Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am so so so so so so so exceedingly, terribly, unforgivably sorry for the ridiculous wait you all have been put through. I started school, and you know how it is. Busy, busy, busy. I did not forget, and I have not died. So, in return I give you the longest chapter I have ever written, that is three months in the making. There are several sections. Read at your leisure. There is a flashback and a continuation of what's happened. The end is PG-15, sort of. Blah blah blah, stop reading this, and go on. It's going to take you forever anyways. I apologize in advance for the French.
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I. A brief flashback…………
"Go on…go on chéri. You can do it. Faster darling, pedal faster…….that's a good girl. Pedal to Mummy now…….Go--oh! Not too fast………"
"Mark, L'enfant est bien. La partir seul. (The child is fine. Let her be.)"
" Je sais, Grandmère, je sais. (I know, Grandma, I know.)" he said, and sighed. He continued to watch his daughter nervously as his wife stood a good twenty feet away from him, waiting to catch the little, unsure toddler. His wavy, blonde hair was blowing in the subtle wind, and his almost black eyes grew worried and protective.
Mid way through the child teetered and swerved. Mark Renton bit his knuckles as he watched his daughter fumble with the pedals, and then lean far over to the right, falling. Before he could run to her, a woman, who was watching too, came to her rescue and caught her. The little girl let out a frightened shriek, and then hugged the woman who was her rescuer. The girl's mother and father were at her side now, touching her hair and peeling her away from the woman, who stood up with the child in her arms. Her grandmother remained where she was sitting, on a chair on the side of the street.
"Thank you, Angie." Alison Renton said as she put her daughter back on the ground.
"Well we wouldn't want the little one to scratch her pretty face, now, would we?" Angie said, leaning down and lightly poking the little girl's nose. The little girl squinted and rubbed it, and then clung onto her mother's leg.
Alison fiddled with the girl's hair while she turned her attention to her husband. "I told you she wasn't ready for a tricycle."
"Well, she is three now, darling." Mark said, defending himself. "I thought she could handle it."
"Well, she can't. She is too young." Alison said, and reached down. She picked her daughter up with both hands and drew her to her chest. The child then began to play with her mother's hair, the same as hers, and started to twirl it between her own fingertips.
"I think this little girl can do anything she puts her mind too." Angie said. "She's a little spitfire."
"See." Mark said, looking at his wife, who rolled her eyes back at him. "You could've done it, couldn't you, mon petit chéri(my little darling)? You underestimate her, Ali."
The little girl nodded her head and smiled at her father. Then she wrapped one arm over her mother's neck, while resting her head on her shoulder. She propped it up again when she saw a man walking with a small boy. They seemed to be headed for the small group of people who were standing in the middle of the street.
"Bon jour, Isabel." The man said, as he walked past the old woman.
"Bon jour." The boy echoed, as he waved at her. She smiled and waved back.
"Bon jour, Monsieur James." She nodded her head at him, while fanning herself. "Angelina, votre fils est ici (your son is here.)"
She turned and waved them over. "Would you like to see your little cousin, dear?" Angie asked the little girl. Harold Potter kissed his wife's cheek while James, the little boy, reached his arms up, begging to be embraced by his mother. She picked up her son gladly, and gave him raspberry kisses all over his slightly plump cheeks. He giggled in response.
"Did you boys have a nice walk?" Alison asked, as she tried to untie the child's fingers from her hair. "Isn't Monmartre beautiful this time of year?"
"I love it. It's so peaceful. James seemed to be enjoying himself, but he got a little restless towards the way home. He needs a nap." Harold said.
"My Jamie wasn't restless. No. He doesn't need one. He slept all morning practically. Do you want to play, sweetheart?" Angie said, as the boy began to fidget.
"Let's put the children down." Alison said, kneeling closer to the floor. "My mother in law will watch them. Est-cela bien, Isabel (Is that alright)?
"Oui. Je les regarderai. (Yes, I will watch them)" She answered, getting off of the chair. "Venir ici, enfants. (Come here little ones)" she beckoned, and the children scurried into Isabel Renton's arms. She took each of their hands and began walking in the opposite direction, each of the children pulling her closer to the ground.
"She doesn't have to watch them, Ali." Mark said, wrapping his arm around her.
"Does she mind?" Angie asked, looking back over her shoulder. "She doesn't have to."
"Je veux le faire (I want to do it.)" Isabel called back. "Je les prendrai à mon vieux travail et leur montre le domaine.(I will take them to my old job and show them around.)"
"I don't understand." Angie said, looking at Mark.
"It's a joke of hers. Pay no attention." He answered.
"Bien, bébés.(fine, babies)" Isabel whispered. "Vous jamais avez été au Moulin Rouge (Have you ever been to the Moulin Rouge)?
"What?" Harold asked, surprised at what he overheard.
"Je plaisante (I jest), 'Arold (Harold). Vous ne devez pas apprendre à me prendre si sérieusement. (You must learn not to take me so seriously.)
He nervously laughed while his wife poked him in the ribs. "Well, how was I supposed to know that?" he said.
"Ugh, you newlyweds and your little phobias." Mark said. "Remember that, Ali?"
"All too well, my dear. How's the move coming Ange?" she said.
"Eh, not that great."
"It's going fine." Harold answered. "We're just….adjusting."
"Well, that's what happens when you're running for Minister of Magic. It's a very long process, and you'll be lucky if you get in within the next five years, what with the current one saying he's going to retire any day now, for the past two and a half years." Alison said.
"Minister of Magic…." Mark repeated. He laughed under his breath until Alison looked at him with transgression. "Sorry….it's just a funny concept. One I am still getting used to."
"I don't know if I want to even do that anymore. I'd rather just live where we are, you know. And personally, I think headmaster Dumbledore would be much better suited, but, oddly, he doesn't want it. Hey Mark, do you need any extra partners at the practice?" Harold said.
"Well, unfortunately the work that I do, requires you to go to Law School. No offence."
Angie laughed.
"None taken. Say, let's get a drink. Mark? You up to it?" Harold said, completely altering his train of thought.
"Is it a drink I can pronounce? None of this Butter-beer or fire-vodka nonsense?" he chuckled.
"Can you pronounce Scotch?"
"I can try." He said. "Brilliant. Ladies, loves, we bid you good evening."
