Omina Sol Temperat - Chapter 1
Sitting tensely on the overstuffed couch, Fuuma pulled one leg underneath him and turned to face the bleary-eyed medium. He placed the mug of tea on the tray, then picked it back up again and squeezed it between his palms, nervously. Subaru didn't force eye contact.
The boy struggled for a place to begin. He finally looked up at his host with pained eyes, as if anywhere he began would be inadequate. He eventually resorted to following a broken train of thought. "Sumeragi-san... I'm sorry."
Subaru blinked. This wasn't what he expected to hear from someone who he'd seen destroy entire buildings. "I don't think I could be forgiven for what I've done, to anyone, but especially to you… but I thought… I know it's selfish to… but would you…"
Subaru cut him off. "Monou-kun, you're babbling." He took a sip from his mug. "Let me guess at what happened, and then you'll tell me how far off the mark I was. Okay?"
Fuuma nodded, staring at his hands. Startled, he released the mug from the death-grip he'd been holding. He sighed, still avoiding the older man's eyes. "I…" he scanned the floor.
"Monou-kun. Monou Fuuma. Listen well." Subaru's voice was clipped, raw from exhaustion. "I don't hold you responsible. I don't bear grudges against anyone, especially against one who acted against their will." He took a long pause, breathing evenly, trying not to think too hard about Seishirou-san. "As for my…" he gestured toward his face, "…it is better this way. If it bothers you to look at it, I could find a pair of sunglasses, perhaps. But either way, it is not something I hold against you." In a quieter tone, he added a coda. "It was my wish, after all."
"Then you… You for-?"
"Forgive you? Fuuma, there is nothing to forgive. But if it makes you feel better, then I forgive you now." Subaru was losing the edge of his patience. Going without sleep never affected him much before, he wondered if he were already getting old. He couldn't go quite as long without eating, either, which puzzled him, but for his visitor's sake, he would not be rude simply because he was tired.
Fuuma's eyes were closed. He took a long breath, breathed it out steadily, and relaxed somewhat. "Thank you, Sumeragi-san," he said in a quiet, clear tone.
Subaru rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand. A word of forgiveness was something the boy probably needed to hear before he could talk about this easily. "Alright, let me start. If anything is incorrect, feel free to stop me. Then I'll pose some questions. Between us, we'll figure out something."
He nodded, hesitatingly.
"Do I need to tell you what happened to your sister," he asked, with falling intonation.
Fuuma shook his head, "I remember it."
"And the remainder of that year?"
He shook his head again, passively. "That was why I felt I had to apologize about your eye."
Subaru's brow tensed quickly. Since he was obviously no longer 'Kamui', Fuuma would naturally feel disgust at what he did. The dark 'Kamui' seemed to understand what had happened to him, but eerily, he didn't show any outward signs of distress. Subaru decided to see if he were repressing negative feelings, or was simply as numb as he appeared to be.
"And Kamui? Do you remember what happened to him," he asked directly, motivated by a strange curiosity. "Tell me in your own words."
He looked up from the mug, meeting Subaru's eyes. His voice was clear and steady.
"It was at Tokyo Tower, when he and I fought, as destiny foretold, that I pierced his heart with the shinken. Before he died, he placed his hand over my heart to create a kekkai, which shielded the world. Naturally, since he was close to death, the kekkai wasn't stable, so I granted his last wish.
"Kamui wished to protect the world in which I lived. There was also guilt for his choice that made me hurt the ones I loved, and Kamui wished for my happiness. For as long as it took to stabilize the kekkai, Kamui became a Dragon of Earth, making the kekkai mine, and then he died… That was his wish."
Fuuma sipped his lukewarm tea, then swished it around in the mug. "Do you mind if I microwave this? It's getting cool."
Subaru shook his head, mute. He was too stunned at the revelation to voice anything. His eyes fluttered and closed.
"…Are you okay?" Fuuma had returned from the kitchen.
Subaru lied easily. "Just tired."
"Your voice sounds awful. Is there honey in your tea?"
"No."
"Then here, take mine, and I'll be right back."
When Fuuma returned the second time, Subaru had resolved to take control of the conversation. He wouldn't let fatigue and stress overtake him.
"Fuuma."
"Drink up, Sumeragi-san. It's good for you."
Grudgingly, he took a sip before continuing. "Tell me directly, if Kamui became a Dragon of Earth, what did that make you, during those three seconds?"
"Dragon of Heaven, I think."
Subaru nodded, that made sense. "And because you two changed positions, the kekkai now protecting this world is yours?"
"When Kamui died, his kekkai would have fallen. To keep it, he gave the power of maintaining a kekkai to me. If he hadn't, then the destruction of the world would have occurred as he died."
"Is it active maintenance?"
"Not that it requires constant attention, no."
"Now that the kekkai is yours, if something happens to you," he refrained from biting his lip, "the kekkai will… and the destruction that happened to the earth..."
