Coming to an Understanding
By
Snivellus
A/N: I hope you all enjoy this short story. I realize that it skips around a bit, I am sorry
about that, but I wanted to cover certain events. Please write reviews. I love to know
how I am doing in my writing. I am sorry if I spelled Lilly wrong. I could not decide if it
was Lily or Lilly.
It had been three weeks to the day since Sirius Black had vanished behind the
veil, and Remus found himself alone in the Black residence. Remus was not really sure
what he was doing here, but somehow his feet and his heart had guided him here a little
under a week ago.
Sirius Black, haughty, fearless, and loyal, was there for Lupin when others had not. It was Sirius who had helped him with his transformations every month, it was Sirius who stood up for him if anyone doubted his abilities as a wizard. Remus loved Sirius like a brother.
"He shouldn't have gone, he should have stayed like Dumbledore told him to." Lupin spoke aloud in the empty front room.
Lupin limped to the kitchen and reached for the treacle ice cream from the ice chest. It had been four days since his transfiguration, and he had torn at his flesh and ripped at his legs. He took several deep breaths, hoping all the pain would leave, but to Remus's disadvantage, it stayed.
"Oh Sirius, why did you have to leave, Harry needed you! He loved you. How could you be so selfish." Remus asked. His thoughts were quickly disrupted when he heard a large thump coming from the front door. Remus grabbed his wand and walked slowly to the door.
'Who would be here? Especially at..' he glanced at his watch, 'one thirty in the morning?' he thought to himself. Maybe he should just go upstairs, pretend like he wasn't here, but then again, what if this was an intruder?
"Lum.. lum..lumos." A haggard voice spoke from the front room.
Remus walked in slowly still contemplating what to do. Whoever it was, they sounded in pain.
"Who's there!" Lupin shouted towards the small light protruding from the intruder's wand.
"Lupin...what the bloody hell are you doing here?" He spoke evenly and low.
"Snape? Gods you scared the boggart out of me!" Lupin replied as he flicked his wand to bring up the lights.
There, Severus Snape sat on the couch, visibly clutching his left arm to his chest. His hair flowed over his face freely. Remus heard the man's shallow breathing.
"Just...just leave me be. I will be gone in a few minutes." Snape spoke dangerously low.
"Your hurt." Lupin said plainly.
"Aren't you the smart one, now sod off." Snape said looking Lupin in the eye this time.
Lupin softened a bit. Here before him stood his friends' childhood enemy, the one who spoke every snide remark about him as a child. The one who did not want him to teach at Hogwarts. Most importantly, he was the one that Remus almost killed.
"Let me at least help you, it is obvious that you need some." Remus said as he gestured towards the man's left arm.
Severus saw the scratch and bit marks on Lupin's skin and shuttered. He knew that Lupin must have just had a transformation.
He thought back for a brief moment, he was terrified that night. No one cared, of course, but he had never been that petrified before in his life. There were plenty of other things that Severus could be frightened about in his lifetime, and most of them he wished he could change. But that night was a betrayal of the worse kind. Sure, he had said some mean and spiteful things to Potter, Black, Pettigrew, and Lupin; but he had never wanted them dead. What made the whole situation worse was the fact that none of them was expelled over it, his life meant nothing to even the Headmaster.
After that, it had pushed him over the edge. If the Headmaster could disregard the rules, then so would he. He joined Voldermort. He went looking for respect, structure, and rules and punishment. It started out all right, he was called occasionally to provide potions to the Dark Lord, but then things turned dark, and he went to Dumbledore for help, and a way out.
Severus supposed that he could not stay too mad at the Headmaster for not punishing Black; after all, he did belief Severus when he explained his reason for joining the Dark Lord. He did forgive Severus for his foolishness, and even gave him protection and a job. Severus suspected that the Headmaster was trying to make up for his own mistake four-year prior.
