I have never really been much of a words person. Expressing feelings and
all that... stuff. I didn't do it. I didn't like it. Honestly? It makes me
nervous. The touchy-feely wasn't for me. Nope. I'd rather be... Stoic.
Straightforward. Unflappable. And, normally, I succeeded in that mission. I
worked hard. Was always there for my family. For my friends. I didn't need
anything in return.
Ahhh... But, when it comes to Lorelai... All of that goes straight to hell. Everything that I have worked so hard to be takes a backburner. She makes me crazy! She does! Crazy I tell ya... She yaks incessantly about things that I barely understand. She's constantly teasing me or referring to me as "Burger Boy" or "Mr. Backwards Baseball Hat". She's self-centered, and too cocky for her own good. I swear, she thinks that the world revolves around the Lorelai Axis. She's ..., she..., she.......
She's amazing.
No matter how much I have tried to deny it ... oh, and believe me, I have tried... I can't do it anymore. Well, not since I read that stupid book.
Actually, to be honest, it probably wasn't such a stupid book.
It's opened my eyes. Given me a kick in the keister so to speak. Made me wake up to all those damn feelings... those things that I usually refuse to acknowledge... which have been lying dormant in me for years. Years! How many years exactly? God... I don't even know.
When I first met Lorelai, she was just this young mother who worked at the inn. She was a pain. Even then. For some reason, she insisted on calling me Duke! Ha! But, I felt for her. And for Rory. Gosh, I love that kid. It couldn't have been easy doing what Lorelai did. Raising Rory on her own like that? Incredible. So, for all her wackiness, I knew that beneath the surface, there was one great woman in there. At some point, our relationship became more than "coffee guy" and "customer". We became... friends.
But, I was with Rachel. I loved Rachel. I really did...at first. She was gorgeous, and funny, and smart. My gut just told me that I should be with her. Unfortunately, Rachel's gut wasn't as sure as mine when it counted. Her numerous disappearing acts could give David Copperfield a run for his money. And, when she wanted me back... I couldn't give her what she needed. At the time, I didn't even realize why I was feeling so... so... wrong... about being with Rachel. I mean, she was the same person that she had always been. But, I guess ... I wasn't. Well, fundamentally, I was. But, sometime between Rachel leaving and her coming back for the last time... I had moved on. To Lorelai. And, dammit... I didn't even know it! Hey, I never said that being insightful was one of my finer traits.
And, after all this time... after so many failed attempts at moving on with my life, of ridding myself of wanting Lorelai, and even getting married to another person in the process, I had decided enough was enough. I was just sick and tired of playing games. These last few weeks, I had decided to take matters into my own hands. Deep down I had always thought that Lorelai and I not being together was a timing issue. She was in a relationship. Then, I would be in a relationship. Then, she would be in a relationship. Or, we would be in a fight. Or, I would have too much fear or pride or stupidity. And, so on and so forth. But, they were all just excuses. The book made me realize that I needed to go after what I wanted. Not later, but NOW. And, the twist of fate was, that it actually was perfect timing. I had just divorced Nicole. Lorelai had just broken up with someone. And, so I did it. I took destiny into my own two hands and asked her to Liz's wedding. I told her she looked beautiful for the very first time after having thought it about a million times before. And, I asked her to dance. To dance! I had even practiced the night before. Just in case. And God dammit. It felt so good. To hold her like that. To look at her so closely. She was breathtaking.
And, what happened tonight. WOW... I have had dreams about kissing Lorelai for several years. But, man, the reality was so much better than I could have ever imagined. Having her body pressed into mine. Kissing her for the first time was like finally giving in to this feeling of desperate hunger. After the first kiss, I stepped back... not knowing what my next move was going to be. My mind was racing. My heart was beating so fast, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. But, I didn't have to worry... because the next move was hers... and she kissed me back. She kissed me back!... And, it was more passionate than the first. Then, when we pulled apart, it was like I had finally realized what I had been missing all these years. I just wanted her so badly. I just wanted to lose myself in her. It just felt so right. So right.
Damn that Kirk.
It's her. It's always been her. Well, at least for some time now. She was my fantasy. She was the one. Is the one. She's ruined it for any other woman I will ever meet in my life. Even my relationship with Nicole... a total car-wreck the minute it started by the way... never lived up to my fantasy of being with Lorelai. I actually remember the day I first asked Nicole out. Just the day before, I had been teaching Lorelai how to fish. And, although I berated her on her ridiculous fishing costume, I internally admitted that she looked cute. She mentioned to me that she was learning how to fish in order to impress some Joe Schmoe. And, it hit me right then. Stop being a fool Luke Danes! Stop waiting for the fantasy. Just take what's right in front of ya! And, Nicole was it. It's kind of funny now... but definitely not at the time... to think that Nicole had been unfaithful to me. Because, in a way, my heart was never fully hers. My heart had always been unfaithful to her.
Aw man... Listen to me! Talking about my heart... like a blithering idiot. See... this... THIS... is the effect of Lorelai Victoria Gilmore. This is what she does to me. This is woman who convinces me to put up signs in my front window. I HATE putting up signs in my front window! Or, to bid on her basket for one of those inane town events for heaven's sake! Or, to give pep talks at the local high school!
On the other hand, she's also the woman who listens to me when I need someone to talk to. She's there by my side when noone else will be. She just... she just cares about me, ya know? And, it's nice. It's nice to have someone who cares. Because for all my stoicism... sometimes I do need someone... someone to be there for me as much as I'll be there for them.
