Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.
Here is chapter 5. It is a bit longer than the other chapters as it marks the end of the first part of the story.
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Chapter 5 – Days turned into weeks
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I cast a last glance at the headquarters. So much had happened since I first came here. The fact that it was only eight days ago was almost laughable.
In those eight days, I had joined the Ishinshishi, I had won my first few fights, I had got a promotion, I had met Saitou and, most of all, I had lost my brother. I would always cherish the memories of Akasi. No one would ever be able to erase these souvenirs or be able to take the place he had left vacant in my heart. My big brother… The one who had always looked after me… The one who had always guided my path…
He had done so much for me and now, I would never be able thank him.
Sadly, I pushed those thoughts away. I had to stop thinking about the past and I had to start focusing on the present events. A war was still going on. Somewhere in another Kyoto's district, a slightly different life was awaiting me. A life I would have to mould on my own beliefs and expectations.
I once heard that you could judge a person by his past actions. So far, I can't say that I'm particularly proud of mine, but also, I have nothing to really be ashamed of. But from now on, I would try to improve myself. I would try to think twice before doing something and I would never follow blindly instructions again…
Of course, the rules and commands of the Chosu clan restricted me, but even within these limits, I would try to affirm myself.
The beliefs I had shared with Asaki were still strong. Japan's situation could be better and I would fight to make sure that things would change. But lately, I had came to realize that Asaki had been an idealist. He had praised the Ishinshishi's good sides and he had ignored its bad sides. And there were a lot of bad sides.
Was fighting with the Chosu clan the wisest decision then? Maybe not, but it was a decision, a decision that I had made. I was the one who had chosen to be part of the Ishinshishi. I was the one who had agreed to take Asaki's position. No one had force me into it. Because of that, I would remain with the Chosu clan and try to hope for the best.
"Nakane-san…?"
Takasugi's voice disrupted my thoughts.
"Yes?"
"Are you coming?"
"Yes, I'm coming. I'm ready."
Two weeks had passed since we had moved in the new headquarters. Two weeks of slow adaptation.
What Takasugi had told me was true: this clan lacked strong leaders. The whole moving thing had clearly pointed that out. The headquarters seemed to be ruled more by hysteric wives trying to get the better room than by swordsmen fighting for a better tomorrow.
Five days ago, seeing that things were practically under control again, Takasugi had officially announced my promotion. Rumours had already been spread around, so no one had really been surprised. However, as soon as my promotion had been confirmed, most of the Chosu clan members changed their behaviour when they were around me.
When I first came here, to them, I was a stranger. I wasn't part of the group. After a few days, they had come to accept me and to respect me. I had then felt a little bit more at home. But now, now that I was someone important, they just stopped seeing me as a friend and started taking their distances. I was alone again.
Only the red-hair swordsman sharing my room continued to talk to me as he did before. He wasn't a man impressed by social rank. I was learning more and more things about him and he was learning more and more things about me. But both of us were still hiding a lot of things and we probably ever would. We were friends yes, but not close ones. We viewed things differently.
"You're back… You look tired… You should not overwork yourself."
I smiled. In the darkness of the room, I had not noticed Himura's presence. He was always there, not too far, making sure that everything was alright and that I was okay. I truly appreciated that. I had never seen anyone care for everything as much as he did. The fact that the man was one of the most feared hitokiri was almost unbelievable.
"I'm not overworking myself; I'm just doing my job… If I don't do it, no one will. And that cannot happen. Takasugi, Katsura and my whole unit rely on me."
He shook his head in disapproval.
"At least, are you happy with what you are doing?"
"Well… To tell the truth…"
It had been another hard day. Of course I enjoyed having to take decisions, having to make sure that everyone was safe and that everyone was doing tasks respecting their own limits. But… Over the past two weeks, I had seen Takasugi command things that I would never dare doing. I was a bit afraid that one day, he would assign my unit to one of those tasks: it would be hard then to follow my own code of honour.
"To tell the truth, you're still not sure if you should be in the Chosu clan at all…" said Himura, finishing my thought.
