Shades of Gray
A/N #1: Yes, I'm still here. Can you believe this chapter took me over three weeks to write? I was in New York for a while, and then school started, and labor day weekend had me shopping and visiting with family, and I've been so busy as of late training my filly that I've only been able to write a paragraph or two at a time. And I'm still not happy with it - probably because of the fact. Oh well, I give you chapter six, and I promise to make chapter seven better.
Chapter 6: Burning Bridges
~*~
Among the many strange occurrences now stored in Erashnak's memory, that first time sitting down to supper was the strangest yet. None could sit until the lady sat, and then, to the unobserving eye, all custom was done and over with. But from where Erashnak sat beside Haldir, much more was apparent to the eye. A flurry of protocol from manner of speaking to the use of cutlery (which was an entirely new prospect altogether) quickly began building up.
Haldir had positioned himself strategically so that Erashnak could not only steal glances at him, but at Luinhuinë, and not seem rude in doing so. But the orc was even more cunning than he could imagine. Her eyes darted so quickly that even he could hardly notice, and she found perfect reasons to give one person or another a lasting glance without being uncouth in the least. She selected the perfect portions of every dish that she tried so that she would be in time with the next dish's consumption by some other person, and if he hadn't been watching so closely (and not nearly as well as Erashnak) he would have thought her born to the life of an elven princess.
As the courses wore down - Erashnak being careful to take the most appropriate amounts of each so that even she, with her unused constitution, could grace through them all - the orc even found it in her to carry on a true conversation with Luinhuinë's eldest son, Airerosion.
"Mother has told me that you are sorely injured, though if these were not of her own words I would hardly believe it. She says that you might be bleeding internally, and that you most likely have broken ribs. Have you lost a lot of blood?" he asked, pressing his fingertips together before him.
"Undoubtably," said Erashnak, "And I've lost more since I came here. But as for the broken ribs, I've had them before, and internal bleeding as well, though I am not bleeding inside at the moment," she smiled, and Haldir wondered just how real and how strained that it was.
"You have bled internally before?" asked Airerosion, the light in his eyes growing eager with the thirst for knowledge that his apprentice mind seemed to have without bounds.
"Yes. Once I got an iron boot to the gut when I was being generally foolish in -" she stopped in time to save herself from elaboration at Haldir's glare. She swallowed, looking away for a moment. "It felt like falling into a warm bath, I think. Like dieing and being born at the same time, cold and sweltering at once. At least, that was how it felt to me."
"You remember being born?" Airerosion said, his voice incredulous. Erashnak turned back again to stare at the two elves' amazed expressions and smiled besides herself.
"Of course not. No one remembers being born. That is just what I think it might be like."
"I wouldn't know," said Airerosion, cocking an eyebrow.
"I thought that you are an apprentice healer," stated Erashnak, curving her pitch at the end of the sentence so that it might be considered a question.
"I am, but it is the knowledge of midwives that you speak of."
"Midwives?" said Erashnak, as if trying out a new word.
"Yes, Atalante. They are women who assist in birth," said Haldir, the very note in which he spoke her elvish 'name' confirming that he knew she had almost launched into a speech about her family. It would all be well and good if she could keep this speech under control, that is, until Airerosion heard that she was supposedly taken by the orcs as a baby. But the moment of silence that ensued his words was all that was needed for his cousin's son to begin again.
"How were you cured?" he spoke as if many things were flashing through his mind.
"I... don't remember," said Erashnak after a moment, furrowing her brow. "I remember shivering so hard that it hurt, and gasping, feeling as if my lungs had burst and I was going to suffocate. Then the world went completely black, not the false black where there is no light, but the true black where there is nothing. And then I woke up... and I was well."
Airerosion and Haldir stared at her with widened eyes and raised brows, Airerosion's mind wheeling with thoughts of the Valar's divine interference, while Haldir slowly let yet another flood of questions about the orcs flow through his mind. He would have to ask her, someday.
But Airerosion was not waiting for someday. Erashnak would be leaving soon, and he had many questions to ask. Some were answered easily enough, and others pressed them both to uneasiness. At last Luinhuinë announced an end to the meal, and Erashnak was not slow to retire to a balcony as soon as the words were uttered. Haldir followed, catching a drift of singing from the market in the distance, and found himself smiling once more.
~*~
The second deal of the day was made easily enough. Erashnak would start acting like an elf in every way, paying attention to what she said and the manner in which she said it. Her actions would reflect her predicament, she would not defend the orcs in any way, and the first agreement would apply double-fold. In return Haldir would nudge Luinhuinë into taking a walk about the village. It would only take one slip, he warned her, and the elves would know that she was not what she seemed. She would be shunned from them, or worse, falling either way unto a fate of death.
To this Erashnak had agreed with a sigh. She had no doubt that she would be forced to do so anyway, as he was like to use this as one side of a threat just as well as one side of a deal, and she might as well take something from it. She couldn't remember what she herself had gained from their first agreement, and it made her feel extremely manipulated until he reminded her that she could leave if she wished, and wander alone in the wood until she died or was killed.
Erashnak had now become well aware of Haldir's ability to snap her in half if he so desired, shown to her quite well when she stepped on the hem of her dress and nearly tripped with a curse - an orcish curse. He had stopped her from falling, yes, but did not release the grip that he had on her wrist, twisting it upward until she was forced to look at him. She had never seen anyone more furious since she was a little girl, and had quailed immediately, annoyed at the tears that began to sting her eyes as she blinked them away.