"Don't come back too late now, or we'll find other handsome men to replace you." Alison said, flipping her dark hair back. Then she hooked arms with her sister and steered her to the direction of their Monmartre summerhouse, which belonged to her husband's grandmother. "Alone, finally Angie." She sighed.
"We haven't been alone together in years." Angie agreed. "Or burden free. Not since Mum and Dad—"
"Oh hush with that. You know that you could have always stayed with me. The way she reacted was completely uncalled for, with the both of us. No wonder Arabella wants to stay unmarried." Alison said, as the stopped in front of a pair of swings that looked over the whole of Paris.
"I know. She is happy in her solitude. But, it's not your fault you wanted to marry a Muggle, just as I could have done nothing about the pregnancy. We choose our own paths in this life, you know. We deserve happiness, and so do our children." Angie said, as she plopped down on one of the swings.
"Of course. I would give my life for my daughter. I'll make sure though, that she doesn't end up like the rest of us. I'll make sure she stays right, or else she will have me to answer to. And if not…..I hope she has the wits to do it herself, and with your help too."
"I will do what I can." Angie said. "And when she is of age, Hogwarts will take care of her."
"That's what I'm afraid of. I will not always be there, especially with the new Ministry job I'm working on. She is young yet. What if she's a Slytherin?" Alison became nervous now.
"She is a Ravenclaw, just like the rest of us. Don't be rash." Angie said. "And you will of course tell her that Slytherins are trouble—"
"Well that didn't work too hot for us at first, either." Alison chuckled. They grew silent for a while, and the creaking of the swings could be distinctly heard, even through the rustling of the leaves.
"Will you write to me when I move to Wales?" Angie asked.
Alison smiled. "Every chance I get, little sister." She kissed her forehead. "Not to worry. We will always be in touch, one way or another. I will be here for you, always. Remember that, Angie, even if it may not seem like it."
"I'm going to take your word on that." She said, taking her sister's hand.
"And we will always be sisters……." Alison said. "Always…….no matter what…….in the next ten years……..and forever………"
"Or at least until our bodies give out." Angie joked, as they watched the sunrise over the horizon.
II.
"Good morning, children." Angelica Potter said as she saw them come down sporadically from the stairs and into the kitchen. She was setting the breakfast table half-heartily and mechanically, putting the eggs and the French toast exactly where they should be. Harold Potter was sitting at the table already, drinking his cup of morning coffee and reading the paper.
"Morning, Mum." James said through his yawn.
"Good morning, Mrs. Potter. This looks delicious." Lily said, trying to make herself as neat as possible and tidying her pyjamas absentmindedly with her hands.
"Did you all sleep well?" Angie asked, pouring pumpkin juice into tiny glasses around the table.
"Very well, thank you." Lily said. "It's just so…. comfortable and……big." She chuckled at the way she sounded. Mrs. Potter heard it too and smiled at the child's shyness.
"Where's Sirius?" Harold asked, when he noticed he wasn't there.
James shrugged. "He was out on the balcony last night for about twelve thousand years. I guess he's still in his room."
"Hmm. That's odd. He's not one to miss a meal—"
"I'm not missing a meal." Sirius said, groggily shuffling in the kitchen. "I'm right on time." He said, as he almost tripped over one of the house elves.
"Ah, there you are, dear. Come and sit down." Angie said, smiling. "You look tired. Late night last night?"
"Not really, no." he said, in an annoyed tone. "I just…….couldn't sleep." He said, taking a pause to yawn quite loudly.
"I wonder why." James said under his breath, but everyone at the table still heard him. Sirius sneered at him, telling him that the comment was incredibly uncalled for.
"Shut up." He said, sitting down and pilling a trough of eggs onto his plate.
"It's your funeral." James said.
"I heard that." Sirius answered.
"I know you did." James said, stuffing a piece of French toast into his mouth.
"Boys…." Lily and Angie said at the same time.
"Sorry Mrs. P." Sirius said.
"Quite alright." She answered, eyeing him suspiciously. "Now eat up."
Just then a jet-black town car slowly drove up to the entrance of the Potter Mansion. A very worn-out young woman opened the door.
"Wait—" she heard, as a forceful arm jerked her back. She squeaked in pain.
"I'm tired." She whispered. Her hair was messy and her clothes were wrinkled. She put her hand over her shoulder where he had grabbed her. "Please…..I'm late. They'll be expecting me for breakfast."
"What does that matter? They know you're here with me." Lucius said, as he softened his grip.
"Well you can't stick around. You are not welcome here." She said, pulling his hand off of her.
"And you are?" he chuckled.
"What does that mean?" she said, with one foot out the door.
"Come on. You know you're just the tag along. They don't really want you here."
"They're nice people. They've been everything but good to me so far." She defended.
"Because you're the best friend of his Mudblood girlfriend." He said, reclining back. "They're just pretending to make you feel welcome. They probably don't care if you ever come back, really."
"That's not very nice." She said.
"What? It's the truth. It's not like they're your family. They're Lily's potential family, but they are not yours. You have no family."
"I am well aware of that." She spat. "Now you are keeping me. Drive." She said, and got out.
"Remember, Arabella," he started, and she turned again. "Remember your place in this world, and with me. Understand? Don't go creating a world that doesn't want you. Your place is here." He said.
"I know that." She said, although rather reluctantly. "But I can have friends, can't I?" she said, becoming annoyed.
"If you want them to turn their backs on you, then fine. You are only setting yourself up for disappointment. But remember that I am the only one who cares about what happens to you. You can confide in me, and in Bellatrix if you wish."
"I realize that." She sighed. "Thank you. But Lily will always be there—"
"No, she won't. Lily will marry Potter. I think we all know that. Then you'll be alone. You don't want to be alone, do you?" he said, with a menacing tone.
She shook her head. "No." she whispered.
"Good, and you won't be, if you stick by me and do as I tell you." He said. "Now you can go. I will see you soon. We are having a gathering tonight at my home, with some friends. Come by in late afternoon, alright?"
"Fine. Bye." She said.
"Oh and one more thing." He said, reaching for the door handle. She remained turned. "Remember that Mr. Potter, the Minister, hushed the reports on your parents deaths to save face. He also did nothing to prevent it. And look at where he resides, in his comfortable estate, while you are now poor and orphaned. You are a charity case, a repentance, because he is the reason you have no parents."
