"An Italian Kennedy"
SopranoMakeBelieve Sketch 7 of 13/Volume One
by Reelmakebelieve at AOL
Original Composition Date: 11/18/02 12:19 PM Pacific Daylight Time
Uncle Junior's home, Junior in bathrobe watches tv. Tony comes in.
Tony: Uncle Joon ... How ya' feelin'?
Junior: Like I got one foot in and the other on'a friggin' skateboard. Everything's in knots. I tried to go three times this mornin' before I got any real action.
Tony: Why don't you take some of that Metamucil?
Junior: Took some, my tongue turned black.
Tony: What about a little prune juice?
Junior: Prune juice! I'll have whatever you're drinkin'. What's your next move -- fuck a one-armed bandit down Atlantic City?
Tony: What?
Junior: All I have to say is I wish I had your vigor. Just make sure if I put up one of my legs you're not gonna start humpin' it.
Tony: Do you wanna tell me what you're talkin' about?
Junior: How was she last night, Valentino? (Tony shakes his head) Don't gimme that look. You know who I'm talkin' about. Greta Garbo over there!
Tony: Oh. The Russian.
Junior: Oh, he says. Who needs cable when I got Turner Classics right next door?
Tony: Don't you sleep at night?
Junior: What'd ya' mean sleep? Who the fuck can sleep? I haven't slept in thirty years. What's the hell's the matter with you anyway?
Tony: What's the matter with me. Joon, we had a little fun.
Junior: Is that what ya' call it? You go down in the gutter like that to have fun?
Tony: Look who's talkin' about going down ...
Junior: Don't get smart, my little nephew. At least when I go, I go with class. This poor girl, she's only got one leg, she's an invalid. Where do you draw the line?
Tony: Joon ...
Junior: Lemme give you a word of advice -- you wanna have fun? Do we did in my day!
Tony: Oh, in your day ...
Junior: That's right. Why do you think they called us Men of Respect? I don't blame ya' for wantin' to score cous'. You're only human. But get yourself a piece'a cous that matters!
Tony: Cous is cous.
Junior: That's where you're wrong. You remember our friend, the assemblyman, who became governor of New York?
Tony: Yeah, Mario.
Junior: You wanna talk about scorin' some cous? His son married a Kennedy.
Tony: Which one -- John or Robert?
Junior: Don't be cute. You wanna fool around? You wanna have a little fun? That's where you go to have fun.
Tony: With the Kennedys?
Junior: Because if there's an accident ... you come out lookin' good.
Tony: An accident.
Junior: That kid there. Cuomo's son. You think it was an accident he married a Kennedy?
Tony: So he married a Kennedy. So now what?
Junior: The future, Anthony! He's thinkin' about the future. You wanna make your mark on history? Put your dick where it counts! That Mario's grandson is going to be an Italian Kennedy.
Tony: An Italian Kennedy. Is that what you think about all day long, Joon?
Junior: When I'm laying in bed listening to my nephew fuckin' a one legged Russian nursemaid, that's what I think about!
Tony: Yeah well maybe we should get a jump on things and recruit the Italian Kennedy while he's still in preschool.
Junior: Go 'head, make a joke out of it. That kid is going to be
President. Fifty, sixty years from now there'll be an Italian Kennedy in the White House.
Tony: Just think'll all the fun we'll have then. Too bad you and I won't be around to see it.
Junior: I don't need to be around to see it. I already see it. That Mario's no idiot. He laid the groundwork for history.
Tony: You mean his son laid a Kennedy for history. Maybe I'll call the agency then and see if they got any home care types with a Kennedy blood line?
Junior: I'm glad you find this so funny, Anthony.
Tony: For your information, that Mario's son and Kerry Kennedy, they had daughters ... okay? And number two, it's over between them. So there goes your theory.
Junior: There can't be a woman President?
Tony: What about a Russian-Soprano in the White House, hah? Ever think'a that? I'll take a Russian-Soprano over an Italian Kennedy any day.
Junior: Did you use any protection? Don't even answer that. Just
thinkin' about it gives me agita. Now I gotta throw that couch out.
Tony: I'll get ya' a new couch, Joon.
Junior: Why do you think I never got married, Anthony?! Why do you think I got no kids of my own?!
Tony: I don't know. No Kennedys?
Junior: Ah! What's the use'a talkin' to you?!
Tony: All right. Thanks for the Uncle to Nephew chat, the words from the wise are sinkin' in. I hear ya'. Don't just fuck any bush, fuck Laura Bush. Aw right?