From Scratch
Chapter 11
Jacen was expecting her when Tenel Ka stormed into the cockpit. Her body was tense, belying her agitation. "Come to grace the commoner with your presence, your Highness?"
She slapped a bag down in his lap, but he didn't even jump. "Did you know?"
"That Jana packed you clothes? She mentioned it."
Tenel Ka's eyes narrowed. "You did not aid her?"
"No." he examined the bag on his lap curiously. "What, did she pack you less than functional clothing?"
Tenel Ka looked at him critically, judging his sincerity. From the curious expression on his face, she was almost certain he had no foreknowledge of that was in the bag. And, if possible, she wanted to keep it that way. "They are... less than adequate."
Jacen reached for the fasteners on the bag but she yanked it from his lap and hid it behind her. She really didn't want him opening it if he didn't already know what was in it.
"Oh come on, they can't be that bad."
She wouldn't, couldn't, meet his gaze as she felt the color creeping up her neck. How was she going to get out of this? "They are worse."
He grinned, unable to resist teasing her. "I guess asking you to model something for me is out of the question then."
He wasn't prepared for her reaction to his teasing question. She reared back from him, as if he'd struck her, her eyes widening with shock as her jaw dropped and heat suffused her face. Her throat worked but no sound came out as she stared at him, frozen.
Jacen blinked, doing a double take. Nope, he wasn't imagining things, Tenel Ka really was shocked beyond belief. Whatever Jana had packed must be incredibly offensive. Offensive to whom was the question. His curiosity peaked, he grabbed for the bag, intending to take a quick peek, but she reacted and he caught a handful of her belt instead. She fell into his lap without a sound, the bag and her hand caught in his lap. He froze, her hand high on his thigh and pressing into the muscle as she curled to absorb the impact.
Bad idea. This was a very bad idea. He swallowed hard as her curled fingers bit into the tense skin, rubbing too close, way too close. He wanted to shift, to change her position, but he was worried if he moved her hand would slip and then he couldn't be held responsible for his actions.
His gaze met hers and he could read the knowledge in her eyes. She knew the reality of their situation, the precarious position she was in. Her fingers flexed around the bag, digging further into his thigh and he groaned softly. Her touch was torture, however unintentional, and his hands convulsed around her waist, holding her in place. "For Force sakes, don't move." He begged, his voice husky, almost breaking.
She was still in his lap, fighting the urge to shift to a new position. She couldn't breathe. His nearness, her reaction of being so close to his bare chest was playing havoc with her nervous system. Conflicting desires, to get up and to move closer, warred in her mind. His breath whispered across the bare skin of her shoulder and she shuddered. Slowly, ever so slowly, she blinked, trying to free herself from the mesmerizing brandy of his eyes, but failing. The tip of her tongue slipped out to wet her suddenly dry lips as his gaze dropped to her mouth, breaking the eye contact.
Jacen watched as her tongue slid sensuously over her lips, his head coming down slowly though he fought against it. Kissing her right now was a bad idea. A very bad idea in their current position. He met her gaze again, briefly and her hand moved again, giving him pause. That touch, so intimately close and yet so far, was inflaming him like nothing else. The fact that she hadn't meant to do it, that their contact was an innocent mistake, simply heightened the tension flowing between them. One of them had to break. He looked back to her mouth, watching her lower lip move as she inhaled sharply. Her lips opened and closed a couple of times, almost in reaction to his look, and his head came closer.
Tenel Ka couldn't move. She was frozen in place, caught in his eyes, his hands spanning her waist as his head came closer. Sweat broke out on her forehead, as if she'd run a twenty mile trek and she licked her lips again. She was burning up, an inner fire licking its way to the surface ready to explode. She knew, as his lips stopped bare millimeters from hers, in a sudden burst of clarity, that Jacen's kiss would send those flames into a raging, burning inferno. His gaze searched her, his breath feathering softly across her lips and she licked them again, the tip of her tongue grazing his mouth. He groaned low in his throat, seeming to lose his inner struggle as his mouth descended on hers.
