Disclaimer: I do not own, in any way, Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. I'm only borrowing his characters for a while.
Once again, I have to thank Kamorgana for her corrections and comments on this chapter. They helped me a lot. -
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Chapter 13 – Defeat or victory?
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When they poured across the border,
I was cautioned to surrender.
This I could not do.
I took my gun and vanished.
Leonard Cohen, The partisan
We walked for nearly two hours. We reached the city's outskirts, the modest farms surrounding the agglomeration and finally, the forest. It was cold, though it was bearable, but we went on walking in the woods. Going deeper and deeper, hiding from civilisation. Where? I didn't know, by now I didn't care. I was too tired to care.
I was still able to keep up with Hajime's walking pace, which granted me an appreciative look, but it was only with great difficulties. I was still not in a great physical shape, I was exhausted and the cold bothered me more and more. I tried to ignore it by keeping my mind busy. I didn't know much about what had happened at Toba-Fushimi, I hadn't questioned Hajime yet, but even with the few elements I was aware of, there were a lot of things to think about.
Only one thing was clear: the factions supporting the Shogunate had lost. The Shinsengumi had lost. The first battle was over. But I knew that this wasn't the end. Samurais don't give up like that.
Looking at my husband, I knew that he hadn't said his last word. I didn't know much about him, but I was at least certain that he was a man of courage and of loyalty. Once he had started something, he would always finish it. The case was desperate? Who cared? He would find a way to succeed. He would go on because he truly believed that he was on the right side. Which left him thinking that I had been on the wrong side…
Had I made a mistake in my life then? Not really. I had believed in the new era, I had wanted to help the people of this country. I had followed my brother because I believed in his words. He had been a dreamer. People like him built the future. People like Hajime protected the present. It was simply two different ways of seeing things. No one was wrong, no one was right.
So fundamentally, I had nothing to reproach myself. Far from it. I should be happy about the Ishinshishi's victory then. Yes, it was a first step toward a better future. But would there be a second step?
The maid had told me that there might be none. That even if the new era came, there might be no real change. People are just the way they are and social injustices would always be present. Maybe the maid had been right. Dreamers are not realistic enough.
If it were the case, then the Ishinshishi's fight would loose its purpose. Death, suffering would have been brought with nothing in exchange. Death and suffering had already been brought. Many Miburos had died unfairly, probably under the blows of occidental weapons. They hadn't deserved such a death. That wasn't the Samurai way. That was definitely not what Asaki had I had envisioned for the new era.
Maybe there would be no real new era after all. I feared that the day Hajime would say "I told you so" was not too far…
So, I couldn't help sharing partially the bitter taste of defeat, although I would never openly admit this.
We went on walking in the forest, my moral now going down faster than my strengths. The moon was high in the sky. It was a really peaceful night that contrasted greatly with the events of the day. And finally, in the silence surrounding us, I heard people talking. We took a few steps forward and I saw in the distance the dim lights of fire camps. Finally, we were almost there…
As we came closer, I looked around to see who had survived and who hadn't. I immediately registered the sight of Kondou, Okita, Harada and Hijikata. There were two other captains I wasn't really acquainted with and thirty-six men, among the strongest and the most courageous ones, if I recalled well. If I included Hajime and the man who was presently taking care of the other wives, that made forty-four persons.
"Where are the others?" I asked, fearing the truth. I knew that there had been a lot of deaths, but it couldn't have been as bad as this…
"There are no others." shortly replied Hajime.
No others…? It was a real massacre. The Shinsengumi had comprised more than two hundred men at its peak. And now… This was barely enough to go on fighting. I understood better why they had retreated. Nothing more could have been done without loosing every man and every hope of a comeback.
I was trying to calmly analyse the situation, but I couldn't help feeling sad and concerned. Of course, I had been aware of the fact that some Miburos had died, but now that I knew who were the victims, it was a different story. I couldn't pretend I didn't cared. I would never see these men again. I had appreciated them, they had warmly welcomed me in their headquarters, but now they were dead. My moral sunk even deeper, if it was possible.
As we reached the camp, the men acknowledged our presence with little head bows. I could feel that they were still under the shock of their defeat: they simply couldn't believe it. They hadn't thought that loosing was a possibility. But now, they had lost the first battle.