"I'm sorry!" she stammered as close to a whisper as she could come without whimpering. "I won't do it again! I swear! You're hurting me." This, of course, was a lie bred of shock. He was not squeezing her arm hardly at all, only enough to let her know that he could easily break her wrist without a thought, but she knew that she was going nowhere until he let go. Again she felt manipulated, lost in a world she didn't know, and yet a world not so very different from her own as it might seem.
Haldir let go of her arm, and she stared at her wrist, trying to seem amazed that the red marks his fingers had created wore away and didn't bruise. In more than the back of her mind she had known they wouldn't, but had hoped that they would. She would have loved to make him feel guilty. He didn't really want to hurt her.
"Erashnak," he said, inclining his head with an apologetic set to the thin line of his lips. "I am sorry as well. But you must realize how much danger you are in. I am not trying to be controlling, I am simply setting the laws that you must live by if you are to dwell among the elves. I knew it would not be easy, but you make it very hard, Era. No elf among all that is good would ever speak orcish, no matter where they were raised."
She was glaring at him with a chilling, blank face, her chin pressed downward as she looked at him from behind her lashes. Sighing his annoyance as well as his sympathy, he gently pushed up her chin to make her look at him properly.
"This is the way it must be, or you must leave. Do you not see that I am trying to help you?"
Erashnak couldn't force her lips up from a frown, and she turned her face away to let them tremble with the effort. "I am not an elf," she said at last, sucking in a deep breath.
Haldir was taken aback by how cold and harsh her voice had become. "I know," he said. "And that is why I must try my best to protect you."
The orc sighed, wishing she had someone she could throw her arms around and cry. She glanced at Haldir, and choked on her brimming tears. No. She wiped them away and stood for a moment, taking deep breaths, filling her lungs to their fullest and holding her breath for a moment before letting it out slowly. And just as slowly she felt calm being restored to her, closing her eyes to bask in its cool embrace. She would be fine. She could do this. Haldir was right. It was the only way. Why fear and hate the elves? They were so much the same, and yet... so different. But so were men, and there had been marriages between the two before, so much she knew. But men and elves were much different from elves and orcs.
She opened her eyes then, giving him a bleak smile which he returned with a much warmer expression. Suddenly she realized that he had taken hold of her hand as if to get her attention, no doubt worrying about her strange 'orcish doings' again. She stretched her fingers, feeling how firm and yet how gentle his grasp still was, and he let go at once.
"Perhaps, then, we should corner Luinhuinë and see about a bit of a stroll before we must leave, do you think?" he asked, and she wondered how he could shift between emotions so quickly.
"Yes," she said, "I think I would like that very much."
~*~
Westron was a more commonly known language so close to the outskirts of the wood, but still it was not used unless necessary, and many still did not know it. Erashnak was greatly subdued by the constant, soft hum of elvish around her. It felt like a torment of words that had come to attack her mind, like the buzz of mosquitoes in her ear. An annoyance if a small threat, and challenging to ignore.
Haldir had spent the greater part of their conversations at supper translating what elves were saying to her, and then translating her replies in turn. Fortunately most of the elves had decided that it wasn't worth the trouble to try and carry on a worthless conversation with her and let them be. But by the time that Haldir had convinced Luinhuinë that a tour of the village was required, Erashnak was following at a distance, paying no attention at all, her hands loosely clasped as she played with her fingers, eyes downcast to deter any attempt to confront her with their bombardment of elvish talk.
Haldir sighed and tugged on a lock of her strange-colored hair with a brotherly playfulness that she couldn't ignore, thoughts of her true family embracing her mind with less sorrow than she had thought would come. A ghost of a smile appeared on her lips, and it was enough for him to decide that she was fine, ushering her to the door. Luinhuinë met them at the bottom of the stairs, where she was speaking with a maidservant.
"Come now," she said, "I have a bit of shopping to do that I wasn't given time to finish, what with your arrival and all, and I would like to be back before nightfall, if you don't mind."
"Shall we then?" said Haldir, offering an arm to his cousin even as he continued to gesture with the other, already deep in one conversation or another.
Erashnak watched them, walking nearly five paces away, as far away as she dared to be lest she raise Haldir's anger again. He had already proceeded to explain to her why it would be unseemly for the two of them to walk about alone - with all of the people who knew him and his relatives, at best they would be considered illicit lovers. Though this had caused her to press their agreement with a snort, she didn't linger on the subject. At the current state of events she wasn't expected to touch or even pay attention to anyone, and that could only be considered a perk. As it was, Haldir's warnings had given her a very wicked and dangerous view of elves... Physical contact was beyond consideration.
But soon she forgot her misgivings and began to become curious and excited once more as the strange colors and smells of the market came to her again, giving her little wisps of the unknown on every fierce gust of the wind. When they truly did reach the market, Haldir quickly let go of his cousin as she hurried about her own business and latched his arm around the orc's as she began to veer yet again.
As Luinhuinë gave orders to her handmaidens at least two menservants, the pair followed her about, Haldir swiftly becoming absorbed in his conversations with Erashnak. She had never spoken so much to him or any other as she did then, bursting with another question before he had even fully answered the one before, and she had never spoken so conversationally. The cold edge in her voice was gone even as her eyes became bright, and the sarcasm that normally laced her voice lost its sting, seeming no more than amusing when it was even present. It was childish, yes, but that was half of the point.
