Chapter 14 ~ Reminiscing

"Do not dwell in the past; do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

                   ~ Buddha

"You can never plan the future by the past."

                   ~ Edmund Burke

          James lay on a couch in the common room feeling dirtier than ever. He'd just come back from a snogging session with Arabella in the supplies closet. She had acted as though they were going all the way when all it was was some intense kissing and necking.

          Why do I feel so dirty? He chastised himself. I wasn't doing anything wrong, besides it's nothing I haven't done before! Thank GOD I'm going home for Christmas! He thought as he stared into the crackling fire.

          "You," he heard someone say with malice from behind him; "Are a vile, repulsive piece of shit!" He turned around and saw Mollie. And if looks could kill, he'd be dead ten times over. "You're even worse than Snape! And I had thought you might've changed! That's gotta be a joke. Why don't you just crawl back into the hole you came from and let the world go back to they way it should be, without evil pricks like YOU!"

          "What the hell is your problem Mollie?" he asked annoyed. He didn't need to feel any worse than he already did. Although he still didn't quite understand why he felt like that.

          "That's Sanders to you Potter! I can't believe how you can be so… so… I don't know what you are, but the one thing I know is you've shattered someone's life and she didn't need it!" Mollie then walked up the staircase to her dorm, leaving James even more confused than he was before.

          I couldn't have meant anything to Lily, could I? She hated me! We were supposed to be using each other to get what we wanted. It wasn't supposed to hurt or be enjoyable.

          Yeah, like you didn't think the other night wasn't enjoyable? His conscious told him.

          She's Lily!

          Right, but she used to be Evans! Besides, you normally wouldn't care who the hell you fucked! Why does she matter now?

          How the hell should I know? None of this was supposed to happen. We were supposed to go out, make a few people jealous and then leave each other without another thought!

          Then why are you thinking? You care about her, just admit it!

          NO I don't! I never have! If anything we were only friends!

          His thoughts were interrupted by the common room door opening and Lily Evans walked in, head hanging down and shoulders slumped. James looked at her curiously and spoke before he thought.

          "You okay?" She looked up at hearing his voice surprised. Then, noticing who it was, her face turned cold and eyes showed her hatred.

          "Why do you care Potter? We no longer have to pretend to like each other. Just go to your little slut, get laid, dump her and get another bimbo! That's all that ever happens. Now if you don't mind, I have a bed waiting for me and I'm sure you have a whore with her legs wide open for you in yours!" She then turned on her heal and walked up her staircase with her head held higher than she thought it should be. Her heart ached at saying those awful words to him, but she had an act to put on, once again.

          James went back to his thinking, and he did not like where it was going at all. He'd been yelled at by three people today; one being one of his best friends.

          How did you get yourself into this Potter? By being an idiot, that's how!

          You should have never fucked Evans then! That's why you're in so deep.

          But I enjoyed it!

          You enjoy all of them, don't you? What makes this one so different? She thought it was real, thought you meant it. You've never been serious over anyone! She should've known that.

          But I hurt her!

          Along with the 50 other girls you've had sex with. Once again I'll ask you, what makes this one so different? Why was that one a mistake and not the other some-odd times? Huh?

          I don't know okay! All I know is that I made a mistake. Where? That I don't know!

          Well, figure it out, or you'll loose more than you think.

          James, tired of thinking, went up to his dormitory where the other guys were. When he walked in, Sirius and Peter came up to him to ask how it went with Arabella. It seemed that, now he got rid of Lily, Sirius had forgiven him easily. But Remus just buried himself deeper in his blankets, not bothering to acknowledge him. James shrugged off Sirius and Peter and went to his bed to stew over everything and try and figure out what he had to do exactly.

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          The minute Lily got to her room she flung her self on her bed and screamed into her pillow. All of her tears were gone. A part of her was glad that the Headmaster had stopped her from jumping. Her head was telling her nothing would've been accomplished by killing herself. But another part, her heart, was telling her that it would end the pain and she wouldn't have to deal with seeing his face everyday in class or with his arm draped around Miss Perfect's waist. At this thought she screamed into her pillow again, willing the hurt in her heart to go away.

