For the reading of this chapter you will also need:
6 egg yolks, 4 tablespoons fresh coffee (finely ground), 8 oz (200g) soft brown sugar (light), 1 pint (500ml) milk, 6 fl.oz (approx 185ml) very hot water and 2 eyeballs, preferably your own
Chapter 9 – Justin case you thought we'd given up on puns
The door burst open and quick as a flash he had his wand trained on the silhouetted figure mired in an unnatural fog.
'What new devilry is this?!' he cried, hoping against hope someone would notice his expansive grasp of punctuation showed in his use of the oft ignored interrobang.
'Hello Justin'.
Her voice. It was like fire and ice. Even three years later it still burned him.
'Ginny? What are you doing here?' His voice was level, Hufflepuffs were usually open with their feelings, but after several years of doormat duty, Justin had regained a measure of control over his emotions.
'I came back – for you'
Never in his wildest dreams had he hoped for this. Well, as he was a twenty year old male, his wildest dreams didn't involve a lot of talking, but did feature rather a lot of the former Miss Weasley, and now presumably Mrs Weasley-Umfraville.
'Can I come in yet?' a small voice proceeded an equally small child. He looked up to Justin and said in the confident voice of toddlers everywhere, 'Allo! My name is Dario. Who are you?'
Justin smiled. As a Hufflepuff he naturally had a soft spot for kids, especially cute ones, and Dario could do cute for England. 'And who do you belong to Mr Dario?'
'He's mine' came the voice he'd dreamed of for so long, 'mine and Dec's'
'What happened to dear *old* Prof Umfraville?' He barely tried to hide the bitter tone in his voice.
'He died. Polar bear liver.'
'Oh, Gin' Justin replied, mostly meaning her name, but also tapping into his growing need for a stiff drink.
She flung herself sobbing into his arms.
'coughOVERACTINGcough'
'WHAT did you say Dario Fo Umfraville?' Ginny channelled her mother (just the voice, not the killing of innocents thing). Luckily, Dario had learned long ago to lie like a trooper with the face of an angel.
'Nothing mama'
'So, gonna leave us on the doorstep?' she asked with a becoming little flourish and pout.
'Of course not Gin, you're always welcome here and I'd love to get to know Dario better. Now, I'm sure I have some chocolate frogs here somewhere…'
'Huzzah!' cried Dario.
A week later, Justin and Ginny were married.
* * *
Take the finely ground coffee and pour the water onto it then let it stand for about 10 mins. You then need to remove the coffee grounds, so strain the mixture.
In a heatproof bowl mix together the sugar and egg yolks, then whisk until thick and pale. Whisk in the milk and the coffee, then put the bowl over a saucepan of simmering (though not boiling) water.
Cook until the mixture is thick (ie. until it forms a layer on the back of a wooden spoon) being sure to stir it all the time. Take the saucepan off the heat and place the bowl to one side to cool.
* * *
Several shopping sprees and a new hairdo later, Ginny Weasley Umfraville Finch-Fletchley (who, for the sake of my poor opposable digits we may refer to as G-WUFF) suddenly stopped stock still and asked the question Justin had been dreading,
'Am I fat?'…
No, sorry that wasn't the question she asked, and it showed how much Justin dreaded The Question that he would have preferred our first suggestion.
'Do you have any floo powder?' A fairly innocuous question you'd think, and surely not worth one capital letter, let alone two, but it was the sentence that followed which caused Justin to drop the painting by Will Turner he'd been admiring. (No, not the one from Pirates of the Caribbean)
'I think I'll pop into the twins' shop and catch up. Once a Weasley always a Weasley, right?'
Justin grimaced. 'Ginny love, maybe you should sit down. Those shoes can't be comfy. Oh, look over there, a sale on at Prada' he said, desperately trying to skirt, blouse and possibly also handbag the issue.
'Justin…' she growled, and he whimpered. He was a Hufflepuff faced by a Gryffindor that had been possessed by the most Slytherin Slytherin since, well, Slytherin. He made like the Wren's Nest and caved.
'Fred and George aren't at the shop Gin, they're in St Mungos'
'Oh, poor mum must be heart broken…'
'Well, she's certainly not in a happy place right now. Azkaban can do that to you.'
'WHAT??' she shrieked, and believe me when I tell you that only the Hufflepuff badger has ever been more afraid than Justin was right at this moment.
'Cup of tea?' he enquired, finding his voice. She accepted his offer as he knew she would. Anyone who'd spent any time with Dumbledore automatically did. The response was almost Pavlovian. A cup of tea can make any problem seem soluble, especially one that's half unicorn tranquilliser. As Ginny reached forward for the quickly conjured hot beverage, her left hand went automatically to the side table for a sherbet lemon. Good thing Justin was prepared for this eventuality. What can we say? He was probably a boy-scout.
'Ginny, I want you to know that everything I'm about to tell you is true.'
With this he added 3 drops of Verisatum to his tea, thanking the fates his teabags were already laced with calming potion. Charms weren't the only thinks he'd learnt at school...
He began to speak, in a voice that Ginny immediately labelled as 'lecturer' i.e. flat and without emphasis with far more convoluted sentences than could be healthy.
