Disclaimer: You know the drill. Think of a cool disclaimer, pretend I wrote it.
Author's Notes: A~a~ah, sorry I'm late! Sorry sorry! I got very distracted by life and college, and Spring Break threw off my internal schedule, I didn't realize I was late until just a few days ago. Plus I've been busy with school and haven't had time for--
Hikaru: She's lying!
Klitch: Hey! How'd you get here?
Hikaru: She played Pokemon Ruby for five hours yesterday! She's just a slacker! Don't listen to her -- *Gets stuffed back into Klitch's desk drawer*
*Ahem.* Don't listen to him. Really, who are you going to believe, me or the fictional character? (Don't answer that.) Anyway, look! Chapter! Shiny and new! Read it, review it, pay no attention to the animated character stuffed in the drawer!
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It was an expectedly gloomy day as Akira stood on the patio of his house, still in his pajamas, staring outside with tired eyes, his arms wrapped around himself to ward off the cold. The sky was gray and overcast, promising rain or snow or some combination of the two, and there was a chill wind blowing. Akira sighed and watched his breath curl through the air.
I could wait until tomorrow, he thought. Shindou will still be there tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the one after that. I could just wait until the winter's blown over completely and he's forgotten it all. I could wait.
The wind blew past and Akira shivered, retreating a bit more into the house and into himself.
And what will that do? Waiting? I'm not the type to wait. I run, I chase...I don't stand still. But just this one time... Akira shook his head. It's Shindou again. The only one I've ever managed to wait for. The only one I wanted to wait for. But I can't wait forever, and I can't put this off. It won't blow over, I know that now. I have to make a choice. I have to talk to him, to tell him...
What? That I love him? I already told him that. He knows. I can't just--I can't just say that I've changed my mind now, that I'm ready to love him and so we should be together. And that would be a lie besides. I've accepted that I love him; I haven't prepared for it. I'm not ready for it yet, that's why I need him. I want him to make me ready.
Akira closed his eyes and shivered in the cold, then turned and returned back into the house. His eyes were downcast, lost in thought.
And if he can't accept that? I've barely managed to. Shindou may not be able to accept me as I am, after all the mistakes I've made in dealing with him. Does he care for me at all? If he refuses me...where do I go from there? Can I forget? I've tried that and I haven't done it very well at all. So what do I do? What do I say?
"Akira?" Akira glanced up at the sound of his father's voice. Touya Kouyo had just entered the room and had noticed his son staring at the wall with a distracted look.
"A-ah, father." Akira quickly composed himself. "Good morning."
"Are you feeling all right?" Kouyo took a step towards Akira, and the boy found himself backing up, withdrawing. "You look pale."
"I was outside," Akira said hesitantly. Why the hesitation? I don't hesitate. I'm acting all wrong today. How can I speak to Shindou when everything I'm doing today is wrong? "It's cold."
Touya Kouyo nodded but didn't reply. Akira felt his father's eyes scrutinizing him and he lowered his head, hiding his eyes behind his bangs. His head hurt.
"I need to go get dressed," Akira murmured. "I need to go see someone today."
Kouyo didn't answer, and Akira chose to take the silence as permission to leave. He was nearly to his room when his father spoke again.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Akira said automatically, barely even thinking about it. Kouyo glanced at him and Akira felt momentarily ashamed of himself.
"You don't usually lie to me," Kouyo said after a moment.
"I know," Akira replied. Hasn't that been my way this week? I don't usually have such thoughts, say such things. Like yesterday...I hit Shindou. I've never done something like before. I didn't think it was in me to do such a thing. I--I know that I have a fire in me, that I can be angry, or competitive, but such emotions have always been filtered out. But it all goes back to Shindou. He's made me feel. He made me lose my temper completely, for the first time in a very long time. And now I'm lying to my father because I don't want to talk to anyone about these thoughts. Is that what love does? It changes you? I'm not sure I want to be changed. But still...I can't hide from this.