          She soon felt someone sit on the end of her bed and she looked up, her face red with anger and frustration.

          "If it makes you feel better," Mollie started, "I told James off for you."

          "You didn't need to do that, I did it as well. And for some reason, I don't feel better," Lily said. She was calming down and decided to ask Mollie what she thought. "Mollie, do you think James was just using me to get laid? Just to get another number on his list of girls?"

          "Lily, I really don't know. James is a difficult person to read by actions. From what you said he can be very kind. Like when you told him about you parents, I really don't know what to think about him. You said you knew him, right?" Lily nodded in response. "Then what do you think?" Mollie asked her. "Just think about it for a few days. Read his face; look at his eyes when he's talking to you. You can see whatever a person's trying to hide by looking in their eyes. Watch him for a while, and tell me what you see."

          Mollie then went over to her bed and lay down. Lily thought for a little bit and turned to her best friend.

          "Thanks Mol. But I've got one thing to ask you. I thought you hated him? Why're you sticking up for him?" She asked curiously.

          "Because hun, you don't hate him. You think that there's something good in him. I've always known you to be an honest person, so there's gotta be some good in him. How much, I dunno. But what I do know is this, you love him, that's not gonna change. Find something in him that you can hang onto. Convince him to love you back," Mollie said easily.

          "Mol, I can't do any of that… I'm not like you. I'm a coward," she said shamefully.

          "Yes you can Lil! Listen to me, you love him, I can tell, now get him back. Use any means necessary, just get your man!"

          "Thanks Mol, I'll try." Lily then rolled over and tried to fall asleep, but her mind was too active and her stomach was churning. She had a bad feeling and she didn't know what to do about it.

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          The next morning Lily was sitting at the table with Mollie and Remus sitting across her. She was still upset about James, but was slowly overcoming her fears, even if she still loved him deeply. The thing that was really frustrating her was the fact that she couldn't think of a way to get him back AND he was leaving for Christmas, which would put a damper on her plans.

          God, she thought grimly, it seems that my whole life is full of plans nowadays! She was eating her food quietly. That is, if you call shuffling it around her plate eating. Her stomach wasn't feeling so hot, just at the sight or smell of food she felt as though she would vomit her stomach out. She felt a light tap on her shoulder and turned around to see Amos Diggory standing behind her, fidgeting nervously.

          "Hi Amos!" She said brightly, sounding much chirpier than she felt.

          "Hey Lily. Um, I was uh… wondering… would you uh… go out with me sometime?" He looked at her hopefully and saw her face fall. "I mean, I know you and James just broke up and all, but I really like you," he said quickly, hoping to make her cheer up a little.

          "Amos," Lily began sadly, "I'm sorry, I… I'm just not ready for a long-term relationship yet. You understand, don't you?" she asked.

          "Yea, I guess I do," he sighed as he plopped down onto the empty chair next to her. "You still feel for him, don't you?"

          "Ever so much," Lily said softly, nodding her head. "Amos, you a really great guy, don't get me wrong, but I've got a lot on my plate at the moment ok?"

          "Yeah, it's okay. I'll talk to ya later," he said as he rose out of the seat.

          "Yah, lata."

          "I'll say you've got a lot on your plate missy!" Mollie said when Lily turned her attention back to the Gryffindor table again. "You barely TOUCHED your food!"

          "I'm just not hungry Mol."

          "Lil, don't starve yourself over some guy, he's not-"

          "DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE!" Lily yelled, loud enough for all of the Gryffindors to hear her. "He's worth everything to me," she said in an almost non-audible voice so no one else could hear her besides their group of three. "Besides, that's not the reason why I'm not eating. It's because I don't' feel so good, okay? You not my mother!"

          "I'm sorry Lil, I'm just worried, we both are," she said, gesturing towards Remus. "I'm mean; you don't look that good either."

          "Yeah Tiger, besides, if you aren't feeling well, you should go see Madame Pomphrey," he suggested.

          "I'll be fine Rem, probably just a simple cold, that's all," Lily waved it by.