All she heard after was the sound of a car driving away. She closed her eyes and opened them again. She walked up towards the door and to the side of the house. As she neared she could smell the breakfast. It woke her up, in a way, but she did not forget what he had said.
"Good morning, everyone." She said, as she slipped in the back door.
"Good morning, dear." Mr. Potter said, with a smile. "My, my, don't you look tattered—"
"Harry." Angelica said, slapping his shoulder. "Sit down, dear. I've just made breakfast."
"Thank you." She said. She noticed all eyes on her as she slid out her chair and took the only available spot, across from Sirius. Lily raised her eyebrow, but continued eating, while James and Sirius avoided all eye contact, pretending she wasn't even there.
She looked around at all the faces, ignoring her it seemed, and she felt a sense of guilt, because of Sirius, and awkwardness, because of James. Maybe I really don't belong here, she thought, and slid out from under the table.
"Diana, you've hardly touched—" Mrs. Potter started.
"I'm not hungry just now, thank you." She said, and ran upstairs.
Lily slid out after her and followed through the corridor and up the stairs to their quarters. She walked with a sort of unsure determination, and as she threw the door open she found Diana sprawled out on her bed.
"Late night, huh?" Lily said, leaning against the bedpost with her arms crossed.
"Just a bit." Diana answered. "You?"
"No." Lily sighed. "Not at all."
"Sorry to hear it. Why don't you just do it already? What are you waiting for?"
"Excuse me?" Lily said, squinting her eyes at her.
"Sleep with him already. At least it'll shut his trap." She said, bringing her fingers up to her temples.
Lily sat down beside her, looking her square in the eye. "You are such a whore." She said, laughing. The strait face she was aiming for missed terribly.
Diana only cracked a smile in return. "Yea….well……so you tell me."
"I'm only joking, darling." She said, putting her hand on Diana's head.
"I figured. I was only saying if you wanted to. It's just an annoying burden, being a virgin, at least that's how I thought of it."
"I'm not like you, Diana, not anymore. I can't dispose of dates anymore. There is too much of me in this relationship. He really cares for me." She said, distantly. "And, you know, I'm a little scared. It's still the same feelings, sort of."
"Come off it, Lil'. The guy likes and respects you; he's got a nice ass, and has money. What's the big altercation here?"
"Pride, self respect, a little dignity perhaps. How did you become this way? You know, I remember your mother, and she taught you that shit like this was wrong—"
"Don't you ever talk about my mother, Lily, do you hear? Not even you." She said, venomously. "My mother had no right to give me advice. No one does."
"But, I love you. So why not listen to me—"
"Why don't you watch your boyfriend to see if some other piece of ass gets in your shadow? And then where would you be? Abstinence ruins relationships. No sex before marriage, hah! This is life, Lily. It's the 70's. Grow up."
"Did he tell you that?" Lily said, shocked and appalled.
She chuckled out of frustration. "No, as a matter of fact. I occasionally have my own ideas."
"Well, it's a fucking stupid one." She said. "One of many that you've had lately."
"What the hell does that mean?" she said, turning on her front on the bed.
"Just, let me get this strait, Diana, and give me a strait answer."
"If I must."
"Ok. What the hell have you done?"
"I don't follow." Diana said, with her face buried in blankets.
"Last night, when I went to look for you, I found Sirius instead." Lily said.
"And?" she asked, turning her face towards her.
"What have you done to him?" Lily said.
"What? Nothing. Why?" she said, leaning on her elbow. "What did he say?"
"He didn't have to say anything. Now he and James are both furious with you. And I'm not thrilled either."
"Well, it's none of James' business, is it? Honestly, can no one keep their nose out of anything around here?" she said, propping herself up.
"It was a mistake, what you did. You can't lead him on like that—"
"Is that what he told you?" Diana said, angrily. "He kissed me!" she said, pointing her hand at her heart. "I did nothing to provoke him!"
"Well, you must have done something." Lily said, uncrossing her arms.
"This is so unfair." Diana said, shaking her head. "Why do you always take his side?"
"I am on no one's side." Lily said, putting her hands up.
"Clearly you are." She said, clenching her teeth. "Look at you. You are just another Marauder chick. It's pathetic." She said, maliciously. "All you talk about is Potter. All you think about is Potter. Should I sleep with him? Should I dump him? He cares about me." She said, with a higher pitched voice and exaggerated movements. "What happened to my best friend, my sister? You used to be fun and cynical. Now you're too preoccupied with the butterflies in your stomach to think strait. It makes me sick."
"You shouldn't talk." Lily said, before pausing. "At least I'm not a Death Eater groupie." She said, in the same tone.
Diana got up from the bed and looked Lily square in the eye. "You want to say that again, Evans?" she said, with evil behind her eyes.
"Oh, look at this now. Arabella's offended." She said, mocking her displeasure, until she saw a bit of her shoulder through her shirt. It was not the same colour as her skin, but darker, bruised. Lily jerked her shirt down to see it clearer. Diana whacked her hand away.
"You have no right!" she screamed. "You—you don't know." She said, covering her injury. "It was an accident. He's just—a little—rough."
Revolted, Lily knew she wouldn't get anywhere. Blindness was ruining their friendship. "I'm so sorry. Did I get too close for comfort……..Death Eater—"
*SMACK* Lily gasped and clutched her cheek in shock and repulsion. Diana gasped too and put her hand over her mouth. She couldn't believe she had done it either. Then she got back into character, as she walked emotionlessly passed her.
She stopped when she got to the door. "You watch what you say, Evans." She said. "None of this is your business."
"Run then." Lily said. "After all, it is the second thing you're best at…….whore."
"No. You've chosen denial instead. Believe what you will then, but at least I know why I'm here." She whispered, and walked out.
Lily just stood there in utter disbelief and confusion. She didn't know what that meant, but she knew that woman wasn't her friend anymore. She blamed herself for it, and at such a young age, wasn't able to fix it. She didn't cry or complain out loud. She didn't say anything. What could she have said? There were no words she could say to soothe anything, even the aching of her own heart.
