Shalom!
In answer to a query we received about our numerical status, we would like to definitively reply – look on my livejournal. We don't promise it will become clearer, but it is reasonably amusing. To us at least.
And yes, we really did write a whole chapter around lyrics from Will 2K. To thank you, dear reader, for your unending patience, and tolerance of our random PWAP, we give you a gift. Unless you are a foe of Mordor, in which case, the One Ring is on its way, and should be with you before 10am tomorrow.
"Stop arsing about and tell us what the gift is!"
We hear your cry, and I present to you a ficlet that has bugger all to do with the price of fish, or indeed any of our other work. Check our bio page for "Basil's in the Ratatouille"
Now, onto the Quote of the Week:
"With a miscosecond pause, and finely calculated micromodulation of pitch and timbre – nothing you could actually take offence at – Marvin managed to convey his utter contempt and horror at all things human."
Chapter 7 – Deskapology
Meanwhile, somewhere in Surrey, Penny and Percy FitzMalfoy were having rather a difficult time. The halcyon days of summer seemed long gone. The revelations of the trial had left Percy floundering. Even when he hadn't shown it, Percy was rather proud of being a Weasley. It meant associations with good people and heroism, a cheerful willingness to take on Herculean tasks. Even if they involved cauldron bottoms.
Not any more.
The Weasley name had been tarnished by Molly, though not beyond repair. Percy didn't really care about this. The only thing that Percy cared about was power (apart, possibly from Penny). How he was sorted into Gryffindor, we'll never know. Possibly the hat was feeling lazy, and just saw another Weasley… The thing that irked Percy about this situation was that the moment the Weasley name could have helped, rather than hindered his career in the Ministry, it was taken from him. Being the bastard son of a Malfoy was, until the defeat of Voldemort, something Percy had only dreamed of. Unfortunately, this was not the route to influence it had once been, since Lucius Malfoy was his mother's neighbour in Azkaban until he bought his way out, sorry, was declared innocent of all wrong doing due to the Imperius curse…
Penny's attempts to comfort Percy were not working. This was because Penny was essentially a wonderful girl who had somehow fallen in love with an idiotic unfeeling prick who didn't care that his family had fallen apart, except in the sense that it might influence his work. Penny was rather fond of the Weasley brood, and had kept in touch even after Percy ostracised himself. Add in a healthy dose of paranoia and quite a lot of magic, and you have a dungbomb ready to explode.
Their weekend started harmlessly enough, with Penny fixing breakfast and Percy collecting the Daily Prophet from the delivery owl. The picture on the front of the paper stopped him short. Looking incredibly self-satisfied and waving furiously was none other than Miss Hermione Granger.
The article, predictably enough, began praising the innovative and clever young Gryffindor and her fridge magnets, and then, even more predictably, descended into rumours and gossip about her "volatile relationship with none other than the Boy-Who-Lived. Was it her rebuttal which caused his disappearance? (Turn to page 7 for possible sightings)"
"Well, Penelope, it seems there was one graduating Gryffindor with some sense. I always said Hermione was going places. The brightest witch I ever met, and she's got her priorities right, look at her interview. I must say she scrubs up quite well too"
Now, Percy has made several mistakes already. Can you spot them? Not only did he suggest he found another woman attractive in front of his wife (who was pregnant) but he had also indirectly insulted her intelligence. It isn't wise to annoy hormonal Ravenclaws.
Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but her house wasn't friendly with Slytherin for nothing. It is a little known Hogwarts tradition that at Graduation, every Ravenclaw presents a Slytherin with a Sneak-o-scope, and every Ravenclaw receives a Book of Cunning in return. These books were detailed encyclopaedias of every possible wrong and the socially accepted ways to get revenge. The book had existed in one form or another since the time of Salazar Slytherin himself, but was updated every year by a committee led by the Slytherin Head of House. Since Penny had left some years before, hers was one of the more sought after editions (although not as sought after as Quidditch in Bed) with a forward from Snape written just after Potions With Gryffindors (starring Harry and Neville). To say he was vitriolic was like calling the Pacific Ocean a bit damp. Had Dumbledore known the book existed, he would have no doubt demanded a recall.
Penny had, being a Ravenclaw, and also immensely irritated with Percy on a regular basis, memorised the book. Right now, she was mentally somewhere in Chapter 37: Legal Alternatives to the Unforgivable Curses. She had a similar system to Harry, as long as she was thinking about something else, she was in control. When she had satisfied herself that she could indeed remember all 47 laxative spells (for purely intellectual reasons, of course) she turned her not inconsiderable intellect to a longstanding project. Was there any significance in the fact that all spells which influenced the gastrointestinal tract seemed to have 47 variations? She'd have to go to the library and read Bridget Wenlock's research papers on the number seven, since she had primarily focused her research on the number 4 until this point, publishing several books on the subject.