When they had ceased their roaming for a moment, Luinhuinë inspecting melons with one of her servants, Erashnak took swift advantage of the chance to stare and pored over how the harp in that shop made its sound. Haldir vaguely remembered mentioning something about how Orophin could make better, and of her replying that would he please stop talking about people she'd never heard of as if she should have. But the lull in their seemingly constant motion had set his mind toward more internal thoughts.
He found himself staring out into space, his vision unfocused, though subconsciously he realized that he was staring at her hand where it lay draped absently over his arm, the fingers relaxed except every now-and-then when she waved them to express a point. It made him think of that moment just a day before, when she had set her hand against his. And that made him think of how neutral she could become in the blink of an eye, and that in turn led him to think of how much she had changed in one rising of the sun. A day ago, she would have rather died a nervous wreck than even come near him. Except for that one moment... that one moment when she was being herself, her own curious, inquisitive self, and not the paranoid creature that she had been raised to become in the presence of an elf.
And that made him think of the last time that he had touched her arm. His own fury that she had been so careless was beyond him. Why did he care if she gave herself away? He had no reason to feel that he had to prove himself, and if the blame were placed upon him, he could easily say that he thought his own lie about her circumstance was true. The only reason, then, was because she had come to mean enough to him that he couldn't bear the thought that she would be discovered. Natural, of course. He had joined the Guard to protect people. Death, under any circumstance, seemed a terrible thing to him, worse even than to others of his own race.
At least, that is what he told himself. And for all of the flaws in this logic, it was all that he had to go by. He knew her, and he trusted her, and she trusted him. And that he would not betray.
"Then I suppose how large the harp is would effect the sounds that it could produce?"
Haldir blinked, his eyes flickering up to meet hers. She was watching him, reading his body language, gathering extra information to add to whatever answer he gave. There was a fain light in her eyes, but it wasn't like the look of Luinhuinë or of her son Airerosion. It was a purely curious, calm, quiet expression, composed and subtle but firm, unwavering but gentle, filled with infinite nuances and vague shadows of thought. Her eyes, he decided, were like watching the world through the reflections of a river at its full - steady and strong, slow and swift at the same time, quieter than rapids and waterfalls, but changing all that it touched all the more fiercely. Slow erosion that leaves wonderful things in its path. There was so much there that would flow by him, and every moment that he didn't stand there staring, who knew what he could miss? But standing there until the end of time itself didn't feel like all that impossible of a feat at all.
"Haldir, wouldn't Atalante look simply beautiful in this?"
Erashnak jumped as a wave of fabric flew over her, imprisoned on both sides by Luinhuinë's pale arms as she held a gray-green and silver gown across the orc from behind. Haldir, snapping out of his musings with surprise, chuckled as her eyes widened, obviously appalled by the slender curves and lower cut of the gown.
"Of course," he said, picking up a sleeve to feel the soft texture of the material. Pursing her lips Erashnak brushed her fingers over the skirts, smiling at the strange knew attraction for her senses.
"And I have a gift for you as well, cousin, though I'm not certain you deserve it," said Luinhuinë, holding out her balled fists until he opened up his hands under them so that she could drop a broach onto his long fingers.
"A swan," said Haldir, holding up the figure of a great bird in his hand, its wings outspread and its long neck arched. "How appropriate."
Erashnak leaned in closer to look at the broach as the two of them laughed. 'Swan,' she mouthed wordlessly, wondering where she had seen a 'swan' before. It was a beautiful creature, she decided, her eyes tracing the gleam of the evening sun as it arched over the bird's graceful features.
"I've wanted to give you this ever since you became a Captain, though you must know that I do not want you to keep it," said Luinhuinë, and Erashnak thought of asking what she meant, but such thoughts had become common to her mind and so she chose to ignore it.
Haldir smiled vaguely, his eyes distant for a moment before turning back to look at his cousin as if waking up from a dream. "Thank you, Luinhuinë. You are the most wonderful, of course."
"Yes, yes, but Atalante needed something to wear to go before Galadriel, as I suppose she must, and that broach... belongs to you... I believe. I really do wish that you would spend at least one night with us, and not go off in such a hurry," said Luinhuinë as she handed the gown to a maidservant to be folded and packed properly.
"And I am sorry that we must go, but we must," said Haldir, encircling his cousin in a fond embrace. "And soon, I believe, if we wish to reach the outpost in time to make it to Caras Galadhon before the hour grows too late. As it is we must ride through the night."
"Then I suppose there is nothing for it," she said, breaking away from her cousin to give Erashnak a much more formal embrace. Haldir gave the orc an encouraging smile as fear flashed across her eyes in a burst of renewed instinct, and Erashnak sighed, trying to return the gesture as well as she could.
"Farewell," she murmured, lacing her fingers, "and thank you."
Luinhuinë gave a smile tinged with sadness as Erashnak had come to believe that all things were, and hugged her cousin again.
"Come then, if you must. I've ordered one of our own horses for you, and taken the liberty of packing a fine supply of baggage for you to take home. And if I don't get to see you again for the Valar know how long, remember that I know where you live, and I have many sons. Goodbye, Haldir."
"Was that a threat?" asked Haldir, inclining an eyebrow. "Perhaps I should visit more often."
"See that you do," said Luinhuinë, sighing as she saw a rather large and well-laden horse follow a stablehand out of the barns now not a hundred yards away.
"I'm sorry that I can't see you off, but as it is it will be dark by the time I am home. Safe journey, cousin. Farewell."