What she really wanted was to make love to James. She burned for it, but there were other things that got in the way. Religion was one. When she was a young girl she had been raised Catholic. Her parents were Catholic. She went to parochial school the first ten years of her life, where sermons of chastity were drilled into her brain. The second thing was, what would her parents think? They weren't alive, but could they see her? Did they know what she was up to with these thoughts and desires? She was a woman now, yet still a girl, just as her friends were still girls, masquerading as experienced women by the age of 16. Nicole and Diana both were the same in that sense. Nicole did it to defy her family, while Diana did it to defy herself.
Am I ready, she thought? Do I love him? "Oh my God," she said out loud at what used to be a ridiculous thought.
Then, like a breath of fresh air James entered the room. She didn't notice him at first until he put his arms around her. She exhaled deeply as he did this, and put her arms around his.
Then she remembered herself. "I don't know what to do." Lily sighed.
"It's not your problem." He said, and kissed her pink cheek. "Let her do what she wants."
"Oh her, right. I suppose." Lily said.
"You worry too much. What do you want, Lily? This is your life too." James said, unwrapping himself.
Lily thought for a minute, staring at the ceiling. Then she took his hand and intertwined their fingers. "To be happy. That's all I want." She said, and shrugged. Then she let go and walked over to the balcony, in the cool, crisp morning air. "And you?"
"Oh, I don't know." He said, following her out. "Same I guess. It's a simple request."
Lily nodded. "Yea….." she drifted off in her own world for a second, and then she was struck with a thought. "James?"
"Yea?"
"Why….why is it that…….what makes men so—so…….juvenile?" she asked, grasping the railing.
"Uh……how do you mean?" he said, scratching his head.
"Is it really that simple?" she asked, looking up at the trees.
"Is what simple? Lily, you're losing me." He chuckled.
"Sex." She spit out. "Is everything always about that? I mean, it causes nothing but problems, and creates these awful attachments between human beings that cause pain and heartache. What's the point of it all?"
"Speaking from personal experiences or abstractly?" he asked. Please say abstractly, he thought.
"Abstractly." She said, noticing his change in attitude.
"Oh…uh…..well……it is a necessity to procreate." He said.
"I don't mean that." She said, dismissing it. Then she hesitated. "Like, take you, for instance. What's the point? Do you really need it that badly?"
"Do we have to talk about this now?" he asked, uneasily.
"No. We don't have to." She said. "I just want to know. What makes me so special?"
"I have an idea." He said, hastily. "Quidditch. Let's play Quidditch. We have this field close by that Muggles don't know about—"
"James, I want to talk about this—"
"Oh, we can talk after, huh? What do you say?" he said, taking a small, golden snitch out of his pocket. "Perhaps Padfoot will join us." He said, walking so quickly away that she had to almost jog to keep up with him. "And we'll owl Moony and Wormtail too. You can watch. I'll owl Nicky too—"
"James?" she said, impatiently.
"Yeah?"
She sighed, losing yet again. "Nothing. Never mind."
III.
"Okay, Padfoot. I'll be seeker today." James said, mounting his broom.
"Yea. Whatever. I don't care." Sirius answered. "Hey, what are we supposed to do until Moony and Wormtail get here? We can't play with three people."
"We'll just play around." Lily said, putting her hair up in a ponytail. "No positions. I'll be keeper, and we'll just play."
"Alrighty then." James said, pushing himself off of the ground. The others joined him in seconds.
They threw the quaffle around at first, passing and scoring. Lily let some pass by for sort, and so the boys would not get bored and want to quit. She liked her temporary distraction.
After about an hour they saw three people jogging towards the field from a distance. They were each carrying a broom, so it was assumed that the three were Nicole, Remus and Peter. They waved them over, remaining in the air.
The three shot up immediately, and then there were enough to have small teams.
"Nicky!" Lily said, so relieved to see her, even though it had only been a little more than a day since they last spoke. "Ugh, thank god. Hey, Remus."
"Hey Lily. Guys." He said. Peter just smiled.
James announced himself seeker, again, while Sirius remained beater, with Lily and Nicole as chasers. Remus was the keeper. Peter played the other beater. They decided to keep it relatively one-sided, playing simply for the enjoyment of Quidditch.
And so they played, switching positions, scoring, laughing, and joking with one another. They each forgot their discontents, however trivial or complex they were. They played well into the afternoon, until the air became crisp. The wind began to sting, and as the lights dimmed over Britain, they called it a day.
Panting and hungry the girls dismounted first.
"Want to walk back now?" Lily asked.
"Sure." She answered. "Great game, huh?"
"Ugh. I needed that."
"Yep." Nicole said, panting. "Hey, Lil. You look, well, not rested."
"Really, well. Everyone is so complicated here." She said. "Want some food?"
"Nah." Nicole answered. "Complicated?" she chuckled. She looked at her watch. "Ana here?"
"Which one?" Lily said, tempestuously.
"Ah. Never mind then." She said. "So….how are….things?" Nicole said, insinuating something.
"Why does everyone ask me that?" Lily said, frazzled. "No, nothing's happened yet. Now please don't bring it up again."
"Mm hmm." She said, and noticed Lily's cheeks in the sunset. "What happened to your face?" Nicole said, inching closer to her, examining her cheek. "Did he—" she gasped and stepped back.
"No, no, no." Lily said, breathlessly. "Diana, the cunt did this to me."
"Lily—" Nicole said, hoping no one heard, and no one did. The boys were still frolicking on the field.
"I have a dirty mouth, and I don't care." She said.
"We have to go and find her."
"You can. I don't want to." Lily said.
"Fine." She said.
"You look odd." Lily noticed, suddenly. "Have you been gaining weight?" she said.
"Thank you, dear. I thought so." She said, sarcastically. "Keep it to yourself."
"It wasn't an insult. It suits you." Lily said.
"Thanks." Nicole said, and blushed. "I'm going to go find her." She said, as they neared the house.
"Oh. Unbelievable." She said. "If she slaps you too, don't say I didn't warn you."
IV.
She didn't run away. She ran to the garden instead. There, smoking her cigarette and singing to herself she tried to reason the mixed up thoughts in her head. She wished there was someone she could talk to. She missed her father. He was always the one to protect her. Now, he was right. She was alone. She didn't know how long she'd been there, or even what she was thinking about.
"Wishing I cold hear your voice again, knowing that I never will…….dreaming of you won't help me to do, all that you dreamed I could……..damn it." she said, as she burned her arm a bit from her cigarette.
