Thanks so much for the reviews: forever-buffy and her ang, SalsaDevil, Carby6, Maven, nikki, Chicago, Sci Fi Fan Gillian, lolomo, ER-Carby-Luva, Proffy, Kim, and Fair Cate! You guys are great, thanks again.
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May 20th, 2003
Abby woke with a start later that morning to the sound of the garbage truck outside. Perfect. The sun was practically blinding her through the window as she rolled over. Her clock was blinking, so the power had come back on sometime during the night. Not bothering to reset the clock, she glanced at her watch on the nightstand. Eight o' clock. Two hours to kill until her shift, and she could definitely use a shower.
Taking one look in the mirror over her dresser, she winced and pulled her hair back before grabbing everything she would need for her shower, along with a clean pair of scrubs. Yawning again, Abby knew that she was better off starting the coffee pot before she showered because without a doubt, she'd need at least four cups of coffee to help her deal with Carter and County General.
Quietly, Abby walked into the living room. If she didn't see Carter sprawled out on her couch, sound asleep with his mouth partly open, she would have thought he would have taken off by now, back to Gamma's mansion.
"Bullshit," she muttered under her breath as she picked up the blanket and spread it out over his body. Carter stirred somewhat, but didn't make any intention of waking up. Not now, at least. "You were tired." Abby thought back on how John had told her that he wasn't tired because he had slept on the plane before walking into the kitchen to start the coffee pot.
Minutes later, she had started the shower and had turned on her waterproof radio. Abby didn't totally understand the purpose of needing it, and only after her brother had given it to her one year for a gift had she liked having it around. It was pretty convenient since she took long enough showers after her shifts.
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet
Abby grabbed the shampoo and started lathering her hair, wincing as the lyrics of the next song started to play. Even though she wasn't too familiar with the song, it reminded Abby of her and Carter's relationship and what they had gone through.
Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet
Carter would probably be up soon, and she couldn't just walk around her apartment and ignore him while she got ready for work. Okay yes, technically she could, but Abby knew they had left on bad terms, and wasn't about to let him get away again. They had to talk everything through, and if they couldn't do it today, they'd have to really sit down and let everything out sometime soon.
Only when I stop to think about itI hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me?
Abby turned off the radio before rinsing the shampoo out of her hair. She didn't need some song trying to act as a form of therapy right now. She needed to know where she and John were supposed to go from here, but she had no idea, and was pretty sure that neither did he. Again, another problem. Shutting off the now lukewarm water, Abby quickly toweled off before pulling her robe on. She managed to wring most of the water out of her long brown hair before pinning it up with a clip. She desperately needed that coffee.
Abby walked into the living room again. Carter was still asleep. She tiptoed around him carefully and turned the television on with the remote to check the weather. Upper sixties, partly cloudy with a chance of showers.
"Hey," Carter spoke up groggily. "What time is it?"
"Almost eight thirty. How'd you sleep?" Abby turned the volume up on the television and started trying to catch the news report—not that she cared too much, but because she didn't really want to force any conversation with Carter right now.
"Okay. Good. You?"
"Okay."
"I just made coffee, and I haven't gone food shopping in a week, so good luck with finding something edible that's not sprouting mold by now," Abby cracked. "I just took a shower so you might want to let the water get a chance to heat up again before you get in there."
"You didn't ask me to join you?" he yawned, sitting up on the couch and stretching his arms.
Abby looked the other way towards the kitchen. "You were sleeping and for the record, I think we have other issues to work on before we start showering together again. Or sleeping together, or doing anything people in a relationship do. If we still have a relationship," she shot back. Once she got into the kitchen, she grabbed a clean mug off of the rack and poured herself coffee.
Carter followed her, running his fingers through his dishelved hair. As much as he wanted to blow up at her right now and put her in her place and explain his side of the story, he didn't want to walk away like that. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"No, you really shouldn't have." Abby sat down at the kitchen table and watched as Carter helped himself to his own mug of coffee.
