Chapter 10
I should have known it would've been impossible for me to bury the past behind me. I'd fooled myself in to thinking I'd buried my sin behind me, at that place, that small inn, but I hadn't. I'd simply buried it in my heart, my guilty conscience biding time 'til I was at my weakest.
It was funny, in an ironic sort of way. I'd pushed you away to make myself stronger, but had done the very opposite, and it was only when I was at my weakest that I realized what a fool I'd been. So much for strength and intelligence going hand in hand.
It made me wonder whether I'd been searching for the wrong kind of strength. I used to think strength was being independent, scoffing ties of affection because they created weakness. I was not wrong; emotions can weaken the mind and the heart, but I did not account for the fact that they strengthened the soul. And what was life, without a strong soul? What was life without a will to live? Without a reason to live?
It hurt, admitting my faults. It made me feel dirty. It gave me more to mourn over during rainy days. It gave me more to think about all the time.
"Sanzo?"
I glanced over at Hakkai.
"Is everything all right?"
"Ch'."
All right? It could never be all right. Life wasn't made of 'all rights'. There were some rights and some wrongs, and I had committed two big wrongs that outweighed all my rights.
My two sins. I suppressed a smirk when thinking of them. The first sin was of not having acted when I should have, not having moved faster, taken the blow, died instead. My second sin was of having acted when I shouldn't have, having succumbed to urges, weaknesses, stupidities. My life was a paradox. It all seemed to contradict itself, but in reality it was all true. Men do commit mistakes, and having learnt from one, fall in to the pit at the other end. Life was a constant walking between two extremes, a constant balancing on a thin, invisible line no one could see or feel or touch, but all knew it existed nonetheless.
I glanced around and was startled to realize we'd been driving in a forest for quite some time. Had I really been that absorbed in my own thoughts, so much so that I hadn't taken notice of my surroundings?
I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of pine needles. A childhood smell, I liked to call it. A boy called Kouryu used to live at a temple atop of a mountain covered with these pine trees. But that boy no longer lived.
I stiffened abruptly, feeling a faint spike of power somewhere in the forest. Hakkai's smile did not slip an iota, but his hands tightened around the steering wheel.
"Homura," Gojyo growled.
He sounded so much like you I almost jumped out of my seat. Thoughts ran like scattered sheet across my mind, and I quelled a growing panic. We would manage to defeat the god without you. We would manage.
"Sanzo?" Hakkai cocked his head to one side.
"Drive on. Let's not go looking for trouble, but if it comes our way…" I trailed off threateningly, faking a confidence I did not feel.
We drove on in silence for several minutes, muscles tense, silence strained. My hand was firmly around my Smith & Wesson. Not that it would've been of much use, against a god.
Suddenly, Homura and his cohorts jumped down from a tree in front of us. Hakkai braked quickly, and I reflexively brought up the fun and shot Homura's face three times. He only smirked, the smug bastard.
I kept my gun pointed straight at him, but I could not ignore the feathery tickle in the back of my mind. It was familiar, but I could not determine what exactly it was. It was then I realized. For some strange reason, I could feel your presence. It was very faint, overpowered by the gods' reeking aura, but somehow your scent clung to them.
Was that why Homura had been smirking? Because he had won you over to his side, and had now come to gloat at my loss? Would you really have changed sides in only a month? Actually, I amended, a month was a long, long time.
"Get out of our way!" I snarled, standing up and leveling the gun once more. I could taste the yellow bile of jealousy on my tongue. Did you love him? Was he your keeper now? Did I mean nothing to you? I knew I deserved no less, but somehow I'd never imagined being replaced in your affections. As much as I was yours, you were mine, and no dirty god was about to take you away.
"We have a surprise for you," Homura finally said, a smirk still glinting in his eyes. And then you walked out of the shadows you'd been hiding in, and joined his side, staring at me solemnly.
"Goku?" Gojyo exclaimed, always the idiot who interrupted when unwanted. "You goddamn stupid monkey! Leaving us like that, without a word! We were worried sick! Did you get lost or something? I'm really going to beat you up for this." Gojyo paused and calmed down, silly grin on his face. "So, why did you go?"
You kept staring at me as if you hadn't heard a word of Gojyo's rant. Your eyes unfocused for a brief second, and then you glanced at the redhead with a soft smile. "Sorry, I wasn't listening."
Gojyo was speechless. I was shocked. What had happened to your famous 'I'm hungry'? Your voice was no longer boyish, it was quiet and hesitant, as if you actually thought of what you were saying. As if you were afraid to let a word slip and expose yourself. Or maybe I was reflecting my own feelings on you.
Hakkai glanced at me, but I did not speak up. He cleared his throat. "Goku, why did you leave like that?"
The question hit you, and you suddenly seemed more alive as you narrowed your eyes bitterly. "Didn't Sanzo tell you?"
I lowered my gaze. How could I have? You had hidden all the signs, you had protected me from them, from my own actions.
"Sanzo?" Hakkai prodded.
I did not respond, looking straight at you. You were trying hard to look at me square in the eyes, but you couldn't; I could see you were looking at my nose. Somehow I was filled with anger. It was me who shouldn't have been able to look you in the face, not the other way around.
"Sanzo, I--"
"Shut up, stupid monkey," I interrupted quickly, and then you looked up with a smile on your face. My heart panged at the sight. That was the Goku I knew.
You nodded to Hakkai and Gojyo. "Do not worry about me. You two stay together for eternity."
"What? How did you know that?" Gojyo scratched his head, but then laughed.
"And Sanzo." You looked in to me, and I felt you could see all my secrets. "About Kougaiji…"
I flinched at that cursed name, expecting an instant body reaction, but nothing happened. How had you known about it? And had your presence freed me from the grasp of lust?
"I'm sorry."
I glanced at you in shock, realizing you understood. You knew that the reason I lusted after him was because I felt guilty for having taken you. And though it was my fault, you'd apologized. You understood.
It wasn't me that raped you. That was another man that had lived inside of me, tormenting me. And you'd just destroyed that man with your acceptance.
A small smile crossed my face and I glanced at you regretfully, sorrowfully, mournfully. It was all I could do; nothing I could say would make it better, but somehow I knew you'd understand this too. Because you were simply my soul mate. Because we were made for each other.
You turned away, and disappeared with Homura.
I wiped the smile off my face, because I knew how you felt. As much as we'd forgiven each other, we hadn't forgiven ourselves. As much as we'd forgiven each other, it still wasn't enough to forget.
To Be Continued...