Chapter 23 Coming Clean
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned
Lily was let out three days later. The rest of the school was let back in and no one was the wiser to her stunt. She still didn't know if she was going to tell James about the baby or not. She really had no reason not to tell him anymore. It was gone and he didn't have to support it. She could tell him and he could go on with his life as though nothing happened. But somehow she knew he wouldn't. She had a feeling he would want to make up for it. She also had a feeling he would get mad at her for not telling him in the beginning. To make it simple, she was just plain scared.
She and James went along being friends. It worked out okay, but Lily kept feeling guilty; for everything: his parents, the baby, and not being with him. She still loved him deeply, more than anyone could imagine. But she was being her old cautious self and left well enough alone. But James, he was a totally different story.
The group was studying in the library, Mollie, Remus, James, Sirius, Lily and unfortunately Peter. James and Lily were on one side with Sirius; while Mollie, Remus and Peter were opposite to them. Lily was so close to James she could feel his body heat coming off of him. She couldn't help but be nervous. She couldn't stand staying in that seat a second longer.
"Excuse me," she said quietly and quickly. She pushed her chair back, "I need another book," and stood, walking off fast, yet trying not to arouse suspicion. Mollie and Remus shared a glance, each knowing something was up and that one of them should go after her. But James beat them to it… he rose without saying a word and followed her behind the shelves. Mollie and Remus shared another glance, raising their eyebrows, but went back to work.
'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no lie
I defy
"Lily," James said as he saw her with her forehead leant against the shelf. She was willing the tears not to come. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked softly, putting a hand on her shoulder.
"Nothing," she said quietly. The cool leather of the books felt good against her head and calmed her down a bit.
"It can't be nothing… if it were nothing you wouldn't be here," he replied, turning her around. He looked her straight in the eyes, but she turned away.
"I don't know James… everything is so messed up. I just… can't keep going on like this," she said looking at the ground as the tears finally fell.
"I know Lily… I know," he said looking at her.
"No you don't… you don't James. You know nothing," she said quietly, but the impact of her words was all that was needed.
"Then tell me!" he said sternly. "Tell me what I don't know."
"That's just it! I can't! I want to tell you, really I do. But there's just so much I can't because my lips won't say the words, they won't let me," she let more tears fall as she said it, leaning against the books and slipping down.
"Lily, I-"
"Don't say you understand. I don't want your sympathy. Just give me your friendship and that's all I need right now," she interrupted him, looking at him sharply with her tear shinning eyes.
James looked back at her uncertainly. "How can I give you that when you're avoiding me? Lily, I can tell you're uncomfortable around me and I wanna set some things straight. We were never a mistake… none of it was. I got scared too… scared of the new feelings I was feeling. I didn't realize it until it was too late… and I know I was stupid… but Lily? I wanna make it up to you. Is there any way we'll be together again? Any way? Anything and I'll do it… but Lily, I can't be without you. So when you say I don't understand, I do… when you say I don't know… I know. I know and understand more than you think, but I just don't want to stand back as you do all of this. I don't want to loose you!" he said, kneeling in front of her, looking straight into her eyes and his hands gripping her shoulders. His words brought tears to her eyes, but she tried to blink them away.
"Maybe James… maybe," she said, "Just be there for me, be my friend. I'm not ready yet… I don't know if I'll ever be ready. But when and if I am, I'll let you know." She smiled up at him a little and held his face in her hand. James smiled back and wiped away a few of her tears. She stood up and walked out of the library, leaving behind a hopeful but confused James kneeling among the books.
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
The rest of the school year went by without a hitch. There was no word or action from Voldemort. He seemed to be lying low, in Lily's opinion. No more muggle deaths or raids; all was quiet and serene. But they all knew it was just the calm before the storm.
Finals came and went and they all scraped by. For the summer they were all going separate ways. Lily was staying at Hogwarts with Dumbledore, who was now her legal guardian. James was going to his grandparents, who were his closest in kin. Sirius was going to his own home where he really wasn't wanted. Mollie was going to her aunt's, who was the only willing one to take care of her. It seemed Remus was the only person really welcomed home with open arms by his parents.
They all soon found themselves in the Hogsmeade train station. Hugs were given and promises made to keep in touch.
"Good luck guys," Lily said quietly to all her friends crowded around her.
"You too Lils," Mollie said giving her a big hug.
"Don't get in too much trouble Tiger," Remus said jokingly punching her in the arm.
"Well you know me," she replied with a smile, pulling him into a hug. He warmly returned this.
"I can't believe I used to hate you," Sirius said seriously. "I really don't know why anymore."
"It was because you were following someone's lead," Lily said with a smile playing on her lips.
"I'm a leader, not a follower!" he said as though it were an insult.
"Come here ya git!" she said lovingly, pulling him into a hug. He hugged her back, squeezing her tightly. "You can let go now," she said, gasping for air and patting him on the back. "I will be seeing you in two months ya know!"
"Rightio Lilikins!" he said happily.
I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin
They all backed away under Mollie's instructions when Lily approached James. They stared at each other with an awkward silence.
"Well I… uh… guess I'll see you next term?" James said uncertainly.