There was another round of goodbyes, and Luinhuinë turned away reluctantly and strode down to the market with a wave of her hand, soon disappearing among the elaborate streets. Haldir stared after her for a moment with a hint of a smile on his lips before turning around and sweeping his eyes over the mount.
"I suppose that you have never ridden before, so I asked for only one horse. And I fine one at that; perhaps we might make up some time on the way - are you alright?" asked Haldir as he turned to look at Erashnak, his brow furrowing.
The orc had stayed back at least ten paces, her eyes wide with something like only half-defeated fear. Her gaze was glued to the beast, flinching as it swung its head to look at her. They stared at each other for a moment that lingered on to more, and Haldir stepped toward Erashnak to get a better look at her face, becoming anxious of her silent, rapt attentions on the horse.
At this Erashnak glanced at him, her expression far more calm now that she seemed certain that the creature wasn't going to attack her at the moment, her back still rigid.
"I've heard about such things," she said, her eyes darting to the creature and back, "but I never thought they were real. What did you call... it?"
Haldir shook his head with a grin at the expression on her face as she set her eyes roving over their mount. "A horse, I believe. They're quite harmless - especially such as this mare. Go and give her a chance to smell you before we mount up and you will see."
"Mount up?" said Erashnak, her eyes growing wide. "Do you mean that you honestly intend to get on top of that thing?"
"Yes, as do you. Now stop acting as if you've never seen a horse before and let us get on the road before too many start forming suspicions."
Before Erashnak could blurt five syllables of her protest Haldir had taken her by the arm and nearly dragged her for a few steps before his warning glare set her feet to walking once more. Now facing the monstrous beast she stared up at it with a mixture of horror, curiosity and excitement in her strange eyes.
Haldir took hold of her hand and set it palm-up just under the horse's nose, lacing his fingers around hers from the back as she went to pull away. The beast blinked at the curious elf-like being before her and took a deep breath of her scent before blowing out gently against her palm. Erashnak, still straining backward, suddenly froze as the creature set her velvety muzzle against her skin.
A smile played with the corners of the orc's pale lips to her dismay, but in a moment that dismay was forgotten as her fingers brushed across the long hairs on the horse's chin before reaching up to stroke the soft fur of her nose. Haldir let go of her hand, and slowly remembering the elf's existence Erashnak turned and they gave each other a soft smile.
A smile... thought Erashnak. Amazing how a thing that had been such a rarity just a single rising of the sun ago had now become such a well excepted custom. She loved to see people smile, she realized, and broadened her own grin just to see Haldir do the same. Infectious, really, smiling.
The horse snorted and Erashnak leapt to the side like a startled hare, Haldir just keeping her from falling as she stumbled into him. The orc glared at him as he laughed, but sighed and shook her head. Her eyes were becoming dry and her eyelids heavy, bringing soft thoughts of sleep to her mind once more.
"Haldir," she said, and he gazed down at her from so close that Erashnak marveled that she was not afraid. "Where are we going? Why must we hurry?"
"We are going to Caras Galadhon, the city where Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel dwell. No doubt you will be expected to go before them, to decide what must be done with you. I suppose they will try to find you a good foster family - you seem a bit young for much anything else, though I suppose you could become a maid to some Lady. But don't worry so much about that yet. There is a long ride before us."
"We will... ride... through the night?" asked Erashnak, trying to focus on the journey and put the destination out of her mind. "Are you not tired after staying up all night?"
"Not really," said Haldir with a smile. "I did sleep a little while you were being tortured, as you would put it. But I suppose I'll be ready enough for a few days rest when this mission is over. You are quite a taxing quest."
Erashnak turned and waved him away with a sigh that was interrupted by a yawn. Haldir chuckled, tugging at a strand of her hair to make her think he was on the other side of her before deftly picking her up and sitting her on the horse. She gave a muffled yelp before clutching the saddle and becoming so rigid she might be made of stone.
"Had to get you up there somehow, now didn't I? And don't bother to tell me that you would have gotten up yourself," said Haldir, shaking his head as he swing himself into the saddle. The horse took a step, shifting its weight, and Erashnak threw her arms around the elf, squeezing her eyes shut and clenching her teeth.
"I thought you might like to sit behind," he smiled, finding it a bit hard to breathe when she squeezed so tightly, "so that you could hold on yourself, and not have to trust me to hold on to you. But I swear to you that this beast will not let you fall. I didn't know I was so much better than a horse...," he added when she didn't let go.
"I don't know how you stand this," came the muffled reply, Erashnak's face pressed into his back.
Haldir touched his heels to the mare, quickly moving up to a trot. It was best to get away from civilization at the moment, with Erashnak acting as if she were sitting on top of a balrog. He sighed as he felt the orc's grip tighten in fear, wondering if letting her sit behind was really all that good of an idea.
"Neither do I," he said, as the dark shadow of the forest rose to meet them even as the bright colors of nightfall set the sky ablaze with the promise of a new morning after the long, healing dark to come.
A/N #2: And there you have it. I know it took forever, and I hope it wasn't too disappointing. I've been really depressed lately, if you couldn't tell by all of the excuses I made for them to touch each other. I need a hug -sobs-. Anyway, I'm hoping to at least write a chapter a week. If I miss a week, then you can be pretty sure that my teachers are being mean with their homework assignments. I don't think I'll be able to add a new chappie next week though, because my friends have decided that I would be fun to go camping. Wooooppppieeee......... Until next time, then!