"Yes… Well, I really believe in the new era and I really wish that, I will live to see it. But, I think that our actions lack discipline, justice and courage. A one on one combat is fine with me, even if people die in the process. I know that you don't agree with me on that point, but that is how I see it. However, killing people who can't fight back is another thing. You can't build a peaceful era by using those means. People fear the Ishinshishi and the terror they have brought. That is very far from what we really should achieve…"
"I see… You know, with the implication of the British government, we will probably win this fight. The new era will come. But what the new era will eventually looks like will depend on who is going to be in command when it will be time to build it."
"With Takasugi in one of the leading position…"
"Takasugi dreams of a victory for the Ishinshishi. But his dream does not go much further. He is becoming weaker and weaker because of his illness and he will probably won't live long enough to see the new era. For that reason, Takasugi only wish to destroy this era, with every mean possible. He doesn't really care about the new one."
"That is why he orders massive killings and riots and I don't know what else… ?"
"Yes. But not all Ishinshishis think like Takasugi. Some are loyal and honourable fighters. I really hope that such men will be in the leading position when the time will come…"
"But then, how can we be sure that better days are really awaiting Japan? How can we be sure that we really are doing the right thing?"
"You know, Nakane-san, having doubts about what we are doing is what is going to make you keep your sanity throughout this conflict. If you didn't doubt anything, you would probably blindly follow Takasugi's commands and make things you would regret later on, things that you would not be able to erase of your memory." Said he, with a sad expression.
"You're referring to your days as a hitokiri?"
"Yes."
"What made you realize that you might not have done the right thing then?"
"My wife…"
For the second time, he mentioned her to me. For the second time, I realized how much pain her memory caused him. Living in the headquarters, I had heard rumours about what had happened between them, but they were probably very far from the reality.
"I don't know if you want to share what happened to me but… I would really appreciate it if you would allow me to understand better."
"It's… it's a sad and long story. I don't really feel ready to fully share it with anyone yet so, let just say that Tomoe questioned incessantly my doings like I should have done it myself. For a while, I didn't know how to react to it. I put her questions and comments in the back of my head. I accidentally killed her during a fight and, as fast as she had come into my life, she was gone. But, the words she told me, I will never forget. Once this war is over, I will begin a long journey in order to find the answers to her questions."
"Oh… I see… In your case, Tomoe's death opened your eyes a bit like in my case Asaki's death opened mine."
"Yes, but unlike you, I now totally disapprove killing, even in a one on one combat… Everyone, one day or another, has to suffer from a great loss in order to evolve substantially."
"It would be so much easier if we could evolve without them."
"Yes…"
Thunderstorms.
The lightening and thundering had waked me up and now, I had a hard time going back to sleep. I was thinking about Tomoe's story. With the rumours I had previously heard and now with the story mainline, I could now more comprehend Himura's attitude. That event had profoundly changed him and had brought a new light to his life.
If he hadn't killed Tomoe's fiancé, if he hadn't met her, if he hadn't killed her, he would have probably continued being a hitokiri…
From across the room, I could hear him breath. He was asleep but his breathing pattern was not peaceful. It could not be peaceful.
Would I, one day, feel so much guilt? Probably not. I opened my eyes before I did anything to be really ashamed of. And Himura deplored every life he took, even in loyal combat situation. I would probably never regret such a thing…
But then again, it was love had changed Himura's perspective and had fundamentally changed the way he view his implication with the Chosu clan. Love was a strong feeling which could even influence the actions of people who thought they were on the right path, like me... Maybe, one day, I would love someone and it would also fundamentally change me. But I did not love anyone.
Then, his image hit me like a ton of bricks. Saitou's image.
I shook my head. Of course, I did not love him. You cannot love someone you have barely seen or barely spoke to. But I knew by now that I was strongly attracted to him.
Would this relationship evolve, on day, into something more or would we always be figthing on different sides? While a part of me wished it, another part said: be careful…
But even aware of the awkwardness of the situation, I couldn't help remembering his tall and strong body, his determine expression and his strange eyes. I couldn't help wishing that he would, one day, hold me close…
"You're awake…"
On the other side of the room, Himura wasn't sleeping anymore. He was studying me instead. Under his gaze, I blushed. I hoped that, in the darkness of the room, he did not notice it. And most of all, I wished that he was unable to read my thoughts…
"Yes, the thunder woke me up. But don't worry, I'll soon go back to sleep, I need it…"
In a few weeks, things would settle down and I would be more apt to judge the situation. But first, I had to go talk with Takasugi. I had express my wish to be left out of some more… well some less honourable tasks.
