Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.
As you probably noticed, things are slowly escalating between Tokio and Saitou. And, if you keep reading, your patience will finally be rewarded in a few more chapters…
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Chapter 8 – Hopes and deceptions
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When I returned to my room, Soushi was still there. He had been waiting for me and looked even a bit worried.
"What did you told him?"
"That I wanted my sword back."
"And what did he replied?"
"That he'll give it back to me, when I'll leave this place."
"Oh! And then…?"
"Nothing."
Yes nothing. That's exactly what had happened. Nothing. And now, I was feeling so empty. I had realised that I loved a man who would probably never return my feelings. A man who couldn't return my feelings. And I would have to go on and forget about all of this. The sooner, the better.
But could I really do it? How could I forget someone like that? Three months had passed since I first met Saitou. Gradually, I had become obsessed and now I even loved him. No, I wouldn't be able to forget that man so easily…
"Soushi…"
"Yes, Tokio-san?"
"May I ask you a question?"
"Anything…"
"Everyday, you come here to see me. You talk with me, you learn some things about my life and I learn some things about yours. And I really enjoy those moments with you."
I paused. I didn't know if I should really talk about this with Soushi. It was a very touchy subject...
"My question is: during the time you spent with me, or even away from me, did you ever considered me as a potential enemy? Someone who could betray your trust? Someone who might eventually fight with the Ishinshishi, once again? Someone who might be living a lie right in front of you?"
Soushi waited a bit before answering. Even if I hadn't clearly expressed everything I had in mind, I think that he knew exactly what I had meant. He knew that I had been hurt by Saitou's reaction and that I wanted to know if he had ever considered me the same way.
"I'm going to be totally honest with you, Tokio-san. At first, I had been reluctant to come and see you in your room. I thought about it for two days before actually doing it. I feared, like Saitou-san, that you might turn against us as soon as you would feel better. In fact, back then, I really didn't thought that bringing you here was a wise decision … But what is done is done…"
I tensed at these words, even if they were spoken on the gentlest tone I had ever heard.
"But, as soon as I talked to you, all my worst fears disappeared. You are a nice person, Tokio-san, and you are even more than that. You are an honourable fighter. You are made from the same wood as Saitou-san and me. When you speak, I know for sure that you are telling the truth. And I know that your personal believes would never allow you to turn your back against those who saved your life. No matter if we were once fighting on different sides."
I smiled shyly before answering.
"Thank you Soushi. But… apparently, not everyone thinks the same thing…"
The words had come out of my mouth before I could stop them. And I had spoken with pain and regret. Of course, Soushi knew that Saitou's attitude had hurt my feelings, but was it wise to show him how much?
Soushi blankly stared at me for a while, but gradually, an expression of deep understanding appeared in his eyes.
"You know, Saitou-san has never really been an open person. He doesn't totally trust anyone. Not even me, his best friend. That's just how he is. It has nothing to do with you."
"Thanks Soushi." I said, shyly.
I had the feeling that Soushi wanted to tell me something more. But, at the last moment, he had apparently changed his mind. He only kindly smiled and, before leaving the room, he said.
"Everything will be alright, Tokio-san. I trust you and everyone here really enjoy your presence. And I'm sure that even if he won't show it, Saitou-san does too."
***
Five days later, I was still thinking about what Soushi had told me. I was trying to figure out if Saitou really appreciated my presence or not. I had met him twice in the corridors, but his attitude had practically destroyed my hopes. He had built a wall of silence around him and nothing I did seemed to be able to reach him.
But somehow, I was still hoping. I knew that it was a very foolish thing to do, but I simply couldn't help it. Every time Saitou was involved, I just behaved like a brainless teenage girl.
Of course, during those five days, I had not only thought about Saitou. I had started training. At first, I did it alone, without any weapons, in my room, when no one was around. But I soon realized that it wasn't enough. I needed help. Knowing that Soushi was the sole person who could help me, I asked for his assistance. He hesitated a lot before finally accepting, today. Even convincing him to lend me some old training clothes had been a challenge.
