DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these people.
Our show opens with wide sweeping views of an island out in the middle of a big ocean. After you see the island twenty times or so, it zooms in on a little wooden put-put boat heading towards the island. You see a man standing on the boat looking into the camera.
" Hello, my name is Manwë and this is "Survivor Middle Earth". We have 16 contestants from all over Middle Earth that came to duke it out and stand as the sole survivor. Our two tribes are Calmindon and Cabed Naeramarth, elven names picked totally by chance for our separate teams. On the Calmindon team we have:
Saruman- an evil wizard turned good who was quite an orc charmer. Some say he had special relations with-"
" Hey! You're not allowed to insult me! Especially on national- whatever! I curse you!!" Saruman cried waving what looked like a very small twig in the air and pointing it at Manwë.
" Saruman, now you know better, your still on probation- you don't want to have to leave the show do you? And you know you're not supposed to have a staff," Manwë said attempting to take the twig from Saruman rather ungracefully and unsuccessfully. Standing upright and dusting himself off he snapped his fingers. In the background Saruman is tackled by some very strong looking men in all black clothes. You can then see the men giving Saruman a sedative as he gets a rather stupid look on his face. " Well, anyways- our next contestant is Frodo Baggins, a peaceful hobbit from the shire. Son of Drogo, descendent of the FAMOUS Bilbo Baggins-"
" Hey! I'm famous TOO," said a rather sick looking hobbit sitting next to a very hairy fellow.
" Can I PLEASE get through one person without getting INTERRUPTED????" Manwê looks at the contestants who shrink back. "THANK YOU. Our next contestant is Legolas, prince of Mirkwood forest. While roaming the countryside, he enjoys shooting things with his BIG BOW-" Manwë hears Legolas start to say something and gives him an evil glare. "Galadriel, an old elven ring holder was once voted Miss Middle Earth."
"Twice!" Galadriel shouted and quickly shrank away.
" Ahem, our NEXT competitor is Arwen, an elf who gave up her immortality for a passing crush- AND IF I AM INTERRUPTED AGAIN I WILL STOP THIS BOAT!!!" As Arwen opened and swiftly closed her mouth again. "Eowyn, a Rohan warrior super woman wannabe is here by request even though she had no significant part in the story-" Manwë turns and gives Eowyn a death stare. " Another hobbit by the name of Samwise Gamgee- wait a second, what kind of name is Samwise? Why would someone name their kid that? I mean were they on the weed or something?? Anyways, our last contestant on the Calmindon team is Meriodac Brandybuck. What is up with these hobbit names??? You know what? I don't even want to know. Our OTHER tribe, which might prove to be more civilized, is Cabed Naeramarth. Gandalf, our first contender is an old wizard also who overtook Saruman and became Gandalf the White. He enjoys smoking his weed, playing with hobbits and secretly plotting to take over the world." Camera shot on Gandalf who smiles sweetly despite the insults of Manwë. "Suck up," Manwë says under his breath looking back to the camera. " Elrond is a wise old elf having a bad hair century as it might seem-"
"Um, excuse me, Manwë sir? Are you aware that our tribe name means-"
" I SAID that they were picked totally random- did I not??" Manwë says looking to his cameraman and nodding. " OKAY then. Can we continue??? Gimli, a rather smelly old chap, is a dwarf who did right next to nothing. No, wait, he did seem to lead them into that Moria place, and get Gandalf killed, and piss the elves off so I guess he did something. Excuse me, he didn't piss his 'Leggy' off, that's about the only one though. And in case some of you watchers out there didn't read the whole story, because he was hooked up with an elf, Gimli got to live on an island resort with his Legolas for the rest of his pathetic little life! Makes ya look at those elves a little differently don't it? Our next slinky little fellow goes by the name of Gollum and Smeagol. It all depends on which day you catch him. That is, if you really WANT to catch him. He is known for killing people, attempting to kill people and being overly possessive of his 'precious' which he lost in the fiery volcano of Doom." Camera shot on Gollum who looks as if he's about to have a seizure. " He enjoys slinking around all day and eating raw fish. Faramir, another rather insignificant guy, who was put on the show to make the 16 people, was a second choice for his wife and opposing team person- Eowyn. He was chosen after he wooed her, drugged her and took her home. They now enjoy their married life in an old broken-down mansion on the border of Gondor. After the, um, tragic death of his father and brother, and his attempted murder on behalf of his father, he is the inherited steward of Gondor. What a job," Manwë rolls his eyes, clears his throat and continues. " Our next survivor is Aragorn, King of Gondor and Arnor. His wife, Arwen is also on our show, as I've mentioned before, she was a former immortal. I also hear he's cheating on her with-"
"WHAT??? Araggy, I thought we were through all of our problems!! I mean we went to counseling and everything!!!! I can't believe you!!!" Arwen suddenly jumps up from her seat and starts reaching over Frodo to beat Aragorn.