"I had a fight with Shindou," Akira admitted, quietly. "I suppose it's ridiculous to be upset about that kind of thing, isn't it? It was just a small fight...." Akira paused, then shook his head again. "No, that's not right, it was larger than that. But we fought, and I need to apologize to him for--for some things I said. And there was also....I hit him." The last three words were spoken in a rush, as if he wanted to get them over with as soon as possible.
Akira's father couldn't have looked more surprised if Akira had just said that he had decided to give up Go in order to raise penguins in Guam.
"You hit him? That's not like you." Kouyo's voice was worried, but something in it made Akira flinch.
"I know." Akira heard his father step closer to him and kept his face turned. "I hadn't expected to. It--it was a sudden reaction. Shindou and I haven't been on good terms recently, and I....I'm not quite sure why I hit him. I just wanted him to leave me alone. So I need to go apologize, you see."
"Why were you fighting?"
"We were..." Akira paused. Part of him wanted his father to leave him alone, while the other part was desperate to tell the entire story to someone, anyone. "It was a ridiculous reason, really. He was late meeting me at the Go Salon because he was busy with his friends and then fell asleep and forgot about me entirely. I was upset with him, more than I'd ever been before. I felt--I'm not sure. He apologized then, but it didn't seem adequate and I didn't tell him so. Then there was the rain and my umbrella didn't work, and he asked what was wrong but I couldn't speak, and he ran off without a word. After that...it went downhill rapidly after that. We were arguing at lunch break yesterday, and Shindou was being himself, impulsive and loud and I finally had enough and I slapped him. I didn't speak to him after that." Akira turned slightly to look at his father; Kouyo's face was thoughtful. "It's very stupid, isn't it? And not like me."
Tell me it's stupid, he silently willed. Tell me it's nothing. Let me tell myself that it was a very small thing, and so Shindou won't hate me over it, so we won't hate each other. Tell me it's all been very stupid and I've been very stupid, and that I wouldn't have to apologize and face him, because he'll come to me. Because it's all very, very stupid.
"I wouldn't say that it's stupid," Kouyo said, and Akira almost imperceptibly flinched.
"But it is," he insisted. "It--it has to be stupid. It has to be. It's a stupid thing all around. It's--it's like wanting to be friends" --To be more than that-- "with Shindou. To care about him. That's not like me either. I shouldn't care. Isn't that the right way of doing things?"
"Not necessarily." Akira heard his father move towards him and didn't pull away when Kouyo put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Is this what's been bothering you lately? Your troubles with Shindou-kun?"
"Yes," Akira admitted softly. It's deeper than I can tell you, Father. It's....it's something that I can barely tell myself. Deeper.
"Do you remember when I first started teaching you how to play Go?" Kouyo said softly, his tone comforting. "You were very small. I had promised myself that I wouldn't force it upon you to play, that you were your own person and so I would leave the decision to you. And then one day when you were only two, you walked in on me while I was recreating a game. You sat on the other side of the Goban and said, 'Teach me. I want to know how to play. Teach me.' And so I did. That has always been your way of doing things, hasn't it? To state clearly what you feel and chase after your goal."
"I know," Akira replied, the words little more than a whisper. "But this is different. This is--"
"I haven't seen you run from anybody but Shindou-kun," Kouyo continued, as if he hadn't heard Akira speak. "Would you rather run from him or chase after him? Those seem to be your choices now. I'll leave the decision to you." Kouyo turned to leave Akira alone, then stopped and added, "And Akira, remember: it is possible to love two things at once. Your feelings don't have to begin and end with Go."
With that he left the room, leaving Akira lost in thought behind him.
A choice I have to make... Akira thought. Yes, it is, isn't it? Just like with Go. We chase and we run and we catch or we fall behind, and we get tired and we press on. Just like Go. Except I'm not used to such running. I always walked towards something, be it the world of the pros or the future or that shadow of Shindou that disappeared long ago. That shadow that I ran from, once. And now it's Shindou himself that I'm running from. And not only Shindou, but myself as well. I'm running away from all of it, and I'm tired. I'm hurt. I'm feeling and I'm not sure why.
