A/N: This is sick! And it's somewhat SLASH!!! Please do not flame me!

I own only the plot. I do not own characters or anything else, but the plot. And maybe a miniskirt or two! ;P

Crazy Story #1

Harry ran over to Ron and Hermione, who were trying to dance while each holding a bottle of rum.

"Oy! Draco's pole dancing in vinyl trousers!" Harry said excitedly, his words slurring. Hermione blinked at him. Ron giggled and followed his two friends to where Draco Malfoy was indeed pole dancing in vinyl trousers.

"Potter, wanna join me?" Draco asked seductively. Harry swayed and nodded slightly.

"My head hurts though!" Harry complained as he jumped on the stage to join his lover.

"I'll fix it later, dear. Let's just do the show!" Draco's voice was high and squeaky from the alcohol he had drunk. Harry wrapped his leg around Draco's waist and they spun around the pole together, occasionally glancing at the audience, who weren't paying attention. Hermione had begun making out with Professor Trelawney and Ron was stripping off his clothes.

"I'm going to be a Teacup Reader, my love," Ron's voice giggled in Trelawney's ear. Hermione pulled away from the professor and looked at Ron.

"Oh yeah? Well, I'm going to be a Licensed Kelpie Hunter!" Hermione choked out, before swigging rum.

"Oh yeah? Well, I'm going to bottle ink!" Harry shouted over the noise in club. Ron tackled Harry and started licking his ear.

"Ron! I'm with Malfoy, not you. You have Hagrid!" Harry shouted as Ron's tongue slid over his nose.

"But Hagrid's watching hair grow at a tremendous rate!" Ron stopped licking Harry's face. Harry pushed Ron off and shoved Malfoy against a wall. Ron's face turned green.

"Well, fine Harry! I see how it is! First you go off and suck my dick, then you want Malfoy?" Ron screamed. Malfoy's eyes got wide and he slapped Harry across the face.

"You sucked the Weasel's dick! And then you expect to touch me?" Draco screamed at Harry. Harry rounded on Ron. Ron turned purple and ran away screaming like a donkey. Harry looked around at everyone. Trelawney was kissing Pavarti quite passionately, Hermione was reading 'Passionate Trousers,' Ron was still screaming and running in circles, Malfoy was serving ribs to Voldemort, and Neville was squawking at a couple of hags. Harry suddenly couldn't feel his legs and fell into Hermione.

"I was busy here!" she shouted as her finger came out of that 'special' area. Harry smiled vaguely at her and shoved his nose in her eyes.

"Do you see anything up there?" he asked with a gasp. His skirt was thrown over his head and something was shoved in his bottom.

"Malfoy, love! I knew you'd come back to me!" Harry said happily.

"Harry, that's not Malfoy." Hermione said with a cringe.

"Who is it then?" Harry asked excitedly. He turned and saw Ron with his eyes closed and mouth open in a pleasured expression.

"Ooooh, Ickle Ronnikins enjoying himself?" Harry asked. Ron grunted.

"Harry!!! Kiss me!" Hermione tried to suck Harry's tongue from his mouth. He choked and pulled away.

"I want Dumbledore though." He said sadly. Hermione started crying. Harry decided to look for Malfoy. When he found him, he was still wearing his vinyl trousers.

"Here," Draco said as he handed Harry a leather skirt, "We have another show to do."

Harry quickly changed into the black leather skirt and hot pink leather bikini top. They stumbled onto the stage and began swinging around the pole again. This time people actually paid attention. Ron was shouting, Trelawney was trying to climb on stage, and Dumbledore was flirting with Snape. Hermione was still reading 'Passionate Trousers.'

"Harry, I love you!" Draco whispered in Harry's ear. He leaned over and licked Harry's ear.

"I love Ron too."

"Good, we agree then!"

A/N: Yes, I'm a sick person. I was VERY bored, and it was a challenge!