Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.
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Chapter 7 – Recovery
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If I ever thought that living in the Shinsengumi's headquarters would allow me to see Saitou a bit more often, I was wrong. For the next few days, he didn't come to see me once. I was beginning to feel lonely.
As I still couldn't walk without assistance, I was stuck in this room. The only person who visited me was the maid, but she only came because it was her job to take care of me.
And she did a good job. Except for my right shoulder, which remained a real problem, I was beginning to see some improvement. The occasional trips to the bathhouse weren't as exhausting as they were before. My muscles had stopped aching all the time. I was able to eat almost full meals and I needed less sleep.
But sometimes, I wished that I would sleep as much as I did before. I was feeling so lonely that days now seemed to contain more than twenty-four hours.
No, this situation did not suit me. I had always been an active person. During my childhood, everyday, I had been outdoors until dawn. Older, I had started training and I used to spend most of my spare time in dojos. And lately, I had joined the Ishinshishi. Except for the two years during which my parents had tried to mould me into a more conventional daughter, my life had always been a constant turmoil.
I was looking forward to the day when I would be able to go out of this headquarters. Or even out of this room. Of course, I was sometimes going to the bathhouse. But those trips weren't really what I could call exciting. It was only a few steps away and, on my way there, I never met anyone. The maid always made sure that we wouldn't meet anyone.
***
Another day, and I still had nothing to do except lying here on my futon. Five days. Five long days had passed since I last spoke with Saitou. I simply couldn't stand the loneliness. The maid's visits were not even distracting anymore. Each time, she did about the same routine and talked about the same things over and over again. To her, nothing seemed to exist outside of her daily tasks.
If I had been a maid in this headquarters, I would have found so many things to do. I would not have only focus on planning the next meal, or on which room I would clean next. No, you could learn a lot of things only by observing the interactions of a headquarters' inhabitants. Outsiders are only aware of the main historical facts, but history writes itself in little details.
I sometime tried to question the maid about what was going on around here. I wanted to understand how things were handled. I wanted to know how different this place was from my own headquarters. But the maid seemed unable to understand the exact meaning of my questions and was unable to provide convincing answers. She hadn't paid much attention to who really ruled this place and how decisions were made.
I was still thinking about the maid when someone knocked. No doubt, that was for me, but I had really no idea of who it might be. The maid never announced herself before coming in and I had practically lost the hope of Saitou's visit.
"Come in." I said.
There had been hesitation in my voice. After all, it could be anyone. Anyone who could recognise me as one of the Ishinshishi. I looked with a bit of apprehension at the shouji while it was slowly being pushed aside and I lost my last hopes of seeing Saitou as Okita's face appeared in the embrasure.
I recognised him instantly even if I had only see him once, in the streets on my very first day in Kyoto. He had such a boyish look and attitude that it was hard to forget him. In fact, I have to admit that his look was probably not far away from my own when I was dressed like a man.
I was a bit relieved to see Okita. After all, Saitou had said that he knew about my true identity. There was probably nothing to fear then.
"It's only you…"
"Only me! First time a former enemy sees me and declares It's only you…!" answered Okita with the most boyish grin I had ever see.
"That's not what I had meant…"
"I know, I know. I understand perfectly what you had meant."
I laughed and smiled. He seemed to be really nice.
"What brings you here, Okita-san?"
"Saitou-san finally admitted that you were feeling better so, I just dropped by to get some more recent news."
"I'm feeling better everyday and if I could leave this room, it would be just perfect. You see, I'm getting a little bored. It's quite lonely around here…"
"That's what I thought… I brought you some books. They're coming from my personal collection. I hope that you enjoy reading."
I looked at the books in his hands with great delight. I had already noticed them, but I hadn't thought that they were destined to me. It was probably the best gift someone had ever given me. And it wasn't even a real gift: Okita was only lending me his books.
"Yes, I like reading very much. On rainy days, back in Aizu, I used to read a lot. I didn't enjoyed being indoors, but the books helped me forget where I was and allowed my mind to travel freely."
I took the small pile of books he handed me. I looked carefully at each one like if they were made of gold. Four books. It was not much, but if I proceeded slowly, it would keep me busy for a few days.
"It must be hard for you to see your life change completely in such a short lapse of time…" slowly said Okita.