She exploded. Flames burst into raging fires, licking through her system and threatening to burn her up in the resulting inferno. His lips were possessive, branding in their intensity, demanding and receiving her response. She arched into his touch as one of his hands slid up her side, stopping just shy of becoming intimate. An almost mockery of where her hand was trapped high on his thigh. She opened her mouth to him, allowing him to deepen the kiss as his other hand slid into her hair and cradled the back of her head. Unable to touch him, she couldn't fight the need to clench her fingers and every move brought a groan or gasp from him. She wanted to touch him, to hold him too her, but she couldn't. She was spread out in his lap, his for the taking, as the fires raced through her body. She was powerless to stop the out of control sensation, her control failing her for the first time in twenty three years, and she didn't care. Jacen was all that mattered. His touch, his kiss and the way she was burning up.
Jacen felt her control slide, felt her give it up without a fight, and almost slid from the chair. He could taste passion and desire on her tongue, the demand for more, yet the innocence of not knowing what she was asking for. He continued to kiss her, his own control barely hanging on by a thread. He had to stop. Her hand flexed again against his thigh and he tore his mouth from hers. His breathing was ragged as he grabbed her about the waist and lifted her from him, settling her, before she could react, in the co-pilot's chair.
Her face registered her shock, and Jacen was in no position to appreciate the fact that, for once, he could read everything she was feeling on her face. Her defenses had completely crumbled in that one kiss. Shaken inside, and deeply humbled, he worked his jaw, trying to find something to say. She was staring at him, her gray eyes speaking of things he couldn't imagine if he wanted to win her eventually. Physical persuasion was all well and good, but he wanted more than that. Their relationship had to be more; it always had been. He turned away, staring sightlessly out the view port. Her expression stayed with him. Her shock, the innocence of her kiss and the unbridled desire that would have sent him to his knees if he'd been standing. Her emotions had all shaken lose in that kiss and it had thrown him for a loop.
Tenel Ka stared at Jacen, her mind reeling. What had just happened? She was fighting for control, fighting to find the barriers of indifference and strength she was so accustomed to. Yet, she couldn't seem to. They were nowhere to be found. Suddenly terrified, she pushed herself to her feet and fled from the cockpit. She couldn't face him, couldn't talk to him, until she was once again in control of herself. She fled to the bedroom, locking the door behind her, throwing the bag of skimpy cloth into the closet before shutting that door with a slam. She was trembling, shaking violently, from his kiss and touch. She'd wanted him more than she'd ever wanted anything in her life. She swallowed hard. Was this passion? She lifted her hand and covered her racing heart, closing her eyes as she fought for focus.
It was a long, long time in coming.
Jacen was still in the cockpit when the ship dropped from hyperspace and Karrde's people showed up less than ten minutes later. How had he let things get so far, so fast? He shook his head to clear it as the comm. crackled to life. He barely heard the order to identify himself and winced when his voice, husky from the desire still swimming through his system, came out. He cleared his throat, bringing his voice back to a semblance of normal, hoping the regular comm. static would hide the nuances in his tone. Karrde's people identified themselves, Aves or someone, and Jacen allowed them to dock.
He pushed himself from the chair, finding enough focus to check on Tenel Ka through the Force. She was a blaze of emotions she couldn't even begin to shield. He winced. Her confusion was an almost palatable thing and he felt guilty. He hadn't meant to confuse her, to break her careful control. He sighed. He'd have to offer her an apology... once his physical discomfort had been controlled.
He headed for the cargo bay, where the docking clamps were, and checked the identities of the people docking with the ship. Yes. They were Karrde's people. He crouched next to the Sturm, rubbing the animal's head affectionately. It was whimpering, as if in pain. "I'm sorry about the explosion a while ago." He told it softly. "If I'd known that was going to happen, I would have stayed even farther away from her than I tried to."
Sturm whined, his head coming around as the clamps securely attached to the hull. Jacen rose, willing himself into control. It was difficult, but he managed. Striding across the bay, he stopped by the door and checked the seal monitors. He activated the lock on the main cargo bay door before opening the seal and stepping back. Two men, both lanky, stepped forward. They didn't speak, simply looked at Jacen, one rather suspiciously, but went about their task.
Jacen stayed out of their way, his focus more on what Tenel Ka was feeling two rooms over than what the two men were doing with the vornskr. She was angry with herself. He could feel it radiating from her like a supernova. Angry for losing control, angry for giving in and most of all angry for allowing her defenses down. Jacen frowned, waiting until the vornskr and its things had been removed before sealing the cargo bay again. They had to talk, but after such an intense moment, could they simply talk without physical contact? He swallowed hard. No. He didn't have the self-control to simply speak with her without wanting her and needing to do something about it. For the first time, Jacen was beginning to think stealing Tenel Ka away so he could convince her was a bad idea. At the end of this, what if it was he who compromised everything? From the effect she had on him, he was starting to think that wasn't such a far-fetched idea.