Now fifteen years later, Snape devoted his life's work to teaching pathetic sniveling students potions, and collecting as much information as possible about the Dark Lord's plans. He supposed the saying about how things will come back to get you was true. Now he was being punished for breaking the Dark Lord's rules. If it was one thing he learned over the years was first and most life is complicated and rules are made and broken without any regret.
"Snape?" Remus asked half worried.
"What! Can you not just leave me be. It is bad enough you're here. Besides how can I trust someone to help me when they can't even take care of themselves!" Snape bit out.
Remus subconsciously rubbed his scratches, and looked embarrassed. "Fine, I will be upstairs, don't wake the portrait." Remus said turning around walking up the stairs.
Severus looked down at his left arm. The pain was mind numbing. Not only had he been called, but as he was being questioned, the Dark Lord was trying to make him crack under pressure, fortunately for Severus he had quite a bit of experience at this, and was able to resist, but that didn't mean he was able to stop the pain. The Dark Lord had caused his mark to bleed.
Severus thought that he had stopped the bleeding, but now saw blood freely running down his forearm. He muttered a few spells but nothing seemed to stop the bleeding. Severus started to worry. He had already lost quite a bit a blood before arriving at the Order Headquarters, he did not know how much more he could afford to lose before he passed out.
"Wait, Lupin." Severus spoke.
"Yes?" Remus responded.
"If it isn't an inconvenience, do you think you could manage to get me something for my arm?" Severus tried his best to ask politely.
"I don't think there are any potions here that you could use." Remus said as he walked back over to Severus.
"A bandage, anything?" Severus said growing impatient.
"Let me go check, will you be all right?"
"I have gotten myself this far haven't I?" Severus said as if it was an obvious answer.
Severus sat on the couch closing his eyes trying to remember how to brew a swelling solution, anything to take his mind off of the pain. Remus arrived back in a few minutes later with some cotton and a white stretch bandage. Severus could not help but smirk. He could not have pictured this in a million years. Remus Lupin, part werewolf, part wizard playing nurse to the dark and mysterious Potion Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
"This will have to do, it is all that Sirius has here." Remus said, realizing that he had just used the present tense, instead of the past tense, as in "had here".
"Fine, just give it to me, I will do it myself. If you even think about laying a hand on me you will regret it as soon as I can stand up." Severus said seriously.
"Doesn't make you very popular with the ladies I bet?" Remus tried to joke.
"Oh would you just sod off!" Severus said, obviously not in a good mood.
Severus took the bandages and charmed them to wrap tightly around his mark. He sensed Lupin staring at it.
"What are you looking at? I don't sit and stare at you scratch marks, do I?" Severus questioned.
"Sorry, I ..I didn't realize that I was staring." Severus just glared, and finished wrapping his arm.
Remus got up and walked into the kitchen. He came back a few minutes later with a large glass of brandy.
"Here, drink this, I know it isn't one of your potions, but it can work well." Remus offered.
"Perhaps, when I can trust myself not to dispel the contents of my stomach" Severus said in a low voice.
"Do you need anything else?" Remus asked.
"No but you should really put something on your arms, they will get infected, not that I care." He added quickly.
"But I don't think Mr. Potter could stand losing his godfather and his professor in the same month." Severus said casually.
Remus looked at him for a moment. Did Severus Snape just say something without being too terribly sarcastic?
"So does this happen a lot?" Remus asked as the both sat staring at the fire that was burning across from the couch.
"What, talking to you, or being punished?" Severus asked. Remus knew that Severus was feeling better, he was being much more sarcastic, much more Snape's style.
"Being summoned, getting hurt?"
"Getting summoned, occasionally, getting punished, only when I can't prevent it." Severus said, slowly opening his clenched fist, and tried rotating a bit.
"What did he want from you tonight, I mean so much that he would do this" Remus said as he gestured towards Severus' hurt arm.
"It isn't important." Severus said writing it off.
"What has he said about what happened in the ministry?" Remus asked slowly.
"He is livid about Dumbledore coming to save Potter. He punished Lestrange because she showed too much free will in, well you know." Severus said.
