Chapter 12

I once said to you "it has taken me all this time to realize that I love you." How wrong I was. It took me much longer.

Things fell into place, slowly, after Homura saved my life and stopped me from falling off the cliff. I remember as I was falling, I closed my eyes and wondered if this was the fate you'd spoken of to Homura. I remember wondering whether you were right, and I'd be at peace. I remember giving up, feeling my whole life remain on the top of the cliff as I tumbled backwards.

Then a hand grabbed my ankle. I slammed hard into the cliff wall, and I hung upside-down for several long moments, dazed.

Homura pulled me up, and all he said was, "Goku wouldn't have wanted that."

He took me back to Hakkai and Gojyo, and then left. We haven't seen him since.

I guess now I'm all right. At least, that's what I tell the others. I cannot help but lie to them, and try to be strong for them, and for you. I can't be strong for myself any longer.

Sinking down beneath the waves of lies I myself created, like piles of sand thrown in to my grave while I'm lying inside. This is how it feels when you're a repentant sinner. This constant feeling of guilt lurks at every corner and haunts your footsteps, reminding you every single second that it'll be there 'til the end of time, 'til there's nothing else left.

Because, in all truth, the only thing that survives over time is guilt. Anger can fade, passion can be dimmed, even love as strong as what I feel can die, and all are just a shell of the former glory they used to be. But guilt endures. Nothing can stop guilt but forgiveness, and it is not always readily given.

It is worse when you are the one that has to forgive yourself.

It does not always matter whether the one you wronged has forgiven you, if you cannot forgive yourself. I've accepted what I've done, I realize the past is done with, but that does not mean I forgive myself. I'm really just not the type.

I could not forgive myself for letting my master die instead of me; how could I think this would be any different?

Hakkai and Gojyo tried to help me 'get over it'. They couldn't see that it was useless to try, because I wasn't broken, I was just…full of despair, and lonely. And nothing could fix that, since you were gone.

I always felt, and still feel, that it was I who should have taken your place and launched myself across the boundary between life and death. Perhaps that's because we view death differently. You saw it as liberation; I see it as the end.

That is why you are free to go, and I must remain. Because I don't want the end just yet. As much as I can't forgive myself, I cannot end the existence I know. Perhaps I fear what will greet me on the other side. Perhaps I'm too damn stubborn.

For a while after Homura came with his news, I felt listless, and I drifted. It was so difficult to accept that you were completely gone, more so than you'd been before. Hakkai and Gojyo were supportive, and I appreciated it, though I never told them. It's difficult to grasp the fact that I'll have to live without you.

I still cling to the hope that maybe Homura was right. Maybe our fates are tied together. Maybe we cannot avoid each other. Maybe this was just one of many tries, one try that went horribly wrong. I'm beginning to sound like Gojyo, with his foolish dreams for the future.

All I know is that one day, I'll join you again, and I'll do it right.

One day…

The End.