A/N: Long time, I know. Thanks for reviews, [NC, Genjo Sanzo1, gallatica]! I'm glad you guys enjoyed the previous chapter... ^_^ and sorry for the delay, but I've been a bit overloaded with school work, and to make matters worse my muse doesn't want to concentrate on one fic. Grr...
Oh, and I just have to post gallatica's review for the intro, because it amused me to no end! "heart-wrenching. really. wah! tho...this does sound like a Sanzo who is all bound in chains...(half naked)..suffering...eyesight blurring... (still half-naked)..tortured
soul...*weeps* (sanzo still half-naked)"
Exactly what I think at times ;) Angst! Sanzo is very very yummy... Ok, I'll stop before I freak you guys out any more... Let's get on to the next chapter!
Beware of Sanzo torturing!! Bwahahahaha!!! XD
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Chapter 2
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As I stared out the window I wondered what you were doing. I remember I was so sure you'd go to Hakkai that I was clutching the sheets, starting at every sound and waiting for him to come and beat the shit out of me.
It still seemed surreal, though. My jeans were all sticky and I hadn't washed myself but somehow everything felt so distant, as if someone else had done it.
My door opened softly and Hakkai's face peeked in. I lay silently, waiting for him to begin, but he simply smiled and said in a polite, hushed tone, "I heard some noise. Is everything all right?"
For a moment, I contemplated telling him what I had done so that I could watch his face twist in horror and dismay. He was another of the idiots who believed I was good at heart. He was another idiot who could not see the fact that I was more of a demon than any of them.
But the words died in my throat and I rolled over on to my side with a "Ch'." Hakkai swiftly withdrew and returned to his room, and I was left alone once more. I was left waiting.
I lay there waiting for the shouts to begin, for the outraged cries to fill my room. Nothing happened. After that night, I hated waiting. I would rather rush headlong in to my fate then wait for it to come to me.
I did not sleep. I did not think. I did not replay the scene of what had happened over in my mind. I simply lay there the whole night, numb and not sure whether I really existed. My life seemed so distant, my memories lies. I could not trust anything other than the room I was in, the bed I was lying on.
When the sun rose, I was still lying there. After a while I got up swiftly and headed downstairs, pulling out a newspaper. You were down moments later, and I glanced at you for a moment before reading once more, pretending nothing had happened. Gojyo immediately began to bicker with you, but I didn't really pay attention. For a second, when you began to order massive quantities of food, I thought you were alright and even managed a glare - then I heard your biting comment.
"You haven't paid me yet."
Those words degraded you more than me. They made you seem like a slut, some whore anyone could sleep with, but in the end I was the one that ended up getting hurt from such a short comment. It made me feel that it was I that had lowered your status so, made me feel even worse than you.
I gathered myself when you were done and managed to grumble, "Let's get going."
We jumped in to Jeep but you stood there just looking at us, wistful expression on your face, and I wondered what you were going to do.
"Bakazaru!" Gojyo's voice grated on my nerves. "Aren't you coming?"
"No." Your face was calm, your face expressionless. For a second I felt as if I was looking in to a mirror, and I suppressed a shudder. I feared that I had made a monster out of you.
I stared at you, waiting for you to say something more. Hakkai elbowed me slightly, and I growled, "Get in the car."
"What are you doing?"
Your eyes narrowed in determination. "I'm leaving."
You just walked away from us, turned your back on the last seven years of your life and left. It amused me endlessly that you, the one they had always called stupid, the one that was supposedly less intelligent, could have the courage to walk away so calmly. I could feel shock and confusion radiating from Hakkai and Gojyo and I smirked. Now they could finally see you were not what you pretended to be.
Who's fake now, eh Goku?
I almost smiled and called you back, but then I remembered last night, your scent clinging to me, how I had not slept, the glare you had directed at me this morning, the words that had made me feel worse than a prostitute… I would not allow myself to be bested, beaten by a monkey. So I said nothing.