Fuuma chuckled, "I'm the only one standing between the world and total chaos, yes."
Subaru shot him an appraising look. "You seem fairly nonchalant."
Fuuma frowned and shrugged, taking a cookie. "I accepted this. He wished me to be happy, so here I am." He nibbled. "Kotori, too. I remember killing her, but I can't force myself to feel much about it." He nodded, gesturing towards Subaru's face. "It's not that I don't feel guilt, however. If there's something I can do to atone for what I did, I'll do it. It's just that I can't ask forgiveness from Kamui or Kotori, because they're gone, and I can't feel sorry for them anymore."
Subaru almost laughed bitterly at the irony. "Isn't it nice to be able to let go of loved ones so easily?" The somewhat diluted acid in Subaru's words surprised Fuuma, who flinched.
"I killed my sister. Then I killed someone I loved deeply, with my own hand." Subaru shook his head. "There hasn't been a day I haven't hated myself," he gasped. "How can you let it go, how can you be this casual?" Subaru's words would have been painted with anger, but they instead sounded hollow and bruised.
"Sumeragi-san, your hands are shaking."
He set down the still full mug. "And you…"
"Look, you're obviously frazzled, Sumeragi-san." He smiled, sadly. "I do miss Kamui. It's my fault I couldn't protect him, and for that…"
"No, don't lie. You feel nothing."
Fuuma looked him in the eye again. "Not by choice."
Subaru was sickened. Fuuma had no idea what he'd gone through, and probably never would. He could feel a tremendous headache coming on, building behind his eyes.
"You should be dead." Subaru said, flatly.
He remembered the final day with perfect clarity, the day he had nearly died, waiting for the promised day's battle to finish. He believed, with all his soul, that if by some miracle the world didn't end, he would protect Kamui every day from then on, as long as they were both alive. The expanding spherical kekkai that had saved his life was Kamui's, and he felt a flash of selfish hope that he and Kamui would be able to help each other heal. He wanted to hug Kamui, comfort him, and tell him it would be all right, and Subaru knew he would never need to be alone again. Fate wouldn't take away someone else he held precious.
But when he reached the tower, it was empty. He spent the next full week searching for Kamui until he decided to check Kotori's grave site, where he found a second plot that he assumed was her older brother's, until he noticed the name inscribed above it. Subaru had not allowed himself to cry, that day. Nor would he allow himself to go Within, as he did when Seishirou-san had died. He had just walked through Ueno that afternoon, smoking, until he finally collapsed against the Tree to sleep.
"You should be dead," he repeated.
In his haze, he barely noticed Fuuma wiping his eyes. The usually even voice cracked as he spoke. "That's…"
Subaru swallowed thickly, a wash of guilt chilling his skin; he had had no right to say that to anyone, even Fuuma. He was on the verge of taking it back when he was interrupted.
"T-That's what I came to talk to you about." His head fell to his palms, muffling his voice. "I should be dead. And I don't expect you to help me, because of what I did, but I really… you're the only one who can help… but you have every right to hate me…" He wiped his eyes, breathing deeply. "I'm not making sense, am I?"
Subaru held silent; even the person who killed Kamui deserved a chance to explain himself.
"I don't know what's happening to me, but I sometimes… black out, and then I wake up, and I don't know what happened."
Subaru looked at him speculatively, as fatigue took over again. "Periodically lose consciousness?" He felt a sudden unwanted stab of sympathy.
"And when I wake up, it's usually in a place, or…" he shuddered, "something I've done." He frowned. "You're an onmyouji, aren't you?"
"You should see a doctor, not a medium. They could help you more than I could."
He laughed detachedly. "It would do no good." He shook his head. "When I wake up… I'm usually where I was when I was the Dragon of Earth's Kamui… And I can't explain it."
"Does that disturb you?" His tone was eclipsed by exhaustion.
"I just… don't feel sorry. It think that was a condition of Kamui's wish… I'm not supposed to feel upset about that year, or something. I remember it all clearly, but…"
"So. You would feel more comfortable if someone were watching you," his eyes were closed, "in case you black out again." Subaru, feeling sick, knew he shouldn't be offering this.
Fuuma nodded, solemnly. "I hate to ask this of you… I just don't know what else to do."
"There's a spare bedroom in the back." Subaru stood, clearing the mugs and plate. He continued speaking as he left the room. "There's one bathroom. Spare key is on the table by the door. Don't worry about rent. I never cook, takeout number is on the fridge." He rinsed their mugs, emptying them. "And don't disturb me while I'm reading or working." Fuuma watched as Subaru left the main area of the apartment. A door closed, quietly.
After a breath, Subaru sank against the bedroom door, holding back tears. He changed into pajamas, skipping a shower, and slipping under a heavy comforter, couldn't decide if he felt more jealousy than hate for the Monou kid to whom he was offering sanctuary.