I put the books down and looked at him before answering.
"Yes it's hard. But I needed a change. I was really unhappy in the Chosu clan."
"Why?"
Apparently, Okita had not expected to hear such a comment. Before answering his question, I thought about what I could reveal or not.
"Let see… I joined the Chosu clan because I want to build a new era, an era of peace where social injustices wouldn't exist anymore. But I don't think that Japan needs a change at any cost. Especially if that cost is the life of innocent people. And the Chosu clan killed a lot of innocent people in this war. That is why, I feel a bit releived to be offered the chance to escape."
"I thought that you would have more difficulties accepting the fact that you are now under the protection of those who once were your worst enemies…"
"No, believe me, I have. I enjoy being away from the Chosu clan, but I don't really enjoy being here. I feel like if I was betraying my clan, a thing I wouldn't dare do. That is why I intend to leave as soon as I'll feel strong enough to travel all the way back to Aizu."
"That wish you expressed prove that you are a trustworthy person. It's a rare quality. But you know, going out of this headquarter and returning to Aizu might be a more difficult task than you think."
Okita paused. I waited for him to continue.
"The Ishinshishi are actively searching for you. Of course, they are searching for a man named Takeru Nakane. But you have to remember that these people have been leaving with you for quite a while. So, as soon as they see your face, your cover will be instantly blown... And, from what I've heard, they really don't intend to be nice with you..."
"Yes, I'm aware of that. Saitou already warned me. But I can't stay hidden here all my life. Besides, this situation is totally absurd. The Ishinshishi shouldn't consider me as their enemy. I still share the same goals, but I just don't want to use the same means. This is all Takasugi's fault. The man really hates me since we argued..."
At Takasugi's mention, Okita finally stopped smiling. All along the conversation, he had remained cheerful, no matter what was being said. But now, his smile was gone.
"What's the matter…?"
"Tokio… I can call you Tokio right?"
"Yes."
"Tokio, you shouldn't keep so much animosity toward Takasugi, no matter what he did. You see, he… he... Do you remember how much it rained two nights ago?"
"Yes."
"Well, apparently, he went out on a mission that night. And his health condition got worst. Much more worst. He's not living among the Chosu clan's members now. He is in a medical clinic and he probably never will get out of there. He will die of tuberculosis soon."
I stayed quiet, under the shock. Yes, I hadn't like Takasugi for a lot of reasons, but still, this announcement touched me very much. It was unfair. He had live for a sole reason: the destruction of this regime and now, he wouldn't even live to see it.
I blankly stared at Okita for a while. Slowly coming back to my senses, I realised that Okita was still not smiling. He had this serious and sad look on.
"You are not telling me everything..."
Okita waited before answering. I had the sensation that he only half-wished telling me the whole truth. Finally, he sorrowfully said.
"Yes, there is. You might think that I'm crazy to express sorrows about an enemy's disease. But, you see, what happened to Takasugi will probably also happen to me. Soon."
I took me a while to fully understand the meaning of Okita's words. But suddenly, I remembered that Okita had cough a bit during our conversation. If I had been a little more attentive and a little less centred on myself, I would have recognised the symptoms of tuberculosis immediately.
"Soushi… I can call you Soushi right?"
"Yes." Soushi smiled faintly, remembering that he had told me the exact same words not too long ago.
"I'm really sorry. Even if you were once my enemy, I think that you are a nice person and that you don't deserve this."
He looked at me with surprise. He hadn't expected my understanding. He probably had expected me to be distant and that is what I had wished to be. After all, not too long ago, we were fighting on different sides. But he had been so kind to me and so much suffering was hidden behind his smile that I now wished to offer him my friendship. That was the least I could do.
After a while, Soushi got up and looked by the window. I couldn't see his face anymore so I had no idea of what he might be thinking of. When he turned around, the boyish grin was back and he simply said.
"I'll come back to see you soon, Tokio-san."
"I'll look forward to it."
***
Indeed, Soushi came back to visit me. Every day, about at the same hour, he knocked at my shouji. He never stayed long as he was a busy man, but our discussions were always pleasant. Each time he left, I felt sorrier for him. He really didn't deserve to die.
Yes, he had killed, but never without a good reason. He had a goal: to protect the city and its citizen. And he had followed the Shinsengumi's strict code of honour. During our conversations, Soushi explained it to me. I was quite impressed by what I learned. This was exactly what I thought the Chosu clan needed. At least, it was near my own personal code.