"But, I mean I thought He would be pleased." Remus asked feeling a large ball forming in the back of his neck.
"The Dark Lord feels that if Black was taken into custody he would have divulge information that He could have used against Potter." Severus said still looking at the fire, avoiding Lupin's eyes.
"How dare you! You know perfectly well that Sirius would never divulge information, he would have rather died!" Remus shouted partly in anger and partly in pain.
"Well then I guess he got his wish." Severus said.
"You as bad as the Dark Lord, I don't see why, why your even here." Remus said frustrated.
"Do you have any idea what it is like when the Dark Lord enters your mind? Do you?" Severus hissed.
"What are you talking about?" Remus asked.
"Do you know what it is like to be tortured? Frankly it is far better to have fallen through the veil, instead of sitting in a dark room, lying the Dark Lord resurface every regretful thing you have done in your life? Forget about Dementors, fear is conquerable, regret now that you can never escape, nor change."
"Is that what he does?"
"For the most part, along with pain, yes."
"What do you regret?" Remus asked.
There was no answer. Severus was not about to tell his childhood enemy about his life, his regrets.
"I think mine would be not saying goodbye. I regret not telling James, Lily, and now Sirius goodbye." Severus scoffed; obviously almost trying to kill him was not something he regretted.
"Funny, I thought perhaps your regret would be something different." Severus said.
It then dawned on Remus what he was talking about.
"Look, Severus I do regret that very much, I just, my mind has been with Sirius for these past few weeks." Remus tried to apologize.
"Look, forget it, it has already been made painfully clear that none of the Gryffindors has or will ever value a Slytherin life." Severus said.
"Please, and you value a Gryffindor life?" Remus asked.
"I never tried to KILL any of you!" Severus said angrily. He stood up wanting to storm off, but he felt a wave of dizziness wash over him. He could not get his eyes to focus on the floor in front of him. He suddenly felt a pair of arms on his shoulder pushing him back onto the couch.
"I thought I said don't touch me." Severus hissed, rubbing his forehead.
"Look, couldn't we just talk about something civil?" Remus asked a few moments later.
"I have an idea, how about you go in the other room and go back to crying, or whatever it was you were doing in you dead best friend's house by yourself at one thirty in the morning."
"I lost one of my best friends, I am allowed to grieve." Remus said defensively.
"Whatever, I will be out of here as soon as the room stops spinning, then you and I can both have our peace and space."
"If it was your best friend, wouldn't you be sad, I mean what if Lucius died, or another one of your Slytherin friends. Tell me wouldn't you feel upset, knowing you had lived, while others have died?"
"You think Lucius was my friend." Severus asked.
"Well, wasn't he?" Everyone in Gryffindor house knew that Severus had been doing dark magic with Lucius all through out school.
"Just because I would talk to him at breakfast, and we were on the Quidditch team together, doesn't mean we are friends." Severus said.
"You mean, why did I practice dark magic with Lucius? You of all people should know that not all rumors are true. He tutored me in transfigurations. He was Head Boy after all, don't you think that would be a bit stupid of him to practice dark magic right in front of Dumbledore's nose?"
"If you didn't practice your spells with Lucius, then how did you learn all of those spells, especially the Dorantis spell?"
"Let's just say I know first hand what that spell does." Severus said taking his good arm and sweeping his hair off his face.
"But you knew that spell at age 11, you couldn't have possibly have known what that spell did." Remus said again.
"Let me ask you something, did you know Sirius's family, I mean did he ever tell you about them?"
"Not until he said he was going to live with James."
"Did you ever wonder why he never spoke of them?"
"I guess it never came up." Remus admitted.
"He probably never mentioned them, because he hated them, he hated all of their pureblood, mudblood crap, Our parents grew up during Griderwal's time. The believed that half-blood, mudbloods were the product of bad behavior on the part of purebloods.They believed that slowly our powers would detieriate, because there is so much magical capacity in the world, if muggles started to take some of that capacity, then only our destruction would result." Remus sat befuddled. His parents had never told him any of this.
