Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.
So, here is the third part of the story. It focuses on the event of the Boshin war. It is a shorter part and note that it is also the last one…
Very special thanks to Kamorgana for her more than precious comments. -
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Chapter 12 – The darkest hours
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Hajime was still carrying me in his arms when we came back to the headquarters. The whole place was practically deserted. In the main hall, only Hijikata, busy with a map, could be seen. At his sight, Hajime rudely asked.
"Have you seen any of my men, yet?"
"Maybe half of them are in their rooms right now and…"
Hijikata stopped talking as he raised his head and registered our sight.
"What happened?" he asked, instead.
"We ran directly into two groups of Ishinshishi. I took care of them, but she…" said Hajime briefly, glaring down at me before finishing his sentence "twisted her ankle."
With the tone of voice he was using, I suddenly felt like if I was the worst idiot in the whole world. He had taken care of fourteen Ishinshishi alone and I had only managed to twist my ankle…
"Oh I see…" replied Hijikata, immediately dismissing the event before returning to his main source of concerns "You're coming from the reception: do you know what Kondou's plan is?"
Hajime waited before answering. He put me down on a seat, not too far from where we were standing. Then he turned around and lit a cigarette: something he had probably been waiting for during the whole trip. Finally, he faced Hijikata.
"The others captains are trying to find their men and the officials are guarded by two of the other groups fighting for the Shogunate. We are all supposed to try to gain some time until the Shogun's army arrives."
"Yes. Considering the present situation, that was probably the wisest thing to order."
"Wisest?" disdainfully replied Hajime "I think that we should have finished this our way, a few months ago. Back then, it was only the Kyoto's Ishinshishi and us. Now, so much people are involved that it's not even really our battle anymore."
"A few months ago, we were still struggling over internal conflicts and the Ishinshishi were acting like mere shadows. They were not at all organized, which made it difficult to guess what they would do next. It was hard to set an effective trap…"
Hajime took a deep drag out of his cigarette. He didn't go on arguing, knowing that it was no use and respecting the fact that Hijikata was his superior. But his expression clearly showed that he did not agree at all. Finally, he asked.
"You said that half of my men are upstairs?"
"Yes. And, according to their sayings, the others should be expected soon."
"I give them fifteen minutes, then I'll leave. In the mean time, I'll try to gather those who are here." said Hajime, before slowly walking toward the stairs.
I had remained silent during the whole exchange, trying to be as discrete as possible. Both men didn't seem to be in their best mood. Hajime was eager to join the fight and visibly, he had still not digested his superior's words. Hijikata was concerned about what was happening in the streets. So, it wasn't time to disturb them. I didn't even protest when Hajime left, leaving me behind, in the main room. He knew I couldn't walk by myself.
I sighed: war was more important than I was…
Not too long after Hajime's departure, the maid had graciously helped me to climb the stairs so, next morning, I woke up in my room. It hadn't been a peaceful sleep as I had been worried about the night's events. Blood would be spilled. And either way, people I know would certainly die.
I was gazing out, trying not to focus too much on these dark thoughts, when I realized that there was a lot of noise downstairs. They were back. I could hear voices telling last night's tale, the clash of steel as swords were being put aside, the sounds of dinnerware as they begun eating breakfast.
I sat down on my futon, eager to learn the latest news. Was the conflict already finished, or was it just a period of calm? I hoped that the former option was the right one, but I feared that the latter option was truer. Things couldn't have been solved so easily, over just one night.
I was going to try to get up and see for myself when the shouji was pushed aside, revealing Hajime. His uniform was soaked with blood. I stared worryingly at him, while he looked back annoyed by my silent concern. I soon realized that he seemed to be all right. It wasn't his blood...
"So…?" I asked, expectantly.
"Things have calmed down. It was a short first offensive attack. Nothing more. They'll strike back soon, but probably not before we launch our own attack." he answered shortly, not looking at me.
"Oh! I see." I answered.
It wasn't finished… It was just the beginning. How many more nights like this one would I have to endure? Being neutral and being a "respectable" wife, I had to stay here. I was unaware of what was really happening outside. And this was killing me. I was not used to stay passive: I had always been on the battlefield before. And I had always thought that when the time for this final offense would come, I would be fighting.