She had to talk to Sirius. She felt she had to. He was angry with her, inexplicably. It was his fault anyway, she thought. She was still upset with Lily, though. She didn't want to go back to the house just yet. Then she reasoned that she was being childish and impractical. It was raining in Paris today, anyway. Had she seen the sun rise and fall in this place? Does time even exist here, she thought?
She was close to leaving when she heard a clearing of the throat behind her. She turned quickly, startled by the interruption. Then she saw who it was.
"I'm not going back there!" Diana spat, while Nicole remained a good fifteen feet away.
"How come?" she asked. Neither of them had said hello.
"You all hate me. That's why." She said, angrily.
"It's late, sweetheart. It's almost dark. Lily is furious, Sirius won't speak—"
"I don't give a bloody fuck!" she screamed.
"Well you should!" Nicole yelled back. "You don't push away the people who love you."
"And who, my dear Nicole, might that be? This is all a façade." She said. "It's a fucking ……..Carnivale."
"Well it's better than the real world." Nicole said.
"It is the real world, hence the disgusting contradiction. Our life is a paradox, and not a humorous one at that." Diana said, offering Nicole a cigarette. She refused it. "Not anymore."
"Life is drama. What can you do?" Nicole said, flightily. There was a pause, and an exhaling from Diana.
"Nic?"
"Yea?"
"I think—um—I think I'm going to leave." She said. "I think it's best."
"Huh? Why? Where would you go?" she asked, astonished.
"I don't know. I hate this. I hate all of you." She said, and by her tone, Nicole knew she meant it, and felt hurt. "You have no idea, no idea at all what it is like to be me. You're all so stupid I can't even stand it anymore."
"Well, that's lovely." Nicole said. "You know, I came here to talk sense into you. But I see now that's impossible. I needed to tell you something, but you won't let me."
"You never insinuated it. Well, what is it? I can still listen." She said, reclining back on the wall.
"Alright, but you must promise you'll keep it a secret. You wont tell anyone."
"Uh huh." She said, carelessly.
"Not Remus, or Sirius or anyone."
"Yep, and?" Diana said, motioning with her hands for her to continue.
"I can't tell Lily—"
"Christ! Spit it out!" she said.
"Fine, fine." She said, and drew herself closer, so that what she was about to say was in her earshot alone. "Well, you know how Remus and I have been getting, well, close lately?"
"Yea, and?" Diana said, sounding bored. "What are you sick or something? Is Herpes spreading, or maybe Gonorrhoea? Or I know. Is lycanthorpy spreading? Remus could be a werewolf for all we know. Should we make a public service announcement? Notify possible victims?" she said, jesting.
"No, no." Nicole said, less than amused. "Nothing like that."
"Then what? Are you pregnant or something?" she said, laughing.
Nicole looked at the floor, and then put her hand on her stomach. Diana looked at her, wide eyed, and Nicole nodded. "Oh no." she said. Nicole nodded again, and then sniffled, looking away.
"No. I was kidding. Oh, man, Christ. Are—are you sure?" she asked, tenderly now.
She nodded again, unable to make eye contact.
"Holy, Fortuna. What is the world coming too? The Virgin Mary having a baby."
"Don't make jokes." Nicole said, growing weaker. "And don't use Christianity and Paganism in the same sentence please."
"Well, honey, what are you going to do?" she said, exasperatedly.
"That's why I told you. What should I do?" she said, crouching on the floor.
"Whoa. This is big. This is really, really big." She said. The stopped to think for a minute, and then joined Nicole on the floor. "You—um—well—"
"What?"
"I don't want to say it."
"I can take it." Nicole said.
"You have to get rid of it." Diana said, slowly, but with emphasis.
"What? No!" she said, shooting back upwards. "I will not! I'm not like, like—you!"
"This has nothing to do with me!" she screamed back. "This has to do with your lack of contraception knowledge. You asked me—"
"And I guess I got what I wanted." Nicole said. "I can't just abort life."
"Well, what if this life is going to ruin yours?" she said, bitterly. "I wouldn't want it to live."
"You are heartless!"
"I am sensible!" she said, standing up to look face to face with her. "Don't ask a strait question if you don't expect a strait answer."
Nicole turned to leave. Her eyes were glassy and cold as she looked back at Diana. "Go ahead." Diana said. "Leave. Go bother Lily with your lack of consideration. I am in no mood for this."
Nicole left, still numbed from shock and repugnance.
Diana remained standing, feeling more worthless than ever. Diana felt her chest heave and her eyes fill with tears, but she didn't cry. "Well, I guess that's it." she said.
"What's it? You're not really giving up, are you?" Sirius said. She said nothing, but made it clear that she was startled. Or was it pleasantly surprised? "Pretty, no?" he said, pointing to the view. "A bit dreary today, but pretty."
"All the lights are still on." She said. "And you can hear the music a bit, from that café over there."
"Yea. You and Nic have a tiff now too?" he asked.
"I am in a tiff with everyone, it seems." She said looking him up and down. "Including you. What do you want? Did you come here to provoke me, like everyone else?"
"Not in the least. So, have a good time?" he asked, shuffling his feet towards her.
"What do you mean? When?" she asked, raising her eyebrow.
"You went out last night. I'm enquiring as to how it went." He said.
"Oh." She said. She had forgotten it for a time. "Fine." She said. "Normal."
"What is normal exactly?"
"Why do you care?" she spat.
"Why shouldn't I care?"
"Oh, what is this?" she said, pocking him lightly in the chest, making him step back. "Why are you being so nice? You turn the house against me and then you act like nothing's happened. The rudeness at breakfast--" she said, through her teeth.
"Hey, hold on a tic." He said, grabbing her shoulders. "No need to get confrontational. I'm just asking. No one is against you, least of all me."
"You think you're being suave don't you. Do you think it's funny, being all sweet to me and all? I don't deserve it or anything. I have never been nice to you, so why all of a sudden the cuteness, the attractiveness, the wanting to be with me all the time, the—the-"
In a manner of seconds she was breathing into his mouth and taking gasping breaths into his lips. Her back was against the wall, with her hands on top of his, which were around her waist. He took her hands and put them above her head, pressing against the wall.
