My personal fave... an ANGST SELF-INSERTION FIC!
This one is... a bit more well written than the other two. Blame my stupid need for having stuff perfect =) Oh and I'd just like to say that I'm not going to have any normal Mary-Sue names like Ellen, Jane or Sarah. They will either be landmasses, foods, objects, animals, or plants.
Earthworm ran. She didn't know where, but she had to run away. Somewhere. Anywhere away from here. Turkey hadn't been at home, and he had left her alone with Cheese-man again. Earthworm hated Cheese-man. Turkey was the only one she had left. Her parents had died, more accurately, had been murdered, when she was seven and Turkey was eighteen. No one really cared much. But they got to talking. Whatever happened to that poor little DeJour girl. No one had caught sight of her for nine years, since her parents had died. People said she killed them. Others said Turkey did it. Some people even said Cheese-man did it. Who gives a flying banana? It's obvious VOLDEMORT did it. Duh. Or we wouldn't have a story now would we.
The last time Turkey left Earthworm alone with Cheese-man, trouble occurred.
"Nice tits," He yelled to the sixteen-year-old. She put her head down and rushed out of the room, only to find Turkey going out the door.
"Don't go, please," She whispered to him.
"Don't be a baby, Earth." Turkey said, ruffling her hair. He hadn't heard Cheese-man's outburst, probably because of the long three metres between them. "Cheese-man's here to look after you, anyway. I'll only be gone half an hour at the most."
"I'll look after you," Cheese-man grinned evilly and patted her on the head. Directly in Turkey's line of vision, he put his other hand around Earthworm's butt and she flinched. "Bye, bye, Turkey." He waved at the retreating car. "Now we can have some fun."
Although at twenty-seven years old, eleven years her senior, Cheese-man never tired of making comments and touching Earthworm whenever Turkey wasn't looking. Well, even when Turkey WAS looking, but he didn't seem to notice, or pay special attention. She hated him for it, but never told Turkey. She didn't want him to think she was weak, or worse, not believe her, think she was just trying to discredit his best friend, and chuck her out of the house. If she didn't live here she had nowhere else to go. Have a cry.
"Please... just leave me be." She said, trying to run up the stairs, but he grabbed the end of her long chocolate ponytail and pulled her backwards, down to the ground where she cracked her head on the cement floor. Her head swimming, she passed out just as she saw Cheese-man fumbling with his silver belt buckle. (Dude rank)
When she came to, she was underneath her bedclothes, but she was fully naked. She sat up quickly, trying to remember what happened, but her head swam and she was violently sick all over her blanket. Turkey entered the room.
"Cheese-man says you hit your head." Turkey said, holding a glass of water. "You hurled all over your clothes... he put you to bed."
The pain between Earthworm's legs told her this was not the case, but she said nothing. "Is he here now."
Turkey shook his head. "No. He'll come over tonight though. We're grabbin' a couple beers and watching the game."
Earthworm sighed. Another night of torture.
That night rolled around, and, lo and behold, they ran out of beer and chips. "I'll get some more." Turkey offered, grabbing the keys to his old Camira.
"Thanks mate," Cheese-man said, eyeing Earthworm.
But she didn't give Cheese-man a chance to come within two metres of her this time. As soon as Turkey left the room, she ran out of the house. Cheese-man pulled her back in though, waving to Turkey. The knife at her back told her to do the same... or suffer the consequences. But as soon as Turkey was out of sight, she span around and kicked Cheese-man in the face. He fell back, his nose bleeding.
"I'll get you for this, little bitch!" He yelled as she turned tail and fled.
She had been running for around half an hour... longer than normal but not long enough to be away from Vile Cheese-man. She heard a car pull up beside her. --Please let it not be Cheese-man, please...-- But it was Turkey, and he looked really angry.
"I just came home and found out you smashed Cheese-man's fucking face in!" He yelled. "What is with you?"
"He..." Earthworm said. "He raped me, alright? Then he was GONNA again but I smashed him and ran awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...." Earthworm elongated the 'A' for approximately three days.
Turkey fell asleep. When Earthworm had finished with her elongation, she realised he had fallen asleep. She poked him.
"Huh?" Turkey said. Earthworm repeated what she had said, leaving out the elongation. "That assrapist! I'm gonna kill the mofo!"
"No, Turkey, it wasn't his fault..." Earthworm said. Even though she hated Cheese-man, she couldn't bear to have another human being die on her account. (See here where the Mary-Sue-ness comes through?) "Just never talk to him again. That will be fine by me."
It was in this moment Turkey saw Earthworm as not a burden he had to care for, not a small child, but as a beautiful woman, who knew what she wanted and needed and wasn't afraid to ask for it. Oh my god I think I shall burn my fingers like Richard from survivor because I cannot believe I just wrote that sentence.
"Ok." He said softly. "Walk home, Cheese-man might get violent."
And he did a 180° turn and sped off towards their house. Earthworm walked slowly back the way she came. It would take longer this way; she'd be back in about an hour. After about fifteen minutes, she was dimly aware of someone walking behind her. She span around and saw no-one.
"Hi," No-one said. "Sup?"
"Arg." Earthworm said, and continued walking. She heard a second set of footsteps behind her. She span around again, this time seeing no-one AND a tall, pale man, with a hooked nose and greasy black hair. He looked like a paedophile, so Earthworm tried to kick him. He simply caught hold of her foot though, and pulled her over. She had a fleeting memory of hitting her head on concrete sometime previous, (what could THAT be?????) before all was blackness.
-----
"Are you alright?" came a voice from afar. Earthworm opened her eyes. She was in a room full of people in rainbow jumpsuits, all dancing around to the Macarena. It was the man from the street who was talking to her.
"Yeah." She said, sitting up in bed. "Where am I?"
"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Hospital Wing, no less, my dear!" said a motherly looking woman, waving a stick at the dancers. They disappeared.
"I think I owe you an explanation, Earthworm." The man said. "Severus Snape at your service. You are a witch, but the trauma of your parents' death hid your true powers for a time, your magical abilities only surfacing tonight. You are the most powerful witch in a thousand years, yada yada yada."
"Oh." Earthworm said.
-----
Skipping along a few chapters... Halloween ball.
-----
Earthworm pulled her blood red satin dress over her hips and tied it using sheer force of mind. She bared her teeth in the mirror and saw long, sharp canines form, and her usually quite tanned complexion turn pale. She was, for this costume ball, a vampiress.
She walked down to the great hall and saw many faces she recognised, many she didn't. She nervously flattened her chocolate coloured hair and looked around for a friendly face. Seeing no one she recognised, she stood there dumbly for a second.
Suddenly Voldemort entered the room.
"I'm here to kill Earthworm!" He yelled. But he didn't. Because Snape jumped in front of his killing curse, but because of some stupid technicality, he doesn't die but gets grievously injured, yada yada yada, then Earthworm kills Voldemort. Then when Snape recovers, him and Earthworm realise their true feelings and do each other in her dormitory, make love in the library, get it on in the greenhouse, and bump the bed against the walls in Snape's bedchamber, you get it. Then, of course, all the staff and students are FINE with paedophilia, and Earthworm ends up pregnant and has a baby, you know the drill.
They called the baby Tomato Sauce. Hey, no one said Snape was THAT ugly to not get laid.
"Uh, no I didn't." No one said.
"Sorry." Amerikus said. "Just a figure of speech."
This one is... a bit more well written than the other two. Blame my stupid need for having stuff perfect =) Oh and I'd just like to say that I'm not going to have any normal Mary-Sue names like Ellen, Jane or Sarah. They will either be landmasses, foods, objects, animals, or plants.
Earthworm ran. She didn't know where, but she had to run away. Somewhere. Anywhere away from here. Turkey hadn't been at home, and he had left her alone with Cheese-man again. Earthworm hated Cheese-man. Turkey was the only one she had left. Her parents had died, more accurately, had been murdered, when she was seven and Turkey was eighteen. No one really cared much. But they got to talking. Whatever happened to that poor little DeJour girl. No one had caught sight of her for nine years, since her parents had died. People said she killed them. Others said Turkey did it. Some people even said Cheese-man did it. Who gives a flying banana? It's obvious VOLDEMORT did it. Duh. Or we wouldn't have a story now would we.
The last time Turkey left Earthworm alone with Cheese-man, trouble occurred.
"Nice tits," He yelled to the sixteen-year-old. She put her head down and rushed out of the room, only to find Turkey going out the door.
"Don't go, please," She whispered to him.
"Don't be a baby, Earth." Turkey said, ruffling her hair. He hadn't heard Cheese-man's outburst, probably because of the long three metres between them. "Cheese-man's here to look after you, anyway. I'll only be gone half an hour at the most."
"I'll look after you," Cheese-man grinned evilly and patted her on the head. Directly in Turkey's line of vision, he put his other hand around Earthworm's butt and she flinched. "Bye, bye, Turkey." He waved at the retreating car. "Now we can have some fun."
Although at twenty-seven years old, eleven years her senior, Cheese-man never tired of making comments and touching Earthworm whenever Turkey wasn't looking. Well, even when Turkey WAS looking, but he didn't seem to notice, or pay special attention. She hated him for it, but never told Turkey. She didn't want him to think she was weak, or worse, not believe her, think she was just trying to discredit his best friend, and chuck her out of the house. If she didn't live here she had nowhere else to go. Have a cry.
"Please... just leave me be." She said, trying to run up the stairs, but he grabbed the end of her long chocolate ponytail and pulled her backwards, down to the ground where she cracked her head on the cement floor. Her head swimming, she passed out just as she saw Cheese-man fumbling with his silver belt buckle. (Dude rank)
When she came to, she was underneath her bedclothes, but she was fully naked. She sat up quickly, trying to remember what happened, but her head swam and she was violently sick all over her blanket. Turkey entered the room.