He headed back towards the cockpit to get them on their way again. When they were back in hyperspace, he'd have to meditate. He needed self-control, needed it badly, and the Force was the only thing he could turn to for help.
Tenel Ka sat motionless in the center of the bedroom floor, her legs crossed, her hand resting loosely on one knee. Her breathing was deep and even, her mind focused completely inwards. She was searching for focus, for control; for answers. What was it about Jacen that made her react so? It went beyond the physical, their long association and mutual respect playing a large part in the attraction, but what else?
Locked inside her mind, she carefully replayed everything she knew about Jacen and about their relationship. From the day she'd first seen him, his first joke, the fateful duel in which she'd lost her left arm, to the necklace he'd given her almost four years ago. She observed herself analytically, almost with a detached sense of watching someone else's life and feeling someone else's emotions. She moved beyond her life at the academy to his adamant objection of her return to Hapes. He'd been against separating the group of friends. If she was honest with herself, and she always was, she hadn't wanted to be separated from him either. Jacen and she had formed a tight bond that went beyond friendship. It was then, before she'd left, that Jacen and she had shared their first real kiss.
Real in the sense that they hadn't been holding anything back and his lips promising her things she'd known were impossible even then. But she'd never stopped dreaming. She'd never been one to dream, yet, during the long nights away from him, their separation lasting just over a year, she'd dreamed of him every night. He'd haunted her dreams as if he were a specter, rather than a flesh and blood man. She'd spent much of that year on the run before the Yuuzhan Vong had made their first strike. Many on her world, her own extended family included, had wanted her dead. It was a fact and little emotion followed the thoughts.
Jacen however... too much emotion surrounded him. The first time he'd made her laugh and seen her cry. His presence always filling her with contentment and peace, yet a burning need for something she couldn't identify. Why him? Why not someone she could willingly mould into the kind of consort her people needed?
She mentally shook of that thought, determined to simply review her life for the moment. Her thoughts went back to her first reunion with him after a year's separation. She'd smiled then. A very faint tilt of the lips, but a smile none the less. She'd been thrilled to see him, yet hidden it. They'd both fallen into a pattern, as if they'd been separated for days instead of months. It had been familiar, and yet strangely different. Their relationship had begun to slowly shift into something more than a close friendship.
Then the fateful mission where they'd been separated and no one knew if he was alive or dead. The mission where they'd lost Anakin. She found the death of the young Jedi, now that he had returned, still had the power to sting. Yet it was the hours following that fight that she remembered most clearly. The desperate need to go back for Jacen, but knowing she couldn't help. The helplessness, the fear and most of all the knowledge that something was terribly wrong. She'd known he was in danger and been unable to lend even her mental support to him.
She braced herself mentally as she carefully opened the darkest memory she had. Jacen's death. The feel of him gently caressing her through the Force, as if to say he was sorry and then nothing. That awful nothingness that had permeated her system. She'd known then that a part of her had died. She'd lost control, complete control, when she'd lashed out in denial. Even then, knowing that he was gone, she hadn't believed it. She'd needed proof. A body, a message, anything. Something to prove that he truly wasn't going to return. She'd never gotten it. It had been the year from hell. She'd had to assume the throne when her mother had been brutally taken from her by her grandmother's treachery.
She'd been forced to assume the duties of office and push every personal consideration to the background. She'd never dealt with Jacen's death, not really. She'd spent that year simply a shell of her former self. Oh, it hadn't shown on the outside, but she'd felt it. Her zest for life was missing, the drive that had always been there was gone. She'd wanted nothing more than to run away, to find some place secluded enough that she could pour out her grief to the stars, but the chance had never arisen. Too many responsibilities had contributed to a wall of emotion so thick she'd blocked herself off from the grief of losing him completely. She hadn't been able to deal with it and so never had.
