Disclaimer: See again: the not-owning of anything Hikago.
Author's Notes: Da-dum! New chapter. A bit slow to update, but I've been feeling highly unmotivated lately. Then today I got hyper and wrote the rest of the chapter while watching old episodes of Angel and eating pocky. Go figure. Anyway, read, review, please don't hate.
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Lunch break passed slowly, and to Akira the time seemed particularly sluggish as he sat alone by the front door, lost in thought.
I'm an idiot. An absolute idiot. How could I let my temper loose like that? That's...it's not like me. I'm not supposed to do these things, act this way. He sighed. And it's all your fault, Shindou. You've changed me and I can't get back to where I was, but I don't want to move on to a new place, a new me. I don't like that sort of thought.
Though I suppose it's all moot point now, isn't it? You'll never speak to me again, not after what I just did.
"I should be happy, then," Akira said softly to the empty room. "Isn't that what I wanted? To never speak with him again? So I should be thankful. Thankful."
The words sounded hollow even to his own ears. After a long moment of thought, Akira stood and peered out into the lobby. No one was there. A strange feeling swept over him, as if he was suddenly the only person in the entire building, in the entire universe. He felt cold and wrapped his arms around himself.
What stupid thoughts. What stupid, stupid thoughts. Who cares if I'm alone? I don't. I--I've always been alone. I know that.
"I know that," Akira repeated, trying to gain strength from the words and failing. It's no surprise to me. I never liked spending time with people my own age. I accepted long ago that I didn't need friends to do--to do whatever it is friends do when they don't have to practice Go all day, every day. What do Shindou and his friends do, I wonder? He told me once, that they went places and did things that had absolutely nothing to do with Go. I was surprised, then. I didn't understand. I'm not sure if I do now. I--I know that--
"Touya!" An angry voice sounded from behind him and Akira whirled. He spotted one of Hikaru's friends approaching him, looking angry.
Which one is it? Akira wondered with an almost detached air. I can never remember the names of his friends, even when he told them to me.
"What the heck did you do to Shindou?" Hikaru's friend was right up beside him now, obviously irritated.
"I didn't do anything," Akira immediately said. Waya! That's it. His name is Waya. Shindou said he didn't like me.
....None of them do. No one likes me. Isn't that what I wanted?
"Like hell you didn't!" Waya glared fiercely at Akira and was rewarded with an icy stare. "Shindou's been actin' weird all day, and then he tells me and Isumi-san to go ahead to eat because he has to talk to you, and then when he finally shows up he's acting even weirder! Not to mention there was a big red spot on his face like--"
"Like someone hit him?" Akira prompted. Waya started in surprise, apparently not expecting Akira's sudden interruption. "Yes, that's correct. I hit him." Akira's voice nearly shook, but he managed to control it and keep him tone firm, proud. "I hit him. He shouldn't have been bothering me. I asked him to leave me alone, he wouldn't. So...I hit him."
"You bastard," Waya said through gritted teeth. "I don't know why Shindou ever started hanging around with you."
"Well, that makes two of us," Akira retorted. Why should he spend time with me? It's his own fault that I hit him. If he hadn't been spending so much time with me he wouldn't have made me fall in love with him. Then I wouldn't be having these stupid thoughts and I wouldn't be having these stupid feelings and I wouldn't be having this pointless conversation with Shindou's loud and irritating friend.
"You're such a jerk," Waya said. "Shindou was always defending you, you know? Should've known you'd do something like this to him."
"What do you care?" Akira said. He had long abandoned all pretense of politeness. "It's none of your business what passes between Shindou and I. I already know that you don't like me, so there's no need to have this conversation. It has nothing to do with you."
"Shindou's my friend," Waya said irritably. "And so what if I don't like you? Shindou liked you and apparently that didn't do him any good. I just wanna make sure you don't hurt my friend any more."
"It's his own fault he got hurt," Akira replied, turning away so that his face couldn't be seen. It's his own fault he got hurt. It's my own fault that I'm hurt. So we can deal with our own wounds on our own. I don't need to talk to him and I certainly don't need to talk to his friend.
...His friend. Akira glanced back at Waya, his eyes searching for something even he couldn't name. You're Shindou's friend. Something I've never really been. Never really wanted to be, not at first. He was out playing games with you and that other one the day he was late. The one that started all of this foolishness, because I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was because he ignored me and spent time with you that all this happened. So it is his fault. It must be his fault. I'm sure these thoughts would have all gone away in their own time if only...if only he hadn't decided, without even realizing it, that I wasn't worth being on time for.
