Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing--not the OC, not the characters, not the songs.
Author's note: Since I am done with finals, I will be able to write and update more in the next few weeks. I only see a few more chapters in the future for this story, so the end is near L . Thanks to everyone who has ever left a review--it really means a lot to me, since this is the first fic I've ever wrote. Keep on reviewing…and enjoy--
One
Chapter 18: I will make you hurt
Summer opened the door to her apartment and threw her purse and briefcase on the couch. Kenji ran up to her and licked her legs as she collapsed onto a chair. It was her first day back at work and she had been swamped with phone calls and tasks to take care of. She was tired and she needed a rest.
The rest of the week spent in Newport had been just helping Marissa with wedding coordinating. She stayed away from the Cohens as much as she possibly could, which really didn't matter as he had gone back to LA the day after the engagement party. Everyone had noticed a change in her. She walked a little bit straighter and her head was held a little bit higher. She needed to make up for the humiliation and pain that was dealt to her. She was quicker to snap at things than ever before, rage blackouts and all.
***
She turned on the television as she started to cook dinner. Great. His show was on. Something inside her would not let her turn it off. Within a few minutes, she was engrossed in the story. Every phrase, every movement, there was double meaning in it.
***
Jamie walked down to her favorite place on the beach. She looked out over the waves as the sun set over them. This was her favorite time of day. The end of another day. She hugged her arms to herself protectively. It was chilly this winter. She heard footsteps behind her. She didn't have to turn around to know who it was.
Sam placed his coat on her shoulders. She looked at him hopefully and he took her hand into his. He moved behind her and hugged her to him. She leaned into him comfortably. It seemed like everything was going right for them. Sam leaned down and kissed her softly, then with more passion. As he pulled away, she smiled at him, but he stared blankly at her.
"What is it, Sam."
He laughed, "How can you stand there and do this, Jamie?"
"Do what?"
"You stand there and you pretend that everything is alright between us."
"Isn't it?"
"NO! Don't you see it? Every time we're alone, you are perfectly normal and I like to think you actually want to be there with me."
She took his hand in hers, "I do want to be with you."
"Well, why don't you show it then? When we're at school or around your friends, you ignore me. I can't do that anymore. I forgave you once, and you turned me down. I thought this could work, but I've been wrong this whole time."
"Sam, I want you. I need you to be with me," she started whimpering as a solitary tear trickled down her cheek.
"That's really great that you feel this way now, Jamie. Why don't you think about it the next time we're at a party that I wasn't invited to, while I have to watch you skank it up with some asshole."
Jamie was crying heavily now. She knew all of the things he said were true. He walked away from her and she sat down in the water letting the waves wash over her. She let them clean her and rid her of all her impurities. She didn't care if everyone saw her. She was hurting and she wanted the whole world to hurt with her.
***
"Great show, Seth! You should've seen my wife last night. She was bawling." His business partner, Brett came along side him and patted him on the back. He was the more stable of the two. Brett had graduated from USC, then married his college sweetheart whom he had met while in his fraternity. It was too Newport for Seth to fathom. Brett was a good guy though, he was always there for Seth and didn't cast too much judgment on him. Brett knew that underneath the hard exterior that was Seth Cohen, Hollywood producer/writer, there was a softer, gentler man who had a good heart. It's just that no one had ever seen that man.
"Oh yeah? It's good to know that the writing is hitting people where it matters."
"How, do you do it man? It's so emotional and intense."
"Are you saying that I'm emotionless and dull?"
"No, of course not, it's just for all the years I've known you, you haven't been Mr. Touchy-feely. And as for your relationships, I don't call your longest relationship of one and half months significant."
Seth shrugged, it wasn't anything he hadn't heard before. "I just see things. I picture them in my mind as what should happen. Jamie feels guilty for hurting Sam and he has hardened because of what she's done to him. It's pretty simple when you think about it."
Brett looked at him. Nothing was ever that simple. Obviously, Seth had experience with the subject--how else would anyone be able to write something so raw and emotion wrought. "Whatever, man, just keep it up. The rating are going through the roof. We're getting all the numbers in the 18-49 female and male categories. We have lunch with Robert today to discuss the season finale at noon at Birds. And tonight, Lakers, Mavs?"
"Yeah, I remember. Thanks." Seth honestly didn't really care about viewers or ratings or whatever. He only cared that one person watched his show. He knew she had seen it, he just felt it. He still felt like a complete asshole for what he did, but he got over it. Life wasn't fair. Too bad. She had never been fair to him.
She took his young and vulnerable heart, played with it, then acted like he wasn't alive. Had he been the spineless Seth Cohen before Ryan showed, he probably would've let her. But he had grown a backbone and he wasn't going to put up with that from any girl. He had broken up with Anna for her. And then she had broken his heart again. He remembered the night of the party once more, the look on her face when she whispered that she loved him in front of all those stupid Newport assholes. They were 18, what did any of them know about love? All Summer knew was hurt. And that's what she inflicted upon him. She thought she could have him to play with whenever she wanted, but he had shot her down. And he just let her go. He had spent many a night sitting on the Summer's Breeze with a bottle of vodka as his companion, just thinking of her. Drowning out his sorrow in alcohol, learning to use drunkenness as an effective coping mechanism. After all, he did have more of his mother's blood in him. Eventually, his heart hardened, with the memory of Summer inside. And with that came the flood of emotions that were poured out whenever pen touched paper. Even in his work, she was all he could think of. She tortured and haunted him always.
And then she had come back, just suddenly showed up once more. So he hurt her. He punished her for coming back and awakening the old feelings that were buried inside of him. What was the other alternative? He had to do it--he needed to purge her from his system. She had made his life miserable. And somehow she had done that by just being there.
He took out a bottle of vodka from his refrigerator. He poured it into a glass and drank, slowly, relishing the taste of the strong, unmixed alcohol. He turned around and looked at the city of Burbank. He could see people bustling about on the lot, rushing to get scenes done. Everything was always so fast and orderly; everything was under such control on his show. That's the way he had to have it. Unfortunately, his own life was much more disorderly and out of control. He tried to take another sip but realized that the glass tumbler was empty. When did you become such a worthless drunk? He threw his glass against the wall, watching it shatter into many little pieces.
Seth had to change his life. It was going nowhere. He had a career, but with his drinking and partying habits, how long would it be until they replaced him with staff writers and took away his say in everything? He hardly had any friends. He had severely damaged ties with his family. He had no one to be with, let alone love him. He needed to be saved. There was only one person who could, but he screwed that chance up again too. Why was he kidding himself, even if he hadn't screwed up royally with her, she'd still be the heartless bitch she always was. People didn't change. He sat at his desk with his head covered with his hands. Then he began to write.
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Hurt performed by Johnny Cash