Am I not good enough for the world?
Am I destined only to die the same way that I lived?
- Tomorrow by The Atari's
The memories were dreadful enough in scattered places, but now, at Hogwarts, she haunts you. With her long hair and her bright eyes, you can sense her filing in a finding a seat within your masses of students. You can smell her in the Great Hall and accidently chased a second year, Ginny Weasley, out of your classroom because from the behind, she was so much like her.
As you walk through halls you tred on so many years ago, you feel it as instinct to turn around and make sure Peter's kept up with the pace and keep a keen eye out for Snivellus to push him away so neither Sirius nor James can see him. But if you laid so much as a hand on Proffesor Snape now, he'd probably hex you into next week. Your eyes get lost in crowds of unfamiliar faces when you find yourself looking for the boys.
Fragmented memories of your days here rattle on, and it seems she's omnipresent in all them.
The first Hogsmeade trip of the year, and while Sirius spends his time fratrenizing with the Slytherin's at Hog's Head and Peter tags behind James, you find yourself alone with Lilly - not for the first time.
"They say it's haunted," she says, fascinated by the Shrieking Shack, "the screaming didn't get bad 'til about a year ago. I feel kindof bad for ghosts, being Muggle and all I don't see many."
The snow sticks to her hand and her mittened hands grip the fence.
"Feel bad? Well they were stupid enough to be howling about something, now weren't they?"
She turns to you, her eyes wide, "I've never heard you be so cruel, Remus. Thy could be screaming at their murderer for all we know."
"Or they could be screaming at themselves."
"I guess I've never thought about it that way." She shuddered, "Let's go. This place gives me the creeps."
It's been years since you embarked on the street to face that horrid house from the outside, much less the inside. Ripped bits of furniture appear in your dreams sometimes, and scars still trace the skin of your shoulders and most your chest, constant reminders of the fate you've brought upon yourself.
"Bloody hell, Remus." She said, cursing continually to herself.
"What is it?" He asked alarmingly, leaning toward her.
"I've sliced my hand something awful," She said, extending her open palm which was quickly filling with blood. She pulled the long ribbon out of her hair but couldn't manage to tie it around.
"It's too short," she groaned, biting her lip, "Oh Remus, it won't stop bleeding. Please, do something! I hate blood!" She became more distraught as the miliseconds passed; he ripped off his tie and soaked up the blood, then wrapped the fabric around her hand. The cut was so deep that it bled through the tie, and puddled in the palm of his hands.
The smell alone was enough to get to him, the night before a full moon to add to it. It was dusk, nearing time for him to meet Madame Pomfrey, and his eyes widened as the smell hit his nose. An immense craving to rip apart her skin and deepen the cut formed within his head and his mouth watered. If he could manuver the tie...
"Remus! Come on! Let's go to the infirmary. All this blood, making me dizzy."
She ripped her hand from his palms and blood spattered on their homework as she led him to the infirmary, allowing him to fall out of his reverie.
Remus now realized how dangerous it was to allow a werewolf into Hogwarts, no matter how much Dumbledore had safe-proofed the plans. If he had attacked her he would've never, ever been able to forgive himself. Sometimes he wondered exactly how it was that he managed all those close calls, but figured that for once, Lady Luck had been on his side.
"You've been so bitter lately. I worry about you," sincerity is etched onto her face and you can't help but wish to touch her cheeks, to kiss those frowning lips.
"It's nothing."
"No, it's something, Remus J. Lupin. You've been freezing people out for far too long to not tell me what's happening. You look like you're about to keel over with exhaustion, you've been fighting with Sirius, and according to James you've not been eating right. I feel like I never see you anymore."
Truth be told, things were getting harder. It was sixth year and your N.E.W.T's were killing you. You spent hour after hour pouring after books in the library and your transformations had become steadily more painful month after month. It didn't help James and Lilly had finally begun dating, either.
"You've been talking to James about me then? Thanks for that," you said sarcastically and her frown deepened, "What do you care, anyway?"
"James came to me! You're scaring me, Remus. What happened? Did someone say something? Cos if they did, its all bullocks. You're perfect, Remus. Don't let anyone let you think any different."
And that was what you'd never heard before, what you needed to hear. She was telling you what you'd been telling yourself your entire life wasn't true. She'd come into your cold heart and lit up even the darkest of places, whenever you had a sour transformation you'd be enthusiastic to heal, to get back on your feet just to see her again.
The final ball, your last night as Hogwarts students, and she was in your arms rather than James's. But that was just because James was dancing with Sirius - they'd downed unsufferable amounts of the spiked punch and were now unsuccessfully trying to begin a ragged Conga Line in a corner of the room.
You tried not to realize how it felt to have her in your arms, how everytime she smiled your heart broke. For she was James's now, far from ever being your's.
Your lips were mere inches from her soft skin as you said, "You and I would've never worked, right?"
Your words were heavy but you meant every syllable of them and she lifted her head, letting your eyes lock with her tear-filled ones.
"D-don't do this now." She said, tears falling down her face.
"There's no other time to do it."
A week later she and James were engaged.
The night before the wedding, you'd managed to slip from Jame's wild bachelor party to go to the open-topped church where she'd walk down the eisle to become Mrs. James Potter the following day. Instead, you found her sitting on the back pew, crying.
"Have you seen Sirius's new motorbike?" She asked you as if you were old friends at a bar, not like she'd been crying mere moments before and you weren't in love with her.
"Yes, of course. And heard it, too." You were both grinning like mad.
"Don't you go riding that thing, it's bloody dangerous!" She was serious, but it was a rather funny comment to make.
"Have a little faith in me, Lilly!"
"I always will."
Your laughter died down rather quickly and you caught one another's gaze, but you broke it.
"Look, Remus, I've been meaning to ask you. My dad died two years ago, and you're the closest person in the world to me. It would mean alot to me if you'd walk me down the aisle tomorrow."
And so the next morning you gave her away, a kiss on the cheek for thanks.
She lingers on because Hogwarts never changes. Sure the children age and grow and even have children of their own, but the walls still stand and the ghosts still live there - even the ghost you don't see. Especially the ghosts you don't see, like her, because they are far more haunting than the antimate ones.
Author's note: the end is a bit choppy cos ff.net and I got in a fight. Ugh, never written Remus/Lilly before and not really a member of this ship, so if it's all wrong... my apologizes. For some good Remus/Lilly work, read some stories by Abigail-Nicole or Liebling. Err don't have much to say. Riverbend rocked, Tyler is hot, Zane is my hero, Mary is cool, Seth is an ass, Liz I didn't mean it like that, Nat you and Kate are annoying. Sidebar.
Review, please!