When Soushi came to visit me, he always had his cheerful mask on. He never showed me again his true emotions. I had the conviction that I was almost the only one who knew that behind his boyish grin, he was hiding his fear of dying.
I was in my room, reading the second book, when someone knocked. I put the book down and smiled happily as I thought that it was Souhi coming an hour earlier.
"You can come in!"
It wasn't Soushi. It was the maid and a small old man carrying a large pile of clothing. A seller man. I looked with envy at the bright colours I could see in his arms and wished that I could buy something. After all, I only had the few sleeping yukatas the maid had lent me. And it had been so long since I last wore a kimono...
"Here is your young client, mister." announced the maid.
The man nodded, took a few steps forward and delicately put on the floor some of the nicest kimonos I had ever seen.
"I can't pay for this…"
"Your uncle sent us money to cover all of your expenses while you stay here. You can afford new clothes. Besides, you absolutely need them. Take this offer without further complaints." replied the maid.
As I was already tempted, I didn't need more encouragement to proceed. In fact, I even managed to convince myself that this was purely a tactical move. If I wore kimonos, there were fewer chances that someone would recognise me as an Ishinshishi.
I looked carefully at each kimono the old man showed me. They were all made of a rich fabric, but some were of an outstanding quality. As these were probably very expensive and as I didn't want to spend too much money and feel indebted to my uncle, I dismissed them and chose three more simple kimonos with their assorted obis. Still they were nicely coloured and they looked nicer than most clothes did.
"That's a nice choice, miss. May I also offer you this one as a gift, from me."
The man showed me the kimono he was referring to. Saying it was lovely would be a lie: it was simply gorgeous. I had looked at it with envy when the man had first shown it to me, before wisely dismissing it along with the other expensive clothes.
"I can't accept this… It's too much..."
"It's my pleasure to offer it, miss. Take it or I'll be very deceived."
Unsure about what I should do, I looked at the maid who was standing behind the man. She was gesturing, trying to tell me that I shouldn't refuse such a gift. Besides, it was such a nice kimono…
"I… I'll take it."
I smiled happily like a little girl while the old man folded the kimono and put it aside with my other purchases. I couldn't take my eyes off it while the man left with the maid. I now realised that, during the last two months, I had missed wearing feminine clothes. That was probably the last thing I had expected. The maid soon came back.
"I want to get dress. Help me try this one." I said, showing one of the three kimonos I had first chose.
"Sure."
She helped me get up and I managed to stand still while she helped me get dressed. It didn't take long before my eyes wondered again on the unexpected gift.
"Why did he give me such a present? This thing probably cost a fortune…"
"Yes, it probably does. But you had to accept it. You see, a lot of merchants, like this man, give from time o time gifts to the Shinsengumi. That's their way of making sure that the Shinsengumi will protect their families and their belongings. For that man, giving you a kimono is a sort of investment."
"Oh! I see…"
"That's how we get free pickles, free rice, free fish, free firewood, free futons, a free roof last year and so on... I can't remember the whole list."
I took a few moments to think about what I had just learned. So many peoples counted on the Shinsengumi. So many people thought that they were the good guys and that we were the bad guys...
"There you go" said the maid, while she finished tying my obi. "You look simply fabulous. I'll just arrange your hair and it will be perfect."
I could see my refection in the window. I smiled happily. It was strange to see how clothes could change a person. Each time I wore a kimono, I always got compliments from everyone and men were even looking at me with admiration. But each time I dressed as a man, I kind of went unnoticed. I had went unnoticed for such a while now that the change would be more than welcome.
The maid was almost finished with my hair when someone else knocked. She put the last pin in place and went to welcome the newcomer. It was Soushi.
"Tokio, you look simply astonishing!" Said Soushi as the maid left the room.
"Thank you!"
I smiled happily, savouring my first compliment in months. Seeing that I had great difficulties standing still, Soushi rushed over to help me.
"Soushi, could I ask you a favour."
"Yes, sure."
"I have seen enough of these walls. I have been stuck here, in this room, for eight days. And that is without taking into account the ten days I spent unconscious. Please, help me go downstairs."