"Yea… listen James… I know things have been weird," she started off slowly. "I also know that you are a little… confused… on my reasons behind my distance." She took a deep breath at this and fished through her pocket. "This will explain everything… although I must caution you to when you read it." Lily looked somber and hesitant and she handed over an envelope, thick with parchment. "I'll see you then," she said, looking at the ground. He brought her face up to look at him.
"It seems as though great minds think alike," he said, handing her an envelope as well. "Have a good summer Lily." He gave her a hug and a peck on the cheek before walking away to his other friends, glancing back to see her looking at him and waving goodbye to all of them.
'cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind
Lily sat in the threstal driven carriage, looking at the letter intently. She fingered the seal lightly, debating on when to open it. Finally, she through reason out the window and tore it open.
My Dearest Lily,
I know that I hurt you deeply. I know that our relationship (if it could be called that) was quite strange and started out in a way that none of the others I know have. I started this relationship because of a stupid boyhood crush. Based on superficial aspects that I now know are not what good relationships are built apon. But you must understand, that even though I was to be using you, I had found myself falling in love with you. I had fought it so hard. That night… that amazingly wonderful night changed my life, changed my view on many things. I was still trying to fight it… but I fought it in vain. I knew then that you were different from every other girl, and I knew then that I could not live without you. Unfortunately… I had screwed up before I realized all of this. It took a few people to knock sense into me, may they rest in peace. I do hope that you give me another chance sometime in our future. I do love you and I apologize for all of the mistakes I have made.
Love always,
James Potter
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
Lily was in tears as she finished the letter. Wet droplets fell down her face and onto the paper. She ran her fingers over the delicate writing and carefully folded up the paper into the envelope again.
"I can only hope James, that you feel the same after finding out what I have told you… I can only hope," she said fearfully as the carriage came to a halt in front of the school.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming clean
James sat in a compartment alone, having done so because he knew he would become emotional while reading this letter. He slowly and cautiously broke the seal and opened the envelope, unfolding her letter and began reading it.
I do not know where to begin James. There is so much to tell and I have little precious time to write it all down. I must first start off by saying that when I first found I loved you, you pushed me away, leaving me broken hearted. I will say this… I never stopped loving you, never will. I told you things that I had never told anyone, and this was before I realized my true feelings.
I must tell you that when we "staged" our "breakup" I had taken things to the extreme and had almost done what I did after Christmas vacation. But the headmaster, damned be his gigantic nose, stopped me, telling me that I had someone else to live for. At that moment I knew not what he was talking about. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I found out, surprisingly enough… I was pregnant. Now mind you I was scared shitless.
So… for Christmas I felt like taking a vacation from everything… a break from it all. Since my parents were deceased I had to approach the headmaster about this and he agreed, but I would have to stay nearby a wizarding family. He put a disguise on me and gave me a pseudonym; Anna Price. What a surprise I had in for me when I arrived and found that my neighbors were none other than the Potter's three. A little slip up and my name became Lana.
And yet another surprise to come my way early on Christmas morning when the Daily Prophet arrives; the people who took me in and treated me as one of their own have been assassinated. In disbelief I run out and find that their cottage is no where in sight. Then I get a letter, telling me that I am the cause of their death. Grief-stricken I went back to the school and made my mind up. I was going to complete what I had failed in and rid myself of pain and rid the world of me. Unfortunately, you acted much quicker than I thought and saved me… but my unborn child faced the fate I had wish for myself.
These are the reasons I can not be with you…I have too much guilt on my conscious. I am sure by now I have told you more than enough to make you quite upset. I do not want you to be upset because of me. Do as you will, it is your life. I have made it harder on you than it should have been. I am sorry James, for all of my deceptions and transgressions. I never meant to hurt you, no matter how much I had hated you in the beginning. I have now told you what I should have done from the start, instead of hiding so much from you.
I hope you can find it in your heart to not hate me completely. Life has played you and I a terrible hand, and we're stuck playing it until our chips our gone and we've nothing left but our dignity.
Love
Lily Evans
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean
The paper fell to the floor, crumpled up in a ball as a very hormonal teenager stood up, punched the sliding glass, breaking it and stomping out of his empty compartment. What a way to end the year.
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
I know I know… it hath been months since I have updated. And now, for me to update only to give you the final chapter of this dear tale.
Alas my dear readers… 'tis true th' end of this noble story hath come. It may seemeth as though it art not finished… mainly because 'tis a true statement to thee. A sequel is sure to follow… when this dear author decides the warrant for it.
Okay… enough with the Shakespearean speaking. The story is done, for now. I do have the works of a sequel but I must tell you it will not be coming about for a long while. I have about five other fanfictions in the works (which is why I haven't updated this story in forever) You see I have a nasty habit of starting a story and then getting other ideas… I drop the current story to start jotting down my new ideas and have a new story in the works and the same thing happens again. I must apologize in abundance. Cookies to you who have all faithfully waited for the final installment to this fic. Milk to go with your cookies if you have not given up on me and are actually going to read the last installment. Ice cream for all of you who shall actually give me your reviews. And most of all… kudos to those of you who pushed me to continue by sending even more reviews. I love you all and hope you will read my new fics I will be posting.
If I hadn't had a long list I would thank you all personally, but the list is too long. I will tell you all this. I LOVE U VERY MUCH!!!!!
!tears! the epic tale hath come to a halt… until morrow… or the morrow after morrow… or long anon.
Your dear author
FRAN