She shied away from that year without him. The haunting dreams, the yearnings and sorrow that had followed her through every hour of the day. The sensation of knowing he was around but never being able to see him. And, finally, her first meeting with him again, on Calamari, shortly after his return. Her emotions had been carefully controlled ever since, lest someone realize exactly how much she felt for him. She'd shielded her love for him, the yearning, under duty. She'd thrown herself back into her work and thrived only when she'd received the holo letters from him. She went over the morning she'd found him sleeping, having barged in when he wasn't expecting her, and felt the embarrassment and, undeniable excitement of catching him in the buff. She'd never expected to see him like that, not beyond her dreams, and those had always been vague. Now, though, her dreams were vivid portrayals of Jacen taking her in his arms, his hands sliding across her body sensuously, igniting fires and...
She turned the thoughts away, moving beyond the remembered dreams and sensations, focusing on her encounters with him before her kidnapping. The thrills he'd caused, the jump in her heart. She'd had trouble breathing around him when she'd found him in formal dress at the celebration. She'd never expected to see him in uniform and it had thrown her for a loop. He was handsome, dashing, and the man she'd lost her heart to as a young girl. How was she supposed to fight him now? She couldn't remember a time when she hadn't wanted to be married to him. She'd thought about it, dreamt it, even planned it in one of her weaker moments, but never believed it could ever come true. She knew the reality of her situation and had long since vowed never to subject Jacen to that indignity.
And now? She reluctantly allowed herself to think of the moments on board the ship in the last two days that she'd shared with Jacen. There was a tension between them she could feel, yet it wasn't strain. It wasn't the tension of anger or annoyance, though she'd felt those emotions plenty. It was something else, frustration of some kind that she couldn't name. The emotions and longings emerged every time she saw him, felt his eyes on her, or when they touched. She fought off the urges that were beginning to rise through her system with the memories. It was these urges, these out of control sensations, that should have given her pause and warned against everything Jacen stood for. She believed in order and control, so did he to a degree, yet he was putting his desires above those of the greater good. Slowly, her control began to rebuild and she wondered what good it was.
Could she live like that? Calmly controlled in public, the unruffled monarch anyone could speak with and embrace the passion of Jacen's touch, his kiss, in private? She didn't think she could. Control was essential to her, a part of her character, and without it she was lost. Slowly she came out of her meditation, the vibrations of the ship's engines seeming to have ended. She frowned, looking around and her stomach growled noisily. How long had she been sitting on the floor? She lifted her head and the muscles protested against the movement, causing her neck to spasm slightly. She moved slowly, feeling the soreness in her legs and back as she carefully unfolded herself. From the stiffness in her body, she judged she'd been meditating for the better part of a day, if not more, but why would the engines have stopped? She slowly reached out with the Force and froze. Nothing. Jacen's presence suddenly revealed itself a half second later and she was shocked to feel it outside the ship. What was going on?
Slowly, she stretched out her muscles and allowed them the chance to get used to movement again before she checked the door. It had been unlocked, but Jacen hadn't disrupted her. She palmed it open and stepped into the hallway. The sounds assailed her first. The howl of feral beasts somewhere in the distance, the faint crackling of a fire. The smell of something freshly killed made her mouth water and her stomach clench painfully. She was hungry, as if she hadn't eaten in days. She walked to the cargo bay, finding the main doors wide open.
"Find what you were looking for?"
She spun, dropping into a low crouch as his voice came from somewhere in the shadows. Unable to spot him, she reached out with the Force, finding him just inside the doors. She turned towards him, her face impassive. "Yes."
"Good. Dinner's almost ready. I wasn't sure if you were going to come out of that meditation anytime soon, but I made enough for two."
She stepped into the main doors and looked out into the darkness. Stars glittered in the night sky, strange looking trees and plants covering the surrounding area. Jacen seemed to have landed them safely in a clearing, two high, irregular walls, covered in green, forming makeshift barriers. She started to step out into the night but Jacen's hand caught her elbow. "I wouldn't go out there just yet."
She looked at him questioningly, a little unsettled at being unable to see his features. "Why?"
Jacen nodded to the campfire, where several slender branches, each about six feet long, lay. As she watched they suddenly shifted, becoming almost fluid as they began to slither across the ground. They moved out of her view and she turned her gaze back to him. "Are those what I think they are?"
He nodded, stepping into the light, his face serious. "Welcome to the world formerly known as Coruscant, Tenel Ka. Welcome to Yuuzhan'tar."