Percy was still talking.
"…maybe I ought to write and congratulate her, fancy fining a profitable use for Arithmancy. If you'd told me yesterday that there was any point to that subject I would have laughed in your face."
Uh-Oh.
The lights flickered, then, one by one the light bulbs exploded, showering the FitzMalfoys with glass.
"…I'm glad to see she remained focused despite her less than savoury classmates. I'd like to think I had a small part to play in her success, a positive influence to balance out her misguided friends." He sneered.
"You selfish, egotistical bastard! Do you care about anything except yourself? Ron is your flesh and blood, your brother!"
"Half-brother, Penelope, and only biologically"
At this point, the soupcon of control that Penny had maintained was lost. The air took on a metallic taste as she began to glow with a golden light. He eyes, usually chocolate brown darkened to black. She closed her eyes and screamed. Even through her closed eye-lids, the light was bright enough to bleach all her rhodopsin.
She fainted, the wild magic pounding through her veins, on top of her pregnancy, was sapping her strength.
When she awoke some time later she was warm and comfortable. She tentatively opened her eyes to find herself in bed, a worried looking redhead smiling gently down at her.
"Charlie? What are you doing here? Not that I'm not glad to see you, just surprised HE hasn't chucked a wobbler and booted you out"
"Relax, little sis, Perce isn't here. I came to see if you wanted to go shopping for the little one. I'm off to Romania in the morning, and wanted to spend some time with my favourite nephew or niece and their beautiful mother before heading out. I didn't expect to find you in a heap on the floor. Gods, Pen, but I was worried sick. What happened?"
"Well, HE was being even more insufferable than usual, and I was feeling a bit grouchy before he opened his mouth, and I kind of blew up. I remember feeling really angry, and a bit out of control, then the next thing I know, I'm in bed and you're here. Must have fainted"
"So, you're telling me you had a fight with Percy and collapsed on the floor and he just LEFT? What a complete and utter arse."
"I can't take it any more Char. I'm leaving him."
"Bout time. Need anything? If you want to get out of here, I've got a spare room. Its in Romania, but you can stay as long as you like."
It didn't take Penny that long to pack her things. She even had a copy of the forms needed to file for divorce, thanks to the Book of Cunning (Chapter 13: Marital Discord, Knowing When Enough is Enough). On her way through the kitchen she walked straight into a mahogany desk that she swore hadn't been there this morning.
"Oh, this gets better. He goes out and buys furniture while I'm lying unconscious on the floor. Not only that, but as soon as it gets here he spreads his dirty laundry all over it! He's even left his boots underneath it! BASTARD!"
Now, while Penny is a Ravenclaw, she isn't into reading, well, let me rephrase, reading literature. And as for Charlie, well, if it isn't about dragons or his family, he doesn't care. This may go some way towards explaining why even with two 'O's in Arithmancy at N.E.W.T level, they were adding 2 to 2 and getting 'sherbet lemons'. If, dear reader you are in the same boat, we would like to draw your attention to the offending footwear…
The boots are gently smoking.
If this still isn't sufficient to clue you in, we'd like to point out that if you look carefully, the knots in the side of the desk almost look like a face. A very shocked face. In fact, had Fred or George been around and able to communicate effectively, they might have suggested it looked a bit like Percy. But they weren't, so they didn't.
It did though.
"What are you gonna do with all this stuff, Pen? The Git doesn't deserve it"
"I know."
She gave a wicked smile that made her companion very glad he was on her good side.
"We could torch the place, but, while initially being incredibly satisfying, it's also a teeny bit illegal, and I'm sure my pyromaniac tendencies will be fulfilled by the dragons. Let's sell it. That way it's gone, and we're galleons in"
(A/N: It's like being quids in, only more magical. And with a pipe)
Penny sold the house back to Pocock and Shaw, the Muggle Estate Agent they had bought it from only 6 months before, and using the bartering skills honed by dealing with diabolically cunning, scheming, manipulative, arrogant, self centred, sadistic social climbing bastards and never harmless fruits, she managed to make herself a considerable profit.
She left the house furnished for the most part, but took perverse pleasure in selling the mahogany desk to a furniture store on Diagon Alley for a knut.
REFERENCES:
The Harry Potter Lexicon provided invaluable information on Arithmancy
Pocock and Shaw are really estate agents.
The Book of Cunning is entirely mine, my own, my precious, unlike that phrase – DAMMIT! Just when you thought there was a chapter without a reference to LOTR
While the phrase isn't exclusive to them, the Uh-Oh always makes me think Teletubbies. I used to love Po's scooter and random Cantonese
The Harmless Fruit are a band in an as yet unpublished fanfic by us. Or at least me. The phrase comes from Sirius Trouble, also by me, or us, or someone.
Quidditch in Bed is by Riley
The Quote of the Week is from Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy