It's hard to rely on my good intentions
When my head's full of things that I can't mention
Seems I usually get things right
But I can't understand what I did last night
When I miss so much that requires attention
Have to laugh at myself sometimes
And I can see that I'm not blind
Give us reprieve
for all the things I've left behind
I'm positive that I'm not blind
But it feels like this has gone on forever
You have to cry with your own blue tears
Have to laugh with your own good cheer
When my head's full of things that I can't mention
Seems I usually get things right
But I can't understand what I did last night.
Give us reprieve
Imagining the world outside
I'm positive that I'm not blind.
'cause you know I've been there too,
learned a lot of things from you.
Give us reprieve
And when everyone is cold as ice
I clench my fists and close my eyes
Imagining the world outside
But I can see that I'm not blind
Good Intentions – Toad the Wet Sprocket
Ken could hear his heart pounding in his chest, the sound echoing through his ears and at his temples. His breath sounded irregular and out of sync with the quick paced thumps. He continued to stalk his way down to the rec. room of the ship. Maybe he would be able to think there… maybe he could breathe.
"Okay then… tell me what you can."
He hadn't been prepared for Youji's revelations, hadn't been prepared for the depth of the shit he'd stepped into. The blonde had given him a carefully edited version, probably sparing both of them the more sordid details – the bare bones of the last five years of their lives. And what he had heard…
Ken considered himself to be a person of fairly active imagination but nowhere in the depths of his worst fantasies could he have thought of something so… so…
"Evil." He murmured, completing his thoughts aloud. Horrible and morbid and repulsive in the extreme.
Stalking into the room, he vaulted over the back of the couch… only to fly off the hard surface he encountered and land in a tumbled heap in a nearby corner.
"OOF!"
"What the fuck!"
From the depths of what he had assumed to be an empty couch, a pair of violet eyes glared at him. The redhead rubbed at his stomach with one hand, the other hand still slightly outstretched from the tossing motion he had applied on the brunette. A bottle of brandy rolled under the couch at the same time and Ken rolled his eyes.
"What? Is everyone on this ship getting drunk today?" he grumbled to himself mentally. "Did I miss a memo or something?"
Glaring back at Ran, he moved to rub his somewhat bruised posterior. With everything that had gone on that day, his temper was about ready to explode.
"Shimatta!" he cursed fluently as his hand encountered a particularly sore area. He had always bruised rather easily.
The redhead's glare seemed to intensify at this rampant use of bad language and his eyebrows rose eloquently. Ken bristled, his muscles bunching slightly in preparation for the brawl he was sure was going to occur.
"What?" he growled out, leaning back slightly so as to get his feet under him but maintaining his crouched position.
Ran's eyes narrowed even further at the implications of Ken's posture. A low hiss emerged from his clenched teeth before he rolled off the couch into a defensive position as well, fists tensed and ready.
Silence stretched between them as each waited for the other to make the first move. Ran, still and silent as the minutes crept by, and Ken, practically vibrating with repressed nervous energy. In some dim corner of his mind, he realized that he was practically egging the older man on, was looking for any sort of relief from the revelations of the past hour. He could have easily apologized to Ran - it was his fault. After all, he had jumped on the other man without checking to see whether the sofa was unoccupied. But in his defense, it was almost five in the morning and he hadn't thought anyone else was up.
Deciding to apologize, he leaned forward slightly. The next thing he knew, about six foot two of enraged redhead was flying straight at him. Ken barely had time to duck as a pale fist shot out toward his nose. As such, it hit the edge of his cheekbone and sent his head snapping back. A second fist curved in from the side and hit him straight in the solar plexus.
The breath whooshed out of him as he stumbled back, spots dancing before his eyes. His back hit an end table, sending it crashing to the floor. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Ran spring forward and instinctively brought his feet up, kicking out against the older man's already bruised abdomen. He grinned at the curse he heard as the redhead crashed into the opposite wall from the force of the blow.
His adrenaline kicked in. Gathering himself back into a half bent stance, he ran forward and rammed his shoulder hard into Ran's stomach, pushing the other man back against the wall again. Ran held his shoulders tightly as he pushed back to prevent further damage to his stomach. Grinning in triumph, Ken was about to punch him in the side when the redhead brought up his knee, hitting him hard in his abdomen and taking him off his feet.
Crashing to the floor in surprise, he rolled quickly to the side. Ran landed right next to him. Ken automatically flipped over so as to straddle the other man and brought his fist back for the deciding punch. Violet eyes flashed at him in anger and then…
"I'll never forget his eyes. Ran almost went crazy when we couldn't find her… he looked anywhere… everywhere… spent every dime he owned on anything that would give us a clue. I gave up so much… but he gave up more… and then I gave up…"
The sound of liquid hitting a glass in the dark, the red tip of a cigarette glowing out of the shadows.
"He found her in the end, poor bastard. But she wasn't just Aya-chan anymore by then. I was with him when we walked through that door…"
Choked sobs echoing through the room.
Violet eyes staring at him –
Daring him –
Ken hesitated, eyes flickering with doubt. Ran took immediate advantage of the moment, bucking his hips and throwing the brunette off him before rolling over to straddle the smaller man. He showed no hesitation in throwing his own punch.
Spots danced in front of Ken's eyes as his head snapped back against the floor from the force of the blow. His ears rang as the room spun crazily, blinking in and out of focus. A pair of violet eyes danced at the edge of his vision.
A weight pushed against his chest as another fist hit his jaw, making it harder for him to breathe. Red swam in front of his eyes, egging on the anger erupting just beneath the surface.
Roaring, he pushed forward against the weight, face contorting with the effort. A dull crash sounded as Ran pitched backward. Ken bent forward coughing, as air filled his choked lungs once more.
Staggering to his feet, he threw himself forward onto Ran, as the man lay sprawled against the wall. The smack of flesh hitting flesh echoed through the room. An elbow hit his gut as his eyes connected with violet once more, violence simmering in their brown shine.
The two of them rolled about the floor, each struggling for supremacy. Ran groaned as Ken brought his knee up sharply, pausing mid-fight to hold himself.
"Son of a Bitch!" he howled in agony.
Ken took immediate advantage of the situation, grabbing Ran's head and banging it repeatedly against the floor.
"Had – " thump " – enough – " thump " – yet?"
"Fuck you!" Ran growled, kicking out with his feet, managing to dislodge Ken slightly. The brunette grunted, repositioning himself to launch a different attack.
As he leaned back to get his bearings, Ran kicked out with his leg, managing to catch him on the ankle.
"Fuck!" he swore as his leg gave out beneath him, throwing him onto Ran and knocking the breath out of both of them.
"Ugh!"
The two of them lay Sprawled on top of each other as they struggled to get their breath back. Ken raised his head to glare at Ran, his breath huffing noisily between his lips. Ran glared back at him, equally powerless in the moment. Heat built between them as they stared at each other.
Later, Ken would find it hard to remember exactly who had moved first. Lips mashed against lips as violence took another turn. Hands grabbed roughly, tearing away clothes, tearing at flesh, hair frantically. Each struggled to keep control of the other, biting and clawing in a frenzy.
At some point, Ken found himself on his stomach; a triumphant Ran perched on top of his hips, tearing at his pants.
"Looks like I won."
"Go fuck yourself."
"Why bother when I have you?"
Thinking quickly while he could think at all, Ran pulled Ken's shirt half over his face, enough to cover the other man's face but not enough to pull the shirt completely off. Running his fingers over the tanned back revealed, he leaned in and nipped at the taut skin, then bit harder drawing a muffled cry of pain and pleasure from the brunette.
Jerkily, he unfastened the smaller man's pants and pulled them quickly over his ankles. Leaning back, he unfastened his own pants, watching the younger man struggle with his t-shirt.
The rest of the night was lost to sweat and pleasure.
Ken sat up in bed, heart pounding and chest burning. The room was silent – none of the groaning sounds or harsh pants that had so echoed through his ears.
"A dream?" he wondered out loud. "Great! What an amazing time to rediscover my hormones! And with Ran, no less!"
"What with Ran, Ken-kun?" Omi questioned from the doorway.
"AARGH!"
Thump! Ken fell off his bed, his feet tangled in the blankets from his instinctive jump.
"Zakennayo! That Hurt!" he wailed out loud. "Omi, you could have warned me…"
"Warned you about what, Ken-kun? I heard you talking and I thought that I'd come get you for breakfast since you were up. ButnowIthinkyoushouldcomewheneveryoureready", the boy hurriedly finished, blushing bright red.
Confused, Ken opened his mouth to ask the blonde to repeat his last sentence when the door hissed open again and a pair of bloodshot hazel-green eyes poked into the room, peering over the rims of dark glasses.
"Hey, have any of you guys seen… Whoa boy!" Youji hurriedly ran in and clapped a hand over Omi's wide blue eyes. "Ken! What were you thinking?"