"I don't know if…"
He stopped talking, seeing my pleading look, and forgot about any objections he had in mind.
And we were on our way. I was still really weak and it was a bit like if I had forgot how to walk. I had to think before taking each step so it took us quite a while to reach the first floor. But, once there, I was really glad I had achieved this.
On our way, we met some Shinsengumi members and exchange a few words with each of them. They all seemed happy to see me as, for more than two weeks now, they had all been wondering what Tokio Takagi might look like.
As soon as we entered the main room, I spotted Saitou. He was there, reading a report. Unconsciously, I think that I had hoped to meet him. It would be the first time in days that we would exchange a few words.
I would have spoke with him immediately, but Soushi headed toward a different direction: he had to talk with other Shinsengumi members. Which one? I don't really remember. I wasn't paying attention anymore. I was only focused on Saitou's presence. I was waiting for the moment where he would finally see me.
But he only kept reading his report. I knew he was doing this on purpose. He simply couldn't have noticed our presence: Soushi was loud enough.
"Saitou-san! Come here. You see! Tokio-san finally came out of her room!" said Soushi, once finished with his discussion.
I almost stop breathing as Saitou raised his head from his work. I had expected him to be at least a bit happy to see that I was feeling better. But he only looked disdainfully at us before leaving the room.
I was still a bit shocked by this strange reaction when Soushi gently told me.
"You shouldn't worry about Saitou-san's attitude. He acts like that with everyone…"
Soushi then tried to make me forget what had happened by introducing me to other people, but it was in vain. Saitou's reaction had perturbed me very much. Even if I tried to reason myself, by remembering Soushi's words, it didn't work. Yes, maybe Saitou acted like that with everyone, but that was the main problem: I didn't want to just be anyone.
"Soushi. I'm feeling tired. I think that this is enough for today. I'll try again tomorrow…"
And we went back to my room. The whole trip hadn't taken more than a half-hour, but now, I was totally exhausted. Physically and emotionally.
***
During the next few days, I did daily excursions outside my room with Soushi. At first, I would get tired fast, but gradually, my strengths were finally coming back.
I really enjoyed these trips downstairs. None of the Shinsengumi members I met suspected my true identity. They were all very friendly with me and I truly appreciated it. But I felt guilty about having to lie to them about my past. It was ironic to see that when I had been known as Takeru Nakane, I had done everything in my power in order to hide my true name: Tokio Takagi. And now that I was known, once again, as Tokio Takagi, I was doing everything in my power in order to hide my other identity: Takeru Nakane…
I didn't meet Saitou again on these excursions. I think that he was deliberately avoiding me. Why? That remained a mystery…
***
A week after I had first came out of my room, I was finally able to walk by myself. Not for too long, but it was better than nothing. And, I knew that soon, everything would be back to normal.
The only thing that still bothered me was my right shoulder. Even with all the efforts I made, I couldn't move my arm freely without suffering from great pain. I would have to wait a little bit more before being able to do everything I used to.
All in all, I had been in this headquarters for twenty-five days. December was here, and I somehow felt that I had already stayed too long in this place. I should leave soon. But still, I wasn't strong enough to travel hundred of miles. Maybe in a week…
I had to plan a lot of things before even thinking of going back to Aizu. Traveling was difficult these days. As there were a lot of checkpoints on the road, a woman like me couldn't travel freely in the country. Of course, I could have asked my uncle to send me the right papers, but I didn't want to feel too much indebted to him. He was already covering all of my current expenses… Also, it would take a lot of time before I received the papers. Way too much time for someone who had expressed the wish to leave this place as soon as possible.
I would have to travel through the forest and try to skip all the checkpoints. But that was a very dangerous thing to do. You could get caught and be in deep trouble. And you never knew whom you could meet….
Even if I didn't really want to fight anymore, I probably wouldn't have the choice during that trip. That would also delay my departure. I was barely able to walk, how then would I be able to defend my life on the road?
Maybe that thinking of leaving in a week was way too optimistic… Maybe in two weeks. Or three. I would then have enough time to train. If I could just find out where my sword was, I would certainly go back to training. But I hadn't seen it since I had got here.
"Good afternoon, Tokio-san! Today, I thought that we might…"
"Soushi, where is my sword?"
"Your sword…?" replied Soushi, surprised by my sudden question.