"So did you believe it? Remus asked.
"No, my father did, he though that if we did not know how to do all the basic spells before we went to Hogwarts we would be doomed to fail. He was a lunatic, in my opinion. He had been brainwashed, and tried his best to do the same to us."
"Us? Do you have a brother or sister?" Remus asked confused.
"I had two sisters, twins. They were two years younger than me."
"What happened to them?" Remus asked.
"The died." Severus said looking away, letting his voice slide at the end of his sentence.
"Did you have a mother?"
"Of course I had a mother. She is in St. Mungo's now. My father drove her mad. She lies next to Longbottom's parents. My father, he went to Azkaban. He died in there."
"When was that?" Remus asked.
"I don't even know why I am telling you all of this. I use to hate you. I must have lost quite a bit of blood, because I am clearly not thinking."
"I know you don't have to tell me, and I don't feel like I could offer you anything in return, but I do promise that I will make up for what all three of us did to you in our childhood, that is as long as you remain civil.
I know I should have controlled them, and now that I think about it, maybe that is the thing I regret the most, not standing up to my friends, I was too afraid that they would disown me, and I would not have any friends." Remus confessed.
"As noble as you may think you sound, wolf, you need not make up for the past. The past is gone, it will never come back. What is done is done. I have learned that, after everything I have been through, that is what I have learned."
"So" Remus said trying to fill the empty silence.
"I take it you are taking his death pretty hard, seeing as I smell treacle ice cream on your breath." Severus said.
"How did you know?" Remus asked taken aback.
"I am a potions master, I can identify over 10,000 different types of ingredient combinations. I think I know what treacle ice cream smells like, especially when it is the Headmaster's favorite as well."
"It is? You know a lot about Albus don't you?"
"Yes, quite a great deal I suppose."
"And, he knows a lot about you?" Remus asked again.
"For the most part yes, I am a private man as you know, He does not know everything. He knows what he must." Severus said studying the glass of brandy on the coffee table.
"You are avoiding the question Lupin, Black, is he on your mind?" Severus asked.
"Yes, I suppose, but why would you want to hear about it?" Remus asked.
"I was showing consideration." Snape drawled.
"I am sorry to question you." Remus paused.
"It is just that for so long I thought Sirius was guilty, then when it turned out that he was innocent, I thought finally after 12 years that I wasn't alone. I was not the only one who lost our best friends. There was someone left who believed in me, someone who cared. I know you think Sirius was unforgivably arrogant and cruel, and if I were in your position perhaps I would think the same, but he was my friend."
"Lupin I am in no position to make judgments tonight, I do realize that he was your friend, but.." Severus stopped.
"But what, what were you going to say?" Remus asked.
"But, how can you be friends with someone who, who tried to kill someone, namely me, by using you." He spoke quietly.
Remus closed his eyes and remembered the day after his little stunt.
"Sirius, how could you put him in danger like that, more over how could you put me in that position. You almost had me kill someone! I trusted you."
"Remus, I am sorry, I was just trying to scare him. He is always butting into or business, he needed to learn a lesson."
"A lesson? Sirius, did it ever occur to you that he is a human being, just like us? There must be a reason for his attitude, and I think it mainly has to do with you and James." Remus said his voice slightly shaking.
"Don't tell me your sticking up for the greasy git?"
"Frankly Siruis, I don't think your in any position to say who is sticking up for whom."
There was silence. Sirius knew Remus was right. Sirius had just put his best friend in grave danger.
"Listen Moony, I am sorry, I wasn't thinking. I didn't think anything would happen. After what he said to me, I just wanted to get revenge, but perhaps revenge isn't always the best answer."
"No Padfoot, revenge is not always the right answer." Remus said looking at his best friend.
"Is Snape all right?" Sirius asked.
"I think so, James said that he went to the hospital wing after Dumbledore had talked to the three of them. I will see you later Sirius. I hope you have learned your lesson this time." Remus lectured.