"You have nothing to worry about," Akira said, his voice quiet but forceful. "I won't be speaking to Shindou ever again. As far as I'm concerned, we're strangers."
Without waiting for Waya's reply, Akira went back into the game room and knelt down before his board, waiting for lunch break to end. Waya stared after him for a moment, then turned and left.
The room was already filling back up with players when Waya finally returned with Hikaru in tow. Hikaru was looking uncharacteristically subdued and thoughtful as Akira watched him out of the corner of his eye.
There's not even a mark on his face now, he thought. You can't even tell that I hit him. It doesn't change the fact that I did, but...you can't tell. We could pretend it all never happened. If I asked, would he agree? I don't think so. Why would I ask? We can't forget, just like he won't forget what I said yesterday about loving him. That was a mistake too. Two mistakes. If we could somehow forget them both it would be okay, perhaps. Or perhaps not. I don't think it will ever be okay until I can get all these thoughts out of my head, until I can stop watching him out of the corner of my eyes, until I can stop my heart from beating a little bit faster when he's near. Then it will certainly be all right. I'll be myself again, not this--this mix of myself with Shindou inside. I'll be normal again. I won't love. Everything will be the way it should be.
And again, I'll have nothing but Go. Nothing but Go. Nothing but...Shindou... No! Not him. Never him. Never again.
Akira's opponent took that moment to reappear and Akira swiftly cleared his mind and focused his eyes on the game. It was already as good as won and he knew it; he only had to take the time to forget Hikaru and play. He was thankful for the respite.
It was only a few minutes later when Akira's opponent resigned. Akira bowed to him as the other pro stood to leave, then glanced surreptitiously back towards where Hikaru was sitting. The other boy still seemed to be fully occupied with his game.
Good. I can leave before he's even finished. Akira stood and quietly left the room. He grabbed his shoes and coat and headed towards the door. He likely won't finish until I'm already far away. Maybe I'll even be home by then. That will give me some time, at least until the next game day. After that...I don't know. Maybe there will be nothing after that. I'll go back to being just his rival. We won't have to keep trying to pretend we're friends. We won't be anything.
That's what I want to be, isn't it? Just his rival. That's what I want. But....
But I'm lying. It's not what I want. I want to be....
I want to be his....
Akira shook his head and stepped outside, then quickly jumped back inside the building. It had begun raining again, and he could hear a low rumble of thunder in the distance.
"Damn," Akira muttered under his breath. He didn't swear very often, and somehow it felt nice to do so, as if it was some sort of release. He had heard on the news that morning that it was supposed to rain, but he had been too preoccupied to even think about bringing an umbrella along. Besides, he hadn't yet gotten a new one, and he hadn't been sure if his parents had any extras lying around. I'm not getting sick again. That's part of what caused all this in the first place. I'll....I'll just have to wait for it to stop.
Akira settled himself in a corner by one of the windows, sitting backwards on a soft red-cushioned chair, placing his arms on the inside windowsill and staring out at the rain, resting his chin on his upturned palms. He had been sitting there for around ten minutes when he heard familiar voices echoing down the hall. Akira turned slightly to look.
"I still don't get how you could make such a dumb move, Shindou," Waya said as he, Hikaru and Isumi stepped out the elevator, umbrellas clutched tightly in their hands. Hikaru was smiling, but there was something strained in his expression. None of the boys had even noticed Akira perched on his chair in the corner.
"I still won, didn't I?" Hikaru grumbled.
"Barely," Isumi said. "Is something wrong, Shindou? You haven't been acting normal since we went to lunch."
"I told you guys, I'm fine!" Hikaru said defensively. "I...I just got into a bit of a fight with Touya, that's all."
"Touya hit him," Waya added. "That jerk."
"He didn't--" Hikaru started to protest and Waya cut him off.
"Yeah he did! He told me!"
"Touya Akira hit you?" Isumi raised an eyebrow. "He doesn't really seem like the fighting type. Waya, on the other hand...."
"Isumi-san!" Waya squawked.
"You did punch Mashiba-san that one time," Isumi reminded him.
"Well....he had it coming," Waya grumbled. "Besides, we aren't talking about me. We were talking about Touya and--"
"It's nothing," Hikaru said with finality. "Really, guys, it's not like Touya jumped me or anything."
"How do we know that?" Waya murmured.
