Well as we all know, one of the most over worked pieces of pokemon fandom is about the relationship between Misty and Ash. I decided, in my infinite spare time, to write a mockery of such pieces. Bare in mind that I have never actually seen a full episode of Pokemon, and am writing this story exclusively from the knowledge gained from reading crappy fics that were MiSTed, and from playing the game boy game (red version). A few facts that I'm guessing on:

-Ash and Misty are approximately fifteen years of age.
-Ash apparently destroyed Misty's bike and owes her a new one.
-Brock is apparently slightly older than Ash and Misty. I'm going to approximate that he's eighteen.
-Ash is inept.
-Misty is annoying.

PLEASE feel free to MiST/flame the heck out of it, weather you enjoy it or not. And now, for the main attraction:

What True Love Is Like.

Ash pulled the blanket tightly over his head, squeezing his eyes closed as hard as possible without causing them to go into his brain. A gentle sawing sound continued to wear on his nerves, fraying them to a single thread.

"Is it entirely imperative," began Ash, in a final attempt to solve his problem diplomatically, "that you sharpen your witch-like claws for hours on end into the night?" Ash's diplomatic skills had not gained much renown through the land. Misty looked up from her nail file, an eyebrow raised.

"Why?" she asked. "You don't like it when I do this?" at "this" Misty raked the nail file across her fingernail quickly, producing a high pitched hiss that drove Ash's eardrums near to the point of implosion.

"No," breathed Ash, trying to control himself, "I don't."

"How depressing," Misty informed sympathetically, then returned to honing her claws with zeal.

Ash grabbed his pillow and wrapped it around his face, barely managing to keep the sound out. He bit into the padding, muttering under his breath, "must…not…kill…crazy…water…freak…" over and over. He looked forward to getting up early tomorrow to retrieve his pokemon from the poke center. Grabbing a spare belt, he secured the pillow more securely about his face and fell into a fitful sleep where he dreamed about going on a quest to figure out why people bothered to raise pokemon as pets rather than just eat them like all other animals. He also tried to figure out the plural form of pokemon, but there was only so much adventure time so he never found out.

Ash awoke the next morning, suffering only mildly from asphyxiation. Pulling the pillow from his head, he got up and stretched, his muscles creaking slightly after their rest. Ash glanced over to where Misty's sleeping bag was located, and was surprised to find it empty save for a hand written note. Ash picked it up and read it, shocked at the contents.

Dear Ash,

If you want to see the skank alive again, bring your pokemon to Hell's Mouth for a duel.

Hugs and Kisses,
Gary Oak.

P.S. -- this is kind of like a tournament/pot-luck with Team Rocket, so please bring a covered dish with you. We are also in need of paper cups.

A flood of emotion overwhelmed Ash, and he was forced to kneel to the ground by his weakening knees. He lifted his head to the skies, unable to believe this news. Thunder rolled across the landscape as a light drizzle began to play on Ash's face, the gentle rain hiding the evidence of his tears. "She's gone," Ash heard himself whisper. "She's really gone." A bolt of lightning cracked the heavens above Ash, setting a nearby tree alight. Ash was completely oblivious to the danger. "I just can't believe that she's gone…"

Brock ran through the forest, seeking to make sure Ash and Misty were alright in the angry storm. He was surprised to stumble upon Ash doing the happy dance in the middle of a clearing.

"Brock buddy!" Ash yelled, wrapping his arms around Brock's neck and nearly strangling him. "Guess what? Ding dong, the witch is dead! Up for some pina coladas?"

"Ash, what are you talking about?" Brock yelled, pushing Ash away from him.

"Here, read this," Ash replied, handing him the note. As Brock began to read, Ash continued skipping around the mud puddles.

"Ash, she isn't dead yet. Ash? Ash, will you please stop singing that song?"

"Upside inside out! Livin' la vida… sorry, what were you saying?"

"She isn't dead yet."

"Don't depress me. Besides, she's with Team Rocket, so she'll be dead soon enough anyways.

"Ash, shouldn't we go rescue her?"

"Why? We're all going to die at some point, her point is just going to be very soon."

"Um, yea, " replied Brock, scratching his head. "See, that's why we want to rescue her. Without her, we no longer have the dangling plot line of your relationship…"

"Long-term hatred does NOT constitute a relationship!"

"…and without that we lose a big chunk of our demographic."

"Girls 8-12?"

"Yup. Then we'll all rot in the bottom of some bargain bin. That what you want?"

"Can't we keep them with just Pikachu?"

"'Fraid not."

"What if you took your shirt off?"

"We'd get kicked off basic cable." There was a pause as Ash considered the possibilities.

"We really are going to have to rescue her, aren't we?"

"A-yup." Ash sank to his knees, openly weeping.

"So close… I was so close…I was so happy…"

"I know bro, I know," Brock said, sympathetically patting Ash on the shoulder.

"This is so stupid, they're never going to fall for it," hissed Brock, trying to get the mask to where he could see out of it.

"This is Team Rocket we're talking about. Even if the five year old watching at home catches on after two seconds, they'll never figure it out," Ash replied.

"This isn't even a real mask! It's just a paper bag you drew on with a crayon for God's sake!"

"They'll think you're me, don't worry about it. Now get out there," Ash shoved Brock into the clearing next to "The Hell's Mouth," which was actually an elaborately named rock. He immediately gained the attention of the large crowd of Team Rocket members.

"So, my rival," Gary sneered. "We meet again."

"Uh, hi," Brock said, trying to think of what Ash would say. "Sorry, I was going to bring a bowl of Jello for the pot-luck, but it melted in my pocket."