If I would be able to repeat that day I'd do it all again, no matter how much I'd want to change things. It was your fault. You should have known that I would not have ever been able to call you back, admit what I had done.
I let you go.
"Damn monk, what are you doing? We have to go after him!" Gojyo turned to me furiously, but I simply curled my lip at him.
Hakkai spoke hesitantly, "Well, if he wants to leave…."
"Bullshit!" Gojyo snarled, "He wouldn't leave just like that for no reason! You! Sanzo! You know something, don't you?"
"Yes." I refused to look at him. "We're late. We were supposed to leave twenty minutes ago."
Hakkai calmed Gojyo down while I stared out at the road straight ahead of me. The path seemed never-ending, lonely and so long. It was as if I had made a decision I'd never be able to back out of, and had to follow till the very end. I caught Hakkai's attention, and muttered, "Let's go."
"But-"
"Maybe Goku just needs some time for himself." Hakkai forced a smile. "I'm sure he'll come back, one day."
"Alright…" Gojyo grumbled, "but I'm holding that corrupt monk responsible."
"Ch'. Go look for him yourself if you're so desperate for his company."
Nothing more was said in response, and Hakkai revved up Jeep. While we left I stared straight ahead of me, in to the horizon. I never once looked back at the forest you had disappeared in to. Maybe I was afraid of what I would see.
The rest of the day passed by in complete silence. I kept my gaze directed right in front of me. Gojyo stared up at the sky, occasionally glancing backwards. Hakkai just clenched the wheel tightly, his smile a little forced. We stopped by a cliff, parking Jeep and deciding that enough distance had been traveled, all without speaking.
Dinner was hurried and tense. Hakkai and I ate halfheartedly, barely tasting what passed our lips, while Gojyo wolfed down as much as he could, still appearing unsatisfied at the end of the meal. The atmosphere was so thick it could have been cut with a knife, and I could just feel that both my companions were waiting, so nervous that the slightest noise would make them jump to their feet. They were waiting for you to come out of the woods, a grin on your face. They were waiting for someone to say it was all a joke. But nothing happened, and we quickly returned to Jeep and sat there silently. I feigned sleep and thought of you, until the other two began to talk.
"Hey, Hakkai," Gojyo whispered.
The healer opened his eyes. "Yes?"
"You're sure he'll come back?"
Hakkai deliberated for a moment, then sighed. "I don't know."
I nearly snorted at that comment, but at least he was being truthful. I had almost expected a fake smile and equally fake response.
"If it's what Goku wants…" Hakkai's voice trailed off.
"Yeah, I guess."
"We'll just have to wait and see."
The two were silent, and then bid each other good night. Gojyo was asleep within moments, snoring softly. Hakkai did not make any noise, but I guessed he was still awake. In either case, he'd never bother me. I opened my eyes.
The moon shone like the sun, so bright in the dark sky, and I sat there watching it. You were somewhere out there, sneering at me and laughing now that I truly knew what it meant to be alone. Actually, no, you probably weren't sneering; that's something I might do. You probably pitied me… or hated me, cursing the ground I walked upon.
I hoped you would not pity me. I would not be able to tolerate that, to be pitied by the very person I had hurt, the very person that had caused me all this suffering. I would understand if you hated me - I had tried to take away the best of you, your innocence. If only you'd have stayed with me; better close and cold than far away, unreachable… or maybe it was better you had run away, because then I wouldn't have to face my guilt ever day, force myself to look in to your eyes, to look in to my sin. But without you here I wasn't able to pretend that things hadn't gone wrong. But why pretend? Why lie?
Only now I see my feelings for you, feelings I know I will never explain, never confess, ever. You would understand - it was just not part of me. I couldn't apologize either. It was too hard. But I wished I could have let you know that even if you hated me, I was always here for you. Always would be.
I let you go, and I was left waiting.
To Be Continued...