Disclaimer: I own nothing but some thumb tacks and a subscription to Newsweek. With the exception of Jules Archer and Max Shepard, the characters in this story are the intellectually property of Ken Corday and Days of Our Lives.
Chapter 11: Life and DeathAt 4:56PM, Dr. Chloe Wesley lost her first patient. Jeffery Christopher Stewart died at age six because primitive nerve cells that were not suppose to stay in his body after his birth did. The resulting tumor that grew in his cerebellum led to the end of his short life. As a doctor, even a first year resident, Chloe had recognized the symptoms of impending death. The knowledge did not dampen the shock of the event; perhaps it made it worse.
Dr. Fletcher, the attending physician on the case, called her team of residents together. They occupied one of the abundant conference rooms and discussed how to deal with death and the dying. Others listening in might have found the conversation harsh and unfeeling, but for the doctors, it was a vital step in learning to deal with something that was unavoidable in their field. When the clinical discussion was finished, the residents had the opportunity to talk about their feelings. Chloe remained stonily silent throughout the meeting. Memories and feelings long since buried were suddenly overwhelming her. Tears escaped her eyes, her skin was pale, and she couldn't stop her lower lip from quivering. While everyone was disturbed by the day's events, she was taking the young patient's death much harder than the other residents.
As they were filing out of the room, Dr. Fletcher pulled her aside. "How are you doing Dr. Wesley?" she asked. Although Chloe only spoke about her leukemia when directly asked, it was common knowledge among her colleagues that she was a cancer survivor.
"Not too well, Dr. Fletcher," Chloe whispered embarrassingly.
In a surprising gesture, Dr. Fletcher put a reassuring arm around Chloe's shoulders. "Why don't you go upstairs and talk with Dr. Evans? Then you can go home for the evening," she suggested.
"But…" Chloe began pointing blindly at the backs of her retreating colleagues who were going to sign out with that night's on-call team.
"Listen Chloe," Dr. Fletcher explained, "You might not believe it, but attending doctors aren't completely heartless."
Chloe was surprised to see the sheen of tears in Dr. Fletcher's eyes. She nodded mutely and made her way towards the stairs. With each step she climbed, she felt her heart sink. The guilt of not being able to save Jeff and the shame of her unprofessional reaction weighed heavily upon her shoulders as she approached the receptionist desk of the psychiatric ward. "Dr. Chloe Wesley to see Dr. Evans," she told the receptionist.
The elderly lady behind the desk must have recognized something desperate in Chloe's eyes for she buzzed Dr. Evans immediately. Chloe didn't eavesdrop on the receptionist's short conversation with the doctor, but she nodded appreciatively as she was buzzed through the security door.
Chloe rapped hesitantly on the Marlena's office door. "Come in," a voice called from the other side.
She pushed open the door and immediately caught sight of Marlena packing her brief case at her desk. "I'm sorry to bother you Dr. Evans."
"That's all right Chloe," Marlena reassured, "please come inside."
Chloe took a silent seat and watched Marlena flip through a case file before stashing it inside her case. Marlena glanced up and paused when she saw Chloe's pale expression. "What's the matter Chloe?" she asked sitting down in her chair.
Chloe couldn't meet her eyes. She stared down at the floor and absently played with the textured upholstery on the chair's arm. "I lost a patient today," she whispered.
"Your first." It was a statement not a question.
"Yes," Chloe explained, "A six year old with a medulloblastoma. It wasn't a surprise. His condition had been deteriorating for the past week."
"It's always a surprise," Dr. Evans commented in her wise manner.
"I broke down later during a team meeting," Chloe confessed as if it was a grievous sin.
"Were you upset because the death was cancer related?" Marlena asked softly.
"Yes…no…I don't know," Chloe said absently kicking her feet. "I can't say for sure what upset me. Dr. Evans, you know what we're taught. The first time they role out the cadavers for gross anatomy they tell you that you have to learn to numb yourself to death. We practice what to say to patients and families, and I always believed that I handled it better than the other students in medical school because of my experiences with cancer. I came to terms with my own mortality a long time ago. I don't fear death. I understand it.
"You know," Chloe continued, "Jeff's passing wasn't even traumatic. It was peaceful. He had a smile on his face. I think in the end he knew, he saw, and he understood. Yet, I felt like I was being kicked in the stomach. I couldn't stop the tears, and I felt so stupid and guilty. I mean I'm just a medical intern. I've only spent a few weeks on the team caring for Jeff. Dr. Fletcher and Jeff's family have been battling the cancer for three years."
"Chloe," Dr. Evans said coming around her desk to sit next to her. "You really don't need to beat yourself up over this. You may not know it, but many doctors get upset and cry when patients die. You will get to treat many patients over the years, you will get attached to them, and some of them will die. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but I can't lie. Emotions aren't the enemy. No one wants a heartless doctor. In time, you will learn a healthy outlet to deal with your emotions and find a way to use them to become a better physician."
Chloe gave Marlena a wobbly smile. She felt better, but not good. There was nothing to feel good about when a six year old died. "Thanks Dr. Evans," she said simply.
"Why don't you go home and spend some time with your family?" Marlena suggest rising out of her chair.
"I wish I could," Chloe replied standing to join her, "But Dad is at a pharmaceutical convention in New Orleans, and Mom went with him."
"Why don't you come over to our place tonight?" Dr. Evans invited. "John and I are hosting a little dinner."
Chloe hesitated. "I'm afraid that I won't be much company."
"Don't worry about it." Marlena waved her concerns aside. "It's just family."
Chloe smiled, "All right. Dinner would be nice."
"Do you have a car here at the hospital?" Marlena asked. "Otherwise, I'm heading home now if you need a ride."
"Thanks," Chloe replied, "I'll take you up on that offer if you give me a minute to change. I usually take the bus so that I don't have to worry about falling asleep at the wheel."
"I'll finish up what I'm doing here, and then we can meet outside the entrance."
Chloe thanked Marlena once more before disappearing down to the locker room to change. If she couldn't spend the night with her family, the Black family was a fine substitute.
*************
Author's Note: I am not a medical doctor, but I have tried to be as accurate as possible in my portrayal of the residency experience and of medical procedures. The psychiatric ward of a hospital has higher security at least in my experience visiting friends there, Chloe's reaction to the death of her patient is based on accounts from real doctors and medical students, and medulloblastoma is a form of cancerous brain tumor found in children especially boys. Brain tumors are the most common form of cancer in children behind leukemia and lymphoma. To learn more about medulloblastoma and other cancers, visit the National Cancer Institute website at http://www.cancer.gov.