I had never enjoyed being inactive. I had always taken position in every conflict. But right now, I had to admit that, wife or not, betrayal or not, I couldn't step in. I didn't even know with whom I would have like to fight along.
I looked at Hajime as he was getting rid of his spoiled light blue haori. I was grateful that he never had mentioned my past alliance again. He now trusted me enough to forgive me that. And, he even trusted me enough to expose me to the latest news about the war.
"Hajime…?"
He turned around and looked at me, waiting for my next words.
"I have to thank you."
"For what, this time?" he asked rudely, a bit exasperated.
I had the feeling that he didn't enjoy my words at all. Right now, the last thing he wanted was a repetition of last night's scene.
"I know that the situation, our situation, is not the best there is… I didn't enjoy the fact that Kondou-sama messed up with our lives like he did. And I know that you don't like it either."
At my words, Hajime's frown deepened. But, ignoring this silent protest, I went on. I had to say what I had to say.
"I can understand why. But thank you for, throughout all of this, trusting me. Thank you for believing that I won't use any of the information I hear around here against you or against your group. And thank you for respecting the promises I made to the Ishinshishi and never asking me what I do know about this…"
He looked at me for a while. For a short moment, I thought that he was going to ignore my intervention once more. But finally, he roughly said.
"I won't use your information, you won't use mine. It's only fair, Tokio.
"Yes, you're right, it's only fair…" I answered happily. At least we understood each other about one thing. And he had used my first name…
He turned around to pick up a few things before silently going to the bathhouse. I closed my eyes, enjoying the present moment. It wasn't much, but coming from Hajime, it was a lot. After a while, I opened my eyes and shook my head. Right now, there were more important things to think about. But still, I couldn't help smiling…
I took a good look at my ankle. At least it was back to its normal size. I carefully got up and put my feet on the ground. It hurt a bit, but it wasn't that painful. I had seen worse lately… I would be able to manage with this little injury. And in a day or two, the pain would be totally gone.
I got dressed and went downstairs, enjoying the joyous scene. Harada and his men were loudly telling how they had disposed of some of the Satsuma clan's members. Hopefully, he wasn't telling how they had disposed of Choshu clan's members. I wouldn't have been able to stand it… But as it was not the case, I listened with pleasure to the tale. A tale that was a bit too surreal to be true…
I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around to face Soushi. He was more smiling than ever.
"You are also back from last night?" I asked, happy to see him.
"Yes. The matter was solved more quickly than I thought it would. For now."
"So you didn't experience much resistance?"
"You really think that someone could be a challenge for me? I thought that you were a bit cleverer than that and didn't only rely on appearances. I'm disappointed…" said Soushi, teasing me.
I was on the verge of replying something, to defend myself, when Soushi broke off coughing badly. No enemy could defeat him: that was true. But tuberculosis… That was another thing. Knowing that Soushi always avoided the subject, as soon as he stopped coughing, I found a new topic.
"So, Harada says that you took care of twenty opponents in less than ten minutes?"
"Make that fifteen opponents in an half hour and it will be more true."
"He always exaggerates like that?" I asked, on a conspiratorial tone.
"Yes…" answered Soushi, sighing.
Soushi's laughter joined me. We talked a bit more, but then, I had to excuse myself. I had been standing for too long and my ankle was beginning to swell up again. I had overestimated my capacities. A mistake I would not repeat.
I sat in a corner of the room and silently spent most of the day there, enjoying the last peaceful moments, before the real fight began…
After a silent evening with Hajime in our room and a night alone, as he had gone out to patrol the streets, I woke up next morning. I got dressed and went downstairs. I sat in the main room, near the headquarters' entrance, exactly like I had done less than twenty-four hours ago. I think that it had been a way of making sure that if any news ever reached the headquarters, I would be the first one to be informed. I wouldn't have enjoyed being left in the dark, like the other night.