You don't kill someone simply because his beliefs doesn't match yours. There has to be a deeper reason. You oppose someone when that person is a threat to the world you live in. For that reason, I truly respected the Shinsengumi way of doing things despite the fact that they supported the Shogunate.
Days passed. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. Each rising sun brought a new problem, a new conflict that had to be quickly handled.
Takasugi's health was clearly deteriorating. Some said that he would not even see the New Year. Takasugi had respected my wish and my unit had left out of some, not very loyal, subject matters. Instead, we were deeply involved with doing some recognisance, offering protection to some politicians supporting the Ishinshishi and, in times of conflicts, conducting offensive attacks. But, never would I have repeated the events that had lead to Murasaki's killing. I could kill a real opponent, but not someone who couldn't fight back. And I would never fight many against one.
However, I was really aware that other units were constantly repeating such scenes. Seeing this displeased me more and more. After all, how could you bring peace to this country if we were creating panic in the population, if we were spilling the blood we were supposed to protect?
Seeing all this, I was less and less eager to fight. I had totally lost the fire within me. I went on giving orders, bossing people around, but there was a clear lack of convictions in my words and actions.
I went on doing what I was supposed to, as one continues doing an old habit. Of course, I was still looking forward to the new era, but I was also almost certain that the new era would bring its amount of pain and suffering, like this one.
Some days, the only thing that kept me going on was the hope of seeing a certain Miburo. I didn't really know what to think of this. I couldn't understand why I felt attraction toward him: he was an enemy.
But anyway, each time I caught a glimpse of a blue haori, I couldn't help foolishly hopping to see Saitou. But, it was never him. Our paths had diverged for a while now, but I knew that one day, when the right time would come, we would meet again…
On November 9th, a ray of sunshine awoke me. For the first time in weeks, I felt a sort of frenzy submerging me. Certainly, this day would hold its share of surprises.
I got up and I got dressed amazingly fast for someone who was barely living from hand to mouth. I went to the window and took the time to look at the city's busy streets. The bright colours, the cheerful passersby, everything seem to have taken a new life. After the dark days that lay behind us, we were all ready for a change…
I sadly stopped my contemplation. Even if I had the feeling that something would happen today, the world would not stop revolving. I was still a unit's leader and I still had to do my job. But first, a nice breakfast would be great…
I opened the shouji and I almost bumped into Himura who was coming back to our room.
"I'm sorry Himura!" I said, cheerfully.
"It's okay…" he answered, puzzled by my new attitude.
"I have the feeling that it's going to be a great day!"
I quickly pass my way, eager to go eat, and I did not hear Himura's answer. Downstairs, people were eating, talking and laughing. It was only the habitual, but to me, this scene was now one of the most agreeable sight I had ever seen.
"Nakane-san! Nakane-san!"
I turned around. The man who was in charge of recruiting was there, calling me. He had always remained proud of the fact that he was the one who had first introduced me, a unit leader, into the Chosu clan. He never missed a chance to be seen by my side, to remind the others that only he held the merit.
"Good morning."
"Good morning, boy! Have a seat! You must be hungry…"
The man was always a bit loud, not too refined and just couldn't stop calling me "boy". But he was also a good-hearted man so, I never minded much having him around. I sat down and started enjoying a nice breakfast.
"So, boy, what are you up to, these days?"
"Right now, we are just patrolling in the area, to make sure that everything is fine… You know, nothing much happened these last few days… Well, not enough things to keep all the units busy."
"Yep, it's been very calm lately. But I'm not complaining, boy. I'm beginning to be a little too old for this kind of business…"
"I think that we are all beginning to be tired… It's not just the age…"
"Maybe… But I hope that nothing important will happen in the next few days, I would enjoy a rest…"
I smiled kindly at the man. I really wished him some days off, but if my intuition was true, we would not have time to rest…
It started around midday. First, we all ignored the strange rumours as they were too unbelievable to be true, but soon, as the rumours began to be more and more precise, we all began to suspect that they might be true.
