Disclaimer: All Stargate SG-1 references and characters belong to the creators and owners of the Stargate franchise. Any and all original characters and plot elements are of the author's creating and should be treated as such.
AN: For starters I don't actually talk like this; in fact I don't usually write like this, I just felt it was a wonderful way to express Jonas' book smarts by adding in way to many strange sayings and practically making lo– censored – enjoying greatly my thesaurus. Another note: this is a very silly and uncharacteristic (of almost everyone) story, and I do like Jonas even though it's written as if I hate him. Also all Daniel and Jack related smut references are jokes. This was much more off-the-wall then I had originally intended (mostly due to cosmic giddiness and coffee). The next will be slightly more serious but still amusing (they are parody stories after all).
Jonas and Pie – AKA Jonas Quinn's Quest for Lovin'
"Oh pie! Pie! Wherefore art thou sweet delectable pie?" Jonas sat in Dr. Jack – cough – his office and was quickly leafing through what he found to be a very interesting book. It was called the complete works of William Shakespeare, he had read on the 'internet' that it was a very important piece of human literature and if he was going to fit in he definitely had to read it. Besides, people on the 'internet' said that the play Romeo and Juliet was the best way to learn to woo a woman, or at least that's what LuvMunkey1337 had said. "Deny thy flaky crust and refuse thy filling, or if thou wilt not, be but tasty my love, and I'll no longer be a thin man." He smiled gaily as he skewered a piece of scrumptious pecan pie on his fork and ate away. A cough from the door to 'his' office interrupted his Zen. "Shmamphma!" He garbled swallowing a yummy mouthful of pie.
"Nice to see your enjoying yourself." Major Samantha Carter replied briskly. "You know, Daniel hated it when people brought food into his office, he wasn't a fan of mice."
Jonas relinquished taking another forkful of succulent pie to respond to Sam's commentary. "Mice?" Yes indeed, that was the best conversation opener of all, yes, Jonas now you win the solid gold cookie tin with that one.
"Yeah, you know, those pesky little rodents, that make nests in your socks and eat your pie crumbs. Actually they're kinda cute…" Sam tilted her head in consideration.
"O, spirit of love, how quick and fresh art thou."
"Excuse me?" Sam looked at Jonas in confusion.
"Twelfth Night, it's Shakespeare."
Sam looked at the rather thick book labelled 'The Complete Works of William Shakespeare' lying on Dan – cough – Jonas' desk. "I see." She looked at Jonas quizzically. "Maybe you should be reading something that's actually important."
Jonas' eyes lit up and glistened with sparkly puppy-dog joy. "Did you have anything in mind?" He thought for a second then amended sadly, "that I haven't read and isn't somewhere in the base's library?"
Sam sighed, "Enjoy your book." She turned and left him alone with his succulent pie.
"When you depart from me sorrow abides, and happiness takes his leave." Jonas smiled through a mouthful of smarmy pie goodness and saluted Sam with a raise of his pie fork.
Jonas had become bored with his book, not that the hard-language had any effect on him, after-all he had gone trough all of Dr. Jackson's notes and books on languages, as well as his very eroti – cough – personal journals. Jonas now had an all-new respect for Jack and the other members of SG-1 as well as quite a number of people in the SGC, but that was another story. Anyway, what he was trying to do now, was find something to do. He stood up from the desk and allowed himself to stride down the halls of the SGC. As usual his random pacing had taken him strait to the cafeteria, not very random he supposed. He smiled noting that they had a new kind of pie today, 'mystery meat pie' the sign said. Jonas purloined a generous piece as he noticed his chum, Teal'c, sitting at a table where he was ravenously consuming some random vegetable that Jonas found to be – what was the word – unappetizing. "Howdy Teal'c!" Jonas leisurely said as he sat across the table from his pal.
Teal'c barely looked up from his zucchini salad, "Howdy? That is not a term I am familiar with Jonas Quinn."
Jonas was astounded. "Really? I'd have thought you'd have picked up a lot of human lingo in all your time here."
"Lingo?" Now Jonas had Teal'c's attention and a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, basically howdy is a greeting, I could have sworn I've heard Colonel O'Neill use it before."
"He has not."
