Isclaimerday: We only own… well, what do we own? –dumps out purse—I own enough to get a gumball from the gumball machine, the first volume of Alice 19th, an air conditioner, and this fic. That's all. No brand names, or WHR.

Ais A/N: Yes, you heard me right… Ais FINALLY GOT AIR CONDITIONING! So she's happy.

--throws sheets in washer, puts them on superwash, comes back-- Let's see where this goes… Not the sheets, the fic! The fic!

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Ais: My plan is foolproof! Touko thought. She reviewed the list she had created:

Find out where Mulletboy lives. Create brilliant plan to sneak into said dwelling. Buy shaving cream, marshmallow fluff, peanut butter, and blackstrap molasses. Create secret concoction of last three ingredients. Buy Ninja mask/black T-shirt/black backpack. Put brilliant plan into action.

Hey, don't look at us, this is Touko's plan.

She smiled grimly. "What do you think, Billy Bob?" she asked her hairdryer. "Want to come with me?"

"Oh, I don't know," Billy Bob said nervously. "I never do things write. See? I just spelled it wrong."

"Oh Billy Bob, remember when I was in therapy? The doctor told me not to lie to myself! So you shouldn't either! You're a great, strong, handsome, brilliant hairdryer, Billy Bob."

"But…"

"Billy Bob… I have a confession to make. I think… I think I love you."

"Really?"

"Yes! I swore to Chad that I would never love another, but…"

"I'm sure Chad would have just wanted you to be happy. He was a good washing machine."

Touko sniffed and took a big white handkerchief from her pocket. "Yes. Yes, he was."

………………………………….

"…'Cause everybody huuuuurrrrrttsss, everybody huuuuuurrrrrttts, ssooooometimmeeesss…" Michael sang from the spot on the floor where he was curled in a fetal position clutching his laptop, drawing all the notes out… and out… and out…and out of tune… and off key…

Miho groaned and held her head. Sakaki passed around a bottle of whiskey again. Doujima sat in shock as she had been doing the entire day, except when somebody held the whiskey bottle up to her mouth. Chief was sitting glued to his chair (figuratively), and Hattori seemed to have had a sudden burning desire to shine the outer gate.

"Cheer up, Michael," Miho said desperately. "Maybe she just hasn't checked her email yet."

"Everybody criiiieeeess… NO! SHE HATES ME! SHE'LL NEVER ANSWER! WHY IS LIFE SO CRUEL? …Sooometiiiimmmesss…"

"My God, my God, why hast thou abandoned me?" Miho wailed at the ceiling. Can you imagine Miho wailing? Neither can I. But it's an extreme situation.

"And we're all out of whiskey!" Sakaki wailed. Maybe that's why they wailed?

Michael finished his vague rendition of 'Everybody Hurts' and moved on to 'Summer of '69.'

"I got my first real six-string, down at the five-and-dime, played it till my fingers bled…" Michael paused. "That's not sad! I want a sad song!"

Chief stuck his head in the room and glared bloody murder. "Somebody from the office five buildings down just came over and asked you to stop!"

Michael began to bellow 'My Last Breath,' and you can just imagine how he butchered that.

.................................................

Dex: Touko whistled jauntily as she made her way to the public library. In a strange coincidence, she was whistling 'Everybody Hurts'. Jauntily.

You can imagine who she was hoping to hurt.

I don't think we've mentioned this before, but despite Touko's deep and abiding love for show tunes and musical numbers, she was completely and utterly tone deaf. This meant that Touko's jaunty whistle sounded somewhat like a frenzied battle between an asthmatic narwhal and the mournful croak of the green tree frog.

In other words, not pretty.

And so it was that when she entered the library an elderly couple passing her on the way out found their hearing aids affected by the obnoxious sound. The man dropped his walking stick in horror.

"Dang it Mary! It be them dang aliens again. Remember how they did broke my last dang hearing aid?"

Mary nodded, smiling. She was entirely deaf, and had been for some time, but liked to wear her hearing aid as she thought she looked cool. Young 'uns, these days. They don't know the meaning of cool, Mary thought, while her husband muttered to himself, sorting the broken pieces of his earpiece.

"Dang aliens!"

Touko looked around the library. Several impassioned pleas from the head librarian had finally convinced her to stop whistling (although she could still hardly contain her excitement over the upcoming plan...yet to be decided upon) and so she had to content herself with the occasional dance step. She was just too buoyed up by the thought of wreaking revenge upon Mulletboy, even though he hadn't really done anything. It's not like he could help falling in love with her, after all. Billy Bob had assured her that she was irresistible. She remembered their conversation:

Touko gave the appliance a seductive look. "You find me attractive, don't you, Billy Bob?" The hairdryer nodded. (A difficult task for a hairdryer, to be sure, but not impossible).

"Touko," he replied, his breath warm on her face, "I find you irresistible."