From his Edo castle, the Shogun would have resigned, without even fighting, and the emperor's reign would be restored, after hundreds of years of absence. [1]
Those rumours were almost unbelievable. But if they were true, it meant… Well, it meant that the whole thing was practically over, that the Ishinshishi had won this fight and that the new era would finally be built.
I suddenly wished that Asaki was here. He had dreamt of this for so long. Without him, it wasn't the same… Of course, I was happy for the new era, but I was not overjoyed. I had seen what the Ishinshishi could do and I knew them too well to believe that the new era would only be a peaceful one.
We were all gathered in the main room of the headquarters. Takasugi was supposed to make an official announcement concerning what really happened at the Edo castle.
I looked at the other headquarters' inhabitants. They were all whispering, speculating about what could have caused the Shogun's resignation… And I couldn't blame them for doing so: I was also looking forward to a better explanation. I wanted to have a full understating of the situation.
As Takasugi entered the room, the noise suddenly stopped. Everyone was avidly waiting for his next words. Was it really true? Was it really the end of the conflict?
"As you may have heard, the Shogun has resigned without even opposing a fight."
At these words, the silent room was suddenly filled with sounds of joy. Everyone was talking at the same time. So, it was true…
"Please… Calm down… Please…"
Takasugi was unsuccessfully trying to get everyone's attention. After a few minutes, he finally was able to talk again.
"Yes, the Shogun has resigned and the Emperor will be restored. From now on, things should be easier for us and this could be the end of the Bakumatsu."
As everyone started talking all at once, Takasugi had to wait, again, before being able to continue his speech.
"This is, for now, all that we know. This sounds like good news, but I would appreciate it if everyone remained vigilant: we never know what could happen next."
Takasugi took a pause to put more emphasis on his last words, but very few people payed attention to them as all that mattered was the Shogun's resignation.
"I would now like to have some words in private with all of the unit leaders. And Himura also…"
Takasugi left the room and I quickly followed him. In the main room, the atmosphere was now festive, but I had the feeling that everything had not been said. There was something more. And I was not the only unit leader who doubted the sincerity of Takasugi's speech.
"So… What are we doing here? Is there something more we should know?" asked one unit leader, once we were all gathered in Takasugi's room.
"Well…" began Takasugi.
"Has the emperor really resigned or was that only bluff?" Asked another unit leader.
"Yes, he has resigned. But…"
"I knew there would be a "but"!" the same man burst out.
Takasugi cast a murderous glance in his direction and slowly started explaining.
"Could you please all calm down. This is a really important subject matter and you should listen with great care to what I'm going to say. Yes, as I confirmed before, the emperor has resigned, but his troops will continue to fight."
"So, this is not the end of the Bakumatsu?" I was surprised to hear the sound of my own voice.
"No, but as I have told you before, I'm certain that we will eventually win this war. First, we are fighting for the right cause. Second, we have some help from the British government. Third, the emperor, who is on our side, is now controlling the country. So, even if the Shogun's troops are still fighting, even if this is not exactly the end of the Bakumatsu, this is the beginning of the end."
"But why didn't you say all of that before, during your speech? Why wait now? Don't you think that everyone in this clan deserve to know the truth?" I asked.
I was now furious with Takasugi. How could he play with peoples feelings like that? I had witnessed him command cruel things, but never before had I witness him deliberately lie to his troops.
"Nakane-san, I respect your talent as a unit leader, but this time, you are clearly wrong. The Shogun's troops expect us to believe that this is the end of the conflict in order to conduct a surprise attack. Presently, the cheerful ambiance in the headquarters prove them right. They probably think, right now, that their tactic is working pretty well. If I had spread the news that it was not the end of the Bakumatsu, our troops would be depressed instead and that would have proved that their tactic is not working. You see, Nakane-san, this is strategy. I let them think that we believe that the Shogun's resignation means that we won the war."
"I'm sorry, Takasugi-san, but I can't agree with you. You are endangering our men's lives by deliberately binding them."
"I'm not endangering their lives. Every good fighter is aware of the fact that you never know what is going to happen next. Plus, I told them to still be careful."