A/N #1: Yes, I'm still here. Can you believe this chapter took me over three weeks to write? I was in New York for a while, and then school started, and labor day weekend had me shopping and visiting with family, and I've been so busy as of late training my filly that I've only been able to write a paragraph or two at a time. And I'm still not happy with it - probably because of the fact. Oh well, I give you chapter six, and I promise to make chapter seven better.
Chapter 6: Burning Bridges
~*~
Among the many strange occurrences now stored in Erashnak's memory, that first time sitting down to supper was the strangest yet. None could sit until the lady sat, and then, to the unobserving eye, all custom was done and over with. But from where Erashnak sat beside Haldir, much more was apparent to the eye. A flurry of protocol from manner of speaking to the use of cutlery (which was an entirely new prospect altogether) quickly began building up.
Haldir had positioned himself strategically so that Erashnak could not only steal glances at him, but at Luinhuinë, and not seem rude in doing so. But the orc was even more cunning than he could imagine. Her eyes darted so quickly that even he could hardly notice, and she found perfect reasons to give one person or another a lasting glance without being uncouth in the least. She selected the perfect portions of every dish that she tried so that she would be in time with the next dish's consumption by some other person, and if he hadn't been watching so closely (and not nearly as well as Erashnak) he would have thought her born to the life of an elven princess.
As the courses wore down - Erashnak being careful to take the most appropriate amounts of each so that even she, with her unused constitution, could grace through them all - the orc even found it in her to carry on a true conversation with Luinhuinë's eldest son, Airerosion.
"Mother has told me that you are sorely injured, though if these were not of her own words I would hardly believe it. She says that you might be bleeding internally, and that you most likely have broken ribs. Have you lost a lot of blood?" he asked, pressing his fingertips together before him.
"Undoubtably," said Erashnak, "And I've lost more since I came here. But as for the broken ribs, I've had them before, and internal bleeding as well, though I am not bleeding inside at the moment," she smiled, and Haldir wondered just how real and how strained that it was.
"You have bled internally before?" asked Airerosion, the light in his eyes growing eager with the thirst for knowledge that his apprentice mind seemed to have without bounds.
"Yes. Once I got an iron boot to the gut when I was being generally foolish in -" she stopped in time to save herself from elaboration at Haldir's glare. She swallowed, looking away for a moment. "It felt like falling into a warm bath, I think. Like dieing and being born at the same time, cold and sweltering at once. At least, that was how it felt to me."
"You remember being born?" Airerosion said, his voice incredulous. Erashnak turned back again to stare at the two elves' amazed expressions and smiled besides herself.
"Of course not. No one remembers being born. That is just what I think it might be like."
"I wouldn't know," said Airerosion, cocking an eyebrow.
"I thought that you are an apprentice healer," stated Erashnak, curving her pitch at the end of the sentence so that it might be considered a question.
"I am, but it is the knowledge of midwives that you speak of."
"Midwives?" said Erashnak, as if trying out a new word.
"Yes, Atalante. They are women who assist in birth," said Haldir, the very note in which he spoke her elvish 'name' confirming that he knew she had almost launched into a speech about her family. It would all be well and good if she could keep this speech under control, that is, until Airerosion heard that she was supposedly taken by the orcs as a baby. But the moment of silence that ensued his words was all that was needed for his cousin's son to begin again.
"How were you cured?" he spoke as if many things were flashing through his mind.
"I... don't remember," said Erashnak after a moment, furrowing her brow. "I remember shivering so hard that it hurt, and gasping, feeling as if my lungs had burst and I was going to suffocate. Then the world went completely black, not the false black where there is no light, but the true black where there is nothing. And then I woke up... and I was well."
Airerosion and Haldir stared at her with widened eyes and raised brows, Airerosion's mind wheeling with thoughts of the Valar's divine interference, while Haldir slowly let yet another flood of questions about the orcs flow through his mind. He would have to ask her, someday.
But Airerosion was not waiting for someday. Erashnak would be leaving soon, and he had many questions to ask. Some were answered easily enough, and others pressed them both to uneasiness. At last Luinhuinë announced an end to the meal, and Erashnak was not slow to retire to a balcony as soon as the words were uttered. Haldir followed, catching a drift of singing from the market in the distance, and found himself smiling once more.
~*~
The second deal of the day was made easily enough. Erashnak would start acting like an elf in every way, paying attention to what she said and the manner in which she said it. Her actions would reflect her predicament, she would not defend the orcs in any way, and the first agreement would apply double-fold. In return Haldir would nudge Luinhuinë into taking a walk about the village. It would only take one slip, he warned her, and the elves would know that she was not what she seemed. She would be shunned from them, or worse, falling either way unto a fate of death.
To this Erashnak had agreed with a sigh. She had no doubt that she would be forced to do so anyway, as he was like to use this as one side of a threat just as well as one side of a deal, and she might as well take something from it. She couldn't remember what she herself had gained from their first agreement, and it made her feel extremely manipulated until he reminded her that she could leave if she wished, and wander alone in the wood until she died or was killed.
Erashnak had now become well aware of Haldir's ability to snap her in half if he so desired, shown to her quite well when she stepped on the hem of her dress and nearly tripped with a curse - an orcish curse. He had stopped her from falling, yes, but did not release the grip that he had on her wrist, twisting it upward until she was forced to look at him. She had never seen anyone more furious since she was a little girl, and had quailed immediately, annoyed at the tears that began to sting her eyes as she blinked them away.
