A/N: absolutely no idea why it took me so long to update this as I've had this chapter written for ages so I apologise profusely to anyone who might just happen to be reading this. Oh and just like to say that there has been no attempt to be PC (Politically Correct) and so it isn't.
Return of the Ring, and Gollum
The couple drifted along to Rohan. The great kingdom of Rohan. Along the Highway of the river just before entering Rohan, there was a little sign. They didn't quite catch what it said, but it was something along the lines of "Neigh".
We've all heard of planet of the apes, or at least most people have. If you're reading this and you haven't. WATCH IT NOW! Just for the sake of it, and for advertising qualities, this could make me big bucks. Despite the fact that the relevance of it to this story is tiny.
Anyway. Horses had always been big in Rohan, they prided their steeds. They were strong and noble people. The horses I mean. Always understood if someone didn't understand them. There used to be a king before the horses took over, went along the lines of Eomer. His great son is now working as a knight. Except for the fact that the horse rides the person. Eomer the 56th was know on the throne. A great and noble horse. He was called Eomer, because horses aren't good with names, and even they felt that a name such as "Snowflake" or "Lucky" wasn't appropriate for a king.
A horse clad in mail greeted our travellers. It neighed once, blew a raspberry and stamped its foot.
Smeagol and the ring blinked twice.
The horse blew another raspberry
They blinked again.
The horse sighed, stamped his foot twice, and blew a raspberry.
Smeagol thinking he was getting the idea of things blew about ten raspberries, while doing something similar to a classic Russian dance.
In horse language this is the highest insult of all. It is so bad that I cannot even type it. So bad that I couldn't type it even if I wanted to as nothing as bad has been invented in the human language.
It can be roughly translated as "Giddy up" or "Ride them cowboy!"
But worst of all, the most terrible insult brought down so low when I type.
Pony...
The horses of Rohan therefore performed the most terrible punishment of them all. The most degrading. They put a bit in Gollum's mouth, and left him in a stable without ANY STRAW! However, according to Gollum, it actually tasted rather nice. As for the ring, it was too small, and insisted on not growing this one time.
At the end of the day when the horses arrived to relieve Smeagol of this terrible punishment, they were shocked to see him clinging on to his bit and grinding it between his six teeth. When they tried to take it away.
They could only think of one more punishment for Smeagol. The most terrible thing ever! They put him in the stable, with much effort took the bit out of his mouth and threw hi to eat the most repulsive thing. Only just edible in their eyes. Cold, clammy, disgusting. It was a mystery why anything could eat one.
A fish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ahh no!)
"FISHESESESESE!!!!!!!!!""""""" he said lots of times, hence the large amount of speech marks.
The horses walked away. Smirking to themselves at his scream of disgust and outrage, they had finally cracked him, although not literally, unless he was humpty dumpty in disguise that is. Actually thinking about it the horses didn't know what creature Gollum was. He may be an egg. As you can tell horses are not used to common thinking, or eggs that walk and talk (well you have rings why not eggs), the idea of yolk sploshing over their stable filled them with despair. Although it took a few minutes for them to realise this. Otherwise they would have figured that Gollum wasn't an egg.
Gollum held the fish high above his head, like a whatever Sikhs call their holy book. He considered praying and worshipping, meditating to this fish. But it was decaying rapidly, so this would be a little pointless. He swallowed it in one gulp again, and the ring winced, again.
The horses could be heard galloping round the corner shouting "TO THE EGG!" in horse language of course, which sounded rather like stamp stamp stamp, a little misunderstood when galloping. Others heard it as "THE ICE CREAMS ARE COMING!" or "BUY ONE GET ONE THREE" Then they realised it was free not three, and yes it is a coincidence that the two words can be easily mistaken in horse language too.
Random fact: Rohan, before the horses took over, was renowned Middle- Earth wide for it's ability at making ice cream. This explains the fact that "ice cream" is the simplest thing to say in horse language.
Overall with the terror of cold ice-creams and new years salesmen it was a pretty scary situation. They all galloped. The ring looked up in the stable to the sound of so many tiny..or large feet.
"Oh dear"
Another fact is that horses are like wildebeest, one gets scared, they all get scared. Panic spreads, and basically they all die, or kill everyone.
What the hey I'm bored with Rohan, I'll write this later. The people took over okay. (sorry to all you horse fans out there, it just wasn't meant to be)
TBC (oh the suspense!)