"What!" Ken blushed. There was no way Youji could actually tell what he had been dreaming about, right? There was no way Youji could know that –
"Jesus! Ken! Not that I mind the view much but don't you think the chibi here is a little young for the display?"
"What display?"
"That display", Youji answered, indicating with his hand. Ken looked down to see browned torso and below that…
"ACK!"
Scrambling, Ken hastily pulled the sheets up to cover his nakedness. His face flamed deeply red, getting redder by the minute as the realization sank in that Youji and Omi… little Omi… had seen him naked! Ken wanted to sink right through the re-enforced steel floor. Why did these things have to happen to him?
Groaning softly, he anchored the sheets firmly around his waist before standing. A twinge of pain in his nether regions made him pause for a minute.
There was no reason his ass should hurt so much… not unless…
"OH MY GOD!" Ken wailed.
"What?" Youji queried, his hand tightening over Omi's eyes and resisting the attempts the blue-eyed boy was making to remove it.
"Ken-kun, are you all right?" the younger boy asked, sounding vaguely worried. "If it's about me seeing you naked… that's not such a big deal, you know. I mean… I do live around Youji. I'm not a complete innocent…"
Ken paused briefly in his reflections of last night's session with Ran to give Youji a knowing look. A slight flush covered the older blonde's cheeks as he answered the unspoken question.
"It's not what you're thinking Ken! Omi's talking about walking in on me too… You're not the only one around here who sleeps naked, you know?" Youji huffed out defensively, blushing slightly.
Omi smirked slightly before batting Youji's now lax hand away. "It's all right, both of you. It's not like you guys have anything I haven't seen before."
"But you haven't seen any of mine before" Ken mumbled, embarrassed.
"Hey! I'll have you know that I probably have a lot more than anything you've seen before… so there! And stop looking so amused, Kenny-boy, I'm not the one who flashed the chibi this morning in all my glory!" Youji growled out.
Omi and Ken both laughed at the conflicting expressions of pride and embarrassment on Youji's face, although Ken's laughter was a little tempered by Youji's last shot.
"Whatever… Anyway, I'm really hungry so I'll be in the kitchen if anyone needs me. So come quickly if you expect me to make you guys anything, okay? Oh, and Ken-kun, you should really put something on that eye… and maybe your jaw too." And the younger blonde left, footsteps soft and gradually fading away as he made his way down the corridor.
Youji looked after him with a smirk, his hair falling forward slightly to cover his profile from Ken's view. Ken meanwhile rubbed absently at his sore jaw, trying to figure out what the previous night had been about.
"So… someone got some last night…"
Youji's taunting words echoed through the room for a moment before they actually registered with Ken. All the blood in the brunette's body rushed straight to his cheeks (His other cheeks! Hentai!)
"WHAT?" he practically howled, dropping the sheet in shock. Only quick reflexes saved Youji from a second peep show.
Ken bit his lip as he regarded the knowing expression on Youji's face. There couldn't be any way that Youji knew… Please God… I'll do anything… I'll clean my room… I'll… I'll volunteer to wash the dishes for a week… anything… Please God…
Youji grinned evilly; cutting into Ken's various pleas and promises. "Weeellll… seems that old Ranny-boy's got it. And here I thought that he was frigid… Never thought you had it in you to melt the icicle, Ken."
Cackling slightly with glee, the older man sprawled out in Ken's chair, disregarding the pile of clothes that was pushed to the floor by his actions and fixed Ken with a gleeful look.
"So? Tell Uncle Youji everything… and don't bother skimping on the details. I've probably done it all before… but details never hurt." The blonde tipped the chair back to tilt on its back legs and propped his feet on the base of Ken's bed.
"Ummmnn… What makes you think anything happened?" Ken tried prevaricating, his hands nervously twisting the sheets tighter around his waist.
Youji scoffed and waved his hand in Ken's direction. "Let's see… was it… Gee, I don't know… the fact that you never sleep naked? Or could it be the huge hickies that are covering you from waist upward… and maybe downward too, eh?" Youji leered, "Or maybe it's the fact that I heard some noises last night and was worried enough to investigate. Soooo… Do tell!"
"You SAW us?" Ken squeaked, completely mortified. Oh dear God, please strike me dead now!
"Well… I didn't really see anything. I'm not the voyeur type, you know? I just heard a bit – You know the whole 'Oh yeah… harder…' section. Geez Ken, anyone ever tell you that you get really vocal during – "
"Stop right there!" Ken hurried out. "I'm not telling you anything. Now - out!"
