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Chapter 7
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I sat silently by the window, staring off in to the distance. The smoke from my cigarette curled up lazily towards the sky, and I thought of my master as I looked at it. But I was placing gray and blue together, and instead of enhancing the vivacity of both colors, I was making them both bleak.
I was suddenly aware of the birds chirping outside my window, and I growled under my breath, slamming the window closed. Could I not be left in peace?
Hakkai and Gojyo were sharing the room across from mine. I had wanted to be alone, but was glad they were nearby; even in my solitude I liked to feel I was still part of the group.
Sometimes I wondered, though, if I was the group, and you three some god's expendable additions.
I smirked when I thought of Hakkai and Gojyo, and decided to smoke in the hallway outside their door. Their private conversation would not be so private, after all. Their worried faces had piqued my curiosity. Could they still have been thinking of you? No, of course not. They had no reason to.
"Gojyo…?" I heard Hakkai say hesitantly. "What's wrong?"
I did not hear a response - either the kappa had not bothered to answer, which was strange, or he had mumbled a reply, which would have been normal.
He mustn't have replied, however, because Hakkai kept prodding. "Is this… about Goku?"
I raised an eyebrow. Hakkai's instincts were never wrong. Was the kappa still-?
"No…"
I amended my thoughts. Hakkai's instincts were hardly ever wrong.
"Then what?"
"You're not going to leave me alone until I tell you, right?"
Hakkai laughed nervously. "I don't mean to sound nosy."
I stifled a chuckle. Who was he kidding? Hakkai was the nosiest man on Earth. He always had to know what was wrong, and even if his intentions were good, it didn't stop him from being nosy.
Gojyo sighed. "It's just that I had a fight with a girl-"
"Don't give me that," Hakkai interrupted. "We both know those girls mean nothing to you."
I cocked an eyebrow. What an interesting development. When had that understanding risen between the two?
"I'm telling the truth!" Gojyo responded angrily. "When have I ever fucking lied to you, damn it?"
"Every single day."
I admired Hakkai's quiet response. It seemed to knock some sense in to Gojyo, who whispered, "True…". Then the kappa laughed and added, "It's just that… I always had a dream of one day having a family…"
Back to those dreams. He'd mentioned them a few weeks earlier, speaking to himself without realizing I was close by. Was he still troubled by fantasies?
"That dream can still come true."
It was funny, really. I had never pictured Hakkai as a romanticist.
"No it can't! I just found out I'm fucking sterile because I'm a hybrid!" I widened my eyes in a mixture of surprise and shock in the silence that followed. "My red hair and eyes have become a curse for me. Maybe I really do bring bad luck, but only to myself."
Gojyo's pity party disgusted me, but I could see why he might feel troubled. As I reflected on his behavior, I realized that I really didn't know Gojyo that well. Had someone asked me for his reaction, I would have guessed he'd have been happy; his being sterile would mean he could sleep with whomever he pleased and not have to worry about any consequences.
"Then change color," Hakkai finally said.
"What?" Gojyo's confused reply mirrored my own.
"I can buy some hair dye, and some of those colored contact lenses. How about pure black hair? Blue eyes? If your hair and eye color bother you, I will do anything to change them. But you must realize that they mean nothing in your life. You must stop thinking of them as a restriction, a limitation. Your dreams can still come true."
The mushiness of Hakkai's response sickened me, yet surprisingly it angered me as well. Could he be so naïve? Could he think that a mask would help? By changing his hair and eye color, Gojyo would be only more tormented, because he would know he was living a lie. I could relate to that feeling intimately.
To my surprise, Gojyo simply responded, "How?"
"You could adopt."
"But I want a real family… something to call my own…."
"We are your family. Sanzo and I… even Goku, though now he's far away, we are your family."
I crushed my cigarette beneath my heel. I did not recall being asked to join the family, nor did I want to.
Gojyo laughed again. "You're right. Now all I need to find is someone who loves me, make them join the group, and then I'm set."
I almost laughed as well. How simple Gojyo was, how stupid not to see the very love he asked for standing before him. I waited for Hakkai's forthcoming declaration, but it did not come, and I returned to my room strangely unsettled.
His silence made me think of the last time I had said those three words, and I did not relish the memory. I, who hadn't meant them, had said them to you, and Hakkai, who did mean them, had not said them to Gojyo. Was it something left unsaid? Is that how you had known I was pretending?
I lay down on my bed, grinning when I thought of Hakkai's and Gojyo's reactions if they knew I had a bed while they had tatami mats. They hadn't asked for a bed; they hadn't gotten one.
I cleared my mind of nonsense and willed myself to sleep. But while I could clear my mind when awake, I could not stop it while dreaming….
I was lying in a field, the scent of flowers around me. Something, someone was coming, and the very thought of them made me hard.
The wind caressed me, running through my hair and teasing my face as I lay there, waiting.
At first I could not see him, I could only feel his fingers tracing their way down my jaw, my neck, my stomach….
I was already panting heavily by the time his face came in to view. I knew I should have been surprised, or horrified, or something, but all I could do was moan as he scraped his fangs lightly across my neck.
"Kougaiji…."
He did not speak, simply moved up and kissed me softly.
"Kougaiji…."
"Enough! Let me out of here, now!"
I woke up and glanced around the room, sure I was not alone. Those last words had not been part of my dream. Or had they? I had not spoken them, Kougaiji had not spoken at all, and the voice had sounded strangely… like yours. What utter nonsense. Realizing I was still aroused, I sat up quickly, angry that my own mind and body had betrayed me.
For how long had I subconsciously craved after a demon? I shivered, unsure whether it was due to fear or disgust. But when I thought of Kougaiji again, all I could picture was how strong he was, another leader like myself, someone who could maybe understand.
How long had I claimed him as mine? Was that why I'd been angry with you, because you were always the one to fight against him? Or was it because I had wanted you, too?
I slipped out of bed and looked out the window, to the sliver of moon nearly lost in the sky above. Was that the only connection I had left with you? That we were under the same sky? Under the same moon, which now seemed so fragile and small, almost invisible?
"It doesn't matter," I muttered angrily to myself. "I never wanted Goku. As for Kougaiji - it is lust that dominates me."
I vowed to break free from that lust before it could be used against me. I would break free from all emotional ties, because I would sink if I didn't.
To Be Continued...