'The Rise and Fall of the Weasley family has been well documented throughout the wizarding world.' Here he paused, and since he was compelled to tell the truth, amended this sentence to 'except, it seems wherever you were'
'In ascending age order, Regina Molly Weasley Umfraville dot dot dot, who for the sake of speed, and because I think it's kinda cute to have pet names, I shall refer to as Dot, eloped in 1998 with a man old enough to be her…'
'I'm well aware of what *I* was doing Justin, skip to Ron'
'Ronald Reagan Weasley, soon after his participation in the Final Battle, began to work with dragons, well, dragon related products at least, hoping to follow his older brother to Romania at a later date. For some reason or other he refused when a transfer was offered to him and stayed in London, even taking a demotion. Rumour had it he was madly in love with Harry, and wouldn't be parted from him, but that seems a little unlikely, since he had such issues with Hagrid coming out in 6th year.'
(A/N: unclean, unclean)
'Frederick Astaire and Georgio Armani Weasley finally lost the battle for their wits, and succumbed to madness, well, that's Draco's opinion at least. Everyone else thinks the explosion and associated noxious fumes from the Big Shindig of 98 were to blame. They now reside in St Mungo's, and ironically at the top of both the Rich Wiz-Kids list and Most Eligible Batchelors list.'
'Charleton Heston Weasley...'
'You missed Percy'
'He's not a Weasley'
'Oh. That figures. A Malfoy?'
'FitzMalfoy technically. As I was saying, Charleton Heston Weasley is somewhere in Romania, playing with fire, in a rather literal sense. No one knows where. Well, I assume he does.'
'William Shatner Weasley is also absent and no one knows where he is, himself included. He's searching for the lost tomb of Neferpipi.'
'The once and future queen?'
'That's the badger.'
'Mum and Dad?'
'Molly Weasley was tried and found guilty of war crimes including giving her children humiliating middle names and being a Death Eater, and sentenced to life in Azkaban. So ashamed was he that Arthur William Charleton Frederick Georgio Ronald Reginald Weasley strategically retreated to the South of France.'
'He ran, ran away you mean.'
'Pretty much'
'Do you know if the twins made any arrangements in case this happened, husband dearest, for the administration of their estate I mean?'
Justin explained that yes, the twins had made such an arrangement, leaving all of their money to their pet brick Brumhilda, who was left in trust to the Weasley Regent, who, since Ron wouldn't leave London, was Ginny herself.
This very real and legally binding document had been made by the twins for a bet with none other than your favourite mangy mutt and mine. The mutt in question was very, very drunk at the time, and the twins were so excited at being in the presence of not one, but two Marauders they would have signed anything.
For Remus was there too, don't let Sirius take all the blame. He was in the bathroom when the accord was signed though, so, in fact, do let Sirius take all the blame.
His other watcher, a certain grumpy Slytherin was tending his resignation at Hogwarts. You'd think they'd know better than to leave him alone by now…
You know what? It's all the hopeless Gryffindor next door's fault. Don't ask why, it just is.
'Well, no brother of mine is going to languish in hospital. Let's go and get the twins and bring them home.'
Dollar signs, or possibly galleons, were dancing in front of her eyes. Married to money and inheriting too, Regina Weasley Umfraville… ah, sack it, You-Know-Who-We-Mean's wildest dreams were coming true.
* * *
When cool put the mixture in the freezer and allow several hours for it to freeze. Serve as you like, but only to those who truly appreciate the genius of coffee-flavoured …well anything.
Don't let the fact that it's coffee flavoured put you off – both of us like coffee ice cream. It's just revels we have issues with.
* * *
References:
No(bel) prizes for guessing where we got Dario Fo from… aha aha aha. Um, if you aren't tragically sad enough to get that terrible, terrible pun, and know the winners of the Nobel Prize off by heart, Dario Fo won the Nobel Prize for literature in 1997. And he had a wicked (in the outdated sense meaning cool) name.
The huzzah-ing may have something to do with 'Pirates!' but then again, maybe not.
"Very real and legally binding" always makes me think of Michael Palin in Swamp Castle (MP and the Holy Grail) although I'm sure other people have also said it without it being in any way referential.
T.H. White
I'm reliably informed that the name Brumhilda appears in Robin Hood: Men in Tights. It isn't anything to do with our Brumhilda, but the film is funny, and most deserving of a reference. The only way it could be better is if Mr Rickman were the Sheriff, rather than in PoT…
And yes, we know that JK has different ideas to our own as to the binomial nomenclature of the Weasleys, but it's just tough cookies, cos we think they're cute. The fact that Ginny is a money grabbing bitch and her initials are G. WUFF isn't entirely coincidental, but you'll have to write your own puns there.
We may still include some puns about Dario though – if we can persuade Sirius and Severus to sit in front of the Simpsons for long enough for anyone to realise…
Oh, and in case you were wondering, and didn't know this, polar bear liver really is fatal. Well, all carnivore livers are, but everyone seems to pick up on polar bears particularly. If you eat a carnivore liver you get Hypervitaminosis A, surprisingly enough, this is caused by too much vitamin A…
Symptoms include headaches, nausea, anorexia, and dry, peeling skin. It has also been suggested that it can lead to a higher susceptibility to lung cancer. Essentially, high levels of vitamin A lead to kidney and liver damage, osteoporosis and increased intracranial pressure.
On the plus side, the prognosis is generally pretty good, depending on where you are. Since Ginny and Dec were in hiding, he couldn't seek appropriate medical attention. And Wizards are more susceptible to it than people, because, in the blunt and cruel way of authors everywhere, we needed him dead.
Ice cream recipe from the imaginatively named www.ice-cream-recipes.com
The idea of interspersing text with recipes comes from the credits of Hot Shots.