"I'm sorry!" she stammered as close to a whisper as she could come without whimpering. "I won't do it again! I swear! You're hurting me." This, of course, was a lie bred of shock. He was not squeezing her arm hardly at all, only enough to let her know that he could easily break her wrist without a thought, but she knew that she was going nowhere until he let go. Again she felt manipulated, lost in a world she didn't know, and yet a world not so very different from her own as it might seem.
Haldir let go of her arm, and she stared at her wrist, trying to seem amazed that the red marks his fingers had created wore away and didn't bruise. In more than the back of her mind she had known they wouldn't, but had hoped that they would. She would have loved to make him feel guilty. He didn't really want to hurt her.
"Erashnak," he said, inclining his head with an apologetic set to the thin line of his lips. "I am sorry as well. But you must realize how much danger you are in. I am not trying to be controlling, I am simply setting the laws that you must live by if you are to dwell among the elves. I knew it would not be easy, but you make it very hard, Era. No elf among all that is good would ever speak orcish, no matter where they were raised."
She was glaring at him with a chilling, blank face, her chin pressed downward as she looked at him from behind her lashes. Sighing his annoyance as well as his sympathy, he gently pushed up her chin to make her look at him properly.
"This is the way it must be, or you must leave. Do you not see that I am trying to help you?"
Erashnak couldn't force her lips up from a frown, and she turned her face away to let them tremble with the effort. "I am not an elf," she said at last, sucking in a deep breath.
Haldir was taken aback by how cold and harsh her voice had become. "I know," he said. "And that is why I must try my best to protect you."
The orc sighed, wishing she had someone she could throw her arms around and cry. She glanced at Haldir, and choked on her brimming tears. No. She wiped them away and stood for a moment, taking deep breaths, filling her lungs to their fullest and holding her breath for a moment before letting it out slowly. And just as slowly she felt calm being restored to her, closing her eyes to bask in its cool embrace. She would be fine. She could do this. Haldir was right. It was the only way. Why fear and hate the elves? They were so much the same, and yet... so different. But so were men, and there had been marriages between the two before, so much she knew. But men and elves were much different from elves and orcs.
She opened her eyes then, giving him a bleak smile which he returned with a much warmer expression. Suddenly she realized that he had taken hold of her hand as if to get her attention, no doubt worrying about her strange 'orcish doings' again. She stretched her fingers, feeling how firm and yet how gentle his grasp still was, and he let go at once.
"Perhaps, then, we should corner Luinhuinë and see about a bit of a stroll before we must leave, do you think?" he asked, and she wondered how he could shift between emotions so quickly.
"Yes," she said, "I think I would like that very much."
~*~
Westron was a more commonly known language so close to the outskirts of the wood, but still it was not used unless necessary, and many still did not know it. Erashnak was greatly subdued by the constant, soft hum of elvish around her. It felt like a torment of words that had come to attack her mind, like the buzz of mosquitoes in her ear. An annoyance if a small threat, and challenging to ignore.
Haldir had spent the greater part of their conversations at supper translating what elves were saying to her, and then translating her replies in turn. Fortunately most of the elves had decided that it wasn't worth the trouble to try and carry on a worthless conversation with her and let them be. But by the time that Haldir had convinced Luinhuinë that a tour of the village was required, Erashnak was following at a distance, paying no attention at all, her hands loosely clasped as she played with her fingers, eyes downcast to deter any attempt to confront her with their bombardment of elvish talk.
Haldir sighed and tugged on a lock of her strange-colored hair with a brotherly playfulness that she couldn't ignore, thoughts of her true family embracing her mind with less sorrow than she had thought would come. A ghost of a smile appeared on her lips, and it was enough for him to decide that she was fine, ushering her to the door. Luinhuinë met them at the bottom of the stairs, where she was speaking with a maidservant.
"Come now," she said, "I have a bit of shopping to do that I wasn't given time to finish, what with your arrival and all, and I would like to be back before nightfall, if you don't mind."
"Shall we then?" said Haldir, offering an arm to his cousin even as he continued to gesture with the other, already deep in one conversation or another.
Erashnak watched them, walking nearly five paces away, as far away as she dared to be lest she raise Haldir's anger again. He had already proceeded to explain to her why it would be unseemly for the two of them to walk about alone - with all of the people who knew him and his relatives, at best they would be considered illicit lovers. Though this had caused her to press their agreement with a snort, she didn't linger on the subject. At the current state of events she wasn't expected to touch or even pay attention to anyone, and that could only be considered a perk. As it was, Haldir's warnings had given her a very wicked and dangerous view of elves... Physical contact was beyond consideration.
But soon she forgot her misgivings and began to become curious and excited once more as the strange colors and smells of the market came to her again, giving her little wisps of the unknown on every fierce gust of the wind. When they truly did reach the market, Haldir quickly let go of his cousin as she hurried about her own business and latched his arm around the orc's as she began to veer yet again.
As Luinhuinë gave orders to her handmaidens at least two menservants, the pair followed her about, Haldir swiftly becoming absorbed in his conversations with Erashnak. She had never spoken so much to him or any other as she did then, bursting with another question before he had even fully answered the one before, and she had never spoken so conversationally. The cold edge in her voice was gone even as her eyes became bright, and the sarcasm that normally laced her voice lost its sting, seeming no more than amusing when it was even present. It was childish, yes, but that was half of the point.