"Stop, stop, stop….." she moaned as he bit into her neck. "Stop!" she began to pant, and he let go of her. For a while he just looked at her, first with desire and then interest. "You can't do that."
He backed away, frustrated. "Why?"
"Because you could be killed for that, that's why." She said, matter-of-factly.
He shook his head and started to laugh. "Oh, Diana. You are just so…….ignorant sometimes."
"Oh? Please, Black. Don't fuck with what you don't know. I am no more ignorant than you are honest."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that I am not uninformed, and you don't tell the truth." She said, searching her pockets for another cigarette. "I am many things, but I am not a liar."
He started stuttering, and waving his hands in the air, suggesting he had never heard a more ludicrous thought in his whole life.
"It's alright." She said, finding one and lighting it. "Deny it." She began to sway because of the Parisian music emanating through the little garden. He just stood there, and began to watch her. "But tell me, why are you here?"
"Huh?"
"Why don't you stay with your family?" she said, leaning against the railing, clasping it tightly as she propped herself up on it.
"I don't have a family." He said, bitterly. "You should shut up about things like that." He said, folding his arms and drawing nearer to her.
"Hmm, is that so?" she chuckled. "And that wasn't even a good lie. I would know."
"Stop it."
"Oh." She said, and stopped laughing. "This is making you uncomfortable, I see." She said, as she began circling the little garden, running her hands against the wall. "Your brother says hello."
"What?"
"Regulus. He told me to tell you hello for him. He found it quite interesting that I knew you."
"And where in the hell did you meet him?" he asked.
"You know, he's just a kid. I thought he was older, but no. Fascinating, isn't it Black. You two are so different—"
"I can't believe you're doing this." He said, trying to forget his emotions.
She stopped for a moment, and her innocence returned. "Doing what? I'm just saying--"
"You—you are a—a—I don't know what. You're like a virus. No, a disease." He spat. "You know what, Renton? Forget this. I don't need to tell you anything. I can't stand this, when you're like this. This—brick wall. What is wrong with you? Is this your idea of a chat, or perhaps you thought I'd find that funny? I know perfectly well where my brother is going and who his friends are. I am just disgusted that you are one of them." He said. "You tire me, Renton."
She was left alone, then, in the rain. Maybe that's just how I am, she thought. A brick wall for people to bang. She laughed. Well, I am clever at least, she thought. That could not be taken away, at least not by any man. She decided to stay there, looking at the City of Lights, when there was so much darkness in their world. It was sort of a contradiction of sorts, where magic and reality worked together, and sometimes interchangeably.
She felt enraged, the melancholic, and then vengeful, but towards what? She made her decision then to leave, and she told herself, to never look back.
V.
"Something the matter, dear?" Angie asked Lily as she set up the dinner platters with the house elves. "How was Quidditch?"
"Oh, amazing. Well, the field was. The game was fun too. I think the boys are still there."
"Yes. Sirius and my son have been acting strange all morning. Men. Unbelievable."
"Mm. You're right." She shrugged. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Does it have anything to do with cooking or contraception?"
"Uh…no, not really." She said, wondering what that could have meant.
"Oh good." She said, facing her, and leaning on the counter. "I know way too much about those things and find them incredibly dull."
"Um….ok, but I want to ask you a question about James. Well, not really, more about his father."
"My husband? Well sure. Go ahead."
"What was he like, you know, when he was young?" she asked. Angie looked confused, and leaned farther back.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, was he the stereotypical man?" she asked.
"Has my son been pressuring you, Lily? I've heard stories. I am not stupid. I know full well we was with Narcissa Black for a few months this year, and that he practically ruined her--" she said, in such short a breath Lily could hardly comprehend it.
"How did you know about that?" Lily said, grabbing her chest. "Um, yes. She was—well—she did not take it well."
"His dad was the same way. He loved me. He really did, but the love I have for him now came later. It's hereditary, I think, to love your husband after you are married. It was the same with all of us." She said, with a sarcastic realism Lily could not quite place. "It was my own fault, what happened, and all I have to say is wait until you are ready. Do you love my son, Lily? Do you love James?"
"I—don't know." She said. "Things have changed so much. Everyone has changed. James is so—I'm not sure." Lily kept stuttering her words, while Angie smiled at her untainted innocence. "And I'm a kid. I'm a stupid kid, and you said yourself you didn't love your husband—"
"Hold on. I love my husband. I live for him. And, I know this must be odd considering I am his mother, and I am so young, thank god. James is a good boy. He is a boy, however, which means you are slightly more intelligent than he. My mother always used to say that, love is a matter of chemistry, and sex is a matter of physics. Both have different and rather difficult formulas, and some have multiple answers. And they arise more questions than answers. But it all comes down to one thing. Are you prepared to handle either of them?"
"I was never good at science, Mrs. Potter." Lily said, puzzled.
"The point is that sex is much more then sex, and if you are having it, think about what you're doing. Just don't get hurt." She said, and walked outside into the moonlight. Lily still stood there, perplexed and embarrassed. "That wasn't even my original question." She said.
VI.
He was home, and was there when the door was answered right behind a little house elf that wore only a pillowcase. The tall, majestic building seemed unreal to her, and looked like a dreary forgotten haunted house on the outside, and dim lighting on the inside. Perhaps for the muggles, she thought. No one in his or her right mind would by this house. Her eyes were wet and eyeliner ran down the side of her cheeks, making her look melancholically beautiful. She was nervous, but she had made her decision.
"Darling." He said at her drained appearance. "Come here. Come inside." He sounded confused to her, or was that because it was raining outside?
As soon as the door was shut she let loose and wept on his fine woven carpet. She saw him in the dim light, gorgeous, dangerous. Was this salvation? She clutched him tightly. She crouched to the ground when her knees gave way, and he knelt down next to her. He took her hand and embraced her.
"Oh, now, now, love. Now, now, love." He kept repeating, as his fingers made their way to the buttons of her blouse. "It will be alright, whatever it is."
"No. Lily, Nicole, everybody—" she stuttered. "I—I can't do this anymore! I am too young for all this drama!" she bellowed, almost to herself.
"You don't have to worry about them anymore. They don't matter. But you. You are perfection. Don't let anyone ever tell you different." He said, taking her face in his hands. "Look at you, with your sadly hopeful tattered robes. Your pouting little mouth, just in the position I love you in."