Carter sat down across from her. "I don't know what you want me to say. I can apologize time after time and you'd still be pissed off at me so…I really don't know what else to do."
"Neither do I," Abby sighed. "I missed you, you know? And I thought that you ran away because of me, because of our problems, because it wasn't working." She was not going to cry over this, but could feel the tears building up in the back of her eyes and the lump forming in her throat. "I know that was true—you ran because of everything going on. Because of Gamma, because of our fucked up relationship, my problems, my family, the proposal, everything. Africa was your way out—I understand that. I'm sorry. Maybe I should be the one apologizing. I don't know what to do. I don't know if we should stay together, or stay apart. I don't know what the right thing is, John. You tell me. Help me out a little bit here. I want to make this work, but I don't know if we can fix everything."
"I came back," Carter tried to explain. "If I didn't think this—us—wasn't fixable, I would have went straight home. But I came here. I want to work things out. I love you."
"Do you really?" She stood up from the table and set her mug in the sink, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand.
Carter stood up and tried walking towards her. "Don't cry."
"I'm not," Abby replied stubbornly. "It's allergies."
"You're a bad liar."
She shrugged. "I know."
"Look, Abby—"
She shook her head. "Go take a shower, okay? I'll drop you off at the mansion."
"I'm coming into work tomorrow."
"I know."
"Abby…" Carter sighed and placed his own mug in the sink. "Don't do this."
"It's not Rio…but it's not here."
"Go take a shower, John."
The following morning, Abby attempted to track down Susan somewhere in the hospital. Jerry had pointed towards the bathroom, so she knocked quickly and leaned up against the wall. Surprisingly, not only did Susan come out of the bathroom, but so did Chuck, her ex husband.
Abby crossed her arms over her chest with a smile and turned to Susan when Chuck was out of earshot. "I thought you two were divorced."
Susan blushed. "We are."
"Carter's back," Abby added softly. "He tried to apologize yesterday morning."
Susan winced as they headed closer towards admit. "Oh no, did he screw it up? Why do they even bother?"
"No, he didn't really screw it up. He sounded pretty sincere about it, I guess. I just, I don't know. I don't know where we are."
"Dr. Lewis, you got yourself another TWA," Frank pointed out obnoxiously, pointing to a new third year medical student of Indian descent.
"We'll talk about this later?" Susan half smiled. "Hi, I'm Dr. Susan Lewis."
"Neela Rasgotra."
"Yep," Abby agreed, grabbing a chart and heading off to curtain one.
It wasn't until Carter had entered the makeshift lounge before his shift that he noticed that white plastic bag hanging from the handle of his locker. Grabbing it carefully, he sat down with it at the table and pulled out two photos. He remembered they had been taken one night when he and Abby had gone out to dinner with Eric and his fiancée. Happier times. If he asked Abby to dinner right now, would she even go with him?
They weren't solving anything by avoiding each other. After going home to the mansion the day before, Carter hadn't bothered calling Abby. He knew that she probably didn't want to speak with him, and didn't want to give it a try to annoy her even more. He stood up from the table and placed the pictures back in the bag, hanging it back on the handle before heading into admit.
"Carter, your grandmother's goddamn estate lawyer had called you every damn day that you were in Africa. I'm not your secretary. Do me a favor and call the guy back, okay? This is an ER, not 411," Frank muttered crankily while Carter walked back, heading for the trauma room.
"Nice to see you too, Frank," Carter said over his shoulder.
Susan looked up once Carter walked through the double doors. "Hey you. How was Africa?"
He shrugged. "It was great."
"Good to hear. Head on next door and see if Abby needs any help over there for me, will you?"
Not really the place he wanted to go right now, but he nodded. "Sure thing. Catch you later?"
"I'm not going anywhere," she smiled before Carter disappeared from the room. "What's going on here?"
Abby looked a little startled to see him come into the room just like that, but quickly regained her composure. "We need traction."