Chapter 11
Jacen was expecting her when Tenel Ka stormed into the cockpit. Her body was tense, belying her agitation. "Come to grace the commoner with your presence, your Highness?"
She slapped a bag down in his lap, but he didn't even jump. "Did you know?"
"That Jana packed you clothes? She mentioned it."
Tenel Ka's eyes narrowed. "You did not aid her?"
"No." he examined the bag on his lap curiously. "What, did she pack you less than functional clothing?"
Tenel Ka looked at him critically, judging his sincerity. From the curious expression on his face, she was almost certain he had no foreknowledge of that was in the bag. And, if possible, she wanted to keep it that way. "They are... less than adequate."
Jacen reached for the fasteners on the bag but she yanked it from his lap and hid it behind her. She really didn't want him opening it if he didn't already know what was in it.
"Oh come on, they can't be that bad."
She wouldn't, couldn't, meet his gaze as she felt the color creeping up her neck. How was she going to get out of this? "They are worse."
He grinned, unable to resist teasing her. "I guess asking you to model something for me is out of the question then."
He wasn't prepared for her reaction to his teasing question. She reared back from him, as if he'd struck her, her eyes widening with shock as her jaw dropped and heat suffused her face. Her throat worked but no sound came out as she stared at him, frozen.
Jacen blinked, doing a double take. Nope, he wasn't imagining things, Tenel Ka really was shocked beyond belief. Whatever Jana had packed must be incredibly offensive. Offensive to whom was the question. His curiosity peaked, he grabbed for the bag, intending to take a quick peek, but she reacted and he caught a handful of her belt instead. She fell into his lap without a sound, the bag and her hand caught in his lap. He froze, her hand high on his thigh and pressing into the muscle as she curled to absorb the impact.
Bad idea. This was a very bad idea. He swallowed hard as her curled fingers bit into the tense skin, rubbing too close, way too close. He wanted to shift, to change her position, but he was worried if he moved her hand would slip and then he couldn't be held responsible for his actions.
His gaze met hers and he could read the knowledge in her eyes. She knew the reality of their situation, the precarious position she was in. Her fingers flexed around the bag, digging further into his thigh and he groaned softly. Her touch was torture, however unintentional, and his hands convulsed around her waist, holding her in place. "For Force sakes, don't move." He begged, his voice husky, almost breaking.
She was still in his lap, fighting the urge to shift to a new position. She couldn't breathe. His nearness, her reaction of being so close to his bare chest was playing havoc with her nervous system. Conflicting desires, to get up and to move closer, warred in her mind. His breath whispered across the bare skin of her shoulder and she shuddered. Slowly, ever so slowly, she blinked, trying to free herself from the mesmerizing brandy of his eyes, but failing. The tip of her tongue slipped out to wet her suddenly dry lips as his gaze dropped to her mouth, breaking the eye contact.
Jacen watched as her tongue slid sensuously over her lips, his head coming down slowly though he fought against it. Kissing her right now was a bad idea. A very bad idea in their current position. He met her gaze again, briefly and her hand moved again, giving him pause. That touch, so intimately close and yet so far, was inflaming him like nothing else. The fact that she hadn't meant to do it, that their contact was an innocent mistake, simply heightened the tension flowing between them. One of them had to break. He looked back to her mouth, watching her lower lip move as she inhaled sharply. Her lips opened and closed a couple of times, almost in reaction to his look, and his head came closer.
Tenel Ka couldn't move. She was frozen in place, caught in his eyes, his hands spanning her waist as his head came closer. Sweat broke out on her forehead, as if she'd run a twenty mile trek and she licked her lips again. She was burning up, an inner fire licking its way to the surface ready to explode. She knew, as his lips stopped bare millimeters from hers, in a sudden burst of clarity, that Jacen's kiss would send those flames into a raging, burning inferno. His gaze searched her, his breath feathering softly across her lips and she licked them again, the tip of her tongue grazing his mouth. He groaned low in his throat, seeming to lose his inner struggle as his mouth descended on hers.