In fact, Soushi had only good reasons to hesitate. He was afraid that the other Miburos might find it weird if they saw a woman train. They might even start suspecting something. But I finally had the last word when I told him that, at first, we could only do simple exercises without any weapons and that, if someone ever wondered why I was training, we could always say that Soushi was helping me with my right shoulder.
Yes, after all this time, my right shoulder was still very painful. Of course, it wasn't as bad as it used to be, but it limited me during my training. I was beginning to seriously doubt the fact that I would be one day able to fight like I used to.
We were now in the training hall and I was ready for my first lesson. Soushi was waiting for the right moment as he wanted to be sure that no one was around. He didn't want anyone to witness anything which might be suspect.
After what seemed to be an eternity, Soushi finally broke the silence.
"Tokio-san, try to attack me, using only your bare hands."
I nodded and wondered how I might be able, in my condition, to break Soushi's defence. It seemed to be an almost impossible challenge. But at least, I had to try. If I wanted to be strong enough to travel and to defend my life on the road, I had to try.
I searched for any weak point Soushi might have. I saw none. I would have to try to catch him off guards, somehow. I took a deep breath and went for it.
Of course, Soushi blocked my first move and all my following moves. I was really slow, but even if I had been feeling better, I would have loose. Soushi was deliberately lowering his level. He could have done much better, but as he didn't want to hurt me, he was only merely blocking and not even attacking.
I felt totally powerless in front of him. There was nothing I could do to break his defence. In fact, I had to admit that it was partially my fault. I wasn't completely focused on the fight. Getting back in shape only made me think of the trip to come.
Sensing that I wasn't focused, Soushi finally attacked me in order to bring me back to reality. In only one blow, his fist touched my weak shoulder. Not very hard: he had stopped just in time. In a real fight, for sure, I would now be suffering from great pain.
"Concentrate, Tokio. You can't win if you can't concentrate. Try again."
For the next few moves, I followed his advice and stopped thinking about all the things I had to do before going back to Aizu. But soon, the forbidden thoughts were back.
I had left some things dear to my heart at the Ishinshishi's headquarters. Things my parents had given to me in some cherished moments. I had to get these things back before I left. I simply couldn't leave them behind…
I suddenly came back to reality when I noticed, at the last moment, that Soushi was going to hit me a second time. I had no time to think so I did the first thing that came to my mind: I moved right. Bad choice.
If I hadn't move, Soushi's punch would have barely touch me. If I had moved left, I would have avoided it. If I had moved backward I would have avoid it. But, by moving right, I did the only thing I shouldn't have. Soushi's punch directly hit my already painful right shoulder.
Under the shock and loosing my balance, I rapidly grabbed Soushi's collar. But that was totally useless. We both fell violently on the ground.
We were both lying on the floor, stunned. And suddenly, I burst out laughing.
"What?"
"Well…"
As I was laughing too much, the words didn't come out of my mouth.
"What?" repeated Soushi.
"I finally broke your defence!"
Soushi's laugh rapidly joined mine. A true laugh. Not the fake one he was habitually using. It was so good to hear it. And while I was laughing, I was beginning to feel better. I should have tried this sooner.
I didn't noticed Saitou coming into the room. I didn't notice that Saitou was standing only a feet away from our heads. I was still laughing, but Soushi was now silent. Wondering what was wrong, I opened my eyes and saw Saitou's face, right above me. He looked deadly serious and not too pleased. Soushi got up to his feet and I quickly did the same thing.
"Yes, Saitou-san?" wondered Soushi.
"Could I have a word with you, Okita. Now."
"Sure. What is it?"
"Alone." added Saitou, looking sideways at me.
I didn't wait to be told twice. I left the room without further delay. I had just spent a great time with Soushi and I didn't want Saitou to ruin it. I didn't want to hear his nasty comments. Not now.
