"Come on, you can do better than that!"
"There's nothing you can do, Harry -"
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"
"Its too late, Harry."
"We can still reach him -"
"There's nothing you can do, Harry ... nothing ... he's gone."
"He hasn't gone!"
"SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"
"He can't come back, Harry, he can't come back because he's d-"
"HE - IS - NOT - DEAD! SIRIUS!"
----------
Remus woke up in a cold sweat. Those words had haunted him for months now, and still he could not remove them from his subconscious. He had been sure Sirius wasn't coming back from the moment the veil had swallowed him. And yet as time wore on, a nagging doubt had entered his mind. What if they had been able to move the veil and Sirius would be right there?
Remus got up and headed for the sink. His grungy shack had become even worse than before. Before he had at least tried to keep things clean despite the peeling paint. Now it was an effort to get up every morning to look for work. The taps creaked as he turned them. Remus splashed the water on his face and looked into the mirror. It was badly streaked and there was rust around the edges, but he could still see the bags under his sleep deprived eyes. He could still see how his face was becoming hollow and thin. He could still see the remaining brown hair amidst the grey tangled mess. It was only a matter of time before things got worse. His work for the Order had been limited these days. He didn't blame them for lessening his workload, nor did he dislike it. The only thing he hadn't cared for was how much time it gave him to think about how much had gone wrong.
Remus peered out the window as the moonlight was streaming in. How he hated moonlight and all it stood for. The sickly glow that brought with it unimaginable pain. It would soon be midnight; time for the transformation. The suddenly th e moonlight burned his skin and he stepped back from the window in agony. Not that the pain hadn't left because the throbbing had entered his bones and his skin began to ripple. The hairs on his arms grew in thickness and length. Remus's legs then began to change shape. His feet lengthened and his legs shortened causing all of his muscles to pull taught or become limp for brief periods of time. They then set themselves straight out from his stomach. His spine altered shape and his fingers shrunk back. There was the painful sliding of his shoulder blades to in front of his rounding chest. His neck became thicker and longer. Now came the reshaping of his skull. His nasal passages started to pull forward, the pain coursing through his head. His incisors grew as his molars twisted to sharp spades. The lengthening of his bottom jaw was overshadowed by his skull becoming streamlined and pointed. It had set itself to connect parallel to his spine as opposed to perpendicular. The searing pain through his flesh as all of his organs altered position and size while he ushered a howl. All of this happens every full moon in under a minute.
For a moment he lay as a wolf panting on the floor. The wolfsbane potion forced him to keep his sanity even during the most painful parts of the transformation. He still felt like tearing the wall apart, but he knew where he was. There were old slash marks in the wall. His head was screaming at him to tear, shred and kill. He rushed at the wall, this time letting the fury take him. Remus felt the release of the consuming hatred. He acted as a rabid dog would, attacking everything. When he grew tired of aiming his senseless fury at the wall he let go a painful howl of sadness, pain and regret. The echoes travelled much further than ever before and even muggles were not comforted by the thought that it was "just a wolf."
Remus moved from where he lay resting and the moonlight entered the window. The moon, he must destroy the moon to end it all. This was the irrational thinking of a mad wolf. The barred window blocked his way to rip it, to kill it. If only he could get rid of it. But then sanity flooded him, and the hatred was gone.
----------
Dead.
----------
The word itself made Remus come hurtling back to reality at such a speed that it hurt, the reality he would much rather have left behind. He was alone, truly alone. No one was ever going to be there again. Nothing, there was nothing. No Sirius to turn to, no hope. Even the thought of Sirius being guilty had hurt less than his death. It was an awful though and it made him want to be sick.
He let loose a howl, a howl even more sorrowful and heart wrenching than the last. Why? Wasn't that the question never answered? The question children asked until could be explained no more? And wasn't now a time when it could be answered no further? Why.
The unanswered question, the one thing when you really need to know the answer, the prayer falls on deaf ears. How to keep going was what needed to be done now. Remus made another crazed dash at the wall. How to deal with pain; hadn't he learned that long ago? No, pain was never anything that you could ever fully cope with. You can put on a front but inside you still die a little each day. He knew that he would never be okay and never again would he be happy like before. Remus wasn't living for himself anymore, and he knew it. He had only one goal now, and that was to protect James's memory from harm. Harry was all that mattered now. He had failed his friends in all the other respects, but he could not fail when it came to Harry. He had let Peter feel like he still had to go elsewhere, and didn't see it coming. He hadn't been able to get to James. He had not believed in Sirius's innocence. He would die for Harry if it meant he had done something right for a change. Then he could rest. Then he could be happy again. Then he would be whole. Not this blind fury. He howled once more and curled up in silence, satisfied and tired. Then he slept.
---------
"When I grow up, I'm gonna be an Auror!"
"Oh yeah? Well I'm going to be the most powerful wizard ever!"
"I'm going to be the most famous wizard, and everyone will want my autograph!"
"Moony, what are you gonna be?"
"Normal."
----------
Remus awoke on the floor, but he had a more restful sleep than ever before the last night. He got dressed and walked to the door, grabbing his tattered hat on the way out. Today he was headed for Number Twelve Grimmauld Place.