"I have, friends?" Sirius asked tentively looking at his best friend.
"Friends."
"Severus, I suppose I forgave a man who needed to be forgiven, just like Albus forgave you at one time."
"Yes, I suppose so." Severus said as he picked up the glass and took a small sip.
"I have always wanted to ask you something." Remus stated.
"You might as well try your luck tonight, it seems I am too tired to fight it."
"Did you know Peter was helping Voldermort?" Remus asked.
"Do not say his name!" Severus hissed.
"Sorry, did you know?" Remus asked again.
"No never, we do not know the identities of the other members, except for those who share it. For example, I knew Kararoff was a member because I had to work closely with him." Severus took another small swig.
"But, come on now that wasn't the question you were going to ask." Severus said.
"How did you know? Are you using Occumelency?" Remus asked.
"No, but would you like me too?" Severus threatened.
"All right, I wanted to ask you if, after school, did you become friends with Lily Evans?" Remus asked.
"Friends, no, confidants, perhaps." Severus said.
"What do you mean?" Remus asked confused.
"She caught me in the middle of an awkward situation, and I felt obligated to explain."
"What kind of a awkward situation?"
"Let's just say she saw me partly exposed."
"When was that?" Remus asked surprised.
"I was getting dressed in the Hogwart's infirmary after the attack on the Mulligan girl."
"So tell me again why you felt a need to explain?" Remus asked.
"She saw... my scars." Severus drawled.
"From me?" Remus asked.
"From my father, and some from the Dark Lord." Severus said looking into his glass.
"Severus, what did your father do to you?"
"You name it my father did it. I was burned, cursed, hit, kicked, pulled, and verbally abused. Did you not ever wonder where I learned it all?" Severus asked.
"I never thought it was anything that extreme, why didn't you tell someone?"
"If it is one thing I am not, it is weak. I learned to fight my own battles. I could not trust anyone, at least that is what it always felt like."
"No one should have to grow up like that, I am sorry Severus." Remus said seriously.
"Yes, well it is over now. Lilly said something to me that night that helped me. She said that just because I am a product of my father, does not mean that I have to be like my father. We are our own person, only you can decide who you are to become."
"She always was full of wisdom. Gods I miss her." Remus said taking a large drink.
"Despite what I thought of her when we were in school, I think that perhaps I misjudged her. Somehow, I am feeling the same way about you right now." Severus said looking at him.
"I appreciate that Severus, You are a man of true character."
"Yes, well the Headmaster says that I need to show compassion to Harry Potter, but for some reason, I cannot, at least not right now. He will have to prove to me that he is capable of the task that is laid before him." Severus said.
"Did you know that it was Harry who produced that patronus in his third year, the one which drove all of those Dementors away?" Remus asked.
"I heard a rumor of that, but only a very powerful wizard could have produced a patronus that large."
"I assure you it was him."
"Well, lets just hope the famous Harry Potter will be able to conjure up something to rid the world of the Dark Lord." Severus said playing with his empty glass.
Suddenly Remus felt very tired and old. Remus took Severus's empty glass and banished them into the kitchen. He then got up and ruffled his hair.
"I am going to bed Severus, do you need anything?" Remus asked.
"No, I am fine." Severus said, slowly standing up.
"Where are you going?" Remus asked.
"Back to Hogwarts." Severus replied.
"You are in no condition to go back to Hogwarts tonight." Remus said.
"If I do not go, then the Headmaster will start to worry." Severus stated.
"I think he will understand, you need to rest, if you go now you will pass out on the way there."
"I will be fine."
"I will not let you go." Remus said magically locking the door.
"Open the door!" Severus hissed.
"No, goodnight Severus, you may leave in the morning." Remus said as he climbed the stairs.
"You insufferable man!" Severus said sitting back on the couch.
"Goodnight Severus." Remus smiled.
"Goodnight Remus." Severus said laying his body across the couch.
As Severus drifted off to sleep, he remembered that night in the hospital wing.