***
There was a lot of action that day in the Shinsengumi's headquarters. Something important was probably happening. It was almost dark outside and practically everyone was out, patrolling in the streets. Of course, no one told me what was exactly going on, but I had managed to catch some glimpses of conversations here and there. Words reached my ears more often than others: Ishinshishi and southern district.
If, as I supposed, all the Ishinshishi and Shinsengumi were fighting in the southern district, I could then walk almost freely to the Ishinshishi's headquarters and pick up the few things I had left in the room I once shared with Himura. No one would ever notice what I was doing: they were way too busy for that.
I went downstairs and I waited in the main room for a while, trying to look as innocent as I could. But as soon as I was absolutely certain of the fact that no one was around, I walked through the main door and quickly headed toward the Ishinshishi's headquarters.
I was wearing a kimono. Maybe it wasn't particularly wise to walk in the streets, at night, dressed as a woman, but I still preferred that to taking the risk of being identified as Takeru Nakane by an Ishinshishi member.
I walked as fast as I could in the deserted streets, which wasn't really fast due to my still weak body. It would take me a little more than a half-hour to reach the headquarters if everything went well.
I couldn't stop being worried. Every five steps, I would take a furtive glance over my shoulder to check if no one had follow me. Of course, if anyone had really followed me, this would have seemed more than suspect, but I simply couldn't help it. I had never been this nervous before. Without a sword to protect me, without the right clothes, without any strength left and with everyone turned against me, I couldn't help feeling vulnerable.
I would have to get use to this kind of situation. I couldn't change the past. I couldn't change the choices I had made in my life. I had to learn to be strong again. Like before.
I finally reached the Ishinshishi's headquarters without any incident. I stayed outside for a while and simply observed the building. Remembering the past, I felt a bit of repulsion toward the place and only the look of it made me want to go back as soon as I could to the Shinsengumi's headquarters.
I tried to reason myself: there was probably no one around, it was just an empty building. Nothing else. I had to stop thinking like a child. I finally walked directly toward the main door. I opened it and l listened. Not a single sound reached my ears.
I didn't wait any longer and entered in the building. I walked as carefully as I could, as I didn't want to make too much noise. I finally reached the stairs and slowly climbed one step at a time. I had almost reached the second floor when voices caught my attention. I stopped breathing and leaned against the wall. I suddenly wished I could disappear.
As the voices faded out, I started breathing again. I changed strategy. This was simply too long. Instead, I practically ran toward what was once my room. I opened the shouji without further delay, went in the room, closed the shouji and tried to catch my breath. This was way too much for my health condition.
The room was very dark and, as my eyes were beginning to get used to it, I noticed a living form looking by the window. I was not alone.
"Himura-san? Is that you?"
I already knew the answer, but I still asked it. It was the only thing to do.
Himura slowly turned around. I couldn't see him much, but I had the feeling that he wasn't too pleased to see me. He probably had some doubts about my true allegiance. He already knew that I had lied to the Ishinshishi once, to hide my true identity…
"Yes." he answered briefly. Then he added, "It's December 9th today. It's been exactly a month... What brings you here now?"
"I... I just came to pick up a few things."
"Do as you wish."
In the obscurity, I tried to find everything. First, I found the two books my father had gave me for my birthday, a few weeks before his death. They had been his favourites when he had been younger. Giving them to me had been a symbolic gesture for him. Then, I found my mother's dagger. It was a complex and delicate artwork but it was also a very good dagger. When Asaki had left the house to join the Ishinshishi, my parents had tried to stop me from following his example by forbidding me to train or fight. Realising that I didn't wanted to be a woman unable to protect herself, my mother had given me this dagger, in a rare attempt of generosity and compassion. On that occasion she had told me that, even if it was improper to carry a sword around, a dagger was acceptable.
I hide everything in my obi. I looked in Himura's direction and noticed that he was again looking by the window, trying to act like if I wasn't in the room.
"Himura... I didn't betray the Ishinshishi. I really fought in the streets that night. With all my heart. But I was badly wounded. I would have died if some good people had not nursed me."
