Disclaimer: I do not even presume to own any of J.K. Rowling's fine work or characters. I only like to pretend what they think from time to time.
A/N: This is the first 'song' fic that I have ever really written. I've used song lyrics to inspire me and incorporated a few into my stories before but I never used the entire song as I have in this story. And fear not, there is nothing horrifying in this ficlet like the characters actually singing the song. But I hope you enjoy it and would love to hear your opinion.
My December
By: Iarejedi
'The world exists in lines of gray. It is not so black and white as many would like to believe. It is hard to compromise one's beliefs to accept this as truth. But how many of you can honestly look out the door and say that everything is as clear cut as you would like it to be?'- Iarejedi
The clouds hung low, thick, and heavy over the great castle of Hogwarts. In the midst of December, days before holiday vacation it seemed only fitting that it should snow. Yet, that was not what Snape was thinking. The gray, heavy clouds only to keenly helped remind him of the confines of his own dark heart and soul.
This is my December
This is my time of the year.
This is my December
This is all so clear.
He stared up into the overcast sky, watching the owls flying effortlessly back and forth to the owlry almost lost against the clouds. The sun was hidden away from view, covering the grounds in shadows. He felt bleak and cold inside as the snow began to fall in beautiful swirls outside.
"Mr. Snape, I suggest you pay attention to what I am teaching unless you would like to accidentally find yourself turned into something unpleasant." Professor McGonagall snapped at him before returning to her lecture.
He wrenched his eyes away from the window, ignoring the snickers of the other students. He turned his gaze back to his text book but did not see the words before him. He was lost in darkness, lost in himself. He felt distant and cut off from the rest of them. None of them knew what demons he fought in his soul as he sat here among the rest of them pretending to be normal.
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone
He heard the soft, elflike laughter behind him and felt his heart lerch in his chest. Trying to fight the impluse, he found himself compelled to turn and look at the source of that beautiful sound of mirth. Unable to stop himself, he glanced over his shoulder to the right to see Lily Evans sitting beside her idiot boyfriend James Potter. Snape stiffened at the mere sight of his most hated nemesis, Potter. He despised Potter with every fiber of his being. That bastard Gryffindor had humiliated him, seemed to do everything better than him, and took everything he had ever wanted. Most unforgivable of all was that he had captured the one thing Snape wanted so desperately. Lily Evans.
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
He stared at Potter and Lily, willing himself to look away. He couldn't—couldn't take his eyes from her. She was so beautiful, an angel to come down from heaven that had decided to grace their presence. He had never wished for anything else so fervently in all his life as he did for her. She had been the first to show him true kindness; the first to offer him a gentle hand of help. She didn't care who or what he was. She was not interested in the rumors about his use of the Dark Arts. He'd felt human while he was with her. He felt like he was worth something when she was near him.
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
Potter leaned in closer to Lily, whispering something into her ear. She blushed prettily and they both laughed softly. Potter slipped his arm about her waist, drawing her closer to him. He smiled down at her with a look that made Snape sick to his stomach. How he envied and hated Potter in that moment. Oh, how he longed to be the one holding her then. He wanted to be the one making her laugh like that. The one to receive that smile from her that could melt all his inner demons away.
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
Lily felt the strange sensation of someone staring intently at her. In the midst of her giggles, she turned to see Snape watching her. Her laughter died away instantly as they regarded each other from across the expanse of the classroom. Her smile slipped from her lips, replaced by an expression of deep sorrow. Snape felt anger well in him. He didn't want her to look at him with such pity. He could not stand to see that look in her eyes as she gazed at him. He glared back at her, his eyes filled with anger, hurt, and contempt.
She turned away quickly, misunderstanding all that she had just seen in his black, fathomless eyes. He fisted his hands beneath his desk. He hated himself for letting her see what he tried to hide from everyone. He did not want her pity. He wanted the impossible. He wanted—
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you
McGonagall's voice shattered his thoughts as she dismissed the class for the day. There was a general banging of books, the scuffle of feet, happy voices chattering away, and the scarping of chairs as the students left the room. Snape sat motionless in his chair, watching Lily collect her things as Potter and his stupid gang of friends waited. Potter looped his arm through his girlfriend's as the walked towards the door. Lily glanced back once more but Snape averted his eyes quickly.
He would not let her see how desperately he longed to be the one with her. He was not worthy to even think such thoughts let alone get near her. He was a Slytherin, she a Gryffindor, but it wasn't that which separated them so completely. It was the fact that he could never give her what Potter had to offer. He would never be good enough to be worthy of her. He could only pretend that there was a remote possibility, but he knew that it was unattainable.
