Harry Potter and the Curse of the Wedgie Machine

by Sarah and Chelsey

A/N

Thanks for reviewing guys! (Even you Andy... just so you know... I've read the HP books at least three times each and I'm quite aware that this is totally not canon... er... that's why it's in the PARODY section. Thanks for taking the time to tell me I suck though, it means a lot to me!) ONWARD WITH THE RANDOMNESS!!!! -chels

Thanks for the awesome reviews! We must kidnap rupert grint now by blowing up all the three musketeers factories in the world! Muahahahahahaha!!!! -sarah

Chapter Two: The Claiming of the Characters

Harry bounced into his aunt and uncle's house with a smile. "I think I'm in love!" he announced.

His enormous cousin Dudley, who was the size and shape of a hot air balloon gazed at Harry in admiration.

"With who, Harry?"

"Well, you see there's this kid that I met but I'm not supposed to have met him till chapter six, but he's in love with this girl named Hermione, but it's Ron's turn to like Hermione and I'm in love with Ron's sister!"

"Uh… who?"

"I dunno, I just ran into some lady in the street. Said her name was Joanne or something. She was kinda nuts, but she told me I was in love with Ginny. And I've just figured out that Ginny must be Ron's sister."

"Uh.. Why would you think that?" Dudley inquired, drool trickling down his twelve thousand chins.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Duh, haven't you watched the movies? In the chamber of secrets, I totally saved Ginny. That means she owes me big time. So she has to love me!"

"Oh yeah… Daniel Radcliffe's hot."

"I know!" Harry squealed.

"THIS IS NOT SLASH!!!!" shrieked Aunt Petunia from the other room.

Dudley laughed maniacally. "LETS WATCH BLUES CLUES!!!!" Harry nodded vigorously.

"Magenta is a hottie!" Harry exclaimed.

"Back off, Magenta's mine!" Dudley screamed.

"FINE! Then I get Mrs. Salt!!!" Harry roared.

"So? I call dibs on Periwinkle!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Harry sobbed. "You can't have Magenta and Periwinkle!!!"

"Can too!"

"Can not!"

"Can too!"

"Can not!"

.One Hour Later.

"Can too!"

"Can not!"

"CAN!"

"CAN"T!!!!!"

"I CAN SOOOO!!!!!"

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! THAT WAS MY TOE!!!!!!!!!!"

"I know, stupid."

"Who're you calling stupid, stupid?"

The argument as cut short when the Harry's computer beeped. "You've got mail!" burst through the speakers. Harry jumped up.

"It's probably from my only love, Draco… I mean, Ginny!" he rushed to the computer.

Dear Miss…apologies, Mr. Potter,

We are very… pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Bogwash's Quality School of Magic. Please board the school cruise ship at 12:13 on Monday, September 1, at the Lodsden Boat Landing, Dock 4.7. As a first year student at Bogwash's you will be required to bring all of the items listed below:

Forty Two Bottles of Premium Pantene Pro-V Shampoo

One Plunger (V. Important)

One Mop Bucket

Five Sets Clashing Clothing (Outfitty attire is not permitted)

One Moose

32 containers of orange Tic-Tacs

Books:

One Million Poisons, by I. Shal Kilu

How to Woo Cartoon Characters, by Isuk Maj Orley

Killing Your Enemies, by Iam Ven Jeful

How to Lower One's Self Esteem, by Ido Notli Kemee

Why All the Above Books Actually Matter, by Sir Casum

Putting on Y our Underwear, by Elas Tic Band

"WOW!!!" Hairy exclaimed. "Hug me, brother!" Harry screamed, running full speed at his cousin, his arms outstretched.

"Wait!" Dudley held out his hands to stop his cousin.

"I have to pee!" Dudley exited, jumping excitedly about. Harry joined his aunt and uncle in the kitchen.

"I CAN DO MAGIC!!! YIPEEEEE!!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Uncle Vernon screamed, rushing to unplug the demonic computer.

Harry sobbed. "Now my dearest Dra-- Ginny will never be able to e-mail me! MY LIFE IS RUINED!!!!!"