"I told you--" The three stepped outside into the rain and Akira heard Hikaru's voice trail off. He glanced back out the window, watching them walk off together, side by side. Akira felt a sudden sharp ache in his chest. The pain was almost palpable, almost real enough to bring tears to his eyes.
I want....
I want...
I don't know what I want. I haven't ever wanted anyone before, so I can't understand how to respond. But Shindou....
I want....
I want to know how. I want to know how I feel, what I feel. I want to know what it is to feel. I want to know what it is to have these unknown fires burning inside me.
I want....
I want to smother those fires. But then I can't stand that either. I want to know my own mind. I want to understand why this hurts so much, and why I keep rejecting these thoughts even when secretly I want to hold them to me.
I want...
I want to be one of them. I want to be able to talk to him in ways like those other boys, to just talk to him about nothing at all, or about something that happened in the past, or just lightly tease him and be teased back. I want to walk home in the rain with him. I want to touch his hand and see him smile. I want to make him smile. I want to hear him laugh.
I....
I want...
I want to stop lying to myself. I've been doing that from the start. Why do I keep doing that? I've never lied to myself before. I've always sought out the answers to my questions, rather than shying away from them. I've always picked a goal and sought it out, chose a path and followed it honestly. So why do I keep lying now? Why do I keep hiding the truth that I know is inside me? I'm not ready to love anyone. I think I'm scared of it. But still....
Still I want....I want to love him. And I want him to love me back. Is this a bad thing? Is it really wrong? Does it matter either way? I can't understand it. I want him... no matter what I tell myself, no matter what I say or do to him...I do want him.
Akira felt tears well up in his eyes and he lowered his head, trying to hide them. One shaking hand clutched tightly at his shirt by his heart, as if injured. He turned around and sank into the chair, pulling his legs up close to his chest.
All that I really want is all I've been denying myself, he thought desperately. I can't understand this. Is it okay, if I love him? Is it good, to feel this way, to want to be so close to him, to touch him and taste him and love him?
Is it too late now? Have I ruined things? I think that he hates me now, but his face... that face wasn't Shindou's, not his normal face. I know how to read him, because I've watched him so long. He was upset. But after the shock of it passes, will he hate me? I should talk to him.
But then what do I do if he hates me? I'm neck deep in a mess of my own making. I'm not used to that, either. I've never even been in trouble with my parents. Always Akira, the obedient child, never causes trouble, never makes a scene....so now what? I have to fix things. But I'm afraid. I've never been afraid like this in my life but...
But I'm afraid that I've destroyed it all.
"Akira?" A hand touched his shoulder and Akira jumped, nearly falling out of the chair.
"Ashiwara-san?" Akira glanced up through his bangs, trying clumsily to hide his tears.
"Is something wrong? Are you feeling sick or something? You looked like you were in pain," Ashiwara said, concerned. "Do you want me to call your parents?"
"N-no, I'm all right," Akira choked out. "I just...it's nothing. I can't talk about it."
"Are you sure? You don't sound well..." Ashiwara still looked worried. Akira swiftly wiped a hand across his eyes and looked up. His expression was tired and his face paler than usual.
"Ashiwara-san..." Akira paused, considering his words. "Have you ever been in love with someone?"
"Why are you asking that?" Ashiwara wondered. Suddenly it seemed to hit him. "Akira, do you--"
"No," Akira said swiftly. He paused again. "Maybe. I--I like someone, but I'm not sure if that person likes me back. I've made several large mistakes in--in the way I've dealt with this person. I'm not sure if they even like me anymore." He was careful to remain deliberately neutral as to the gender of said person.
"Akira, I--I'm not really a good person to give you advice on this. Maybe you should ask your father?"
"No, that's not necessary. I was just...I don't know. I just felt like saying it out loud." Akira lowered his head, looking thoughtful. Ashiwara stood there watching him, feeling suddenly uncomfortable, as if he was looking in on a private moment.
"D-do you need a ride home? I noticed you didn't bring an umbrella."
"No, that's all right. I'll wait here." Akira didn't look up even as he replied. "I'll see you later, Ashiwara-san."
"Right." Ashiwara stared at him a moment more, then said his goodbyes and left. Akira barely noticed his absence.
Shifting in his seat, Akira turned his head and waited for the rain to stop.
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That's a little less cliffhanger-y than the last chapter, I think. New chapter coming sooner or later (sooner or later than what, now that's the question.)