"So, you believe that a simple warning and the hope that they remember that unexpected things might happen will do the trick? Don't you hear the sounds downstairs? They are already drinking and celebrating. They are not on their guards…"
"Yes, I hear the sounds downstairs and I sincerely wish that some Shinsengumi might hear them too. If they conduct an attack while thinking that we are unprepared, we double our chances to win…"
"That is pure nonsense…"
"You can think what you want, Nakane-san, but I am still the leader in this headquarters so, you will do as I wish. Is that clear?"
"Yes, sir." I said, giving up the verbal fight.
"Good. You can all leave now. Please keep an eye on our troops and be ready for anything."
"Another cup of sake for me!" asked one of the men of my unit.
Sadly, I shook my head. We were all gathered in an inn near by and the men were celebrating the Shogun's resignation. If they only knew…
"Nakane-san, are you all right?"
I turned around and faced Himura. He looked concerned.
"Yes, I'm alright. It's just that I doubt Takasugi's decision. I have a bad feeling about all of this."
"I have it too. You see, I don't think that Takasugi is in the right state of mind to make such important decisions. He is becoming weaker and weaker. Tuberculosis is wining over him. Have you seen him cough lately?"
"Yes, he was coughing blood…"
"Coughing blood, as you can imagine, is a really bad sign. He won't live much longer. He should take some rest, that is what doctors told him, but he won't do it. He is too stubborn. Instead, he continues running this headquarters, trying to prove to the whole world that he is still strong enough for this job. But he is not. That is why he is becoming more and more intransigent everyday, always wanting to have the final word and thinking that everyone is against him."
"Are you trying to tell me that we are running directly toward a total disaster because our leader is becoming too mentally unstable to make wise decisions?"
"Yes, that's pretty much what I was trying to say, but in kinder words…"
"Oh good! That is really what we needed. I was already doubting the Chosu clan's actions, but now…"
"I know… That is why we all have to try to become more vigilant. We have to be ready for our enemy's next move but we also have to be ready for Takasugi's next move. He is becoming a threat to our safety."
"You want to know the truth?"
"Do I have the choice?" Asked Himura, smiling faintly.
"I have enough of this. I am tired of having to deal with Takasugi's decisions. I am tired of having to be ashamed of the other unit's actions. I am tired of being looked upon because I refuse that my unit should be involved in some dishonourable subject matters. I am tired of wondering if the new era will be built according to Asaki's wishes or if it is going to be built by some untrustworthy politicians who only want to gain more power. I am tired of trying to figure out if I did the right thing when I joined the Chosu clan…"
I stopped, a little bit ashamed. I had lost my temper. I had acted childishly. I was almost sure that Himura felt the same things I did. But he hadn't lost his temper. He had remained calm and had tried to find solutions to this problem. So unlike me… I really had to try to follow his example and try controlling my emotions. Embarrassed, I tried to explain my attitude.
"I think that I'm just getting very tired and that the little discussion I had with Takasugi, earlier on, really pissed me of."
"Do you still want to fight along with us?"
"I don't know… For the last two months I've been wondering if I have made the right decision. In the beginning, most of the time, I was thinking that yes, I had made the right choice. But moments of doubts have become more and more frequent. Only my sense of duty and Asaki's memory stops me from leaving. It would be a betrayal."
"I see…"
"When I woke up this morning, I thought that something great was going to happen. I thought that this day would, in a way, change my life. If I knew that this day would only bring me more worries…"
We remained silent, for a while. We were watching the men talking, laughing over some cups of sake. They were all getting very drunk, unaware of the threat. If they only knew…
"Hey! Nakane-san! Want to join us for a drink? It's a celebration after all…" asked one of the men of my unit.
"No, thank you. It was really kind to offer it, though."
I couldn't afford a drink. I was the only one aware of the danger. I was in charge of my whole unit safety. I had to be vigilant for them all.
"They won't be able to hold their head high again, those Shinsengumi. Those bastards!"
Our return to the headquarters was a noisy one. I was in the streets, with my whole unit and, if anyone in Kyoto did not knew, by now, that the Ishinshishi thought that the Shinsengumi were bastards, now was the chance to learn it…
I was trying hard to calm them, to tell them that they had to make less noise, but they just all didn't saw why they should obey me.
"Come on, Nakane-san! Relax! The war is over! Haven't you heard Takasugi's speech? This is the best day of our life, so better enjoy it."