And I can run and run forever and I'll just keep running until I'm worn down with it all, because there's nowhere that I'm going except away from Shindou. That's not a destination, it's a deterrent. A fear, not a goal. I can't do that, not forever. I have to chase him. Even if I want to run, I have to chase him. Father said it himself: I state my objectives clearly and I follow after them. It's only that this time my goal is something that I'm not used to. I just have to learn to get used to it. I--I can be afraid, but I can't keep running because of that. Because sooner or later, I'll run so far that Shindou will never be able to find me...and then, I think, I truly will be unhappy. Because I love him, and I want him to chase me, to find me, to catch me, to take me along with him just as I've carried him along with me all this time.
So is that it then? Is that what it means to love someone? To follow them, to want to chase them and be with them, even when you're afraid? Have I found an answer at last? Akira stared outside once more. It still seemed cold and overcast, but there was no help for it. He had to go see Hikaru, and he had to do it as soon as possible. He had to fix things before they were too far gone to be fixed.
Akira ran a hand distractedly through his hair and went to get dressed.
Some time later he sat pouring through the phone book, trying to find Hikaru's address. He had a fairly vague idea as to where Hikaru lived, but nothing very certain.
I almost called him when I was sick. The unwelcome memory returned. What was it I thought then? That I wanted to hear his voice? Akira laughed bitterly. And now I'm almost afraid to, because I can't bear to hear what he has to say, because I tried my best to make him hate me and now I've changed my mind. After all that thinking and worrying, I accomplished my goal and it only made things worse. Will talking to Shindou end up doing the same? I feel as though it will help, that it must, but I can't trust to that. It has to better than doing nothing, though...doing nothing is worse than running away. At least if I'm running, I'm moving. I have to keep moving, forward or backward, or I'll be miserable for the rest of my life, neck deep in waters I unleashed. So I have to talk to him.
Process of elimination finally allowed Akira to locate Hikaru's address. He wrote it down with a trembling hand and placed the paper in his pocket.
"I'm going now," Akira said as he went to grab his coat. He headed for the front door and nearly ran into his father.
"Are you going to talk to Shindou-kun then?" Kouyo asked.
"Yes," Akira said. "I....Yes, I am. I have to fix things with him."
"Mmm." Kouyo nodded and walked on past him. "Don't forget to take an umbrella. It may start raining again, and you've been sick."
"I know." Akira retrieved a working umbrella from the stand near the door and headed outside. The cold wind bit into him with surprising force, tousling his hair.
This is not the best of signs, Akira thought with a dark smile. Cold and rain...wasn't it like this when I walked home that other day? And yesterday too.... hurrying along the streets while trying to look like I wasn't, trying to get home before the rain started again, because I had no umbrella and because I liked watching the rain. The rain's the cause of all of this, the rain and the umbrella. Isn't that a ridiculous thought? That if it hadn't been for a shared umbrella and a rainstorm and a broken umbrella and a reply that wouldn't come to a question that was never answered, maybe I could have avoided all of this.
Or maybe not. Maybe I would have just put it off for a little bit longer, until the next time it rained. I don't think these feelings would have just melted away. It's just that now I have to do something about them, because I've been forced to recognize them. But...but I think.....I think that, perhaps, they were always there. It's only that I couldn't speak and they hid inside, because I was too busy with other things. But they've been here, inside me. That confession outside of the Go Salon was a long time in coming. Akira shivered and started walking towards the train station, dragging the umbrella along behind him. His eyes were hooded, and his feelings warred between being those of a man walking to his execution and those of Odysseus coming home at last.
Akira nearly balked when he finally reached the train, well aware that this was a pivotal step. He could turn back here and go home like nothing had happened. Or he could change course, go anywhere else, go somewhere brand new and spend a few hours there, and then return home and tell his father that he had worked everything out with Shindou and that he was feeling much better and no, he wouldn't be seeing Hikaru again...