And I'd give
It all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to
He looked out the window once more. The snow continued to fall, drifting and dancing weightlessly to the ground below. So white, so pure in its newness. He wondered if he had ever been like that. He snorted at his own foolish thoughts. Yet, he wished so dreadfully that his life could be different, that he was someone else. Someone Lily Evens could love and not feel embarrassed to know.
He stared off into the dreary sky, allowing himself to imagine for a moment what it could have been like. It would have been him sitting beside her in class and the two of them laughing together. He could see himself putting his arm about her waist and pulling her nearer to him. He smiled at the soft warmth of her body against his own. She turned those brilliant green eyes on him, gracing him with the full magnificence of her smile…
This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need
He did not hear McGonagall approach until she touched his shoulder cautiously. He flinched away, his eyes coming to rest on the hand on his black robes. She withdrew from him, knowing she had intruded. He got up quickly, gathering his books, parchment, and quills, eager to get away. He hurried out of the room before she could question him. He did not want to hear her patronizing voice or see the sympathy in her eyes.
And I
just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
He strode down the hall had a swift pace, wanting to get away. He wanted to go back to his dorm room and hide away from them all in the safety of his bed. He ignored the disgusted looks of the other students, most of them Gryffindors, as he passed. His lot had caused enough trouble for them over the many months. Their disdain no longer touched him. He cared little about what they thought of him.
He felt like the world slowed around him as he caught sight of James and his friends standing in the hallway. Lily stood by Potter's side, chatting amiably with her girl friends. He watched her shake her head, causing her gorgeous mane of red hair to dance in the weak sunlight. He felt something in him break all over again. The raucous laughter of the boys' did little to fracture the silent bewitchment Lily had created around him.
His pace lessened as he drew closer, wanting to be near her as long as possible.
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
He was almost along side her when Potter leaned over, lacing his fingers through Lily's hand and kissing her tenderly on the cheek. She smiled softly up at her fiend of a boyfriend. Snape felt the beautiful spell around him shatter like a million pieces of glass. He tried to hide the shadow that passed over his face but she looked up in that instant and saw it. It was as plain as blood on a stark white cloth. It froze her where she stood.
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed.
He glared at her, daring her to say anything as he passed. He felt the anger wash over him at his own helplessness and in ability to make her see what he really felt. She quelled under his intense, fierce gaze. He wanted to make her hurt like he was. He wanted her to feel some of the anguish he did.
He did not turn his head as he murmured out of the side of his mouth to her. "Are you happy now that you are that bastard's whore?"
The words had been laced with so much spiteful vengeance that it stung him to say them.
And I
Take back all the thing
I said to you
He snuck a glance over his shoulder to see the wounded expression on her pretty face. She looked as though she had been psychically hit. He snapped his head around, not wanting to see anymore. He loathed himself for what he had just done. He wanted to die for making that beautiful creature hurt because of him. He had wanted to take those words back the moment they had slipped past his lips. He wanted to beg her to forgive him.
No, I did not deserve her, he thought.
He dropped his chin against his chest, hunching his shoulders as he walked away. He wanted to curl up into a dark corner and fade away from existence. Death would be more inviting then this hell he was living in. Oh, why couldn't things be different!?
And I'd take
It all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to
Once again, he found himself dreaming how it all could be if everything were different—if he were different. He could see himself walking down the hall as he had been, but there was no around. He heard someone stroll up behind him. A moment later he felt a small, warm hand slip into his own. Lily appeared by his side and smiled up at him.
Merlin, why did life have to be so cruel?
He would give up anything for even a moment like all those he had imagined with her. He would give everything to be with her.
This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
Snape slowed then stopped in the middle of the hallway. He looked out the tall window to the world of whirling white outside. He saw his face reflected in the glass back at him. He found himself, drawing closer to the glass, studying the face that stared boldly at him. It seemed to mock him. He reached up and traced the face on the glass with his fingers.
His hand lingered on the window panes as he saw two figures appear out in the snow on the white lawn below.
And I'd give
It all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to
His hand clenched convulsively as Lily and Potter walked hand and hand below him. They were oblivious to him. He swallowed hard as he watched them for a long moment. He had lost his chance, he knew, long ago. He had let it slip through his fingers like water over sand. Now, he could only watch, as she walked away from him, without even the hope of ever having her for himself. He closed his eyes, trying to fight to crushing feeling that threatened to break his spirit. The effort was futile. He turned away from the window when he could no longer stand to watch them anymore.
He forced himself to continue down the hallway. The clouds outside shrouded what little light from sunlight that had been filtering through. Shadows lengthened over the walls and floor. A moment later, Snape was swallowed up in them and disappeared from sight. The darkness drifted over his soul, covering him in blackness.
Never, he vowed, would he ever dare to love again.
This is my December…
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