When they had ceased their roaming for a moment, Luinhuinë inspecting melons with one of her servants, Erashnak took swift advantage of the chance to stare and pored over how the harp in that shop made its sound. Haldir vaguely remembered mentioning something about how Orophin could make better, and of her replying that would he please stop talking about people she'd never heard of as if she should have. But the lull in their seemingly constant motion had set his mind toward more internal thoughts.
He found himself staring out into space, his vision unfocused, though subconsciously he realized that he was staring at her hand where it lay draped absently over his arm, the fingers relaxed except every now-and-then when she waved them to express a point. It made him think of that moment just a day before, when she had set her hand against his. And that made him think of how neutral she could become in the blink of an eye, and that in turn led him to think of how much she had changed in one rising of the sun. A day ago, she would have rather died a nervous wreck than even come near him. Except for that one moment... that one moment when she was being herself, her own curious, inquisitive self, and not the paranoid creature that she had been raised to become in the presence of an elf.
And that made him think of the last time that he had touched her arm. His own fury that she had been so careless was beyond him. Why did he care if she gave herself away? He had no reason to feel that he had to prove himself, and if the blame were placed upon him, he could easily say that he thought his own lie about her circumstance was true. The only reason, then, was because she had come to mean enough to him that he couldn't bear the thought that she would be discovered. Natural, of course. He had joined the Guard to protect people. Death, under any circumstance, seemed a terrible thing to him, worse even than to others of his own race.
At least, that is what he told himself. And for all of the flaws in this logic, it was all that he had to go by. He knew her, and he trusted her, and she trusted him. And that he would not betray.
"Then I suppose how large the harp is would effect the sounds that it could produce?"
Haldir blinked, his eyes flickering up to meet hers. She was watching him, reading his body language, gathering extra information to add to whatever answer he gave. There was a fain light in her eyes, but it wasn't like the look of Luinhuinë or of her son Airerosion. It was a purely curious, calm, quiet expression, composed and subtle but firm, unwavering but gentle, filled with infinite nuances and vague shadows of thought. Her eyes, he decided, were like watching the world through the reflections of a river at its full - steady and strong, slow and swift at the same time, quieter than rapids and waterfalls, but changing all that it touched all the more fiercely. Slow erosion that leaves wonderful things in its path. There was so much there that would flow by him, and every moment that he didn't stand there staring, who knew what he could miss? But standing there until the end of time itself didn't feel like all that impossible of a feat at all.
"Haldir, wouldn't Atalante look simply beautiful in this?"
Erashnak jumped as a wave of fabric flew over her, imprisoned on both sides by Luinhuinë's pale arms as she held a gray-green and silver gown across the orc from behind. Haldir, snapping out of his musings with surprise, chuckled as her eyes widened, obviously appalled by the slender curves and lower cut of the gown.
"Of course," he said, picking up a sleeve to feel the soft texture of the material. Pursing her lips Erashnak brushed her fingers over the skirts, smiling at the strange knew attraction for her senses.
"And I have a gift for you as well, cousin, though I'm not certain you deserve it," said Luinhuinë, holding out her balled fists until he opened up his hands under them so that she could drop a broach onto his long fingers.
"A swan," said Haldir, holding up the figure of a great bird in his hand, its wings outspread and its long neck arched. "How appropriate."
Erashnak leaned in closer to look at the broach as the two of them laughed. 'Swan,' she mouthed wordlessly, wondering where she had seen a 'swan' before. It was a beautiful creature, she decided, her eyes tracing the gleam of the evening sun as it arched over the bird's graceful features.
"I've wanted to give you this ever since you became a Captain, though you must know that I do not want you to keep it," said Luinhuinë, and Erashnak thought of asking what she meant, but such thoughts had become common to her mind and so she chose to ignore it.
Haldir smiled vaguely, his eyes distant for a moment before turning back to look at his cousin as if waking up from a dream. "Thank you, Luinhuinë. You are the most wonderful, of course."
"Yes, yes, but Atalante needed something to wear to go before Galadriel, as I suppose she must, and that broach... belongs to you... I believe. I really do wish that you would spend at least one night with us, and not go off in such a hurry," said Luinhuinë as she handed the gown to a maidservant to be folded and packed properly.
"And I am sorry that we must go, but we must," said Haldir, encircling his cousin in a fond embrace. "And soon, I believe, if we wish to reach the outpost in time to make it to Caras Galadhon before the hour grows too late. As it is we must ride through the night."
"Then I suppose there is nothing for it," she said, breaking away from her cousin to give Erashnak a much more formal embrace. Haldir gave the orc an encouraging smile as fear flashed across her eyes in a burst of renewed instinct, and Erashnak sighed, trying to return the gesture as well as she could.
"Farewell," she murmured, lacing her fingers, "and thank you."
Luinhuinë gave a smile tinged with sadness as Erashnak had come to believe that all things were, and hugged her cousin again.
"Come then, if you must. I've ordered one of our own horses for you, and taken the liberty of packing a fine supply of baggage for you to take home. And if I don't get to see you again for the Valar know how long, remember that I know where you live, and I have many sons. Goodbye, Haldir."
"Was that a threat?" asked Haldir, inclining an eyebrow. "Perhaps I should visit more often."
"See that you do," said Luinhuinë, sighing as she saw a rather large and well-laden horse follow a stablehand out of the barns now not a hundred yards away.
"I'm sorry that I can't see you off, but as it is it will be dark by the time I am home. Safe journey, cousin. Farewell."