"I noticed that you're walking with a limp." he said, still not looking at me.
"Yes. But I'm going better everyday..."
"That's a good sign."
Even if his words were very polite, I was feeling that I had lost his confidence. The link between us seemed to be broken. I couldn't help to feel sorry for that. I made a last attempt.
"Himura-san, even if I wasn't in the best state of mind that night, I never meant to harm any of the members of this clan. I wouldn't have run away from my responsibilities. Not having been injured, I would have come back right away. But you see, I spent the first 10 days unconscious. After that, I was really too weak to even walk. How could I have come back? And then, during my recovery, I learned, with surprise, that I wasn't welcomed here anymore. That's why I simply decided to stay where I was. Please try to understand."
Finally, Himura turned around to look at me. I had spoken with my hearth and he had sensed it. He smiled faintly and told me.
"It's okay, I believe you, Nakane-san or whoever you are."
"Thank you."
"What are you going to do now?"
"Leave Kyoto and return to where I belong. I have enough of this. But I hope that, for you, things are at least going better since Takasugi left."
"Things haven't change much. One of Katsura right hand men have simply been assigned to the leading position. At least, we are now way more organised than we were before. It's a good thing."
"Oh! I see."
Not really knowing what to say to each other anymore, we both remained silent. Finally, Himura broke the silence.
"Well then, let me wish you good luck in your new life. Also, let me warn you: you should leave this place right now. When you came in, I had just came back from the southern district. The others were going to follow me, soon..."
"Thank you. Thank you for everything"
Himura then turned around to look by the window.
"There is no one in the street. You won't have any problems if you leave right now."
I opened the shouji and that was all. Everything here was really behind me. Of course, Himura knew that I had not told him the whole truth, but he had not doubted my true intentions.
I went out of the headquarters as quickly as I could, like Himura had advised. Once outside, I raised my head and took a last glance at the building. I could see Himura's silhouette at the window. I acknowledge his presence with a little head bow. Then, I headed toward the Shinsengumi's headquarters.
I was already very tired, as I had already walked too much for my limited capacities. I would now even more totally unable to defend myself if anything happened. So, knowing that the Ishinshishi weren't very far away, I was feeling even more nervous than when I had came.
Just as I left Himura's field of vision, a tall man emerged from the bushes of the headquarter's ground. He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me in the bushes. Everything had happen very quickly. I was going to scream, but before I could do it, the man put his strong hand on my mouth in order to prevent any sound from coming out.
"Calm down." said an authoritarian voice I knew too well. Saitou.
His eyes were somewhat menacing. I felt a shiver run down through my spine. I didn't knew if it was from fear or from excitement. Saitou just stared at me, studying me, judging me. Then, he looked at the headquarters. His lips slowly curled in a smirk.
"So, this is the Ishinshishi's headquarters. It's very small. No wonder we didn't found it this time. Did they choose this place planning experiencing human losses?"
I remained silent. There was simply nothing to answer to those sarcasms. Besides, I didn't want to answer. Anything I would say about this place would make me betray the Ishinshishi.
"Would you be playing on both sides, Takagi?"
"No."
"How do you explain your presence here, then?"
"Hearing that everyone was busy in the southern district, I thought that now was the right moment to come here and pick some of my belongings."
As my hands were totally empty, Saitou was looking at me in total disbelief. I pulled the two books and the dagger out of my obi, in order to back my words.
"Here, you see. These are very dear to my heart. They are from my parents. You wouldn't understand."
Saitou's look proved my point: clearly he didn't understood this. He took the dagger, anyway, and examined it.
During that inspection, I took the time to carefully look at him. We were so close to each other that I could feel his body heat. I could feel his strength. He was way more powerful than I was. But also, I was now certain that I shouldn't fear him. He would never deliberately physically hurt me. Emotionally maybe, but not physically. I just knew it…
"Nice work" he said finally, before hiding the dagger in his own clothes.