I wonder where she went? After I came back from chasing down Kirk, she was nowhere to be found. I need to see her. To talk to her. That is if the words come. What will I say? I need to find her. I just can't wait any longer.
God dammit, I've waited for so long as it is.
Ahhh... But, when it comes to Lorelai... All of that goes straight to hell. Everything that I have worked so hard to be takes a backburner. She makes me crazy! She does! Crazy I tell ya... She yaks incessantly about things that I barely understand. She's constantly teasing me or referring to me as "Burger Boy" or "Mr. Backwards Baseball Hat". She's self-centered, and too cocky for her own good. I swear, she thinks that the world revolves around the Lorelai Axis. She's ..., she..., she.......
She's amazing.
No matter how much I have tried to deny it ... oh, and believe me, I have tried... I can't do it anymore. Well, not since I read that stupid book.
Actually, to be honest, it probably wasn't such a stupid book.
It's opened my eyes. Given me a kick in the keister so to speak. Made me wake up to all those damn feelings... those things that I usually refuse to acknowledge... which have been lying dormant in me for years. Years! How many years exactly? God... I don't even know.
When I first met Lorelai, she was just this young mother who worked at the inn. She was a pain. Even then. For some reason, she insisted on calling me Duke! Ha! But, I felt for her. And for Rory. Gosh, I love that kid. It couldn't have been easy doing what Lorelai did. Raising Rory on her own like that? Incredible. So, for all her wackiness, I knew that beneath the surface, there was one great woman in there. At some point, our relationship became more than "coffee guy" and "customer". We became... friends.
But, I was with Rachel. I loved Rachel. I really did...at first. She was gorgeous, and funny, and smart. My gut just told me that I should be with her. Unfortunately, Rachel's gut wasn't as sure as mine when it counted. Her numerous disappearing acts could give David Copperfield a run for his money. And, when she wanted me back... I couldn't give her what she needed. At the time, I didn't even realize why I was feeling so... so... wrong... about being with Rachel. I mean, she was the same person that she had always been. But, I guess ... I wasn't. Well, fundamentally, I was. But, sometime between Rachel leaving and her coming back for the last time... I had moved on. To Lorelai. And, dammit... I didn't even know it! Hey, I never said that being insightful was one of my finer traits.
And, after all this time... after so many failed attempts at moving on with my life, of ridding myself of wanting Lorelai, and even getting married to another person in the process, I had decided enough was enough. I was just sick and tired of playing games. These last few weeks, I had decided to take matters into my own hands. Deep down I had always thought that Lorelai and I not being together was a timing issue. She was in a relationship. Then, I would be in a relationship. Then, she would be in a relationship. Or, we would be in a fight. Or, I would have too much fear or pride or stupidity. And, so on and so forth. But, they were all just excuses. The book made me realize that I needed to go after what I wanted. Not later, but NOW. And, the twist of fate was, that it actually was perfect timing. I had just divorced Nicole. Lorelai had just broken up with someone. And, so I did it. I took destiny into my own two hands and asked her to Liz's wedding. I told her she looked beautiful for the very first time after having thought it about a million times before. And, I asked her to dance. To dance! I had even practiced the night before. Just in case. And God dammit. It felt so good. To hold her like that. To look at her so closely. She was breathtaking.
And, what happened tonight. WOW... I have had dreams about kissing Lorelai for several years. But, man, the reality was so much better than I could have ever imagined. Having her body pressed into mine. Kissing her for the first time was like finally giving in to this feeling of desperate hunger. After the first kiss, I stepped back... not knowing what my next move was going to be. My mind was racing. My heart was beating so fast, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. But, I didn't have to worry... because the next move was hers... and she kissed me back. She kissed me back!... And, it was more passionate than the first. Then, when we pulled apart, it was like I had finally realized what I had been missing all these years. I just wanted her so badly. I just wanted to lose myself in her. It just felt so right. So right.
Damn that Kirk.
It's her. It's always been her. Well, at least for some time now. She was my fantasy. She was the one. Is the one. She's ruined it for any other woman I will ever meet in my life. Even my relationship with Nicole... a total car-wreck the minute it started by the way... never lived up to my fantasy of being with Lorelai. I actually remember the day I first asked Nicole out. Just the day before, I had been teaching Lorelai how to fish. And, although I berated her on her ridiculous fishing costume, I internally admitted that she looked cute. She mentioned to me that she was learning how to fish in order to impress some Joe Schmoe. And, it hit me right then. Stop being a fool Luke Danes! Stop waiting for the fantasy. Just take what's right in front of ya! And, Nicole was it. It's kind of funny now... but definitely not at the time... to think that Nicole had been unfaithful to me. Because, in a way, my heart was never fully hers. My heart had always been unfaithful to her.
Aw man... Listen to me! Talking about my heart... like a blithering idiot. See... this... THIS... is the effect of Lorelai Victoria Gilmore. This is what she does to me. This is woman who convinces me to put up signs in my front window. I HATE putting up signs in my front window! Or, to bid on her basket for one of those inane town events for heaven's sake! Or, to give pep talks at the local high school!
On the other hand, she's also the woman who listens to me when I need someone to talk to. She's there by my side when noone else will be. She just... she just cares about me, ya know? And, it's nice. It's nice to have someone who cares. Because for all my stoicism... sometimes I do need someone... someone to be there for me as much as I'll be there for them.
I wonder where she went? After I came back from chasing down Kirk, she was nowhere to be found. I need to see her. To talk to her. That is if the words come. What will I say? I need to find her. I just can't wait any longer.
God dammit, I've waited for so long as it is.