Chapter 11
A week passed, silently, swiftly. It was painful. I kept wondering what would've happened had I actually said sorry. Would you have joined us again, or was I just hoping for something that never could've happened?
Did you think I was cold? Unforgiving? Or had you understood that I just didn't know how to express myself, and wouldn't even if I could? I was ashamed of my actions, and it hurt to feel shame; I was a very proud man. That's why I tried to create a distance between us, tried to remain aloof. But in the end I was just another person who'd made a mistake.
You'd always lived by a rule of never regretting what you'd done, something that was impossible for me. I kept thinking that if I could've gone back, I would've changed it all, taken back all the wrong I'd done… but I couldn't.
Sometimes I thought back on our meeting. You'd seemed troubled, as if something was eating at your conscience. I hoped you didn't blame yourself for what I'd done.
I'd been fasting. I knew how foolish it was of me, but somehow I felt that by fasting I'd somehow help the situation. I could tell Gojyo was annoyed; he never was one to deal with nonsense. Hakkai was worried, as I'd never gone so long without food or beer or cigarettes. Yes, I actually threw away my cigarettes. Not my lighter, however. It had other uses.
I hardly sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, your face would appear in my mind. Not that I didn't think of you while awake. Somehow, it just all seemed so much more vivid while asleep, the emotions stronger, your face sadder, the pain sharper. While awake, all of these were hidden behind my numb, almost comatose state.
I was pretending to sleep when Homura appeared. Hakkai braked, and I opened my eyes. His hair glinted in the hot afternoon sun, and his face was sad, and so resigned, as if he'd lost all he cared about and there was nothing left for him anymore.
"Sanzo," he said softly, beckoning.
I got out of the car and approached him. Gojyo cursed and jumped out as well, closely followed by Hakkai. I could see out of the corner of my eye that they were both ready to fight. I was touched they cared.
"Goku sent me," the god said softly, but we were all standing so still his words seemed to echo as they broke the silence.
"What…" I licked my lips. "What does he want?" My head was spinning slightly.
"He told me to say goodbye to all of you."
"What do you mean?" Gojyo said, coming a step closer. "Where's he going?"
Homura did not respond, but I knew already, and I reeled back, staggering. I slumped down, defeated, as Gojyo and Hakkai exchanged shocked glances as they finally understood what Homura meant.
"He also said…" Homura cleared his throat. "He said not to miss him. You four are tied together by fate and will meet again."
"How can you know?" I whispered.
Homura looked down at the ground. "Because that's just the way things are."
It was then I realized that you had loved me 'til the end. And as happy as it made me, it saddened me, because I knew how you felt. How is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time? How is it possible to miss someone that makes you cry? I guess it just goes to show that nothing can exist without its opposite.
"Hakkai, get me something to drink," I ordered, closing my eyes. When he came back I sipped the water, and tasted the faint tingle of lemon juice in the cool liquid. As much as I longed for a beer, I probably wasn't up to it.
Finally, I looked back at Homura. "Could you…?" I couldn't finish my question, just gazed at him.
He reached out for my hand, and I took his, and we disappeared. When the world slid into focus once more, we were back where we'd met, little over a week ago. Was it only a week?
I looked around. "Where?"
"This way."
We walked, and suddenly we came out of the forest, on to a cliff. The sea sparkled blue, such inviting depths, and Homura gestured at the edge.
"There."
I walked over and looked down the dizzying height. I wondered if you'd landed on the rocks, or if you'd been swallowed by the sea. Had you changed your mind and swam back to shore?
I turned to face Homura. "He's down there?"
"That's the way he'd want it."
How right he was. No shrine or grave for you. You'd go back to the Earth, back to what you'd been born from. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Did the Christians know how right they were?
"Sanzo…he had no regrets."
I glanced over at the god. "But I do."
I turned back and looked to the horizon. Homura did the same, and we stood there quietly, each absorbed in our own thoughts. I kept wondering what it had felt like. The wind would've whistled loudly, the waves would've reached up… Could I still find you down there?
No. You were gone. I'd never know what you'd felt. I'd never follow your path.
I turned to leave, but the rock crumbled beneath me and I tumbled backwards.