She smiled and macarenaed over to one of the Internet terminals. It was time to find out just where it was that Michael Lee liked to call home.

Doujima watched Michael surreptitiously over the top of her magazine. The hacker had stopped tormenting them with off key renditions of depressing songs (calling it quits after the complete version of 'I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)', singing both the Meatloaf and Random Woman parts; as well as replacing 'won't do that' with 'will do that too coz I love you so much'), and was now slouched over his keyboard, looking dejected. She sighed.

Sakaki came up beside her. "Psst," he whispered loudly.

She looked at him, irritated. "Sakaki, the purpose of whispering is to keep what is being said quiet. You've negated the point by psst-ing at me loudly. What do you want?"

He prodded at her magazine. "Not only is this upside down-" she hurriedly turned it over "-but I think you've grabbed one of Michael's by mistake." Frowning, she glanced at the cover.

Stalker's Digest. June edition.

They shuddered. Doujima peered curiously at the cover stories. "Know Your Victim," she read aloud. "Take our handy quiz - Do you know them as well as you think you do?!" Sakaki leaned over her shoulder.

"Behind the Bars - real life stories. The Who's Who of the Stalker World."

Doujima threw the magazine away in disgust, prompting Karasuma - who had been passed out at her desk, to mutter loudly,

"But I don't wanna get up!"

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Ais: Touko laughed suddenly at her computer terminal and spontaneously began to sing and unrecognizable version of "I Want You Bad." This prompted even the old guy with the long beard who sat around reading "How To Be A Philosopher In Ten Days" all day to eject himself with all due expediency through the double-doors of this austere literary… um… damn… --gets out thesaurus-- nothing in here either… dwelling?

The reason for Touko's sudden outburst of song and laughter was this: She had suddenly discovered that Michael lived right inside the STN-J building. In an old janitor's closet. With a large vent across the hall from it.

No, I don't know where she found this out. Just as the librarian was picking up the phone to call the police, Touko fox-trotted out to her car. Scary thought, Touko driving. Scary, but true.

So, after she fox-trotted out to her car, like we said, she unlocked it, opened the door, put the key in the ignition, rolled the engine… Oops. Heh.

So by the usual methods used when driving a car, Touko got back to her apartment and turned on her computer, ignoring the Mulletboy waving flowers, which was now accompanied by 'Unchained Melody.'

She had only 623 emails this time, and one of them was from the email provider, screaming "You're getting close to your 3MB limit! You may not be receiving all your messages!"

Touko yawned and opened up the first Michael message:

"Hi! I'm Michael! I just wanted to make sure you're okay, since you don't seem to have answered yet and I sent the last message a whole half hour ago!"

Touko stretched, cracking her knuckles, and took three deep breaths. Then she hit 'reply' and went into Ultimate Fangirl Mode, despite the fact she was a 25-year-old businesswoman who just happened to be terminally insane.

People All Over The Universe: --inexplicable SHUDDER!—

Reader-person, you don't happen to have high blood pressure, heart conditions, allergies, tendentious, a weak immune system, a… You don't? Well, okay then. Here's what she wrote:

"MiChAeL (!!!!):

Like, OMGOMGOMG, you're MICHEAL? I'm, like, SOOOOOO happy! Whenever I was dating Amon (jerk, LOL) I SOOOOOO wanted to meet you, you're like, SOOOOOO cute! Like, do you want to go out sometime?

TTYL,

ToUkO

(Ps: I aM lIkE, SoOoOoOoO sOrRy I dIdN't GeT bAcK sOoNeR, I wAs WaAaAaAaAyYyYyYyY tOo HaPpY tO tHiNk sTrAiGhT!!!!!!)

Gag. But it was all part of Touko's fabulous plan. She hit the 'Send' button, and pushed back her chair, going back to As-Normal-As-I-Ever-Get mode, meaning she got up, giggling to herself, and waltzed over singing 'Jesus Christ: Superstar' to discuss the war in Iraq with the TV remote. Coincidentally, the TV remote's name was Michaela, and she was very informed on world politics.

…………………………………..

Michael was taking the Stalker Quiz from his latest edition of Stalker's Digest.

"What color ink do they typically write with?" he read, and marked down 'Blue.' "Which one of these colors is most prevalent in their wardrobe?" He put a check mark by 'camel.'

"Murphle snurgle," muttered Miho in her sleep, and promptly fell off her chair.

"User… Michael… Lee… has new mail," the laptop said in its very clear, Navi-like voice.

Immediately the Stalker's Digest hit Miho in the head, the pen bounced off the ceiling and hit a printer, the chair slid across the floor and into Sakaki, and Doujima said "oof" as she was unceremoniously removed from in front of the printer and onto poor Miho.

Ten seconds later, Michael was doing something strange resembling a seizure.

"Michael! Are you okay?" Doujima yelled above Michael's strange screams.

"Yes!"

"What are you doing?" she cried.