"There's nothing you can do, Harry -"
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"
"Its too late, Harry."
"We can still reach him -"
"There's nothing you can do, Harry ... nothing ... he's gone."
"He hasn't gone!"
"SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"
"He can't come back, Harry, he can't come back because he's d-"
"HE - IS - NOT - DEAD! SIRIUS!"
----------
Remus woke up in a cold sweat. Those words had haunted him for months now, and still he could not remove them from his subconscious. He had been sure Sirius wasn't coming back from the moment the veil had swallowed him. And yet as time wore on, a nagging doubt had entered his mind. What if they had been able to move the veil and Sirius would be right there?
Remus got up and headed for the sink. His grungy shack had become even worse than before. Before he had at least tried to keep things clean despite the peeling paint. Now it was an effort to get up every morning to look for work. The taps creaked as he turned them. Remus splashed the water on his face and looked into the mirror. It was badly streaked and there was rust around the edges, but he could still see the bags under his sleep deprived eyes. He could still see how his face was becoming hollow and thin. He could still see the remaining brown hair amidst the grey tangled mess. It was only a matter of time before things got worse. His work for the Order had been limited these days. He didn't blame them for lessening his workload, nor did he dislike it. The only thing he hadn't cared for was how much time it gave him to think about how much had gone wrong.
Remus peered out the window as the moonlight was streaming in. How he hated moonlight and all it stood for. The sickly glow that brought with it unimaginable pain. It would soon be midnight; time for the transformation. The suddenly th e moonlight burned his skin and he stepped back from the window in agony. Not that the pain hadn't left because the throbbing had entered his bones and his skin began to ripple. The hairs on his arms grew in thickness and length. Remus's legs then began to change shape. His feet lengthened and his legs shortened causing all of his muscles to pull taught or become limp for brief periods of time. They then set themselves straight out from his stomach. His spine altered shape and his fingers shrunk back. There was the painful sliding of his shoulder blades to in front of his rounding chest. His neck became thicker and longer. Now came the reshaping of his skull. His nasal passages started to pull forward, the pain coursing through his head. His incisors grew as his molars twisted to sharp spades. The lengthening of his bottom jaw was overshadowed by his skull becoming streamlined and pointed. It had set itself to connect parallel to his spine as opposed to perpendicular. The searing pain through his flesh as all of his organs altered position and size while he ushered a howl. All of this happens every full moon in under a minute.
For a moment he lay as a wolf panting on the floor. The wolfsbane potion forced him to keep his sanity even during the most painful parts of the transformation. He still felt like tearing the wall apart, but he knew where he was. There were old slash marks in the wall. His head was screaming at him to tear, shred and kill. He rushed at the wall, this time letting the fury take him. Remus felt the release of the consuming hatred. He acted as a rabid dog would, attacking everything. When he grew tired of aiming his senseless fury at the wall he let go a painful howl of sadness, pain and regret. The echoes travelled much further than ever before and even muggles were not comforted by the thought that it was "just a wolf."
Remus moved from where he lay resting and the moonlight entered the window. The moon, he must destroy the moon to end it all. This was the irrational thinking of a mad wolf. The barred window blocked his way to rip it, to kill it. If only he could get rid of it. But then sanity flooded him, and the hatred was gone.
----------
Dead.
----------
The word itself made Remus come hurtling back to reality at such a speed that it hurt, the reality he would much rather have left behind. He was alone, truly alone. No one was ever going to be there again. Nothing, there was nothing. No Sirius to turn to, no hope. Even the thought of Sirius being guilty had hurt less than his death. It was an awful though and it made him want to be sick.
He let loose a howl, a howl even more sorrowful and heart wrenching than the last. Why? Wasn't that the question never answered? The question children asked until could be explained no more? And wasn't now a time when it could be answered no further? Why.
The unanswered question, the one thing when you really need to know the answer, the prayer falls on deaf ears. How to keep going was what needed to be done now. Remus made another crazed dash at the wall. How to deal with pain; hadn't he learned that long ago? No, pain was never anything that you could ever fully cope with. You can put on a front but inside you still die a little each day. He knew that he would never be okay and never again would he be happy like before. Remus wasn't living for himself anymore, and he knew it. He had only one goal now, and that was to protect James's memory from harm. Harry was all that mattered now. He had failed his friends in all the other respects, but he could not fail when it came to Harry. He had let Peter feel like he still had to go elsewhere, and didn't see it coming. He hadn't been able to get to James. He had not believed in Sirius's innocence. He would die for Harry if it meant he had done something right for a change. Then he could rest. Then he could be happy again. Then he would be whole. Not this blind fury. He howled once more and curled up in silence, satisfied and tired. Then he slept.
---------
"When I grow up, I'm gonna be an Auror!"
"Oh yeah? Well I'm going to be the most powerful wizard ever!"
"I'm going to be the most famous wizard, and everyone will want my autograph!"
"Moony, what are you gonna be?"
"Normal."
----------
Remus awoke on the floor, but he had a more restful sleep than ever before the last night. He got dressed and walked to the door, grabbing his tattered hat on the way out. Today he was headed for Number Twelve Grimmauld Place.