Soushi remained silent when I sat beside him. He was thinking, analysing the latest events, trying to see what could still be done. So was everyone.
After a while, I felt the need to understand what was exactly going on in their minds. Only thirty-three men were still alive… I needed better explanations about what had exactly happened at Toba-Fushimi. I leaned toward Soushi and discretely asked.
"Was it that bad?"
"More than you can imagine, Tokio-san. More than any of us could have imagine…" replied Soushi, frowning and shaking his head, still in disbelief.
"Tell me… I want to know."
Soushi looked at me with a serious expression greatly contrasting with his boyish features. Then, pondering each word, he slowly said.
"When we arrived at Toba-Fushimi, the battle was already well engaged. The Shogun's army had run directly into the Ishinshishi and they weren't prepared for that. The first few minutes were crucial and the Shogun's troops were rapidly decimated."
As Soushi paused, I encouraged him to go on.
"And then, you joined the fight…"
"Yes, and a bloody battle it was. But we had an advantage: we had experience. We should have won, at a costly price, but we should have won." said Soushi, with conviction.
"But you didn't…"
"No. Rumours began to spread around. Some men had seen a canon, some swore having seen guns. It was just rumours, but it destabilised the other groups, who were not as used to fight as we were. And when the Ishinshishi finally started using their occidental weapons, they were already paralysed by fear. One by one, the other groups quickly left the battlefield. We were alone and I don't have to tell you that we didn't last long after that."
Soushi paused again. He didn't like having to relate the events that had led to his defeat. No warrior would like it, but Hajime would probably have enjoyed it even less. I doubted that he would have answered my questions. That's why I hadn't asked him anything. I knew my limits.
But I understood what Soushi meant. The other groups' cowardice had precipitated the Shinsengumi's defeat. That's exactly what I had suspected back at the headquarters. I had been right to feel angered.
"You know, Tokio-san, some decisions are hard to take and some orders are hard to follow. But when Kondou-sama asked us to retreat, saying that there was nothing else we could do, we all agreed and followed him. It was either escaping or surrendering… It was over. We had lost Kyoto."
I didn't reply anything to that. It was the reality, their reality, and no kind words could change what had happen. I was sorry for them, yes, but to voice that feeling would have sound awkward. At least, coming from me, a former enemy…
We ate in silence, all lost in our thoughts. Still having difficulties accepting their defeat, no one was thinking about going to sleep. Everyone just remained in his spot.
Finally, Kondou spoke. He had to say something to shake is troop. As a leader, it was his job. They had to move on and forget about this.
"I know that this isn't what we had wished for. Yes, we lost, but only because we could do nothing against the occidental weapons they used. In fighting spirit and abilities, we won. And this is not the end of the world. A lot of our comrades are dead, but so are a lot of Ishinshishi…"
I kept my eyes fixed on the ground. I did not trouble myself looking at Kondou. Less than twenty percent of the manpower remained and it wasn't the end of the world? It was over for the Shinsengumi, he had to admit it.
"I'm not going to dissolute the Shinsengumi. There will be other battles, in other cities. We will join the forces present there. And you'll see, in the end, we will win. It won't be the kind of victory we had all hoped for, but we will win."
Hearing this, I finally looked up. Kondou had a lot of charisma and it was hard to ignore him. But was he really right?
I looked at the men around me and I noticed that they all had a new determination in their face, a new spark in their eyes. Apparently, Kondou's words immediately had the wanted effect. Five minutes ago they still wanted to fight, but they had difficulties getting over their defeat. Now, they were ready to forget Toba-Fushimi and only focus on the future.
Realising this, I started to feel ashamed. Even if I was physically tired, even if it was cold, even if I had realised that I might have been fighting for the wrong cause, even if some of my friends were dead, I shouldn't have let dark thoughts influence me. Visibly, the Shinsengumi were still strong. No, I shouldn't have doubted these men, even if it had just been for a short while. I had made a mistake, once more, but I decided that it would be the last one.
"Of course, we'll have to act more discretely from now on: we are outlaws. The roles have been reversed. It's a thing we are not really used to, but I'm sure that we'll manage."
"How?" asked Hijikata, already thinking of what would happen tomorrow morning.
"It won't be easy. We have to stay in contact, be close to one another, nevertheless keeping enough distance, to avoid arousing suspicion. So I think that we should settle in different districts of a big city. Each time we'll learn about a new battle, we'll quickly go there. That's the best solution I can see for now. "
"This plan is fine with me," Hijikata agreed.