There was another round of goodbyes, and Luinhuinë turned away reluctantly and strode down to the market with a wave of her hand, soon disappearing among the elaborate streets. Haldir stared after her for a moment with a hint of a smile on his lips before turning around and sweeping his eyes over the mount.
"I suppose that you have never ridden before, so I asked for only one horse. And I fine one at that; perhaps we might make up some time on the way - are you alright?" asked Haldir as he turned to look at Erashnak, his brow furrowing.
The orc had stayed back at least ten paces, her eyes wide with something like only half-defeated fear. Her gaze was glued to the beast, flinching as it swung its head to look at her. They stared at each other for a moment that lingered on to more, and Haldir stepped toward Erashnak to get a better look at her face, becoming anxious of her silent, rapt attentions on the horse.
At this Erashnak glanced at him, her expression far more calm now that she seemed certain that the creature wasn't going to attack her at the moment, her back still rigid.
"I've heard about such things," she said, her eyes darting to the creature and back, "but I never thought they were real. What did you call... it?"
Haldir shook his head with a grin at the expression on her face as she set her eyes roving over their mount. "A horse, I believe. They're quite harmless - especially such as this mare. Go and give her a chance to smell you before we mount up and you will see."
"Mount up?" said Erashnak, her eyes growing wide. "Do you mean that you honestly intend to get on top of that thing?"
"Yes, as do you. Now stop acting as if you've never seen a horse before and let us get on the road before too many start forming suspicions."
Before Erashnak could blurt five syllables of her protest Haldir had taken her by the arm and nearly dragged her for a few steps before his warning glare set her feet to walking once more. Now facing the monstrous beast she stared up at it with a mixture of horror, curiosity and excitement in her strange eyes.
Haldir took hold of her hand and set it palm-up just under the horse's nose, lacing his fingers around hers from the back as she went to pull away. The beast blinked at the curious elf-like being before her and took a deep breath of her scent before blowing out gently against her palm. Erashnak, still straining backward, suddenly froze as the creature set her velvety muzzle against her skin.
A smile played with the corners of the orc's pale lips to her dismay, but in a moment that dismay was forgotten as her fingers brushed across the long hairs on the horse's chin before reaching up to stroke the soft fur of her nose. Haldir let go of her hand, and slowly remembering the elf's existence Erashnak turned and they gave each other a soft smile.
A smile... thought Erashnak. Amazing how a thing that had been such a rarity just a single rising of the sun ago had now become such a well excepted custom. She loved to see people smile, she realized, and broadened her own grin just to see Haldir do the same. Infectious, really, smiling.
The horse snorted and Erashnak leapt to the side like a startled hare, Haldir just keeping her from falling as she stumbled into him. The orc glared at him as he laughed, but sighed and shook her head. Her eyes were becoming dry and her eyelids heavy, bringing soft thoughts of sleep to her mind once more.
"Haldir," she said, and he gazed down at her from so close that Erashnak marveled that she was not afraid. "Where are we going? Why must we hurry?"
"We are going to Caras Galadhon, the city where Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel dwell. No doubt you will be expected to go before them, to decide what must be done with you. I suppose they will try to find you a good foster family - you seem a bit young for much anything else, though I suppose you could become a maid to some Lady. But don't worry so much about that yet. There is a long ride before us."
"We will... ride... through the night?" asked Erashnak, trying to focus on the journey and put the destination out of her mind. "Are you not tired after staying up all night?"
"Not really," said Haldir with a smile. "I did sleep a little while you were being tortured, as you would put it. But I suppose I'll be ready enough for a few days rest when this mission is over. You are quite a taxing quest."
Erashnak turned and waved him away with a sigh that was interrupted by a yawn. Haldir chuckled, tugging at a strand of her hair to make her think he was on the other side of her before deftly picking her up and sitting her on the horse. She gave a muffled yelp before clutching the saddle and becoming so rigid she might be made of stone.
"Had to get you up there somehow, now didn't I? And don't bother to tell me that you would have gotten up yourself," said Haldir, shaking his head as he swing himself into the saddle. The horse took a step, shifting its weight, and Erashnak threw her arms around the elf, squeezing her eyes shut and clenching her teeth.
"I thought you might like to sit behind," he smiled, finding it a bit hard to breathe when she squeezed so tightly, "so that you could hold on yourself, and not have to trust me to hold on to you. But I swear to you that this beast will not let you fall. I didn't know I was so much better than a horse...," he added when she didn't let go.
"I don't know how you stand this," came the muffled reply, Erashnak's face pressed into his back.
Haldir touched his heels to the mare, quickly moving up to a trot. It was best to get away from civilization at the moment, with Erashnak acting as if she were sitting on top of a balrog. He sighed as he felt the orc's grip tighten in fear, wondering if letting her sit behind was really all that good of an idea.
"Neither do I," he said, as the dark shadow of the forest rose to meet them even as the bright colors of nightfall set the sky ablaze with the promise of a new morning after the long, healing dark to come.
A/N #2: And there you have it. I know it took forever, and I hope it wasn't too disappointing. I've been really depressed lately, if you couldn't tell by all of the excuses I made for them to touch each other. I need a hug -sobs-. Anyway, I'm hoping to at least write a chapter a week. If I miss a week, then you can be pretty sure that my teachers are being mean with their homework assignments. I don't think I'll be able to add a new chappie next week though, because my friends have decided that I would be fun to go camping. Wooooppppieeee......... Until next time, then!