOklahoma!" Michael sang, skipping down the hall. "OOOOKlahoma, where the wind blows freee..."
"I still can't believe the drug test came up clean," Doujima muttered.
"I still can't believe he's got some kind of weird crush on Touko!" Sakaki grumbled. "Didn't that phase you at all?"
"One just has to learn to ignore these things..." Doujima sighed. "No, no, Michael, that's the... Michael! Stop!"
With a resounding CRASH! Michael ran into the window. "Well, well. How did that get there? HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PRO-BLEM LIKE MA-RI-A..."
"Can't he sing something else?" Sakaki grumbled again, as he and Doujima each grabbed one of Michael's arms and dragged him, singing and skipping all the way, through the door.
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Touko opened one of the emails.
"Hi! I'm Michael, the American guy with the mullet! I love you!" She deleted it and opened the next one.
"Hi! It's Michael again! Just wanted to make sure you knew I loved you!"
The next one read: "Hi! It's me, Michael! Did I surprise you? LOL :D"
And: "Hi! It's Michael! I like fish!" And: "Oh yeah! I like computers too!"
And: "And Cheetos!"
And: "And did I forget to mention I love you?"
And: "And I like funny names! Bob is a funny name!"
Touko groaned and deleted out her entire inbox, perhaps the only sane thing she'd done in months. She didn't even feel like singing "Guinivere", her favorite song. She decided she might as well shut down her computer.
The usual window came up. 'Would you like to: Shut down the computer? Restart the computer? Restart in MS-DOS mode?' As usual, she hit "Shut Down The Computer" and "OK."
Immediately an image of Michael popped up. "BYEEEE..." it cried, waving its 'I Love You, Touko!' sign in three languages.
Touko once again shrieked and nearly plummeted backwards, catching herself just in time.
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Dex: "He looks so peaceful when he's sleeping," Doujima said wearily, as she and Sakaki dragged Michael's unconscious body back to his cupboard (ooops, I meant bedroom) at the STN-J. She paused to wipe the sweat from her forehead. For a skinny guy, Michael sure was heavy. Too heavy...
"Sakaki!" she cried, pushing Michael upright. "Help me!"
Together they pulled at his black shirt, the one that was mysteriously tucked in today. Ripping it from his waistband, they watched in horror as a multitude of disturbing items poured from under his clothes.
"EEP!" screamed Sakaki, jumping back in horror as the playbill to 'Evita' came skidding towards him. Doujima batted ineffectively at a dozen of those shiny loveheart balloons on sticks. A robodog had also been magically concealed under the hacker's t-shirt and wove between their legs, barking all the while.
Moving to get out of the manic robotic dog's way, Sakaki slipped on one of the cards accompanying the long stemmed roses and fell to the floor, pulling Doujima with him. They lay on the ground in a tangle of limbs, amidst all the crap. They looked up at Michael, still sleeping soundly. Standing up.
"He looks so peaceful when he's sleeping," Doujima said sourly. Sakaki could only agree.
Touko stood under the shower (hey! Stop peeking!) hoping the warm spray would send her to sleep. Not while she was in the shower, mind you. Sometime after she'd gotten out, dried herself and put her nightgown on. Yeah. It wasn't going so well, however, since every time she closed her eyes she was haunted by the images of Mulletboy on her computer.
"Aaargh!" she screamed, opening her eyes. There was bashing on the wall.
"Keep it down in there, will ya?"
"Sorry, Mr. Hamiyo!" she called back, hanging her head under the water. This has got to stop, she told herself. She had to tell Michael to stop doing all this. It was freaking her out. To have come out of a nice 'stable' relationship with Amon only to be...attacked...by a young hacker with a mullet - it was more than her already vulnerable mind could handle. Yes, she had to tell him. Turning off the faucet, Touko got out of the shower. She smiled grimly. She had a plan. ...................................................................
Ais A/N: Me and my black Godsmack T-shirt and large amounts of black kohl eyeliner and four-inch-heeled black boots say to review or else. –attempts threatening expression, breaks into laughter—Man, I look threatening anyways. My threatening expression just looks funny. Hope you enjoyed it!
Slainte,
Ais who is writing this ultra-pointless A/N, and Dex who is not
(PS: It appears to have f'd my format, so I hope it looks okay. I had to redo it all. Eeps.)