"That's alright," Gary replied, waving slightly with his hand. "Everyone else had the same idea. All we got here is gallons and gallons of the stuff." Ash had already discovered this for himself, and was loudly slurping the dessert from a large bowl as he continued looking for Misty.

"So then, shall we duel?" Gary asked, holding a pokeball in front of his face.

"Just one question," Brock replied. "Do you notice anything odd about my appearance? Anything?" Gary peered at him carefully.

"Yes," he concluded. "New shoes. Very nice. Also, you're not acting like nearly as big of an idiot as usual." Ash hurled a large stone at Gary's head and it bounced off without harming him. Ash continued his search.

"Let's just this over with," Brock growled. "Michael Jackson; go!"

"MC Hammer; go!" Gary yelled in turn. The two artists emerged from their respective pokeballs and began trying to out dance each other. While the aged and creaky men continued to try and pull moves they did ten years ago, Ash finally located Misty tied and gagged next to a large tree. Thick ropes kept her hands above her head, attaching them by extension to a tree branch above. Her feet were planted on a poorly balanced stone, threatening to tip over if she tried to move very much..

"Found you," whispered Ash, untying the knot that kept Misty from speaking. "Are you alright?" he asked, as the gag fell away.

"Just please get me out of here as quickly as possible," she hissed, struggling to move her arms. "And don't stand so close to me," she added, now that Ash had moved up to untie her hands.

"Relax princess," he replied, his hands snaking past her arms to reach the knots by her wrist. "You'll be free just as soon as I get the last… there!" a quick tug at the appropriate ends, and the knot undid itself. Misty fell, her arms wrapping around Ash's shoulders to keep her balance as the rock she'd been standing on rolled away. Her entire body and especially her arms were week from her treatment, and Ash had to catch her to keep her from completely dropping.

Misty half stood, half leaned against Ash, their faces now just a scant inch away from each other as a result of her tumbling forward. For the first time, Misty could see that Ash's eyes were quiet gentle, and she felt… safer while wrapped in his arms. Ash didn't know what he saw in Misty's eyes, only that doing so changed how he felt somehow. Stronger, weaker, powerful, and helpless all at the same time. It was an incredible sensation.

Their breathing became slightly more labored, and not from the effort of holding themselves up. Ash leaned his head forward slightly, his lips beginning to part. Misty began to follow suit, unsure of what to do, but instinctively closing her eyes as her heart began to pound. Ash whispered gently, their noses beginning to slide past each other, "I'm sorry, I'm a bit inexperienced. Is this sexual tension?" Misty's eyes shot wide open, and craned her neck back to see if Ash was serious. He was.

Half a moment later, Ash was kneeling on the ground with both his hands clasped over his personal organs, whimpering and turning a mildly disturbing shade of purple. "It isn't now that you've ASKED THAT, you SIMP!" Misty shouted. Fortunately for all involved, her outburst went unnoticed- Brock and Gary had switched from MJ and Hammer to Brittany Spears and Christina Agulara (respectively), who were dancing a performance that cannot be accurately described in a PG-13 fic. All present members of Team Rocket were to busy hooting, hollering, and waving one dollar Bobs to notice the escape.

After gulping air like a fish out of water for several minutes, Ash finally managed to get up, and stumbled over to where Misty was leaning against the tree, tapping her foot impatiently. "What was that for?" he asked, still slightly out of breath.

"Just for your natural charm. Let's go." Misty replied, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

"Scary friggin' skank…looks like a mutated ferret with a pony tail," Ash muttered, limping behind her. They made their escape, Brock sacrificing his prized Brittany Spears so that they would go unnoticed. Ash planned to pay him back later with an unevolved version of the same pokemon; however it was a fair trade because it could move a lot faster since it wasn't weighed down by four pounds of silicon.

They stopped and camped for the night, talking and laughing around a crackling fire. Brock got up to look for more fire wood, and Ash scooted around to be seated next to Misty.

"I've just got to ask," began Ash. "What happened after they captured you?"

"Not much," replied Misty, chewing on a blade of grass. "They grabbed me while you were still asleep; if you hadn't tied a pillow around your head maybe you could have helped me."

"Not likely," smiled Ash. "If they'd woken me up, I probably would have given THEM a hand," Misty turned to him, glared, then after a moment her expression melted into a smile. She threw a clump of grass at him in revenge.

"They didn't really mistreat me in any way," she continued. "But I was still terrified. I mean, after all, it's Team Rocket. You never know what they are capable of." She shivered, looking down at her feet. "I wasn't sure if you were going to come or not. But I am glad you did."

"Well, tell you what," Ash said gently, setting his hand down on her shoulder for encouragement. "If you ever…well, you know. If you ever need a … someone to talk to, or someone to… to hold you… you know, just… stay ten feet away from me." Misty looked up at Ash's grinning face.

Ash slowly woke up to see Brock's face.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Misty dislocated your jaw with a right hook. When I got back she was attempting to bury your body. I got you here to a pokecenter so they could look after you."

"But I thought they were veterinarians?"

"Well, I AM working on a budget."

"True. How long was I out?"

"Four hours. You'd better get some more rest though, we have to move out tomorrow if we want to keep on schedule. Ash gave the thumbs up signal and rolled over on his side, away from his heavily bruised cheek. He was almost asleep when he heard something. A slight whispering, rasping sound. Ash opened one eye, then another, to see that Misty had broken into the pokecenter and was now slowly, deliberately, filing her nails.