"And lingo is just another word for jargon."
"What is a jargon?"
"Argot?"
Teal'c shook his head.
"Slang?"
Teal'c shrugged.
"Colloquial speech?"
Teal'c sighed and turned back to his vegetables.
"Are you some kind of thesaurus now Jonas?"
Jonas glanced up to see Jack glaring down at him. "Not that I know of. But I did read that book, it was very," he searched for the right word, "remarkable."
Jack was flabbergasted. "Remarkable is really not the right word in that context." Again Jack was gob-smacked. "Did I just say context? I've been around you to much Jonas." And with that he left with no further explanation for his sudden appearance.
Jonas blinked. "That was weird… Teal'c did you notice-" But Teal'c had also disappeared, possibly because no one liked Jonas, except for all the fan-girls. Jonas smiled thinking of his heaping crate of fan mail. One such letter was written by a Dr. DJ, though Jonas had no idea who that could possibly be. Though he had his suspicions about the hate mail sent by a Colonel Jo.
Jonas woke with a start. His face was covered in pie. He realized he had fallen asleep and that the previous scene had all been a horrible dream. Except for the part about Dr. Jackson's personal journals, it was horrible, yes, but alas not a dream.
With that Jonas stood from the late Dr. Jackson's desk and marched off in pursuit of love, or just an absolute babe.
What Jonas didn't know was that the journals were actually written by Jack while in a drunken rage and role-playing as Daniel some years ago when SG-1 had expressed an interest in Dungeons & Dragons (although Jack was convinced that they should make a contemporary version of the game called – CENSORED – & – ALSO CENSORED – this is only PG rated after all, that would have brought it up to at least A – if not R).
Sam looked outlandishly suspicious with her arms behind her back, obviously hiding something, however, Jonas decided not to take heed of the advanced warning showing blatantly her rather loathsome intent. Sam smiled sweetly. "Jonas, I have a surprise for you."
"Ooo!" He jumped with astonished pleasure. He cherished surprises. "Is it a delightful surprise?"
"Very delightful." Her smile broadened. "You'll love it." The audience backed away in terror at the sound of the tone in her voice; Jonas, still oblivious, hopped in place with giddiness.
AN: The following scene has nothing to do with the story, is simply here to be random and, most importantly, to elevate dramatic tension. Enjoy!
As Jonas hopped in the infirmary he harkened back to his days when he was very new to the SGC and was attending a very interesting hop, or dance as most humans prefer.
Jonas was at the annual SGC: 'Jig-a-ma-thon' – official hoedowns were so boring, so this one was spiced up with zesty jiggy goodness. This year they had invited the Tok-ra and rebel Jaffa to get jiggy with it together – thus, hopefully, improving their relationships with each other, because we know how every time the Jaffa and Tok-ra get together something-.Yes, that's right, something had happened, something… ghastly – gasp! Jonas finally noticed something was wrong when he was the only one bopping the dance floor. Jonas froze in place as he noticed everyone's eyes on him. His hands were in fists next to his face and his hips were thrust to the other side, it was very excruciating for his spine so he straitened up. "What? Hasn't anyone else ever danced the sexy dance?" The entire crowd, in unison, took an additional step backward.
Thinking back Jonas realized that the only thing truly ghastly about that 'Jig-a-ma-thon' was his atrocious dancing.
AN: and now... where were we, oh yes! Sam was planning something incredibly dreadful... MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!Sam conspiratorially backed towards a curtained bed and motioned Jonas to follow her as she slipped behind the curtain.
Jonas, still completely oblivious to any danger whatsoever, followed her behind the curtain and was greeted with a very sticky and yummy meringue. When the pie plate fell from his head he amusedly looked at Sam's ecstatic maniacal laughter. He smiled and licked pie from his face for the second time today. "Sam! How ever did you know that lemon meringue was my favourite type of pie?" Sam blinked and looked up at Jonas, the humour seemed to be gone from her. "What?" She didn't wait for an answer to her rhetorical question. "But you're supposed to be humiliated!"
Jonas said nothing as he busied himself by eating pie off his face. "Mmm pie…" Sam ran away screaming as Jonas lost himself in his own little world of pie.
THE END