"I am hopelessly flawed, Lucius." She said. "I bring wretchedness to happy people."
"Well, you are not wretched. You are wicked. You are beautiful, treacherous, and a lot of work. But you have so much potential. So much, love." He whispered.
"That doesn't make sense." She cried. "Lily and the others don't think so."
"Then those people don't know you." He said. "But I do. We do, and we love you. Don't we chaps?" he said, glancing over his shoulder.
Diana gasped and then squeaked as she propped her self up, only to face an entire room full of Slytherins, and her peers. She felt ashamed, and embarrassed.
"Don't hide your face. Let them see you." He whispered, forcefully grabbing her shoulder.
"Oh dearie." Bellatrix said, walking over to her, with false concern. She pulled a few of Diana's hairs away from her face. "Don't be blue. We'll take care of you."
"You can stay here, with us." Lucius said. "Won't that be lovely? No one to hurt you, or judge you. We accept you for who you are. You are my girl, and I don't tolerate imperfection. Now stop crying. You are with me now, and everything is going to be fine."
"Everything will be fine." Bellatrix said, smiling, taking her other hand. "My pretty."
"Everything will be fine." Diana said, awkwardly, trying to smile at the others, most of whom she didn't know.
"Oh, wonderful!" Bellatrix screeched. "Now, let me introduce you." She pulled Diana over to a long couch in front of a bay window. There were five girls there, all looking strikingly similar. "This is Nessarose, Eris, Galinda, Hecate, and Adrasteia." She said. "Mates from home. Go to Durmstrang." She said.
"Hi. Lovely." She said, as each of the girls smirked at her, as if studying her importance to Lucius.
"They say you're half Mudblood, is that true?" Nessarose asked, in a whiny, Liverpool accent.
"Honestly Nessa, will you shut your trap!" Galinda said, slapping her shoulder, over Eris. "She has no manners, this one." She attempted a smile, but it made her face look distorted and uncomfortable. Looking mysterious was much more her forte.
Diana turned to Bellatrix. "May I speak with you?" she whispered, taking her arm.
"Why Ara—"
"Now." She said, and rushed her into what looked like a kitchen, a very large, vaulted ceiling kitchen.
"Well I never—" Bellatrix began, sounding quite offended.
"What are all these people doing here?" she asked, desperately. "I am mortified." She stressed, and her voice echoed a bit. There was a small house elf tittering about their feet, trying to sweep. She saw it out of the corner of her eye.
"They're visiting." Bellatrix said. "They're my guests." She said, as if it were that common. "And you haven't even met the men yet. They are delicious—"
"You're engaged." Diana said.
"Oh, silly, I know that." She barked. "You know what you need, some wine." She said, grabbing a bottle off of the counter.
"I don't want wine." She said, folding her arms.
"Who said anything about wanting it?" she said, grabbing two glasses out of a cabinet, bouncing as she did. "Come," she said, as she handed Diana a full glass. "Let us drink to….to…..your new found freedom." She said, triumphantly.
"Freedom." Diana said, as she sighed. "Wonderful."
"Well, I'm going back in there. Join me soon? We must gossip about you first." Bellatrix said, waiving her wine glass daintily in the air as she walked. It was not her first.
"Please do. I need to make some sort of entrance that tops the first." Diana said. She felt cold hands around her neck, and then they moved to her waist. "Is this affection? Public affection?" she asked.
"Could be."
"Do you care for me?"
"Exceedingly."
"Am I making those bats out there incredibly jealous?" she said, putting her hands on his.
"Most definitely." He said.
"Good—" she said, but when she glanced down at his open sleeves, something else creped through. She couldn't see it at first, but as she yanked it up more it became clearer. He was busy kissing her neck. "What is that?" she asked. He jerked his hands off of her. "No. What is that? Let me see." She said, holding her hand out, as if it could be put in the palm of her hand.
"No. Not yet, my love. I promise, soon. Later." He said, in one breath.
"What—"
"Let's go back inside." He said, and led her out. What was that, she thought? A snake, a dragon?
Hours loomed by, with a foggy, yet not unpleasant memory. There was laughing, but not from her. She was introduced to the four men that were there. Rodolphus was one, and the others were Avaric, Frex, and Bernard. All seemed to think, including Lucius, that they were the centre of attention. All tried to be witty and sound intelligent, and they were, to a degree, Diana thought. Bellatrix stood, or rather wobbled by her side, spilling drinks while the little elf (whose name, that night she understood to be Dobby) sweat and fretted and wiped up the mess.
Lucius was warm; Bellatrix was complimentary:
"I told you she was pretty, duckies, did I not?
"But her mother was a pureblood. Let's not forget.
"Well at least you have high cheek bones too, dear. You're not just all tits and ass." To Bellatrix, this was a compliment.
She became as friendly as she could with half a bottle of wine in her system and a shot of vodka. The lights kept dimming, if that were possible. She was asked questions, but never remembered the answers. People surrounded her, yet kept their distance. She didn't understand. She didn't know. There was a head in a fireplace, and a circle of black cloaks. Was she among them? She spoke French to those who understood, and Latin to those who didn't. At least that's how she heard the words. There was a spell, she thought. Maybe that's what the Latin was. Was she listening or speaking? Was she drunk, or drugged?
And then she remembered, clear as day, or more pertinently, as night. There were twelve of them, at first, but now thirteen. She had no idea of where the extra came from. He was older. Was he? He was tall, and unusually, deathly pale. His hands, long spiders that gripped her, hard, trying to force something out. Words, or was it something greater? His eyes were black, but in the little light there was they looked odd, almost sinister, sardonic, and evil at the same time, but with an emerald touch that made them flicker in the dim firelight. He was speaking (preaching?) to them, and by the looks on their faces he was revered by all of them.
It must have been past midnight. Something had happened, and she would never know what. Something was done, although the exact events were a blur. She thought she was in her right mind, with Lucius there by her side, holding her arm out. She had pledged an allegiance to the man before her. She didn't do it for herself. She thought of Lily, and Nicole, and Sirius (oh, God, Sirius, she thought). All of their faces, her own history, and her mother. This would infuriate her, she remembered, as she laughed out loud to the rest of them. No guilt, no sadness, no sickness, and no talk of sex or abortion because another feeling enveloped all of these.