"And with me," backed up Soushi, giving his full support to Kondou.
One by one, the other men nodded or voiced their support. Only Hajime remained silent. As everyone glared at him, waiting for his approval, he snorted and shrugged his shoulders: his way of saying that he was in.
"If anything ever goes wrong, we'll retreat to Aizu. There, we won't be troubled… The rebels have absolutely no power on the affairs of that fief."
I really admired Kondou. He knew how to convince people. He did not need to be feared. Intelligence and respect was sufficient. And with the plans he could come up with, in such a short lapse of time, he really deserved that respect.
Everyone finally went to sleep, but I remained where I was, still thinking about all the bad and all good things that had happened to me lately. But now, I was doing it with a clear mind. My wrong assumptions about the Shinsengumi had just made me realise that you had to remain grounded in every situation.
Yes, it wasn't the end of the Shinsengumi. I admired them for their courage and their determination. And now that I feared that the new era would never see the day, I was ready to give them my full support. Yes, at least, we had to protect what we already had.
Soushi, who was still sitting beside me, finally also got up. He looked at me, questioningly.
"I'm fine, Soushi. Don't worry for me." I said, smiling. I had finally, and definitely, found some peace of mind.
"I have every right to be worried for you: you don't deserve such a life. You should be partying with your group right now. Not be stuck here with us…"
"I married Saito and I will follow him everywhere he goes, no matter where this road takes me."
"But that doesn't change the fact that this is a life you didn't choose."
"It's true that this life is very far from what I had envisioned. But don't think that I haven't chosen it. My actions slowly led me here. I wouldn't change anything. It is my life now."
Soushi kneeled beside me, he looked at me directly in the eyes and said.
"I hope that you'll never regret those words and that you'll be happy…"
"We build our own happiness by the way we handle things." I replied. At least, that was a thing I had learned lately.
I was becoming embarrassed by the serious and personal twist our discussion was taking. I was going to leave, when Soushi stopped me. He gently grabbed my wrist and told me.
"Saitou-san is a great man. Never loose faith in him, whatever might happen: he won't let you down."
I stared at him, surprised. Soushi's words had never been as direct before and I understood what it meant. Soushi thought that, for a long time, we wouldn't be able to share those kinds of discussions. Starting tomorrow, the Shinsengumi's members would have to avoid seeing each other.
"Tokio-san… Always remember your luck. Saitou-san was, and still is, my best friend. And there are reasons for that. He is sometimes heartless and he can be cruel, but never without reasons. He has the best judgement of all."
"I know… I realised that a long ago."
"You changed lately, for the best. You don't rely on others as much as you used to. Of course, you still hesitate before taking decisions and you have doubts, but less than before. And you can find the answers to your questions by yourself. I think that gradually, you are taking assurance. You are getting morally stronger. And Saitou will need someone just like that by his side."
I blushed under the compliments and I shyly said.
"Thank you Soushi. Our friendship means a lot to me. Sometimes I don't know what I would have done without you. I hope that we'll be able to see each other soon."
"Me too, Tokio-san. Me too." replied Soushi, looking at the sky.
My stomach was in knots. I had a bad feeling about this. I had the feeling that this might, in fact, be our last real discussion. With the events to come, and with Soushi's disease, I was wondering if we would be able to see each other again. Tomorrow morning, I would loose my best friend. And, I would be even lonelier.
Within a few months interval, I had lost my father and my brother. I had left the rest of my family behind to join the fight. After loosing my dreams, I had even given up fighting. And now I would also loose Soushi. I only had Hajime left. But being by his side was more than I had wished for in the first place.
I was searching for Hajime. I had talked and thought enough, I needed some sleep now. The early January cold air only reminded me of how great it was to sleep on a warm futon, but I would have to deal with it.
Finally, I found Hajime. He had lit a fire camp and was enjoying a cigarette. I sat beside him, in silence. I gazed into the dancing flames, happy to have found a source of heat. After a while, Hajime said, without directly looking in my direction.
"You don't have to stay."
I blinked, unsure of what I had heard.
"What do you mean?"
"It's not your battle. You can go directly to Aizu, to your family. No one will mind much if you leave, considering the circumstances…"
Lately, after he had protected me from Ishinshishi in the street, a few days ago, I had started suspecting that my presence meant something to Hajime, something else than a nuisance. I was aware of the fact that he was still not ready to accept that reality, but I could wait. Only… What was this proposition suppose to mean?
"And you, would you mind?" I asked hesitantly.
Still without looking at me, he briefly answered.
"It would be the normal thing to do. And you are still my wife: we will see each other once this is over."
He then tossed his cigarette aside. I observed him closely, trying to guess what was really going on in his twisted mind. His proposition was wise: I would be safe there. But...
"My answer is no: I won't escape from my responsibilities. I promised to be your wife and to support you, no matter what. I won't break those promises. We are in the same boat now."
He finally looked at me, questioningly, while I went on.
"As I told you, the fact that Kondou interfered with our private life displeased me very much, yes. But somehow I don't regret it. And I'm ready to face everything."
There was so much I wished I could have told him: that I loved him, that I truly cared for him and that I wouldn't be able to live without him. But I didn't voice that out. Not now, and maybe not ever.
There are things that could be said without words. And this was one of them. I was too shy to frankly tell him my feelings and Hajime despised emotional people too much to appreciate such a demonstration. But I knew that he had understood and, the fact that he didn't protest any further told me that he wasn't totally against my decision.
We were both gazing in the fire. Finally, Hajime got up and went to retrieve two blankets of our small pile of belongings. He threw one in my direction and sat, leaning on a tree, for the night.
I hesitated for a while, but finally I got up and sat beside him. No, he wouldn't be able to get rid of me now. I put my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around his torso. I felt him tense, and then relax.
"Women…" he said, snorting disdainfully.
I smiled inwardly. That was how I loved him. He didn't need to change. I didn't want him to change.
The fire slowly extinguished itself. A page of my life had been turned. Tomorrow a new journey would begin. We would have to live like outlaws for a while, but I think that it would be worth it. It would be a life with Hajime.
When I woke up the next morning, Hajime was already busy, discussing business with Kondou, Hijikata and Okita. I yawned and sat down. My whole body ached from the uncomfortable night of sleep: the temperature had almost reached the freezing point.
I got up and walked toward the small group of men. Not necessarily to share their conversation, but because they had lit a fire. However, that didn't stop me from listening with interest, as they elaborated the last details of their plan. It had seemed simple last night, but it was not…
We would go to Edo and we had to choose the exact locations: some would live at the city's outskirts, some in densely populated districts. If we wanted to go unnoticed, we had to arrive separately in the city, on different days and from different directions. We also had to travel separately. According to that plan, some of us would stay here a few days more and some of us would leave right away.
Hijikata proposed that Hajime and I would be the first one to leave the camp and that we would halt on our way to Edo in a small city, to take a few days of rest. He probably thought that I was too weak to stay here longer than necessary or to cover that distance in one shot. I couldn't blame him after the way I had ended up being injured the other night…
Hijikata also proposed that Soushi left the camp immediately. Unlike us, he wouldn't halt: he would go to Tokyo right away. I was happy to learn about that decision: spending too many nights in that freezing cold wouldn't do any good to Soushi's already fragile health condition.
Two other men would leave the camp today. They would not take the same road: they would take a few days off to visit their family. All the other Shinsengumi's members would follow us, one by one, during the next few days. Within a month everyone should be in Edo.
I listened to all of this and I realised that Kondou was taking a lot of precautions. Almost too many precautions for my taste. Kondou would change is name for Yamato Okubo, change the Shinsengumi's name and, most of all, he was talking about what would happen if anything ever happened to him. He didn't want to take any chance.
Finally, Kondou asked if the latest plan suited everyone and all the men silently nodded. The discussion was near and end and our journey would begin.
Hajime and I quickly packed our things and we waited for Soushi: we would walk together for a few hours before parting for good. Leaving this place made me feel relieved. Yes, I had respected these men very much, they had been my friends, but… Because of the promises I had made to the Ishinshishi, I couldn't help feeling a bit like a traitor. I was living under the enemy's roof. It wasn't a very nice feeling, but now, I would finally be able to sleep more peacefully. It would be a life I had chose and I wouldn't be ashamed of it.
We walked in silence, for a long while. None of us really knew what to say. Finally, as we reached the junction where our roads would part, we paused and Soushi slowly said.
"Tokio-san, take care of yourself. And always remember what I told you…"
"I certainly will."
Then, Soushi turned toward Hajime and both men said goodbye with only little head bows. Everything was said. Soushi addressed us a last cheerful smile and rapidly disappeared in the distance. It was the last time I would see him.
I had never enjoyed weeping or crying. Only events as powerful as my brother's death could be the cause of such an outburst of emotions. And this was such an event. As Hajime started walking again, I was trying to stay calm. I didn't want to show my weaknesses to him. But finally, I couldn't repress my emotions anymore. A first tear rolled on my cheek, soon followed by many more.
Blinded, I stopped walking while Hajime went on. Finally noticing that I wasn't following anymore, he turned around clearly annoyed.
"We have a great distance to cover, Takagi" he shortly stated, switching back to my old name: a thing he would often do each time I would manage to get on his nerves.
He lit a cigarette and looked at me, waiting.
"I'm sorry." I almost whispered, trying to overcome my feelings. "Too many things happened lately, that's all…"
I slowly reduced the distance between us: I had no energy left…
"Try not to act like a sissy too often, Takagi, or I'll wish I had left you behind at the headquarters..."
Those rude words immediately calmed me down as I absorbed the shock... I knew that, even if he didn't show it, Hajime was almost as affected as I was by Soushi's departure. He had been his best friend for many years. But he was moving on. I was still really sad, but I realised that I had to do the same thing. Life wouldn't end here. Other difficulties were lying ahead and I would have to be strong…
"I think that there will be many more reasons why you'll wished you had left me behind…" I said almost mockingly, trying to show him that I was also looking forward, and not backward.
Hajime smirked and said.
"That's exactly what I fear, Tokio."
To be continued…
Notes
Forty-four Miburo survived the Toba-Fushimi battle. A few months later, there were less then twenty Miburo left …
Among the most notorious members, Kondou, Saitou, Okita, Hijikata, Nagakura and Harada survived to the Toba-Fushimi battle.
After Toba-Fushimi, the Shinsengumi settled in Edo and they changed their name to Koyo Chinbu-tai. The were now outlaws… I took the liberty to say that they would travel separately and live in different districts to avoid arousing suspicion. In fact, they stick together, but I prefered, for the purpose of this story, leaving Saito and Tokio alone together for a while, away from the conflict…
Isami Kondou changed is name to Yamato Okubo to avoid being recognised. However, it didn't help him much… - More to come on that in the next chapter.
About Tokio
Tokio is slowly becoming a morally stronger person in this story, as Okita pointed out in this chapter. Of course, she still has moments of doubts: no evolution happens smoothly, it is a bumpy road. And after all, a lot of events are happening at the same time. But now, she finally understood a couple of things and she finally made her own choices. She's on the right track and she shouldn't fall back again.
History and fiction
This story is pure fiction, but I'm trying to be as historically correct as I can when I'm mentioning important events. But sometimes, it is true that readers can have difficulties guessing where history ends and when fiction starts…
My main sources of information are the manga and the Kenshin Kaden. However, Watsuki did not give every detail so I sometimes have to seek for other sources. But it is almost amusing to see the number of contradictory things you can read on the web. (And even my two Japanese history books don't say exactly the same thing)
When I doubt the information I read on the web, I stick to the few things Watsuki said and I add a few home-made details to match my story's purpose.
So don't necessarily believe everything I say. If I don't give details about something in my notes, there are good chances that it is fiction (unless I forgot to mention something… -).
And the main liberty I took was the Toba-Fushimi battle. Yes, it was the first battle of the Boshin war, it did happened in January 1868, the Shinsengumi did loose and, according to Watsuki, Saitou did fight during that battle. But the rest is my doing: the battle's length, the other groups' cowardice, how it exactly began…
I'm sorry if I, unintentionally, made you believe that that was how things really happened. -
To the reviewers
Special thanks to all the one who took the time to review this story: IceRain, JadeGoddess, Aimi-chan, DustyFall, Setine, Brittany8, Lily, Wolf of Mibu, Kamorgana, Bonessasan, L. Sith, Keito-chan, Lasaire, Aiteane, Akuma no yoru, Charmed Anime and Moondemon. (-)
À la prochaine,
Mary-Ann