A/N: To those who didn't understand/read No Regrets, the intro describes Sanzo's feelings after the end of No Regrets - and now we jump back to that night... *cue for lighting and thunder*
Anyway, thank you for the reviews! *hugs* This is exactly the same scene as chapter 1 of No Regrets - just from Sanzo's point of view! I'm really enjoying writing this... wish I had more time on my hands... *sighs* I've just realized that No Regrets reads more like a letter, while this seems to still be in confession form - I always end up reading it aloud... lol... ^^ Next chapter the division begins!! Wonder what's going to happen... *glances at Kaida* my damn muse won't tell me yet... *pouts*
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Chapter 1
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I remember walking up to your room quietly, easing open the door to find you awake, sitting on your bed, blinking at me in surprise. The constant hum of the rain on the rooftop rankled my very being, and I stood there looking at you with mixed emotions for a few moments.
You smiled at me hopefully and I could see the innocent longing in your eyes for things to return to how they once had been. But I had changed, I could not let you any closer to my heart without suffering the consequences, so instead of smiling I smirked.
I had no idea at that moment what I would shortly be doing. I had just decided to come and smirk at your innocence, to make fun of you and then tell you off for waking me up. But when a startled look of sorrow crossed your face, an unexpected flush of pleasure filled my body, made me want to see you suffer some more. I forced a friendly smile and you grinned back. My heart almost wrenched at the sight. How naïve you were, how gullible! That was what had made you so tempting. Everything about you just screamed at me, made me seem dark and dull by comparison, and I wanted to destroy your youthful light so it would not blind my eyes any longer.
It was then that I decided to rape you. I walked languidly closer, body thrumming in anticipation, and drawled, "You know what, Goku?"
I noticed how you shivered when I said your name and it filled me with a strange sense of satisfaction. You shook your head at me, a trace of a smile upon your lips, and I was further filled with the urge to rip that expression off your face.
I lowered my voice even more and continued, "It has taken me all this time to realize that I love you."
You stiffened at the last three words, some innate sense sending a warning bell off in your head. You looked up at me, suspicion in your eyes, and I could tell you knew what I wanted, or at least thought you knew. But you were still hesitant, doubting the truth even though it was smack in front of you, unwilling to believe that I, your god, would do such a thing.
It irritated me that you looked up to me. Perhaps some of my qualities were admirable, but I loathed the way you listened to my every word, hung to my every breath. It was frustrating. It made me feel self-conscious. It made me feel that you were an annoying burden that would do foolish things such as risking your life for mine. That's why I prevented Rikudo from hurting you. I wanted to show you that I would do what I pleased, that I was no god, I was a mortal who could die and would die instead of depending on someone else. I could make you suffer.
I shook the thought out of my head and launched myself at you, eager to taste your flesh, to nip and bite at your innocence until it crumbled beneath my caresses. I crushed my mouth against your inexperienced lips, tearing off clothes I had subconsciously studied carefully so that I could remove them without difficulty. I touched you with my dirty, sinful hands, tainting your virgin body and enjoying the sudden rush of power. You didn't move; you simply lay there calmly, eyes closed tight as if you were trying to block everything out.
By closing your eyes, you were pretending that I wasn't there. You were acting as if everything I was doing, the way I was nibbling at you, did not affect you at all. My whole purpose in coming would be defeated if I could not watch you suffer.
I remember glaring down at you and snarling, "Open your fucking eyes! I want to see your soul as it looses innocence."
You complied wearily, as if you would put up with me just this once, and I grew more violent until I was ramming in to you, never looking away from your golden orbs, waiting until you would glance up at me and - broken - reveal all your secrets. But nothing happened.
When I was done I stood up swiftly. You lay there, just looking at me, your eyes dull but not suffering, not screaming out in pain as I had wanted them to do.
For a moment, I stared down at you, not knowing what to say. I couldn't backtrack, I couldn't be friendly, and I definitely couldn't say sorry. That word was not in my vocabulary. I just hoped you'd ignore what I had done. Now I see how foolish that wish was - how could you ignore the fact that I had raped you? You hadn't resisted, but you hadn't agreed either. You had let me use you, and I felt worse than before because I felt dirty. Yes, I felt dirty. I felt sin descend upon me like a thick, murky cloud and stick to my skin, and I hated you for making me feel that way when all I had searched for was solace, respite from that exact feeling.
My lip curled up automatically in to a sneer and I drawled, "I really needed some entertainment." Then I slung on my clothes and walked out of the room, but not before I saw your eyes flash in anger. And when I closed the door behind me, a shiver went down my spine when I realized I had lost you forever.
I went to my room and sat on the bed, staring out the window, thinking:
What have I done?
To Be Continued...