"A Happydance, accompanied by the famed Disney tune, Davy Crockett!"

All stared in disbelief, with the exception of Miho, who muttered something about harps and chocolate chips and rolled over on her stomach, still somehow asleep.

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Ais A/N: Hookie-dookie, people... (hee hee hee I love saying that! It's, like, SOOOOO out of character, and, like…. –mysterious hand gags Ais--) Er, yeah, as I was saying, I hope I'm in time to rescue all the review responses, I just realized they're in my sent folder and I hope it didn't empty… --squeaks— So if I forgot anybody, I apologize eternally, on my best friend Hyde. Sorry Hyde!

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Rynn Abhorsen: Hi Cuervo! –snorks to self-- But like, OMG! I am SOOO not a geek! Just 'cause I spend all my time in front of a computer or at the video store staring longingly at anime doesn't mean I'm a geek! I'm serious here! –looks around—Er… aren't I? :D Okay, so I am a geek, and I, Ais, am insane. But it's a good kind of insane. The kind where you can spout the definition for pneumoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis off the top of your head. Yes, that is a real word. :D Dex: Yay Void! Nice to see you. And I AM a geek. Geek pride all the way. On a side note, is your name derived from the 'Abhorsen' in the Garth Nix novels? If so, WOO! Love those books.

TitianWren: Hmm… you know, I just might pull Attachment to Inanimate Objects into here somehow. What say you, Dex? Dex: Amen.

Did we not make her insane enough? Uh-oh. Don't say that. We'll have her pulling bananas out of her ears and doing the Macarena next… hmm… that's an idea…

LoneIceWolf: Dude! Would you cheat on somebody like Amon with somebody like Michael? Well, I wouldn't, as it stands. :D Dex: Well she is insane. That would be the only possible explanation for her considering any other man when she had Amon. Dude.

Yamiyumetenshi: Hi Yamayu! Ooo! –writes it down—Touko's… wrong… nose. Sounds like a chapter of A&L to me! What was I saying?

Oh! You mean your mom never said "Little pitchers have big ears!" Which doesn't really make that much sense in this context, but it means "little kids might be listening, shut yo' big fat nastay mouth!" or words to that effect. Although 'little pitchers have big ears' usually means 'stupid little kid, stop eavesdropping!'

We would post it on Harry's more obviously, but we're afraid of Kala. :D But I suppose I could… see you in Precious Illusions! Dex: Nice to see you, yami! Yeah, we've kept this one pretty clean. And I've never liked Touko, for the record. She is a be-yatch. And sob she got to have Amon. Grr.

Selenium: Well, Ais' precious laptop Luisne is about like that. Well, she's wrapped up in towels whenever she goes anywhere, because Ais has a tendency to knock things over and bang around a lot. Thus, we want our expensive laptop to be safe. :D

We can safely assume you're a MichaelFan then? We're AmonFans. And Ais is also a SakakiFan. :D Dex: I don't know how to love him, what to do, how to move him...whoops, now everyone knows I like Jesus Christ Superstar. Watch out for more musical lurve in future chapters. I don't have a laptop, but I do know how to appreciate expensive things. Thus the tea towels. And I have much love for Michael, but not in conjunction with Robin. Sorry guys. Oh and Selenium? Perhaps you'd like to send us a copy of that AmonxBallgown pic. Sounds cool!

St Earns: First reviewer! –hands out piece of Mississippi Mud Cake Ais's grandma made for dinner—

Michael: Outside world? We not speak same language here. What 'outside world?'

Ais: Stop faking the accent.

Michael: But we're not speaking the same language.

Ais: Sh!

Hmm… you mean like this black hole in the middle of Ais's computer room? Just don't get too close to it and everything will be fine. :P

--gives Dex double thumbs-up—Dude! We rock! But… the Unholy Alliance sounds like a rock band. Or maybe a motorcycle gang? Dex: I dunno. But I really like the sound of it. Must use it sometime...rubs hands together, plotting Mwahahaha! And 'unlikely pairing'? I know not what you mean.

Misora: Misora, we looooooovve yoooooooou, nearly as much as we looooooooove the moooooooon. Mwahahaha! And now I will go back to 'apparent' silence. But before I do, thanks! We're glad to amuse you. --apparent silence-- Ais: Ais is scared. Ais is talking in third person because the blissed-out grin on Dex's face scares her. But Ais is over here cracking up anyways. And a creepy psychic Goth girl rolling around on the floor with laughter is a scary thing.
Emma: :P It's just some little phase he's goin' through... ignore him. He'll come back, we promise. Dex: I wrote some too! Ais: Yeah, Dex wrote all the funny stuffs!

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Ais A/N: Well, that was the Aisling Niamh Ultra-Long Review Responses of DOOOOOM. With some help from Dex, of course, sent back to Earth via interdimensional tele-transporter from da moooooon while drinking soda pop!

Sometimes it's better if you just don't ask.