A/N: Sanzo finally truly realizes what he has done. Suffer without Goku, you blond tasty monk! XD To the readers: thanks for the reviews! And Genjo Sanzo1 - if you stop reviewing I will personally bash you. I love your reviews!! ^_^
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Chapter 3
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"It's missing."
"What is?"
"My monocle. The extra pair, the one that broke a while ago. It's gone."
"Just like a lock of my hair." Gojyo held up a piece of hair that was noticeably shorter than the rest.
The two sat there quietly for a while before Hakkai spoke up again, "He's not coming back."
I nearly snorted. It had taken them a while to finally admit you had left with no intentions of seeing us again. Seeing me, specifically.
It also amused me to notice nothing of mine was missing. Was I supposed to take that as an insult, a little way of telling me that you didn't ever want to remember me? But then, of course, I had left my mark on you, my personal claim of dominance; something you'd never forget.
I then realized what I'd been thinking and froze, shocked. How could I feel pleasure from thinking of the fact that I had raped you? Was I that sad? pathetic? lonely?
And yet I instinctively remember my lust, that mad happiness that had suffused me when I wounded you, dirtied your soul, your body. I had pulled you down in to the darkness next to me, in to my despair, and you had let me bring you down… for a while, at least.
A little melodramatic, I know.
Even now I'm not completely sure why I did it. It was as if I had lost control of myself and I had to, had to rape you or die. I think I was scared of you. You were always so happy and innocent. You looked up to me like no one else had, ever. And I was scared you'd find out I wasn't as great or wonderful as I appeared to be.
Dread became my constant stalker. I knew that one day you'd discover how I really was on the inside, how shallow, and when you would discover my true nature you'd scorn and hurt me.
So I decided to betray you before you could do anything. If fate had predetermined that you had to find out, I could at least control when and how. I needed to control some part of my life, control part of the nightmare I was sure would come sooner or later.
It took me ages to snap out of that bad dream, and by then it was too late. You were gone, and it was then that I realized you'd have never left me had I not hurt you. It was then that I realized you had loved me.
How long did it take me to understand how you felt about me? And what could I do, now that I knew I felt the same? What could I do, now that I had chased you away?
"Sanzo?"
I blinked and looked around. Hakkai was staring at me in consternation, and out of the corner of my eye I saw the distrust and anger on the kappa's face.
"Should we stop by a village tonight or continue on? There's a village several hours away from here."
"Go on," I grunted, mind turning inwards once more. I saw Hakkai and Gojyo exchange a glance, but I ignored them. They thought they knew so much, and yet they didn't know anything about you.
Where were you? What were you doing? Were you thinking of me?
I almost laughed at the last question. Did it make a difference whether you were thinking of me? Everything I used to be for you had fallen apart in front of you that night. If you were thinking of me, you'd be cursing me to the deepest pit of Hell, never to be reborn again. I could almost imagine you, with your single-minded determination, screaming at me as you swung Nyoibou down for one last stroke.
I loved you for that as well. The fact that you never let anyone mess around with you. How you would easily get rid of those who were obstacles, dedicating all your strength to that simple goal. That anger that brimmed through you when you saw your enemies, never replaced by fear or a wish to flee. You always stood and fought.
Except when it came to your friends. You could not hurt me, not yet, at least. Maybe when the shock passed… But I still admired how you had calmly walked away, turning your back on everything I represented, willing to leave rather than hurt me by telling the others what I had done.
I had slipped in to your room before we left the inn, and I saw what you had done. All evidence of what had happened had been erased, destroyed. Whether it was a last gift for me, or a way to salvage your pride, I do not know.
Briefly, I thought back on how I had left you that night; naked, lying on a rumpled bed in a room that smelt of sex.
It was then that I suddenly felt violently sick over what I had done. I ordered Hakkai to stop and stumbled out of Jeep, a hand across my mouth.
"Sanzo?"
I ignored the worried healer and ran in to the forest, out of sight and sound, tasting bile in my mouth. I stopped and fell down on to my knees, bent over, vomiting. Shame and guilt filled me as I gagged repeatedly, stomach queasy.
When it was over, I wiped away the sweat on my forehead, feeling hot and flushed, and stood up slowly. My knees shook beneath me and I leaned against a tree for support.
Two days without you, and look what I had already become.
To Be Continued...