There was a new tension in the air. Everyone knew that today, the Shogun's army would probably reach Kyoto. The Shinsengumi and the other groups would finally be able to launch their attack. And, if it didn't happen today, it would happen tomorrow…
Kondou and most of the captains were also downstairs, waiting calmly for the news. As the night grew closer, everyone thought that, finally, this wouldn't be the day. But finally, as the sun set, a messenger came. It was the one who had also brought the news the other night. I was beginning to think that, whenever you saw that man, something terrible would inevitably immediately follow. He searched for his breath and, as he began to speak, I thought that I might not be totally wrong.
"Sir… The Shogun's army has arrived… The men are at Toba-Fushimi were they accidentally ran on the Ishinshishi's troops who were apparently getting ready to launch their own attack from there."
"They are presently fighting?" asked Kondou.
"Yes… And right now, it doesn't look good for us."
Kondou got up and quickly started giving orders to the captains. There was no time to waste.
"Gather your men. In less than fifteen minutes, you should all be on your way to the battlefield. Only ten men, one from each unit, will stay here to protect the headquarters. Decide who it will be, but keep in mind that they'll join us at Toba-Fushimi if things degenerate over there. In this conflict, we need every man we have."
No one needed to be told twice. Everyone was already putting those commending words into action. As I left the room, trying to follow Hajime's quick pace, I heard the next question Kondou asked to the messenger.
"Do the other groups know about this?"
"Yes. They should be on their way."
"Good."
I didn't catch the next words: I had reached the second floor. I stood still for a while, looking at the mess Kondou's command had created. Everyone was running from one room to the other, to advise anyone who wouldn't have heard the news. Recovering from this sight, I spotted Hajime. He was speaking with some of his men, giving orders. He then walked toward our room to pick some things.
I also went in. As I stared at him while he packed a few things, I was trying to stay calm. I knew that my husband was not an ordinary man: he would certainly get out of this alive. But I couldn't help feeling worried anyway. Lately, I had realized that he meant a lot to me. More than I ever thought he would.
Everyone really dear to my heart had die: my brother, my father… Soon, I would have to add Soushi to the list: I had no illusions about his health condition. Hajime would be all I had left. I couldn't also loose him.
I was still standing near the shouji. I didn't really want to take another step forward. I knew that Hajime wouldn't have enjoyed a show of emotions. But… It might be the last time I say him. I might become a widow sooner than I had thought. Even before I fully become his…
I was still deliberating about what I should do when I noticed that Hajime was finally ready to go. As he left the room, without further delay, I followed him downstairs. Most of the men were already outside and heading toward Toba-Fushimi.
Hajime turned around to face me and he nodded to indicate me that it was a goodbye.
How long would I be here alone? Would he ever come back? I didn't know. It was so unfair. I was afraid to loose him. He was strong, yes, but this time it wouldn't be a swordsman against another swordsman. The Ishinshishi were ready to use more drastic measures. What could Hajime do against that?
It hadn't been so hard for me the other night to let him go fight. I still hadn't experienced the fears every wife has to face when their husband went to war. But now that I knew… As he reached the front door of the now almost deserted headquarters, I finally found the courage to call out.
"Hajime…" I was surprise to hear my own trembling voice.
He turned around and looked down at me, bothered by my intervention. For him, the main room of the headquarters was definitely not the best place for a sudden demonstration of affection. I ignored his reticence and his reproving looks and reduced the distance between us. After all, in his tortuous mind, not even private rooms were appropriate for such things.
I was wondering if I should tell him. If it was time to reveal my feelings, my fears, my doubts. If it was time to betray the promises I had made to the Choshu clan and give him some hints about what he should expect. But I couldn't do that. As I had said, I wasn't a traitor and not even my love for Hajime would change that. Not ever. And as I looked into Hajime's eyes, I was shocked by their determined expression. I realized that he was even more powerful than I had thought. I had never really seen him into action, but in this moment, I realized the extent of his strength: he was used to get out of trouble. He would come back alive.
"I'll be waiting for your return." I said smiling, all fears of loosing him gone.