Carter nodded. "I found your present hanging on my locker. Subtle. Very subtle."
"Glad to know you appreciate something besides yourself, then," Abby spat back. She turned back to the patient with a smile. "We're going to get you set up, okay Hannah?"
"She's crashing." Carter ignored Abby's comments and instead went straight into doctor mode.
"Think her T-waves look peaked?"
He shook his head. "Nope."
"V-tach."
"Charge to 250."
"Clear." When there was no response, Abby sighed. "Her T-waves are peaked," she pointed out smugly. "She's still crashing."
"Charge to 300."
"You should've just listened to me."
"Can we just do this later?" Carter snapped. "Give me the paddles."
"Fine. Clear!"
Carter noted normal sinus rhythm and shot a look at Abby. "She looks okay. Call me if you need me."
"I won't."
"Hey, Abby!"
Abby turned around and almost bumped straight into Susan. "Hey."
"Sorry about before. It got a little hectic around here. This place is a mess with all the construction."
"Don't worry about it."
"So have you talked to Carter? Things looked a little tense in trauma there."
She shrugged her shoulders. "Not really. We kind of tried insulting each other. Didn't really work."
Susan sighed. "He came straight from the airport to your place, Abby. That's got to tell you something."
Abby nodded. "Yeah, what? That he's horny?"
"Come on, Abby!" Susan laughed. "Or that he really missed you and felt badly about leaving you that way. Tell me you don't see his reasoning behind this."
"Maybe I don't. He's Carter. He's kind of complex."
"So are you."
Abby smiled. "Hey, whose side are you on?"
"Give him a chance to make up for it." Susan grabbed onto Abby's arm and led her away from admit. "Sorry, I have to pee." Abby followed Susan and towards the women's restroom, which was out of order.
"He shows up acting like he never went away and acts like he wasn't a jerk for leaving like that!" Abby told her. Susan pushed open the door to the men's restroom and headed for the stall. Malik and Frank shook their heads in surprise as Abby leaned against the sinks. "Make up for it how?"
"Flowers, a nice dinner. If you're really mad, jewelry. Give him a chance."
"I could use a new transmission for my car," Abby joked.
"You're a real romantic, Abby, you know that?" Susan told her, coming out of the stall and starting to wash her hands in the sink. She grabbed a paper towel and headed out of the bathroom with Abby at her side. "Haven't you punished him enough today?"
She shook her head. "It's not about punishing him."
Susan sighed. "Just give him the chance. You won't regret it." They had reached admit by now. Abby and Susan gathered around Jerry and Frank, who were trying to figure out the mixed phone lines due to the construction.
"Carter, you grandmother's lawyer is stopping by here to see you with some paperwork! Get rid of him, for the love of…Dr. Romano," Frank muttered under his breath.
"That's a lot of love," Susan said with a smile. She noticed how close Carter and Abby were now, both sorting through charts. "Abby, do it," she whispered.
Carter looked up at this, but quickly dropped his eyes back down.
"No," Abby whispered. "Forget it."
Carter glanced at her quickly and headed for the other side of admit, where he bumped into her as she tried to get away from the desk. "Hey."
"Hey," Abby replied.
"Uh, are you busy?"
She shook her head. "Not really. You?"
"No. Want to grab a cup of coffee?"
"Okay."
Susan gave Abby a smile. "Go girl," she whispered as Carter and Abby headed away from admit.
"How was it?"
Carter took a sip of his coffee and placed his free hand in his pockets as they walked down the street. "It was incredible…and terrible. The hospitals are understaffed and undersupplied. There's so much death and dying, and yet it's a beautiful country. It really makes you appreciate what we have here, with the modern medicine."
"Yeah," Abby agreed.
"It was a life changing experience. I just…don't know how yet."
They crossed a busy intersection and found themselves heading back towards County. "Where's Luka?" she questioned, glancing sideways at Carter.
"Is that what this is about?" he scowled, tossing his cup into a trashcan.
"No."