"Hey! That's mine..."
"I'll put it with your sword..."
Saitou smirked before he started to walk toward Shinsengumi's headquarters. Too shocked by his latest actions, I didn't even thought of following him. After a few steps, as I still hadn't move, he glanced sideways at me and said.
"We don't have all night, Takagi."
I quickly put the books back in my obi and silently obeyed. It was the only thing to do.
Saitou was walking way much faster than I could, and he didn't cared waiting for me. There was now a good distance between us and, as I was staring at his back, between two thoughts about how athletic he was, I couldn't help wondering why I had to run right into him. He already didn't trust me, what would it be like now?
We had covered more than half the distance when Saitou finally dared check if I was still following. As it was not really the case, he paused to wait for me and lit a cigarette while I was slowly reducing the distance between us.
When I reached him, he was already lighting a second cigarette. I was totally exhausted. I leaned against the wall of a shop, but realising that I really need to rest, I finally decided to sit on the ground. My kimono would be almost ruined for sure, but I didn't care. I was too tired to care.
"You can go. I'm staying here for a while."
"And get you killed? After all the trouble I went through to protect you?"
He leaned against the wall, right beside where I was, smoking while I was deliberating over Saitou's words. I was wondering if it was really a coincidence.
"Were you following me?"
"No."
"Why were you waiting for me hidden in the bushes then?"
"You're really giving yourself too much importance, Takagi. I was simply following some Ishinshishi who were leading me directly to their headquarters when I saw you enter the building."
"But you waited for me to come out. And you questioned me. And you confiscated my dagger... You really don't trust me, don't you?" there was beginning to be a touch of resentment and protest in my voice.
"Appearances are against you, Takagi."
"Do you really mistrust me that much? Do you really think I have absolutely no honour and that I can betray absolutely everyone in the blink of an eye? Well, I'm not like that. And that is why I decided to stay neutral in the conflict between the Shinsengumi and the Ishinshishi. Can you at least believe me when I say that?" I said, now totally mad at him.
"Nice to see that your temper is coming back, Takagi. I had thought that the last events had turned you into a harmless kitten." replied Saitou, as he lit a third cigarette, not daring answering any of my questions.
I didn't reply anything. I just tried to calm down. The man had really pissed me off tonight. He was acting like a total jerk and really had no consideration for me. I was almost beginning to be ashamed of myself for actually having feelings for him.
Even if I was still very tired, I got up to my feet. I didn't felt like staying here any longer. I began walking while Saitou silently followed me. At least, this time, he respected my walking pace.
When we reached the headquarters, I went directly to my room without even looking at him.
***
Later that night, I was in the bathhouse, trying to see clearly in this whole story.
Even if Saitou was acting like a total jerk, even if I knew that having feelings for him was totally hopeless, I still couldn't help loving him. It would be so much easier if I could fall for someone like Soushi, or even Himura, but it was not the case. I guess that I somehow liked heartless bastards...
Almost regretfully, I left the warm water of the bath and walked back to my room. I was only a few feets away from it when I suddenly realised that something was wrong. The shouji was opened... I was absolutely certain that I had closed it before going to the bathhouse...
Not really knowing what to think of this, I walked very slowly and almost sneaked in my own room. A quick glance around convinced me that whoever had came here was now gone. The books were still there, the kimonos were still there. Nothing was missing.
I closed the shouji behind me and, as I walked toward my futon, I concluded that I might have been wrong. Maybe I had left the shouji open after all...
I had almost convinced myself that I was the one to blame when, the moon's reflection on metallic objects caught my attention. My sword and my dagger were on my futon.
To be continued
To the reviewers
Special thanks to IceRain, C.G., Serenity, Leila Winters, L. Sith, Keito-chan, Kamorgana, Aiteane, Alice, Charmed-anime, dadsnavygirl831, Midnight Scribbler and Muemosyne, who took the time to review this story. (^-^)
À la prochaine,
Mary-Ann