He didn't need someone who doubted him or worse, someone weak. Also, I didn't want to cause him any further worries. After all, I was a trained "swordsman" and a good one above all. I could defend myself and I would. He could leave for the battlefield in peace.
Our gazes were still locked, but it was time to part. I respected his wish and I didn't start a public show of emotion. Before he could even reply something, I simply turned around and went upstairs. I preferred being the one leaving. I wouldn't have stand looking at his back as he disappeared in the distance.
I went back to our room, I sat down and picked up a book. I was trying to wait calmly for the first news from the battlefield. But, as nothing came, I grew more and more impatient. I had to know what was happening. I had to know how things were doing for both the Shinsengumi and the Ishinshishi. Finally, I just couldn't concentrate anymore on the book.
I put it aside and went to the window. I was gazing out when the maid came in my room.
"You weren't downstairs tonight… You should eat, so I thought that I might bring you this."
"Thank you. But I'm not really hungry. Not with all that is happening."
I sat down beside the tray of food and she kneeled beside me.
"You wish you could fight with your clan?"
"No, not really. But staying here, waiting, simply drives me crazy. I want to see what's happening. I want to be there, but I can't… And also, I'm worried for the Shinsengumi's members. I know that some of them are going to die and it saddens me. They have all been so kind…"
The maid looked at me surprised.
"You don't want the Ishinshishi's victory?"
"I want to see the new era. I have dreamed of it for I can't even remember how long. But I'm not sure that I'll ever see it. There will be a change yes, but it will probably be very far from what I had envisioned. I don't trust the Ishinshishi's sense of justice: they went too far in this war. They didn't only killed corrupted people who really deserved death, they also cowardly killed a lot of innocent people."
The maid smiled and said.
"You know that, when you first came here, I never thought that I would someday hear such words coming out of your mouth. You did changed a lot lately. Gradually, slowly, but the change is there. And I think that it is a good one. You matured a lot."
The first news came with the first light of dawn. As soon as I heard the headquarters' door being opened and closed, I got up and rushed downstairs. I looked expectantly at the five men coming back from the battlefield. Finally we would get some news. Their usually light blue haori had almost been completely soaked with blood. Their blood, it seemed. They looked totally exhausted. I paled, thinking of Hajime, but I soon remembered that he was stronger than they were. Much stronger…
Some of the men assuring the protection of the headquarters came to see what was happening. We all waited for an answer to our silent questions. Finally, the bad news came.
"Things are not going well out there. A lot of our men got killed. The Ishinshishi are too strong this time. There are rumors that someone might even have seen a canon… We are taking over the job of protecting the headquarters." Said one of the men.
The newcomers settled down in the main room and as the others left for the battlefield. The news should have brightened my day: the Ishinshishi's victory was near. Things were going fine for the new era, but…
I slowly went to the kitchen and picked up some bandages, some medicine and some wet towels to clean the men's wounds. I brought them in silence. Finally, I asked, more curious than anxious.
"How is…?"
"Fine." Answered one of the men before I even finished my question. "When I left the battlefield, Saitou-san was still fighting and really not ready to give up. For now, you don't have to worry about that. But you won't be getting anymore news. Tomorrow morning, when we will leave the headquarters to go back fighting, no one will be sent here, in replacement…"
I smiled, Hajime was fine... Yes it was sure, he would come back. But when? Those last words let me guess that it was only the beginning. A lot more could still happened and it still wasn't the darkest hour.
I went to my room, picked a book and went back downstairs to settle down in the main room with the men, away from the wives' sobbing and weeping. Waiting: that was all I could do now. But I would do it with dignity.
I had decided some days ago that I needed to be morally stronger. Here was my chance to prove that I still had some courage left.
When I woke up next morning, I realized that what the man had said was true. Only the maids and the other wives were in the headquarters. As I looked at the other women during the breakfast, I kept my concerns for myself. This was definitely not a good sign. If no one could stay here to protect us, there had definitely been a lot of human losses...
We were all alone. The headquarters would certainly be an easy target for any Ishinshishi wanting to savor a little victory. Thinking of it, I went to my room, put on my training clothes and picked up my sword. I decided that I would keep it with me, to at least try to assure our protection. That was the least I could do. And it wasn't time to fear that someone might recognize me as an Ishinshishi. Everyone had more important things to do. I went in the main room, preparing for the worst.