"Cheese-man says you hit your head." Turkey said, holding a glass of water. "You hurled all over your clothes... he put you to bed."
The pain between Earthworm's legs told her this was not the case, but she said nothing. "Is he here now."
Turkey shook his head. "No. He'll come over tonight though. We're grabbin' a couple beers and watching the game."
Earthworm sighed. Another night of torture.
That night rolled around, and, lo and behold, they ran out of beer and chips. "I'll get some more." Turkey offered, grabbing the keys to his old Camira.
"Thanks mate," Cheese-man said, eyeing Earthworm.
But she didn't give Cheese-man a chance to come within two metres of her this time. As soon as Turkey left the room, she ran out of the house. Cheese-man pulled her back in though, waving to Turkey. The knife at her back told her to do the same... or suffer the consequences. But as soon as Turkey was out of sight, she span around and kicked Cheese-man in the face. He fell back, his nose bleeding.
"I'll get you for this, little bitch!" He yelled as she turned tail and fled.
She had been running for around half an hour... longer than normal but not long enough to be away from Vile Cheese-man. She heard a car pull up beside her. --Please let it not be Cheese-man, please...-- But it was Turkey, and he looked really angry.
"I just came home and found out you smashed Cheese-man's fucking face in!" He yelled. "What is with you?"
"He..." Earthworm said. "He raped me, alright? Then he was GONNA again but I smashed him and ran awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...." Earthworm elongated the 'A' for approximately three days.
Turkey fell asleep. When Earthworm had finished with her elongation, she realised he had fallen asleep. She poked him.
"Huh?" Turkey said. Earthworm repeated what she had said, leaving out the elongation. "That assrapist! I'm gonna kill the mofo!"
"No, Turkey, it wasn't his fault..." Earthworm said. Even though she hated Cheese-man, she couldn't bear to have another human being die on her account. (See here where the Mary-Sue-ness comes through?) "Just never talk to him again. That will be fine by me."
It was in this moment Turkey saw Earthworm as not a burden he had to care for, not a small child, but as a beautiful woman, who knew what she wanted and needed and wasn't afraid to ask for it. Oh my god I think I shall burn my fingers like Richard from survivor because I cannot believe I just wrote that sentence.
"Ok." He said softly. "Walk home, Cheese-man might get violent."
And he did a 180° turn and sped off towards their house. Earthworm walked slowly back the way she came. It would take longer this way; she'd be back in about an hour. After about fifteen minutes, she was dimly aware of someone walking behind her. She span around and saw no-one.
"Hi," No-one said. "Sup?"
"Arg." Earthworm said, and continued walking. She heard a second set of footsteps behind her. She span around again, this time seeing no-one AND a tall, pale man, with a hooked nose and greasy black hair. He looked like a paedophile, so Earthworm tried to kick him. He simply caught hold of her foot though, and pulled her over. She had a fleeting memory of hitting her head on concrete sometime previous, (what could THAT be?????) before all was blackness.
-----
"Are you alright?" came a voice from afar. Earthworm opened her eyes. She was in a room full of people in rainbow jumpsuits, all dancing around to the Macarena. It was the man from the street who was talking to her.
"Yeah." She said, sitting up in bed. "Where am I?"
"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Hospital Wing, no less, my dear!" said a motherly looking woman, waving a stick at the dancers. They disappeared.
"I think I owe you an explanation, Earthworm." The man said. "Severus Snape at your service. You are a witch, but the trauma of your parents' death hid your true powers for a time, your magical abilities only surfacing tonight. You are the most powerful witch in a thousand years, yada yada yada."
"Oh." Earthworm said.
-----
Skipping along a few chapters... Halloween ball.
-----
Earthworm pulled her blood red satin dress over her hips and tied it using sheer force of mind. She bared her teeth in the mirror and saw long, sharp canines form, and her usually quite tanned complexion turn pale. She was, for this costume ball, a vampiress.
She walked down to the great hall and saw many faces she recognised, many she didn't. She nervously flattened her chocolate coloured hair and looked around for a friendly face. Seeing no one she recognised, she stood there dumbly for a second.
Suddenly Voldemort entered the room.
"I'm here to kill Earthworm!" He yelled. But he didn't. Because Snape jumped in front of his killing curse, but because of some stupid technicality, he doesn't die but gets grievously injured, yada yada yada, then Earthworm kills Voldemort. Then when Snape recovers, him and Earthworm realise their true feelings and do each other in her dormitory, make love in the library, get it on in the greenhouse, and bump the bed against the walls in Snape's bedchamber, you get it. Then, of course, all the staff and students are FINE with paedophilia, and Earthworm ends up pregnant and has a baby, you know the drill.
They called the baby Tomato Sauce. Hey, no one said Snape was THAT ugly to not get laid.
"Uh, no I didn't." No one said.
"Sorry." Amerikus said. "Just a figure of speech."