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          Lily was lying on her bed now. A pile of homework was waiting for her but she didn't feel up to it at the moment. He head was now pounding along with the feeling of nausea. She looked around her dorm in desperate need of something to occupy her mind that wouldn't take to much exertion. She opened the drawer to her bedside table and ruffled through it. He hands fell upon a heavier piece of parchment from the rest. She lifted it out and realized that it wasn't a parchment, but a photo.

          She stared at it intently, wishing it to be the truth. It was the picture of her and James that she'd kept for herself. Tears began to prickle in the corner of her eyes as the Picture Lily and Picture James shared a sweet kiss. Her fingers gripped the snapshot tighter, trying to stop them from trembling. Her hands then reached for the top, ready to rip it to shreds.

          Closer……

          Closer……

          Almost there……

          Her fingers clutched the edge and……

          The picture fell from her hands and she collapsed on the bed in tears. She couldn't do it. It may not have been real for him, but it sure as hell was real for her.

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Hey Peeps! I'm soooooooo sorry I haven't updated in like two weeks, but I've been busy. School! Isn't it a drag? I've had homework up to my nose and I find it hard to find any time to update. Luckily while I'm at school, I keep a notebook for my stories and when I have free time, I write. Now, what do you think? Do you like it? I know it's kinda shorter than my latest ones, but once again, damned school! I pretty much have the rest of the story planned out in my head. I think I've even told u that once or twice. But I just need some stuff to keep the story going and so I don't pass time too quickly.

THANK YOUS!


ArtC-Fox ~ Thanks, I just have one question, what the hell is the "thrice defied thingy"?

nettopy ~ Good ideas, but like I said, I already have most of it planned out, but I just mite be able to squeeze some of them in the spots that are empty! Thanks, I'll keep ur ideas in mind.

InsearchofmyJames ~ I'm sorry about the James sleeping with other girls thing, but it had to be done. I have my reasons for putting it in there. You'll find out sooner or later.

s1ver-3eyes ~ hmm, good question, what DID Dumbledore mean? I guess you'll just have to wait to find out AND keep reading. You're onto something tho!

sodapopgirl703 ~ lol, I'm glad to have made you hyperventilate… I think.

faries of the wood ~ not sayin anything, but… well never mind

???? ~ I'm sorry to make u cry, but that means I did my job huh?

Amelia Bedelia ~ LMAO! I'm not making any promises. I DO have plans! (Mwahahaha! I'm evil)

Molly ~ It's not over yet, I have quite a bit to do yet. I'm surprised someone's this anxious for me to end it quickly!

Kira6 ~ Yea, their both at fault and causing each other pain, but they're teenagers, what do u expect. It's life. But life will get better…… we hope!

Soz ~ hey, if James' conversation to himself isn't what you were looking for, then I'm sorry. But James is a typical guy and won't be doing that for a while, until it's… nevermind. Don't wanna say to much, now do I? Btw, I won't be calling any police on you. I enjoy the friendly fanfic threat. Wow, that's an oxymoron if I ever knew one. A friendly? Threat?

PeRkieGuRl ~ You're not off your rocker, you screen name IS perkiegurl! Anywhoo, thank ya for the cookies and ice cream and yogurt and keesh!

Samara Morgan, Crimsonkisses, Leigh, Smiley Mary, SdRockGirl, Yael M., KapOfDaPipers, angel-dolphin1, jellybeangurl, Roxy-punk-princess, Daisy Silk, Doodles2, ShorTi, kutelilangel, goddesgaia, holly, Lisa Muenier, gothicshe-devil, merchic-kto, Cunning enchantress, silmarien, Wicca Willow, chewy1, Agloechen, LilVickiRyan, freakyfroggurl22, Anarane Anwamane, and kat6528.

Thank you ALL!! You are my inspiration! I'm on 30 PEOPLE'S favorites list! I feel sooooooo loved! Any way, next chapter, we find out what Dumbledore meant and MAYBE see what James thinks about everything. I'm not promising anything.

Now, if you could all do me two BIG favors!

1. Tell me ur predictions of what will happen.

2. REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love your favorite author

FRANIE**