I had been immobile, waiting like that for a few hours. I was beginning to fall asleep when some words abruptly woke me up. I secured my grip on my sword and swiftly got up.
A messenger came in. He shortly glanced at me and then started looking around.
"You're alone?" he asked, visibly disappointed.
"Pretty much." I answered, not going into details.
As he swiftly turned around to leave without another word, I stopped him, insulted.
"You know, I can always pass the word around if I see anybody…"
He looked at me briefly and condescended to say.
"Just so you know… my group has left the battlefield. This is nonsense and Kondou is only going to get everybody killed."
On those words, he left. I stared at the door for a while, almost angrily. Coward! Fleeing from the battlefield, leaving the Shinsengumi behind would get everybody killed. And I thought that my attitude lacked courage…
I sat back down and waited once again. I was angry. This lacked honor and, deep inside me, I wished I could have taught that man a lesson. But it wasn't my role. It was the Shinsengumi's business.
"What did he have to say?" asked a trembling voice beside me.
I looked up and my eyes met one of the wives. She was visibly scared, waiting for the worst. I remembered how I had felt just before Hajime had left for the battlefield. How could I tell her…?
"Nothing particularly interesting…" I answered, presenting the facts in a more acceptable way.
Later, we would learn the whole truth. We would learn who had died and who had survived. Then, it would be time to cry and scream. For now, I didn't want a panic inside the headquarters. The situation was already touchy…
I waited for another few hours, not forgetting the man's cowardice. Some people were born in samurai families, but just didn't deserve it.
The maid brought me something to eat and I thanked her gratefully. She quickly left me alone with my thoughts. And hours slowly passed while I waited, waited and waited. Two other messengers came to tell me that their respective groups had stop fighting. I silently listened to their sayings and simply nodded. Even if their cowardice enraged me, there was nothing else I could have done. I was forced to be inactive while others just deserted the battlefield…
Not being there, not being aware of what was happening was really killing me. For a short while, I thought of leaving the headquarters and going to see for myself, but it was something I refused to do. Not only because Saitou and Kondou would not have enjoyed it. But because I was the only one who could protect this place. I had taken this duty upon my shoulders and I would not resign.
The night was about to fall when another messenger entered the headquarters: my brother's killer…
Yes, he was there, standing right in front of me, surprised to find only a woman. A strange woman with her sword.
"I suppose that you came to tell me that your group is leaving the battlefield?" I asked, having seen this scene three times and not according too much credit to the man's real courage.
He raised an eyebrow and looked at me surprised.
"Yes? How do you know?"
"It is true that you prefer killing people in the back than honorably fighting on a battlefield…"
His blank expression told me that he did not really understood the implications of my words. Of course, he couldn't… How could he have made the link between the Ishinshishi chasing him in the streets and the Shinsengumi's wife now standing in front of him? I got up and I started explaining.
"My brother… That is how you killed him. I haven't forgiven nor forgotten. Back then, I saw your lack of courage and honor as I see it today…"
"And you want revenge I suppose? A duel between you, a little girl, and me?" he asked, visibly amused.
No, I didn't exactly wanted revenge. That word had been part of my vocabulary until recently, but now, I wanted something more. I wanted to make sure that people like him wouldn't live in the new era. That would be my share… But I simply answered, knowing that he wouldn't understand all of this.
"You could say so… And if you only kill people in the back, then I think that yes, a woman like me can defeat you."
He laughed, visibly amused and not taking me seriously at all. He would learn better soon…
I was looking defiantly at him. Yes, I really wanted this to happen. For Asaki and for all the people he had killed so far. He had been fighting for the Shogunate, like my husband, and I was in the Shinsengumi's headquarters… But no one would really blame me: he was a deserter.
He shrugged, silently saying why not. Visibly, he thought that this could prove to be fun and he wasn't a man who would refuse such an offer. He needed the excitement of the fight and he needed the thrill of the victory, even if it was an easy one. I understood the feeling: many of my Ishinshishi companions had thought the same way.