Rain splattered on the large windows that lined the east side of the infirmary. Severus opened his eyes slowly. It was dark out. Severus guessed it was somewhere around midnight, maybe a little earlier.
As he began to slowly wake up, he realized that he only was in his underpants. Pomfrey must have had to throw away his other clothes, he had spent the greater part of the evening battling a heard of hippogriffs whom had attacked the Mulligan's young daughter. Severus was not sure if the girl was all right or not, but he knew that it was not just a coincidence that seven angry hippogriff showed up at one the largest Muggle supporter's home.
Severus's leg was aching, and his head was throbbing something terrible. He recalled one of the hippogriffs had kicked him hard in the shin and threw him back into a large boulder. Severus sighed, and carefully swung his legs over the side of the bed. Severus searched the darkened room for some clothes when he heard something.
"Madam Pomfrey? Miss Jones at St. Mungo's was wondering if Severus needed any" Severus recognized the voice as belonging to Lilly Evans.
"Oh Severus, um I didn't know you were awake." Lilly said staring awkwardly at his bare skin.
"What are you doing here?" Severus said embarrassed.
"I am sorry, I was just looking for Madame Pomfrey. Severus, what happened?" Lilly asked as she walked closer to him, touching his scars that covered his chest and arms.
"DO NOT TOUCH ME!" Severus yelled, causing Lilly to jump back.
"Sorry, I just..." Lilly stumbled.
Severus looked out the window. Minutes seemed to pass as neither one talked.
"They were from my father, most of them anyway." Severus said still staring out the window.
Lilly gave out a small whimper. Why would anyone do that to his own son.
"He wasn't right in the head. He believed in Pureblood propaganda. He had an arranged marriage with my mother, a Ravenclaw." Severus said quietly.
"Why would he do this to you?"
"He was testing me, he did not believe that any son of his would be weak."
"Severus?" Lillly said as she saw silent tears welling up in his eyes.
"Am I not good enough? Will I never be good enough?" Severus choked.
"Oh Severus, you are a product of your father, not your father himself. No one can make you feel inferior unless you let them." Lilly said handing him a tissue.
"Lilly?" Severus said quietly.
"Yes?"
"Will this ever be over? When will the hatred stop? When can we be looked at as individuals, not a stereotype?"
"Someday Severus, someday. Until then the best we can do is practice equality, I hope for our children's sake it will be over soon." Lilly said as she ran her hand over her flat stomach.
"Your pregnant?" Severus asked.
"Yes, I just found out. I am afraid Severus, James and I picked a horrible time."
"Yes, I suppose you did. I want you to know that I will protect you, and James. I will do the best I can." Severus said now buttoning his shirt that he had found on the adjacent bed.
"Severus, you amaze me, you have changed so much over the last few years. You have grown into a very honorable man."
"I misjudged you, I hope you forgive me." Severus asked.
"I never held it against you, Severus." Lilly said as she gave him a small peck on the cheek.
"You should go get some sleep, you'll need it now." Severus said as he threw on his cloak.
"Where are you going?" Lilly asked.
"I have something I must do." Severus said.
"At 11 o'clock at night?" Lilly asked again.
"Yes, it cannot wait."
"Be careful, your still not quite healed yet. The bones I set, they aren't done healing yet." Lilly said.
"You? You healed me?" Severus asked.
"I was the only one here, Pomfrey was with Elisabeth." Lilly explained.
"How is the Mulligan girl?" Severus asked.
"She will be fine. She is at St. Mungo's right now."
"Good, now I must go. Thank you Lilly, for everything." Severus said as he held her shoulders and looked into her eyes.
Those green eyes will forever haunt him. Harry Potter has his mother's eyes, and those who knew her will never forget them. It is difficult to know you have outlived your classmates and friends. For Remus and Severus, they perhaps were the closest to those who have died, and now they were the only ones who remained. Remus looked down on Severus, and realized that for the first time since they had met as acquaintances, they had finally come to an understanding as friends.