"Luka's fine. Luka's more than fine," Carter pointed out.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing at all."
She sighed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Do you know that we don't talk?" Abby didn't wait for Carter to respond before continuing. "Your mouth is moving and you give the impression of having a real conversation, but when you finish I have no idea what you're thinking."
"I'm just trying to tell you about Africa," Carter shot back. "Why do you have to blow everything out of proportion? I said I was sorry. I told you I missed you. What else do you want from me?"
"Don't you get it? You knew I didn't want you to go, and you went anyway!" Abby shouted at him. "What were you trying to do? Hurt me?"
"Here we go again. We're in the same exact place where we left off. Me, me, me. Abby, Abby, Abby. It's not always all about you!"
"No John, if I hadn't run into you that day, you would have taken off without telling me!" Abby stated, upset. "I would have heard if from Frank, probably! Not even from my own boyfriend!"
"I wasn't trying to hurt you. I just wanted something different, and I had that, and now I'm back."
"Did you think about me?" she questioned softly, almost afraid of the answer.
"Yes," Carter answered sincerely.
"What did you think?" He didn't answer. "What did you think?" There was no response. "I don't even know why you bothered coming back," she added bitterly. Quickly, Abby wrapped her arms around her chest and headed back towards the hospital.
"Oh, you're running away?" Carter shouted after her.
Abby spun around and nodded. "Yes!"
"Fine, walk away, it's what you do best!"
She paused and started walking back towards him. "Want to know what you do best? You make this all about my problems. You have some problems too."
"That's mature, Abby. You haven't changed at all," Carter said smartly, shaking his head in disgust. "Maybe I shouldn't have come back! I should have stayed. I knew I would have to deal with this when I got back, and I'm so tired of it—"
But Abby was no longer listening to him. Chuny had appeared and was speaking to her in a low tone, and Abby covered her mouth. "What?" she questioned Chuny loudly. Abby walked over to John. "There was a phone call. Luka…Luka's dead."
"What?"
"I don't know." Abby shook her head, and Carter pulled her into his arms.
"Come on," he replied softly. "Let's find something out."
"Zagreb. No, that's in Croatia. Can I have that number then? Thank you."
Abby walked into the lounge and walked over to the table. Carter glanced up at her and gave her a sad look while jotting down a number on a piece of paper. He hung up the phone and sighed.
"What are you doing?" she spoke up.
"Trying to get a hold of Luka's relatives in Zagreb. Shit, I just remembered that the Alliance would have all of Luka's contact information. I have to go back to the Congo." Shakily, Carter started stacking medical supplies in a small sized duffel bag as Abby stared on in disbelief.
"Wait, you're going back there? Why?" she asked in shock.
"Because I left him there," Carter answered. He really wasn't trying to lose his temper with her. Not now. "I should've stayed." He finished packing the duffel and grabbed his jacket from his locker, rushing down the halls.
"John—"
"Abby, I have to go."
"Please don't go. Not until it's safer there," Abby begged him. They were now standing in the middle of the ambulance bay, having made it out of the ER quickly.
"I can't leave him!" he shouted at her. "Don't you understand that?"
"I do understand that! Stay! I can't keep doing this," Abby called after him.
"I'll call you from Paris." He slowed down a little, only turning back to glance over his shoulder at her.
Abby didn't know what to do. She could follow him and resolve whatever was left of their relationship, or she could let him leave her again and call it quits. For once in her life, she wasn't torn and was able to make a quick decision. "Wait! Carter! Dammit!" She broke into a run down the sidewalk.
Carter paused at the intersection, watching her in disbelief. Was she trying to convince him to stay, or about to come with him? "I can't stay. I have to go."
"Then let me go with you."
"What?"
"I'm coming with you."
"Weaver will have your head if you leave without telling her," he warned.
Abby half smiled. "She already has yours."
Carter nodded. "We'll go to your place first. Pack light. I'll call the airline on the El."
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"(I Hate) Everything About You" by Three Days Grace.