We began to fight and he soon stopped smiling. I was serious, he shouldn't have doubted about it. My ankle had healed and the training with Soushi had helped me a lot, more that I had thought. My movements were fluids, more than before. And, after a few minutes, it was over. My brother's killer was lying at my feet, dead.
I looked at his inert body for a while, not feeling sorry at all. It had been a loyal fight, I had nothing to reproach myself. In fact, I was serene. I had been waiting for this moment for too long. I needed this relief to finally overcome Asaki's death and move on. For the first time in months, I was free.
I started cleaning my blade while looking at the growing pool of blood. I knew that the other wives were not too far away, hiding, horrified by what had just happened. But, according to me, they shouldn't be. Life was like that: in the end, cowards always got what they deserved.
I frowned as I remembered Himura. He wouldn't have agreed with me. According to him, everyone should get a second chance in life. But I viewed things differently: some people were rotten to the bone and there was just nothing you could do. On that level, Himura and I were very unlike each other. Yes, we both wanted a more peaceful era and he had been there for me, but because of our differences, we had never really become close friends. Just friends.
I should have gotten rid of the body, but I didn't feel like it. Not now. Instead, I went to the window and I looked at the sunset. Its red shades were particularly vivid tonight as if the whole sky was spoiled with the blood of the battle.
I was still looking at this curious sight when Hajime came in the headquarters, exactly like I knew he would. Of course, he seemed to be badly hurt, but he was acting like if those cuts were mere scratches. He wasn't wearing his blue haori, probably not to attract too much attention.
He looked at the body lying on the floor, but seeing the type of injuries, he understood immediately what had just happened. He smirked and only told me.
"Tokio, Kondou asked me to gather some documents and then to promptly leave this place."
"Should I tell the other wives?"
"It's not necessary: they are not coming."
"Why…?" I asked, puzzled.
"Their husbands happen to be all dead, so there will be no one to protect them where we are going."
I heard a soft cry of pain coming from the first floor. One of the wives must have heard our conversation. I felt very sorry for them: I could have been the one gasping for air right now. But I also felt relieved: I would not have to personally announce the bad news.
"So you are leaving them here, without protection instead?" I asked dubiously.
"They will go at a safe inn located in the city's outskirts. One of my men will shortly arrive to lead them there. Everything have been settled, a long time ago, with the innkeeper."
Without further delay, he then walked toward Kondou's office, to accomplish his last task in Kyoto.
I took a deep breath: it was time to act fast. Indecision and thoughts about the battle's issue would have to wait. I judged that this was a good time to pick up some of our stuff. I went to our room and took only the essential. I sighed as I left behind the rich kimono the salesman had given me: it would have been foolish to travel with it. As I came back down, Hajime came out of the office.
"Ready?" he asked.
"Yes." I answered, determined.
If, as I thought, the Shinsengumi had lost, the future wouldn't be very brilliant for us. But I was ready to face anything as long as we were together.
To be continued…
Notes
Toba-Fushimi, a mount near Kyoto, was the set of the first battle of the Boshin war. That battle was also the first of a series of victorious wins for the Ishinshishi.
Toshizo Hijikata was the vice-captain of the Shinsengumi. He was acquainted with Kondou and Okita even before the Shinsengumi was created.
Remember that the values samurais shared were very different from the values we now share. They had the right to kill, without any justification. And in the RK world, it is quite common (remember Okubo, Usui, Gein and so on…) So, that is why Tokio doesn't have any remorse about killing a man in a loyal fight. And also, it allows her to evolve, once again.
To the reviewers
Special thanks to all the ones who took the time to review this story: IceRain, Muemosyne, me me and only me, Kamorgana, JadeGoddess, Serenity, Charmed-Anime, Aiteane, L. Sith, Akuma no yoru, Wolf of Mibu, Bonessasan, Anaii, Setine, Keito-chan, Lily, Kayrie, Jared/Tofu, The bloody queen of hearts, Dadsnavygirl831 and Alice. (-)
À la prochaine,
Mary-Ann