Chapter 16 ~ I Hope You Dance
Lily walked back into the dormitory and saw James sitting on the couch. She looked at him longingly, staring for ten minutes and not even knowing she was doing it. She then shook her head and told herself he wasn't hers now.
"Aren't you supposed to be in class?" she asked. This was the most she had talked to him in a while.
"I'm taking a day off," he said offhandedly. "My head is swamped with thoughts right now."
"Oh," was all Lily could think of to say. She sat down beside him. She took a deep breathe and could smell him. He smelled like the forest, pine trees, wood, wet leaves and earth. It smelled really good.
"Yea, my life is really fucked up right now…" he said. Lily looked at him questioningly. He wasn't looking at her and she doubted if he knew who he was really talking to, he looked too deep in thought.
What the hell, she thought, he needs someone to talk to and I'm here. Besides, I could get some comfort from this too.
"Tell me about it!" she finally said.
He then took that moment to turn and look at her. He then noticed who it was and suddenly became very wary.
"Lily?!" he asked shocked. "Are you okay? You weren't in class."
"I know that," she sighed.
Should I tell him?
No! Besides, he seems to have enough on his shoulders.
"Just a bout of the flu, that's all. Nothing that old hag couldn't take care of," she said, trying to cheer him up a little.
"I thought you were mad at me?" he said after a small, what seemed like forced, chuckle.
"Where'd you get that impression?" she asked. Damn you Mollie! She said to herself.
"Mollie. She said that we were back to being enemies again," James explained.
"Well, it would all be for the best," Lily said, thinking of how much she was hurting.
Tell him about the baby! He deserves to know! It is his after all!
"I guess you're right. You're always right. You're very bright, you know that?" James said with defeat.
TELL HIM!
"Thanks," she said blushing.
TELL HIM YOU IMBECILE! HE DESERVES TO KNOW FOR GOD'S SAKE!
"James…" she said, starting off slowly.
"Yea?" he asked, looking up at her with his sparkling, periwinkle eyes that made her melt.
"I'm… I'm…" she stuttered.
TELL HIM!
"You're what? Did the flu come back?" he asked concernedly.
"I'm… I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of the school," she said quickly.
DAMN IT! You were supposed to tell him. He is leaving soon for Christmas break! In like what, TWO DAYS!
I'm not going to force him into a relationship that he doesn't want to be in! That's what this will do! He'll feel obligated and it just won't be right on my part! I just… couldn't. Besides, the break will give me time to think everything over.
"It's okay; I did the same to you."
"I'm gonna go lay down, okay James. I'm sorry. And if I act coldly towards you, it's because it's all for the best." She then stood and gave him a quick peck on the cheek and hurried up to her dorm.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Lily fell onto her bed, shaking but not crying. She noticed that Mollie wasn't here, so she must've gone to classes. Why did she have to do that? Peck him on the cheek? And why couldn't she tell him? All she knew was that she couldn't handle all this in one day.
I'll tell him later! I swear!
She went into her trunk and pulled out an old friend of hers, her diary. She hadn't written in it since her parents were killed. She didn't think it was worth anything anymore. She opened it and read her last entry.
Dear Diary,
Today mum was acting very strange. She treated me and Pet as though we had just come back from our boarding schools. It was very peculiar. She was almost teary eyed. I don't really understand it. She kept saying that she loved us and that we were growing up so quickly. She began to scare me so much. I don't really understand it.
She then handed me this paper with a song written on it. She explained to me that this is what she hoped from me. She said that if I abided by it, my life would be wonderful, no matter what. It was quite sad. She had me tearing up.
Other than that, my day went as always. Pet was being a bitch. Dursley came over and she was hanging all over him as if to say, "see, I have a boyfriend and you don't". OH! Mom had also said that she hopes me and Pet would get along, or that we should at least try. I DO try. It's her who doesn't. She absolutely hates me. And it wasn't always like that either. We used to be so close… until I went to Hogwarts.
Shame on me, I went off topic. Oh well. Not much else to say.
Lillian Evans
Her eyes were now overflowing with salty tears. She remembered that day clear as a bell. She looked at the date and saw it was the day before they died.
She knew! That's why
she sent me and 'Tunia out to the grocery. She KNEW! She thought with grim
realization. She then looked down at the piece of folded paper that had fallen
from in between the last entry and the blank page. It was the song; she knew it
by heart too. She began to sing:
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give fate a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens about
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give fate a fighting chance
And when get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth wonders)
(Where those years have gone)
Lily had tears in her eyes as she finished the song. She now knew what her mother had meant, and she was right. She wasn't going to let this deter her. She was going to learn from this and move on. She wasn't going to fear the future, those mountains in the distance. She was going to look forward to them. She wasn't going to take anything for granted, not one thing. The door to James may have closed, but a new one opened, one for her and her baby. And God sure as hell didn't leave her empty handed, or empty stomached for that matter.
%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&
With Christmas break drawing nearer and nearer, James felt like a gallop through the woods. He needed something to take his mind off of everything. He ran up to the boys' dorm and went to look for his invisibility cloak, but noticed that it was gone.
Sirius must have it! He thought. Instead he opted to grab the Marauder's Map and be careful making his way onto the grounds. He observed that Lily was up in the girls' dorm and Dumbledore was sitting at his desk. All of the other professors were either in their offices or in their class rooms with pupils. He noticed that Filch was skulking back and forth in his office, Mrs. Norris in his wake.