No! Akira shook his head and stepped onto the train. I promised that I wouldn't run. I don't understand why I'm so afraid of all this. I--I think I may actually be shaking, just as I did that time before the Junior High tournament. Except it's not Shindou's strength that I'm afraid of. It's something else, something that's in me and something that I fear is in him...Something that I want to be in him, even though I'm afraid to find it there. But still...
His father's words came back to him, and Akira wondered at them : "It is possible to love two things at once. Your feelings don't have to begin and end with Go."
Is that true, I wonder, and does he know how close to guessing my feelings he came? Akira thought. And if my father's right, if I can feel in other ways that don't involve Go, if I can have other feelings...does that make this easier or harder? Because I think I love Shindou and I think that I hate him too, and I think and I feel and I want and it's all driving me crazy. I don't act like this. I don't feel like this. But somehow, I've begun to. And it's all very new to me, too new.
A thought struck Akira suddenly, and he managed a smile.
Though I guess this part isn't new, is it? Traveling across town to find Shindou? How many times have I done this? Twice already? Just getting up and running, just because I heard his name. So I suppose some things truly have been here all along, even if I didn't recognize them....
Soon enough Akira reached his stop and exited the train. He pulled out the paper with Hikaru's address on it and began walking. Eventually he came within sight of Hikaru's house.
All right, Akira told himself. This is my last chance. If--if I wish to turn back, now is the time that I have to do it. Once I reach his house, his doorstep, I can't turn back. I have to make my decision.
Steeling himself, Akira walked over and knocked on the door. A woman, presumably Hikaru's mother answered.
"Hello. I'm looking for Shindou Hikaru?" It was an effort to keep his tone polite and his face impassive, but Akira just managed it.
"Oh! He's out with his friends right now. He should be home soon, though. Do you want to wait?" Hikaru's mother asked. Akira hesitated.
"No...that's all right. Is it okay if I wait out here for him?"
"You don't want to come inside?" Hikaru's mother looked surprised. "But it's awfully cold out."
"I'll be fine," Akira said. "It's easier for me to wait out here for him."
"Oh..." Hikaru's mother seemed at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with this statement. "Do you want anything while you wait?"
"No, that's all right. If I'm not still here when Shindou returns, will you tell him that Touya Akira came by to speak with him?" Should I have left my name? I suppose there's no choice. He'll know who was here regardless.
"Of course."
"Thank you." Akira bowed and Hikaru's mother nodded in reply, closing the door. Akira settled down on the doorstep to wait.
Maybe I should go, he thought, idly fiddling with a piece of half-dead grass. The sky's gotten darker. If I leave now I could get home before it rains again. Shindou will know that I was here. Maybe he'll come over to see me, and then....
And then what? I won't have to make a decision? And what if he doesn't come over or call or even make any mention of my coming over here? Should I take that as a sign that he wants nothing more to do with me? Akira sighed and glanced up at the clouds. I finally worked up the courage to come see him, and he's not even at home. I don't know what to do. I--I was prepared to talk to him right away, not to wait. Now I can only think of all that could go wrong. What if he turns me away? What if he simply walks past like I don't even exist, the way I have done to him in times past? What if he just tells me to go away and never return? What if--
What if--
Akira felt a sudden panic run through him, like a shock of electricity coursing through his system. Without even realizing it, he found that he had gotten to his feet, three steps from bolting, like a rabbit freezing while it decided whether or not the fox was going to give chase. Almost of their own accord his feet began to move and he found himself walking away from the house.
Away from Shindou, away from my thoughts and my feelings and my useless fears and useless love and everything--
Akira turned a corner and found himself face to face with Shindou Hikaru.
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Aaaaand there's another chapter down. I'll try to be on time for the next one, but I make no promises--I really am busy in the next few weeks, since the semester's winding down. I have two papers and a midterm due within the next two weeks, plus housing lottery and registration for next semester. But I should be able to find some time for writing. (Though to tide you over, anyone who hasn't been to my website I direct you there--there's a shiny new Hikago lemon in the fic section for your enjoyment.)