"Well of course, I have heard Takasugi's speech but…"
I paused. Of course, Takasugi had not wanted them to know the whole truth, but I had to tell them. It was only for their own good…
"… he also told me that even if the emperor resigned, his troops are still fighting. No, the war isn't over."
For a minute, they all stopped talking and walking to look at me. But soon, I discovered that my words had not the wanted effect.
"Ha! Ha! You practically got me here! I didn't know you had such a sense of humour! Ha! Ha! I've heard Takasugi's speech and I trust him. He wouldn't have lied to us"
Oh good! Laugh now, but we will see who is going to laugh in a few days…
We were not too far from the headquarters when it happened. We had run directly into a Shinsengumi squad patrolling the area. And they did not seem to be friendly…
I had seen this coming from the moment Takasugi had announced that the Shinsengumi was still fighting. I had fear this moment. And now, it was there.
In less then a minute, the street was filled with battle sounds. We were all struggling against our attackers and, the way I saw it, we were disadvantaged. First, they had drunk too much sake. Second, they had not been mentally prepared for this. And third, I had to admit that after the last events, I wasn't too eager to fight. I was more tired than anything else.
Some of my men managed to hurt some of the Shinsengumi and I managed to get rid of two of our opponents. But, some of my men had also been hurt by some Miburos and, I was sure of this, some of my men would soon die. And, as I had suspected, it happened. I saw it, right in front of my eyes. One of my men died…
I heard him scream, I saw him fell on the ground, I saw him breath for the last time. And it wasn't a good sight. I had been in charge of that man for the last two months. He had trusted me, he had respected me. We had almost become friends. But now, it was over.
I was still under the shock of this first death when I witness another one of my men die.
Very perturbed by the latest events, I had difficulties trying to concentrate on my fight. I still managed to scratch some of my adversaries but my strikes were now less precise. However, some of my men managed to get rid of two other opponents. Maybe… Maybe, some of us would get out of this alive…
But, then I heard a third scream. And another one. And another one.
And the fight went on like that. One by one my men died. But, we also, together, ended the life of most of the Shinsengumi. Finally, I was standing alone, in the street, with the last opponent. The last blow would decide which troop would win this. But whoever won, it would have been a costly victory.
I had difficulties standing still. I had been severely injured a few times and I was loosing blood. A lot of blood. I could almost not feel my left leg and my shoulder anymore. But, no matter what, I would not loose. Even if I wasn't sure that I was fighting for the right cause, I had to live. There would be other opportunities in which I would have the chance to achieve a lot of things for this country. Yes, I had to live.
I took, one more time, my battle stance and then, we both started attacking. I felt the blade of my opponent on my skin, but it was okay, I was still standing. I turned around to face the damage I had done on the Miburo…
He was lying on the ground. Dead. I was the last one standing. I had survived the fight. I…
Having lost too much blood, I fainted. Darkness fell upon me.
I did not even realize that two strong arms picked me up and carried me away...
To be continued
General comments
This was the end of the first part of the story. From now on, things are going to change dramatically… And as you probably guess: a lot more of Saitou/Tokio soon to come.
I'd like to remind you that, in everyday life, I speak French so, writing in English is quite a difficult task for me. I'm doing my best here and I'm trying to improve, but all the language subtleties cannot be understood over only one night. Just try to figure out what would happen if you would try to write in another language…
Notes
[1] On November 9th 1867, the Emperor suppressed the Shogun's title and the Shogun accepted, resigning. In fact, it didn't change much things for the Shogun as he lost only the title, but kept his lands and his entire political power. It was only approximately two months later that the Shogun really lost all his powers, from his Edo castle, without even opposing a fight. The Oniwabanshu were guarding the Edo castle and that is why you can sometimes hear Aoshi mentioning that unfortunately the Oniwabanshu did not get the chance to fight during the Bakumatsu.
The rest, the effect these news had on the troops that day, is pure fiction. (-)
To the reviewers
Special thanks to IceRain, Sephira jo, L. Sith, SilverNimbus, aiteane, Haruko, Wolf of Mibu, Deathblade, Muemosyne and Midnight Scribbler, who took the time to review this story. (-)
À la prochaine,
Mary-Ann