"You're kidding me! I've waited all my life to hear a story like this and you're throwing me out?" Youji whined, stubbornly settling himself even further back in his chair. "You couldn't be so mean…"
"OUT!" Ken repeated, muscles bunching slightly.
"All right, all right already. Yeesh! Anyone ever tell you that you're not really a cuddler after – "
"YOUJI!"
"I'm going… I'm going. Don't get your undies in a knot… Oh wait; you aren't wearing them, are you? Makes a person wonder what made you so tense. I always feel really rested after I get some – "
"Youji… I like you… but I will hurt you…" Ken growled.
" – action." The blonde completed. Snickering, he made his way out into the hallway, pausing only to take a last parting shot.
"Must be the lack of sleep, eh? Or did you get frost bitten?" Youji's cackles echoed down the hallway.
"Mental note: must ask Ran about getting a lock for my door", Ken muttered out loud, finally letting the sheet drop. Moving to the clothes that Youji had shoved off the chair, he picked out underclothes, a pair of shorts and an old ratty t-shirt before walking into the attached bathroom.
Showered and somewhat refreshed, Ken ambled towards the kitchen. He had spent almost an hour in the shower talking himself through the events of last night. Between Youji's revelations and Ran's jumping him, Ken was more confused than he could ever remember being. As a result, part of the hour was also passed with Ken periodically thumping his head against the nearest wall in frustration.
His stomach growled loudly causing him to quicken his pace. Further analyzing could wait until after breakfast. A beautiful vision of oatmeal with banana slices floated in front of him. Ken continued to fantasize, adding in bacon and eggs in a side plate with toast and a tall cool glass of orange juice…
Humming with contentment, he practically floated into the kitchen, eyes glazed over, salivating heavily. The sounds of Omi and Youji arguing over a burnt dish in the sink filtered vaguely into his conscious but he chose to ignore them. Walking towards the kitchen counters, he picked up his plate and turned to sit at the table. Only to encounter…
Protein bars!
"NOOOOOOO!" Ken moaned.
"What?" Youji and Omi asked simultaneously, bickering put on pause.
"Protein bars! No way… I need a healthy breakfast!" Ken whined. Youji slapped his forehead in aggravation while Omi looked almost as upset.
"I know Ken-kun. That's why I actually went into our grain stores and got out some Oats. But Youji-kun didn't watch the stove like he was supposed to and now it's all burnt…" The young blonde pouted.
"Youji…" Ken growled, advancing on the older man menacingly.
"Now, now Ken. I didn't hear Omi; I swear it. And besides, what's the big deal with oatmeal anyway? I told Omi to try hunting out – "
"Sacrilege!" Ken howled, pouncing on Youji. Omi attacked from his other side, giggling.
The three of them tumbled to the ground with Youji cursing loudly, Ken loudly exclaiming about the wonders of oatmeal and Omi giggling hysterically.
"Kuso! Get off me you – "
"It's good for digestion and not only that, it tastes pretty darn good – "
"Ahahahaha… Youji-kun… heheh – "
"I don't care about oatmeal, you idiot! Get off me before I shove that oatmeal right where – "
" – considered one of the healthiest breakfast's of all time – "
"Ehehe… Ken-kun…hehehehehe – "
"What's going on?" a cold voice filtered through.
Ken froze almost instantly, sprawled over Youji. Omi was half on Ken and half on Youji's legs, still giggling. Youji smirked at Ken knowingly before shoving both him and Omi off.
The redhead stood at the entrance to the kitchen, arms crossed. A black turtleneck and dark slacks covered any evidence of the previous night's activities, except the large bruise covering his left cheekbone; unlike Ken who's t-shirt had already hitched up slightly during his brief tussle showing more than one bruise or hickey. Becoming suddenly self-conscious, the brunette tugged his shirt down and helped Youji up. Omi looked carefully at Ran's impassive expression and Ken's flushed face before nodding his head sagely.
"Nothing much, Ran. Ken here was just educating me on the wonders of oatmeal." Youji stated, waving his hand languidly.
"Hn", Ran grunted before moving forward to check on the contents of the kitchen sink. A slight grimace of distaste crossed his normally emotionless features before he moved to the table and tore open the packaging on a protein bar.
Not once did he glance Ken's way.
Moving quietly, the three of them settled themselves around the table as well, grabbing protein bars at random. An uncomfortable silence settled over the meal.
Ken ignored Youji's knowing eyes and Omi's innocent ones and concentrated on his protein bar instead. A certain pair of violet eyes flashed through his mind but he steered far away from the memories that brought on. Ran obviously was ignoring what had happened last night, so he would too. Simple as that.