She exploded. Flames burst into raging fires, licking through her system and threatening to burn her up in the resulting inferno. His lips were possessive, branding in their intensity, demanding and receiving her response. She arched into his touch as one of his hands slid up her side, stopping just shy of becoming intimate. An almost mockery of where her hand was trapped high on his thigh. She opened her mouth to him, allowing him to deepen the kiss as his other hand slid into her hair and cradled the back of her head. Unable to touch him, she couldn't fight the need to clench her fingers and every move brought a groan or gasp from him. She wanted to touch him, to hold him too her, but she couldn't. She was spread out in his lap, his for the taking, as the fires raced through her body. She was powerless to stop the out of control sensation, her control failing her for the first time in twenty three years, and she didn't care. Jacen was all that mattered. His touch, his kiss and the way she was burning up.
Jacen felt her control slide, felt her give it up without a fight, and almost slid from the chair. He could taste passion and desire on her tongue, the demand for more, yet the innocence of not knowing what she was asking for. He continued to kiss her, his own control barely hanging on by a thread. He had to stop. Her hand flexed again against his thigh and he tore his mouth from hers. His breathing was ragged as he grabbed her about the waist and lifted her from him, settling her, before she could react, in the co-pilot's chair.
Her face registered her shock, and Jacen was in no position to appreciate the fact that, for once, he could read everything she was feeling on her face. Her defenses had completely crumbled in that one kiss. Shaken inside, and deeply humbled, he worked his jaw, trying to find something to say. She was staring at him, her gray eyes speaking of things he couldn't imagine if he wanted to win her eventually. Physical persuasion was all well and good, but he wanted more than that. Their relationship had to be more; it always had been. He turned away, staring sightlessly out the view port. Her expression stayed with him. Her shock, the innocence of her kiss and the unbridled desire that would have sent him to his knees if he'd been standing. Her emotions had all shaken lose in that kiss and it had thrown him for a loop.
Tenel Ka stared at Jacen, her mind reeling. What had just happened? She was fighting for control, fighting to find the barriers of indifference and strength she was so accustomed to. Yet, she couldn't seem to. They were nowhere to be found. Suddenly terrified, she pushed herself to her feet and fled from the cockpit. She couldn't face him, couldn't talk to him, until she was once again in control of herself. She fled to the bedroom, locking the door behind her, throwing the bag of skimpy cloth into the closet before shutting that door with a slam. She was trembling, shaking violently, from his kiss and touch. She'd wanted him more than she'd ever wanted anything in her life. She swallowed hard. Was this passion? She lifted her hand and covered her racing heart, closing her eyes as she fought for focus.
It was a long, long time in coming.
Jacen was still in the cockpit when the ship dropped from hyperspace and Karrde's people showed up less than ten minutes later. How had he let things get so far, so fast? He shook his head to clear it as the comm. crackled to life. He barely heard the order to identify himself and winced when his voice, husky from the desire still swimming through his system, came out. He cleared his throat, bringing his voice back to a semblance of normal, hoping the regular comm. static would hide the nuances in his tone. Karrde's people identified themselves, Aves or someone, and Jacen allowed them to dock.
He pushed himself from the chair, finding enough focus to check on Tenel Ka through the Force. She was a blaze of emotions she couldn't even begin to shield. He winced. Her confusion was an almost palatable thing and he felt guilty. He hadn't meant to confuse her, to break her careful control. He sighed. He'd have to offer her an apology... once his physical discomfort had been controlled.
He headed for the cargo bay, where the docking clamps were, and checked the identities of the people docking with the ship. Yes. They were Karrde's people. He crouched next to the Sturm, rubbing the animal's head affectionately. It was whimpering, as if in pain. "I'm sorry about the explosion a while ago." He told it softly. "If I'd known that was going to happen, I would have stayed even farther away from her than I tried to."
Sturm whined, his head coming around as the clamps securely attached to the hull. Jacen rose, willing himself into control. It was difficult, but he managed. Striding across the bay, he stopped by the door and checked the seal monitors. He activated the lock on the main cargo bay door before opening the seal and stepping back. Two men, both lanky, stepped forward. They didn't speak, simply looked at Jacen, one rather suspiciously, but went about their task.
Jacen stayed out of their way, his focus more on what Tenel Ka was feeling two rooms over than what the two men were doing with the vornskr. She was angry with herself. He could feel it radiating from her like a supernova. Angry for losing control, angry for giving in and most of all angry for allowing her defenses down. Jacen frowned, waiting until the vornskr and its things had been removed before sealing the cargo bay again. They had to talk, but after such an intense moment, could they simply talk without physical contact? He swallowed hard. No. He didn't have the self-control to simply speak with her without wanting her and needing to do something about it. For the first time, Jacen was beginning to think stealing Tenel Ka away so he could convince her was a bad idea. At the end of this, what if it was he who compromised everything? From the effect she had on him, he was starting to think that wasn't such a far-fetched idea.
