Discalimer: Harry Potter isn't mine, and neither is the all-powerful Remus Lupin who may or may not be featured in this random piece of insanity deemed fan fiction... and I don't own thneeds either...

But Will Shakesie a.k.a. random old man is completely mine as I am still trying to trademark his pants. Don't ask, just nod your little heads.

...

Harry Potter and the Saucy Lobster

... Chapter One: Of Pansies and Crumpets ...

One day, in a terrible, terrible place, Harry Potter was not happy.

"I'm not happy."

Suddenly, amidst the boy wizard's pathetic gloominess, his evil step-uncle blew his nose in Harry's general direction.

"I wish you wouldn't do that," Harry muttered.

"Why should it matter to you?" his step-uncle growled.

"It's all over my face!"

His step-uncle's face turned an angry shade of purple... then orange, green, periwinkle, and back to purple.

"That's nifty!" Harry exclaimed, pointing at his step-uncle's face. "Why can't I do that?"

"Shut up, you overgrown apple named Ferris!"

Harry's lip trembled before biting his tears back. "I'm out of here!" the poor, tortured hero announced melodramatically.

His step-uncle laughed maniacally. "You most certainly are not!"

Harry stood up furiously - wand in hand, and owl under arm. "And why shouldn't I?"

"No, no, it's 'Wherefore shall I not?', dear boy," a random old man whispered. "Trust me, it sounds better that way."

Harry's mouth dropped open, staying open despite the buzzing fly that made the unfortunate decision to venture inside.

"Sorry." The random old man disappeared.

Anyway...

"Why shouldn't I?" Harry cried anew, spitting out the fly.

"Because you're chained to the wall with starving, crazed ferrets threatening to eat you alive," Uncle Vernon said frankly, with a twitch of a morbid grin. "Have fun!"

Harry whimpered pathetically like the pansy we all know he is.

Then, suddenly - as stories are prone to do when the hero is in his darkest hour of pansy-ness - a bright flash of light scared the ill-fed rodents away.

Harry opened his eyes, gasping hard enough for the fly to be sucked back in.

"Hello, Harry!" his fairy godfather exclaimed with a cheery smile. "Here, have a thneed."

"What's a thneed?" he asked, choking.

"I dunno... but everyone needs a thneed."

"I thought you died!"

Sirius laughed heartily. "Harry, don't you know that was only so I could get my pretty pink wings and my wand sparkle-ized with a star on the end?"

"Oh," Harry mumbled. "I should have known."

"Well, I'm here to get you out of this place."

"To where?"

"A magical castle, of course."

"I'd really rather have some donuts..."

Sirius looked as if he could spit out a fried potato any second. "You – you don't want to – to educate yourself in the ways of – of brilliant wizards before you who no doubt are highly intelligent and probably dead longer than – "

"Snuffles?"

"Sorry."

"Hang on," Harry said, as his eye began to involuntarily twitch due to his lack of routine complaining. "What about Voldemort and all of that dark, evil stuff?"

"They went on holiday."

"Nifty! Can I go?"

"You /are/ going, Harry."

"But they might hurt me or kill me in nasty, nasty ways!"

"Not with them, you're going to Hogwarts."

"How?"

"Magically... how else?"

"Oh," he said. "Can I still get some donuts?"

"What's this racket up here?" Uncle Vernon bellowed, storming back into the room.

"It's me, you saucy lobster," Sirius said, patting Harry's evil step-uncle on the head. "Does it hurt losing your hair?"

"Why you filthy little... who are you?"

"Why, I'm the neighborhood ostrich."

Uncle Vernon gazed at him for a moment - his eyes glazed over and his mouth wide open, conveying an utter look of pure stupidity. "Very well... carry on."

"Have a crumpet!" the random old man proclaimed to Harry. "And don't forget to call this number for your very own pair of Will Shakes Pants!"

"Who are you?" Harry asked in that puzzled voice reminiscent of the times when he was incredibly determined to figure out the plot several chapters after the reader had already concluded he must have been an idiot to have not figured anything out yet.

The random old man advertising his pants gave a quick, shifty-eyed look, and jumped out the window inconspicuously.

There was a moment of silence in which every character picked their noses. This, of course, being in no way relevant to the story, still had to be added for the sake of etiquette, as every character is aware that picking their noses while the story is going is incredibly rude. So, we will wait...

"Sirius?" Harry asked. "Where exactly /did/ that veil lead to?"

"Yes," Rowling found herself saying. "I have noticed a change in you."

Sirius blushed.

"A quest!" King Arthur proclaimed. "To the donut store in order to abash this awkward moment of silence for Brave Sir Black... may his secret never be told!"

Harry pelted Arthur with a cudgel. "Go away!"

And thus, the chapter was no more.

...

AN: May the Melancholy Crumpet forgive me for quoting her. Bwah... haha larfs

Review, I say!

Oh, and if anyone knows who the random old man TRULY is... ten points for you!