Susan lay back in the strange bed for the last time. Tomorrow Mark could go home – really home. Back to Chicago. Back to reality. Maybe this had all been some cruel dream. But more importantly, tomorrow they'd get his results. They kept putting them off but they'd promised them this time and doctors never make promises unless they know they can keep them. So as a rule, doctors don't make promises. They'd finished all the tests. Pretty much every test known to man, and a few that weren't, Mark insisted. And they had the results. They'd compile them and have their summary ready when Mark was released. Tomorrow.
"Get some sleep." Mark had squeezed her hand goodbye.
"You too." She'd replied mindlessly.
But she wasn't sleeping. Fortunately for Mark, even the tension, the fear, the waiting couldn't keep him awake. Surgery has that effect on you – the body's so busy healing it doesn't save much energy for living.
Tomorrow… only an hour away. Susan looked at the clock wryly. She had a feeling they wouldn't have the summary ready at a minute past midnight. Even if she gave them that whole minute's grace. But is wasn't the waiting that really got to her. It was the fact that at the end of it a person would give them a tiny snippet of information and it would change the rest of Mark's life – however long that might be. And it would change the rest of her life – live or die, he'd changed her life. She'd never just get over him. If he died she might move on, but get over him? She didn't even want to if she had to. She'd rather be miserable and hold onto him.
"Right. It's you and me God. He has never done ANYTHING to deserve this. You let plenty of jerks live comfortable, even happy lives. But NO… you have to pick one of the best pieces of work you ever did and that's the one who gets to suffer. His stupid wife cheats on him. Her loss, but you let him love her in the first place and if he hadn't loved her it wouldn't hurt him. His daughter moves away. Our baby dies. And just when things seem to improve in the slightest… y'know, maybe I could be good for him, maybe we could be happy. And that's when you choose to strike! Why'd you bother then? Why'd you let us have anything good if you're just going to take it away again, cause frankly we'd be better off not knowing what we're missing out on. Why him…?" her voice dropped as the tears started. "Oh God, just let him be okay. Just make him better and… just let him be okay… I'll do anything God just don't hurt him. I love him so much. So much. You can do what you like with me but please let him be okay…" she cried until she ran out of tears.
She was wide awake. She sat up. She needed answers. The medical ones wouldn't come till tomorrow. But there had to be something. 'How does it work God? Aren't you meant to be the good guy? I don't get it.' She picked up the magazines and threw them on the floor. She pulled open the bedside drawer. There it was. Every hotel room has a bible. 'Well, I don't know a thing about this thing. But I'm pretty sure you like the miracle bit and its gonna be a miracle if I find anything in this," she looked at the thickness of the book. She let it fall open in the middle.
"though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…"
'nice. Oh come on. You can do better than that.' She flicked forward.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
'well, that's better. But what if we get bad news tomorrow. That's no hope or future I want any part of.' She sighed, realising she wasn't going to find what she wanted to hear. But something told her to keep looking – she might not get what she wanted to hear, but what she needed to hear. She flicked forward again and it fell open with this highlighted:
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Another sigh. She read over it a few times. 'death won't separate me from the love of God. Well that's something God, but I don't want to be separated from Mark. I need him. Maybe you are good. Maybe you do love me or something. But if you made everything then surely you made love too. So if I love Mark then you gave me that love. Please don't take it away.' She was too tired to argue anymore. 'God, I need to sleep. I'm going to need some energy tomorrow, no matter what happens. Even if he's really sick you could still fix him. But I can't think about it anymore. I just don't have anything left in me. I'm spent.' She flicked off the light. 'Oh, please let him be okay God. I need him to be okay.'
She slept.
"Get some sleep." Mark had squeezed her hand goodbye.
"You too." She'd replied mindlessly.
But she wasn't sleeping. Fortunately for Mark, even the tension, the fear, the waiting couldn't keep him awake. Surgery has that effect on you – the body's so busy healing it doesn't save much energy for living.
Tomorrow… only an hour away. Susan looked at the clock wryly. She had a feeling they wouldn't have the summary ready at a minute past midnight. Even if she gave them that whole minute's grace. But is wasn't the waiting that really got to her. It was the fact that at the end of it a person would give them a tiny snippet of information and it would change the rest of Mark's life – however long that might be. And it would change the rest of her life – live or die, he'd changed her life. She'd never just get over him. If he died she might move on, but get over him? She didn't even want to if she had to. She'd rather be miserable and hold onto him.
"Right. It's you and me God. He has never done ANYTHING to deserve this. You let plenty of jerks live comfortable, even happy lives. But NO… you have to pick one of the best pieces of work you ever did and that's the one who gets to suffer. His stupid wife cheats on him. Her loss, but you let him love her in the first place and if he hadn't loved her it wouldn't hurt him. His daughter moves away. Our baby dies. And just when things seem to improve in the slightest… y'know, maybe I could be good for him, maybe we could be happy. And that's when you choose to strike! Why'd you bother then? Why'd you let us have anything good if you're just going to take it away again, cause frankly we'd be better off not knowing what we're missing out on. Why him…?" her voice dropped as the tears started. "Oh God, just let him be okay. Just make him better and… just let him be okay… I'll do anything God just don't hurt him. I love him so much. So much. You can do what you like with me but please let him be okay…" she cried until she ran out of tears.
She was wide awake. She sat up. She needed answers. The medical ones wouldn't come till tomorrow. But there had to be something. 'How does it work God? Aren't you meant to be the good guy? I don't get it.' She picked up the magazines and threw them on the floor. She pulled open the bedside drawer. There it was. Every hotel room has a bible. 'Well, I don't know a thing about this thing. But I'm pretty sure you like the miracle bit and its gonna be a miracle if I find anything in this," she looked at the thickness of the book. She let it fall open in the middle.
"though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…"
'nice. Oh come on. You can do better than that.' She flicked forward.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
'well, that's better. But what if we get bad news tomorrow. That's no hope or future I want any part of.' She sighed, realising she wasn't going to find what she wanted to hear. But something told her to keep looking – she might not get what she wanted to hear, but what she needed to hear. She flicked forward again and it fell open with this highlighted:
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Another sigh. She read over it a few times. 'death won't separate me from the love of God. Well that's something God, but I don't want to be separated from Mark. I need him. Maybe you are good. Maybe you do love me or something. But if you made everything then surely you made love too. So if I love Mark then you gave me that love. Please don't take it away.' She was too tired to argue anymore. 'God, I need to sleep. I'm going to need some energy tomorrow, no matter what happens. Even if he's really sick you could still fix him. But I can't think about it anymore. I just don't have anything left in me. I'm spent.' She flicked off the light. 'Oh, please let him be okay God. I need him to be okay.'
She slept.