He headed back towards the cockpit to get them on their way again. When they were back in hyperspace, he'd have to meditate. He needed self-control, needed it badly, and the Force was the only thing he could turn to for help.
Tenel Ka sat motionless in the center of the bedroom floor, her legs crossed, her hand resting loosely on one knee. Her breathing was deep and even, her mind focused completely inwards. She was searching for focus, for control; for answers. What was it about Jacen that made her react so? It went beyond the physical, their long association and mutual respect playing a large part in the attraction, but what else?
Locked inside her mind, she carefully replayed everything she knew about Jacen and about their relationship. From the day she'd first seen him, his first joke, the fateful duel in which she'd lost her left arm, to the necklace he'd given her almost four years ago. She observed herself analytically, almost with a detached sense of watching someone else's life and feeling someone else's emotions. She moved beyond her life at the academy to his adamant objection of her return to Hapes. He'd been against separating the group of friends. If she was honest with herself, and she always was, she hadn't wanted to be separated from him either. Jacen and she had formed a tight bond that went beyond friendship. It was then, before she'd left, that Jacen and she had shared their first real kiss.
Real in the sense that they hadn't been holding anything back and his lips promising her things she'd known were impossible even then. But she'd never stopped dreaming. She'd never been one to dream, yet, during the long nights away from him, their separation lasting just over a year, she'd dreamed of him every night. He'd haunted her dreams as if he were a specter, rather than a flesh and blood man. She'd spent much of that year on the run before the Yuuzhan Vong had made their first strike. Many on her world, her own extended family included, had wanted her dead. It was a fact and little emotion followed the thoughts.
Jacen however... too much emotion surrounded him. The first time he'd made her laugh and seen her cry. His presence always filling her with contentment and peace, yet a burning need for something she couldn't identify. Why him? Why not someone she could willingly mould into the kind of consort her people needed?
She mentally shook of that thought, determined to simply review her life for the moment. Her thoughts went back to her first reunion with him after a year's separation. She'd smiled then. A very faint tilt of the lips, but a smile none the less. She'd been thrilled to see him, yet hidden it. They'd both fallen into a pattern, as if they'd been separated for days instead of months. It had been familiar, and yet strangely different. Their relationship had begun to slowly shift into something more than a close friendship.
Then the fateful mission where they'd been separated and no one knew if he was alive or dead. The mission where they'd lost Anakin. She found the death of the young Jedi, now that he had returned, still had the power to sting. Yet it was the hours following that fight that she remembered most clearly. The desperate need to go back for Jacen, but knowing she couldn't help. The helplessness, the fear and most of all the knowledge that something was terribly wrong. She'd known he was in danger and been unable to lend even her mental support to him.
She braced herself mentally as she carefully opened the darkest memory she had. Jacen's death. The feel of him gently caressing her through the Force, as if to say he was sorry and then nothing. That awful nothingness that had permeated her system. She'd known then that a part of her had died. She'd lost control, complete control, when she'd lashed out in denial. Even then, knowing that he was gone, she hadn't believed it. She'd needed proof. A body, a message, anything. Something to prove that he truly wasn't going to return. She'd never gotten it. It had been the year from hell. She'd had to assume the throne when her mother had been brutally taken from her by her grandmother's treachery.
She'd been forced to assume the duties of office and push every personal consideration to the background. She'd never dealt with Jacen's death, not really. She'd spent that year simply a shell of her former self. Oh, it hadn't shown on the outside, but she'd felt it. Her zest for life was missing, the drive that had always been there was gone. She'd wanted nothing more than to run away, to find some place secluded enough that she could pour out her grief to the stars, but the chance had never arisen. Too many responsibilities had contributed to a wall of emotion so thick she'd blocked herself off from the grief of losing him completely. She hadn't been able to deal with it and so never had.