"Yes, my sword. I was fighting just before I collapsed in the street. So, I'm pretty sure that I had my sword with me. Where is it now?"
"Oh! That sword… I think that Saitou-san has it…"
"Why?"
"To tell the truth I don't think that Saitou-san really trusts you. Well, he doesn't trust you enough to leave a sword in your room."
"Does he really think that I'm going to attack the people who saved my life? "
"Well… Yes…"
"That's why he's been avoiding me?"
"Huh… That might be a part of the explanation, but…"
"Soushi, where is Saitou?"
"In his room, but…"
"And where is his room?"
"Third door on the left after the stairs, but if I were you I wouldn't…"
I never heard the rest of Soushi's sentence. I was already gone. But, with every step I took, I was less and less angry and I realised what Saitou's attitude meant.
You're not supposed to bind with the enemy. And it was normal that I was still considered as a potential enemy. I had been foolish to think that Saitou would ever come to consider me otherwise. Yes, I had been very foolish.
When I reached Saitou's room, my mood had totally changed. I had intended to rush in his room and tell him that I fully realised what he had risked in order to bring me here. That he had no right to think that I might betray his trust. That I had more honour than that. And that, some people, like Soushi, could see it…
But now, I was standing in front of his shouji, unsure of what I should do. I knew that Saitou had the right not to trust me. I was overreacting. Once again.
I was still blankly staring at the shouji. From the corner of my eye, I could see Soushi waving at me. He was trying to tell me that I should come back in my own room. I was going to listen to his silent advice when I realized that it was already too late to retreat. The shouji had been violently pushed aside and Saitou was standing right in front of me.
"You wanted to tell me something, Takagi?"
"No… well… yes. It's just that…. Okita-san told me that you have my sword. I was wondering if I could have it back."
"No."
"Oh…"
"Did you really expect another answer?"
"Well… no. But… you see that sword was very important to me. It was a gift from my brother. He gave it to me two years ago, just before he left for Kyoto. And now that he's dead, that's the only thing I've got to remember him."
Saitou stared at me for quite a while, with a clear superior smirk on his lips. He had the advantage and he liked it. I was totally at Saitou's mercy and I didn't enjoy it.
Finally, he said.
"I'll give you your sword when you'll leave this place."
"Then… I'll come back in two or three weeks as I planned to leave for Aizu as soon as I'll be able to travel."
Saitou looked liked he couldn't care less about what I might or might not do. I waited for a reply, but that reply never came.
He closed the shouji as abruptly as he had opened it and left me there in the corridor. I was a bit stunned by what I had told him. There is a difference between thinking of leaving and officially announcing it to someone. A step I had not totally been prepared to take. There was definitely unfinished business between Saitou and me.
I was realising it now, my feelings toward him had evolved during the last few days. At first, I had only felt fascinated by this man and somewhat attracted. But now… I had to admit it: I was beginning to feel something much deeper and stronger. It was a feeling which had started to emerge after I had been "rescued" by him in the streets.
Was it love? Maybe… I had never really loved anyone before so it was hard to tell. But whatever this was, it really hurt. It hurt because I knew that there were very few chances that Saitou would ever allow himself to share the same feelings. He still saw me as an enemy…
But he was the one who had encouraged me to develop this feeling. First, he had showed me that he had desire for me, once, that night in my headquarters. Second, he had risk a lot by bringing me back here.
But even if he felt something for me, it was really foolish to believe that this man would do something about it. He seemed to be above such things.
Sadly, I finally turned away and slowly went back to my own room. In a few days I would have to leave this place. Somehow, maybe announcing my intentions to Saitou had been a good thing. I had no other choice than to leave now. And if he surprisingly wanted our relation to evolve into something more, he was now aware of the fact that he would have to make a move. Or not.
To be continued
Note
For those who wouldn't know it Okita was the captain of the Shinsengumi's first troop. He was a really skilled fighter. He died of tuberculosis, in a hospital, in 1868.
To the reviewers
Special thanks to Wolf of Mibu, Kamorgana, Muemosyne, Mibu no Ookami, Alice, L. Sith, SilverNimbus, Spongebob, IceRain, Keito-chan, Leila Winters, Midnight Scribbler, Deathblade, Dragona and Aiteane, who took the time to review this story.
À la prochaine,
Mary-Ann