Clear sailing!
James quickly walked out of the tower, down several stair cases until he reached the entrance hall, checking the map every few minutes, just in case Filch got some sort of psychic power to tell him when someone what in the halls when they shouldn't be. Finally, he reached the towering doors that lead outside. Once they squeaked behind him, he waved his wand over the map and whispered, "Mischief Managed," stuffed both in his pocket and began heading towards the Forbidden Forrest, the snow crunching under his feet.
Once he reached the edge where the trees became denser than the ones that scattered the grounds, he transformed into a magnificent stag. His antlers rose high to show his pride. His coat gleamed in the afternoon light, making it look bronze. His eyes, instead of being the normal brown you got from deer, were the same periwinkle blue as his own. That was how you could tell it was him in his animagus form, his eyes.
He began hurtling into the woods, weaving between trees and jumping over roots. The air whipping around him felt good, calming. It made him numb and the world he left behind was just that, behind him, in the back of his mind. He ran and ran. Finally, he reached the clearing he came to many times to think.
The clearing was a misshaped circle of trees. The trees surrounded a small pond with wonderfully clear water. The first time James came here, he thought that it either must be a spring or magically cleaned somehow. And, it seemed, that it were also magically kept from freezing over and going below sub-zero temperatures. There was different plant growth surrounding the lake. It smelled wonderfully of the pine trees encircling it. He had never been anywhere else so peaceful. He transformed back into his normal self, stripped down to his boxers and began to wade out towards the middle of the pond. For a pond, it was rather deep. The water felt refreshing against his warm skin.
"This is how it should be," he said aloud, sighing, "calm and refreshing. Isn't that what life is supposed to be?" He then chuckled at the irony of what he had just said. It was a hollow laugh that held back the cheerfulness that most laughs should have. "Life could never be that way… not with Voldemort… not with Mum and Dad risking their lives… not with Remus being mad at me… not without Lily," he said, getting quieter as he ticked them off. He then gasped. "What did I just say? Not without Lily? Damn it Prongs! You stupid idiot!"
He dove into the water, hoping that it would sweep over his head and wash away this thought. But as he surfaced, it became even clearer. He was miserable. And it wasn't because of Voldemort. He had been around for a few years now and he kept his head held high and an optimistic outlook on things. It couldn't be his parents' jobs, because they had been aurors since before he was born. He had grown accustomed to it. It could be Remus' anger towards him; this was not the first time he had butted heads with the werewolf.
The only reason he had even been unhappy was because he didn't have what he wanted. And at this stage in his adolescence, hadn't he wanted Arabella Figg more than anything in the world? More than Voldemort to be defeated? Well, he had her now? He was supposed to blissfully unaware of everyone else's and the whole world's problems. So why did he feel so shitty? There was only one explanation; because Lily was gone.
As he looked back over the month they had been 'acting', he noticed how happy and carefree he was. That was when he was blissfully unaware of everything. And it had only been a month… hell, not even that! It seemed like it was a year that he had known and loved Lily Evans.
Loved? Oh shit! Oh shit oh shit oh shit!
@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@
This chapie is dedicated to Vicki Ryan who has supported me throughout the past two days and her support was what made me update so quickly.
HI!!!! Do you know that I last updated YESTERDAY??? And I'm once again updating a little over a day later??? This chapie is kinda short, but… it's up soon! And I hope it compensates for me not updating for a month. My fingers couldn't seem to stop writing! This chapter just flowed right onto the keyboard and into the computer. I think I delved into what BOTH Lily and James was thinking. It was only them in the chapie…. AND there was a teensy bit of L/J action.
The song is I Hope You Dance sung by Lee Ann Womack with Sons of the Dessert singing the background music. This song is an AWESOME song and I was listening to it while writing this chapie and I recommend you to listen to it.
Now, a few of you were asking, "Don't they have contraceptives spells or something like that?" and another question I got was, "Why haven't the other sluts he slept with gotten knocked up?" I'm going to be blunt here, quite blunt. One: in the throws of passion when you're about to have sex with the person you love, you don't really think about the percussions of what may happen and you kinda forget to cover Little Junior. Two: As I said before with someone you LOVE you forget. All of the other times, he used a condom or contraceptive spell because it was just another fuck. Do you guys get it now? I hop so.
Another person, who reviewed to chapter 15 said that Lily not telling James is un-Lily-ish. I just want to say put yourself in her shoes. You're pregnant with the child of your former enemy whom you are in love with and you believe it is unrequited. Would you care to tell him that? I know I'd be scared as hell. Anyway, I'm not going to thank everyone, cuz I just updated a little while ago and not everyone has read chapie #15. But, within one day of it being posted, I have 18 reviews! Besides, dontcha think my authors notes are long enough already?
Franie
PS. Whoever can tell me where James' invisibility cloak REALLY is will get a special prize!
PSS. As you can tell, I have quite a few spelling and grammar boo-boo's. If there is anyone insane enough to want to beta this, I would LOVE you help. You see, I get so wrapped up in typing that I mess up and then I want to make you all happy and post it ASAP. If there is anyone with enough free time to do this crazy job, please speak now or forever hold your peace! Give me your email and reasons why you think you'd be a good beta. Okay, that's more than enough, I keep on rambling!