She shied away from that year without him. The haunting dreams, the yearnings and sorrow that had followed her through every hour of the day. The sensation of knowing he was around but never being able to see him. And, finally, her first meeting with him again, on Calamari, shortly after his return. Her emotions had been carefully controlled ever since, lest someone realize exactly how much she felt for him. She'd shielded her love for him, the yearning, under duty. She'd thrown herself back into her work and thrived only when she'd received the holo letters from him. She went over the morning she'd found him sleeping, having barged in when he wasn't expecting her, and felt the embarrassment and, undeniable excitement of catching him in the buff. She'd never expected to see him like that, not beyond her dreams, and those had always been vague. Now, though, her dreams were vivid portrayals of Jacen taking her in his arms, his hands sliding across her body sensuously, igniting fires and...
She turned the thoughts away, moving beyond the remembered dreams and sensations, focusing on her encounters with him before her kidnapping. The thrills he'd caused, the jump in her heart. She'd had trouble breathing around him when she'd found him in formal dress at the celebration. She'd never expected to see him in uniform and it had thrown her for a loop. He was handsome, dashing, and the man she'd lost her heart to as a young girl. How was she supposed to fight him now? She couldn't remember a time when she hadn't wanted to be married to him. She'd thought about it, dreamt it, even planned it in one of her weaker moments, but never believed it could ever come true. She knew the reality of her situation and had long since vowed never to subject Jacen to that indignity.
And now? She reluctantly allowed herself to think of the moments on board the ship in the last two days that she'd shared with Jacen. There was a tension between them she could feel, yet it wasn't strain. It wasn't the tension of anger or annoyance, though she'd felt those emotions plenty. It was something else, frustration of some kind that she couldn't name. The emotions and longings emerged every time she saw him, felt his eyes on her, or when they touched. She fought off the urges that were beginning to rise through her system with the memories. It was these urges, these out of control sensations, that should have given her pause and warned against everything Jacen stood for. She believed in order and control, so did he to a degree, yet he was putting his desires above those of the greater good. Slowly, her control began to rebuild and she wondered what good it was.
Could she live like that? Calmly controlled in public, the unruffled monarch anyone could speak with and embrace the passion of Jacen's touch, his kiss, in private? She didn't think she could. Control was essential to her, a part of her character, and without it she was lost. Slowly she came out of her meditation, the vibrations of the ship's engines seeming to have ended. She frowned, looking around and her stomach growled noisily. How long had she been sitting on the floor? She lifted her head and the muscles protested against the movement, causing her neck to spasm slightly. She moved slowly, feeling the soreness in her legs and back as she carefully unfolded herself. From the stiffness in her body, she judged she'd been meditating for the better part of a day, if not more, but why would the engines have stopped? She slowly reached out with the Force and froze. Nothing. Jacen's presence suddenly revealed itself a half second later and she was shocked to feel it outside the ship. What was going on?
Slowly, she stretched out her muscles and allowed them the chance to get used to movement again before she checked the door. It had been unlocked, but Jacen hadn't disrupted her. She palmed it open and stepped into the hallway. The sounds assailed her first. The howl of feral beasts somewhere in the distance, the faint crackling of a fire. The smell of something freshly killed made her mouth water and her stomach clench painfully. She was hungry, as if she hadn't eaten in days. She walked to the cargo bay, finding the main doors wide open.
"Find what you were looking for?"
She spun, dropping into a low crouch as his voice came from somewhere in the shadows. Unable to spot him, she reached out with the Force, finding him just inside the doors. She turned towards him, her face impassive. "Yes."
"Good. Dinner's almost ready. I wasn't sure if you were going to come out of that meditation anytime soon, but I made enough for two."
She stepped into the main doors and looked out into the darkness. Stars glittered in the night sky, strange looking trees and plants covering the surrounding area. Jacen seemed to have landed them safely in a clearing, two high, irregular walls, covered in green, forming makeshift barriers. She started to step out into the night but Jacen's hand caught her elbow. "I wouldn't go out there just yet."
She looked at him questioningly, a little unsettled at being unable to see his features. "Why?"
Jacen nodded to the campfire, where several slender branches, each about six feet long, lay. As she watched they suddenly shifted, becoming almost fluid as they began to slither across the ground. They moved out of her view and she turned her gaze back to him. "Are those what I think they are?"
He nodded, stepping into the light, his face serious. "Welcome to the world formerly known as Coruscant, Tenel Ka. Welcome to Yuuzhan'tar."