Pain. It was sharp, and scorching, like fire. Lucius steadied her shoulders as it was done, biting her lustfully to centre the pain elsewhere. He knew what such pain was. She screamed and kneeled, with faces glaring all around her, pride and adoration in their eyes. That is bravery, they thought.
"Let the darkness be instilled in you, child." She heard, although it sounded far away. She couldn't tell who spoke this. "You accept."
"With all my spirit," she said, not recognizing the tone of her own voice. "My lord." After this, she went blank.
VII.
As they sat around the dinner table in silence, James and Lily wriggled in their seats, stealing passing glances at each other and smiling when they caught one another. Angie noticed this and gave her husband a nod, which he acknowledged and returned. Nicole and Remus, although next to each other, did or said nothing to acknowledge one another's presence. This was mostly due to Nicole looking the other way every time Remus was even remotely looking her way.
Peter ate in silence, gobbling it up like a boar, and noticing nothing. He was thinking of Katrina, his girlfriend, but was then saddened by the fact that she was not with them. She was with her parents, in Bath. Then an odd thought struck him. Why was a girl like that with him? He was pudgy and clumsy and never said the right thing, ever. She was James' ex-girlfriend, which was a big thing to live up to. He knew he never would, even though Katrina was way past that, and him. Katrina was beautiful and clever, and she looked like a goddess, compared to him. He was lucky, he thought. But it made him question her fidelity. She could have anyone, he thought. Why me?
"Hey, Wormtail, how's Kat?" James inquired, most innocently.
Peter replied with a very frantic, "Why? What have you heard?"
The entire table laughed at this, even Sirius who, peculiarly, did not touch his meal. "Whoa there. Easy mate." He said.
Lily poked James in the ribs. "I was only asking." He said.
"Alright, children. What do you all say we turn in early tonight? Miss Portman, Lupin, Peter, you have all had a trying journey." Mr. Potter said. "I, on the other hand, need to sleep. It is Saturday." He said, with a yawn.
"But, it is only nine o'clock." Mrs. Potter said, looking at her watch. "Harold, it is your only day off." She complained, getting up after him.
"There is tomorrow, my dear." He said, stretching. "Tomorrow belongs to us." He whispered in her ear. Then, he kissed her lightly on the cheek and headed to his bedroom. She was left standing, head down. She began clearing the dishes.
"I'm going to head up too." Nicole said, getting up and again, not looking at Remus. "Lily, can I sleep in your room?"
"If her majesty isn't using it, then yes. If not, you can have the floor." Lily jested.
"Fine." She said, not getting it. She yawned too. "I just need rest." Then, she disappeared up the stairs, out of everyone's sight.
"What's with her?" James whispered, when she was safely out of earshot.
"Don't know. Maybe it's that time of the month." He said.
"Or lack, thereof." Sirius said, under his breath. "I'm going for a walk."
"Another one?" Lily asked.
"I like walking." Sirius answered, and disappeared into the night.
"Hey, Peter? Fancy a game of gobstones?" Remus asked.
"Sure." Peter said. They brought up their plates, gave them to Mrs. Potter, who was washing them, and went into the living room game cupboard to search for it.
"Whoa. This party died fast." Lily said, still sitting.
"Yea. Do you want to go upstairs? To do some homework I mean?" James asked, pushing his chair in.
"Is that some kind of code word?" she chuckled.
He laughed too. "No, nothing like that."
"Well, alright then." She said, getting up from the table. They gave their plates to James' mother and headed upstairs to James' bedroom. Lily plopped herself on the couch while James sat at his desk.
"You know, what you said to me this morning really irked me." He blurted, after studying the ceiling intensely.
"Did it? It was a simple question? I was confused. I like certain things clarified." Lily said.
"Do you?"
"Yes. And you avoided my answer. But, that's alright." She sighed. "I got one."
"And what was it?" he asked, reclining back on his chair.
"Chemistry." She said, with a yawn.
"Damn. Did my mother tell you that one?" he said, chuckling. "Unbelievable."
"She is a very knowledgeable woman." Lily said.
"She is." James said, thinking of his mother, fondly. "Come here." He said to her.
"No." she replied.
"Why?"
"I will not be ordered. You come here." She said.
James got up from his chair and walked slowly, but slyly to Lily's spot on his couch. His couch. She recognized his behaviour immediately, but ignored it. He's just a man, she thought, so some things were excusable. He kneeled down in front of her, and she took his head in her hands. She then kissed the black hair she had grown tenderly accustomed to.
He put his head on her lap, and began slightly rubbing her thigh. She enjoyed this. It made her feel warm, and if it were possible, safe. They continued this for a few minutes, when he leaned up and kissed her, cupping her face in his hands. He drew nearer to her, and his weight felt heavy on her, making her unable to move, if she had wanted to.
"James?" she said, pushing him slightly. "Wait."
He sat up, moved beside her and took her hand. He nodded. "That's not why I brought you up here."
"I know." She said, rubbing his hand. They began to kiss, sweetly at first, then more passionately as they became comfortable. When she moaned he was provoked, but restrained himself against his better judgement.
She continued to moan, and her lips became free for her to speak. "Oh, you're in my mind." She said, and he stopped to listen. "You're the only thing in my mind when I wake up, and the last thing when I go to sleep. You're in my dreams before I even close my eyes, and long after I open them. I want you, James, I do. I don't care if I've never known, I don't care if I've never experienced. All I know, love or not, I need you right now." He kissed her neck and she said, "I feel like I've always needed you."
His warm hands roamed, with her permission, and undid the buttons of her jeans. She trembled, and shivered, even though it was April. She fought back internally, at first, but when she couldn't hold it in, she unleashed the passion within her. With a scream of pain and pleasure she gave her innocence, her soul, and her love to James Potter. She would be forever bound to him, and he to her. She gave him her gift, but with it came his own salvation. The 180-degree turn was complete, and for the first time his heart was fully hers, and always would be.
They lied there until after midnight, when they were both spent and exhausted. Before they drifted off to sleep, they each felt something had to be said, and having never said it before, spoke it in unison.
"I love you."
(Cheesy end. NOT THE END OF THE STORY! But it's the great first time we never had, or never will. Thank you! Love you! Sorry again, and review!)