"I'm gonna go run an engine check, okay? I'll see you guys later" he mumbled around his last mouthful of tasteless protein bar before hastily standing up, wiping his hands nervously on the back of his shorts.
Bolting from the table, a cold voice stopped him.
"After that, come see me. I believe we have something to discuss."
Author's note: - Whew! I can't believe it's finally out! This particular chapter almost made me lose my mind! Although the song featured is 'Good Intentions', the song 'Du Hast' by Rammenstein goes really well with the fight scene. (I wrote the scene to this particular song cause Toad was making me feel too mellow.) Big, big thanks to silver celeste for braving the hysterical fits of an over involved author (that would be me) and giving me her real opinion despite anything at hand being thrown in her direction. Also, HUGE thanks out to Moonraven for helping me realize that a touch of lime is better than a cartload of lemon and for bearing with me e-mailing every chance I got. You could never know how much your encouragement has helped. Extra Chichiri for you!
I know that a few of you guys might be disappointed by the lack of lemon and quite frankly, I'm a bit disappointed too. But I've discovered that I suck at lemons (pun intended). So everyone is just going to have to bear with light lime and me.
Phoinos – Heh heh heh. What can I say? There was a reason I chose this particular nickname. But lookie… not really a major cliffy now, is it? So, am I forgiven for that last one?
Mondtanz – See? Ran Ken goodness just like you and I wanted. I haven't really sent the show firefly, so I'm going to have to ask what it was about. (Although I do remember a puppet show on TV from when I was a kid called Fireball XL5 that I loved madly! "I wanna be a fireball…" :diabolique hums off-key: )
Akikaze-san – I couldn't wait to get the two of them together despite everything I said. (Looks shamefaced). But… everything that happened was in the heat of the moment, so it's not really a relationship either. Basically, the night between the two of them was just release for both of them. Now… repercussions!
xXLil Yu Jah Xx – I really can't help with your question since I haven't read any of your work yet. But if you'd send it to me (elexir rediffmail.com), I'd love to read it. As for being a good writer automatically when you reach college… I'd say that it doesn't always work out. Loads of writers are really good even before and some don't make it even when they're old and gray. I'm in college and I'm nowhere as good as I know I can be. I read my stuff (sometimes only a day after I've written it) and I can't stand it! But you've got to put that behind you and just keep going until you do get better (and trust me it works!) I've improved so much since I started writing fan fiction that I can barely measure it. What I'm trying to say is… keep at it and you'll get better. I know that I have.
KaraiAtsuiJoo – Yup, college is quite a pain at this point. Barely the first week out and quizzes have already been scheduled. It's enough to make me cry! (Or burn the building down... hmnn...) Thanks for adding me to your favs. I'll try hard to be worthy.
Jen-chan – And here I was working so hard to be weird… (Pout). Lol. Anyway, I'm really glad that you're enjoying the story. Hang on to your hat though, there's a lot more to go!
HeatherR – I know I said I would take it slowly… but I thought the tension would build better this way. Basically, I went to sleep one night and dreamt up the lemon scene that was originally there. Unfortunately, I'm not a good lemon writer and I had to edit that out. But I'm really happy that you enjoyed the dream sequence – it was actually based on one of my own dreams. I woke up choking with fear yet strangely thrilled with the clarity of it all. I had to write it down immediately and so, Ken's dream sequence was born.
Kasugai gummie – I love that you think my stuff is different! (Does patented happy dance around the room) Yay me! You're definitely still a favorite…
Shadows of Grey – Only one review made it, but I don't mind. I love that you love the story and that you enjoyed the dream sequence. I didn't get it down exactly the way it was in my mind… but I won't crib about that any more or else celeste is likely to take a hatchet to my head. Thanks for actually taking the effort to come back and review all over again. Honestly, I'm not sure if I would have done the same… but then I'm congenitally lazy…
Leokitsune – I love that you enjoy Youji. Celeste often jokes with me about the fact that I've used all my own lines for Youji. The whole "But I'm sexy so it all balances out" and the "do tell" sections are practically patented diabolique.
Nitrogen narcosis – I love the name (does flashback to one year of medical college). Matchbox 20 is one of my favorite bands too. I know that the first two chapters had songs by them, but I thought I would go with something different for this particular chapter. I hope it worked…
P.S. If you enjoy matchbox 20, you'd probably love Toad the Wet Sprocket and Hootie and the Blowfish. They're some of my favorite bands.
As always I find myself hoping to be just a little,
Diabolique.