" I can't help my urges woman!! You just aren't good enough for me!!" Aragorn says in a manly tone while cowering behind Gimli. Finally Arwen gives up, whether it was from the stench of Gimli or the pepper spray pointed at her- we may never know.
" As we continue," Manwë said with a rather fixed, mad smile, " We come to Boromir, the dead brother of Faramir, who has come back from the dead just to join us. Don't even ask how the producers got a hold of him… And finally we come to Pippin, a fun loving hobbit who also enjoys smoking weed. Well those are our teams, Calmindon and Cabed Naeramarth! Now to show you where our teams will be living for the next 39 days. Camera shots over the island again circling down on to a sunny spot filled with wild flocks of squirrels, don't ask, and lots of pineapple trees.
"This is where our Calmindon team will be residing. The teams have never seen their spot before and will be asked to find it using half of a map that we have provided them." The camera moves to the other side of the island where there is a clearing in a rocky, deserted area with no sun. " And this is where our Cabed Naeramarth team will be located. And right after these commercials, we will set our teams free to begin their journey."
Our show opens with wide sweeping views of an island out in the middle of a big ocean. After you see the island twenty times or so, it zooms in on a little wooden put-put boat heading towards the island. You see a man standing on the boat looking into the camera.
" Hello, my name is Manwë and this is "Survivor Middle Earth". We have 16 contestants from all over Middle Earth that came to duke it out and stand as the sole survivor. Our two tribes are Calmindon and Cabed Naeramarth, elven names picked totally by chance for our separate teams. On the Calmindon team we have:
Saruman- an evil wizard turned good who was quite an orc charmer. Some say he had special relations with-"
" Hey! You're not allowed to insult me! Especially on national- whatever! I curse you!!" Saruman cried waving what looked like a very small twig in the air and pointing it at Manwë.
" Saruman, now you know better, your still on probation- you don't want to have to leave the show do you? And you know you're not supposed to have a staff," Manwë said attempting to take the twig from Saruman rather ungracefully and unsuccessfully. Standing upright and dusting himself off he snapped his fingers. In the background Saruman is tackled by some very strong looking men in all black clothes. You can then see the men giving Saruman a sedative as he gets a rather stupid look on his face. " Well, anyways- our next contestant is Frodo Baggins, a peaceful hobbit from the shire. Son of Drogo, descendent of the FAMOUS Bilbo Baggins-"
" Hey! I'm famous TOO," said a rather sick looking hobbit sitting next to a very hairy fellow.
" Can I PLEASE get through one person without getting INTERRUPTED????" Manwê looks at the contestants who shrink back. "THANK YOU. Our next contestant is Legolas, prince of Mirkwood forest. While roaming the countryside, he enjoys shooting things with his BIG BOW-" Manwë hears Legolas start to say something and gives him an evil glare. "Galadriel, an old elven ring holder was once voted Miss Middle Earth."
"Twice!" Galadriel shouted and quickly shrank away.
" Ahem, our NEXT competitor is Arwen, an elf who gave up her immortality for a passing crush- AND IF I AM INTERRUPTED AGAIN I WILL STOP THIS BOAT!!!" As Arwen opened and swiftly closed her mouth again. "Eowyn, a Rohan warrior super woman wannabe is here by request even though she had no significant part in the story-" Manwë turns and gives Eowyn a death stare. " Another hobbit by the name of Samwise Gamgee- wait a second, what kind of name is Samwise? Why would someone name their kid that? I mean were they on the weed or something?? Anyways, our last contestant on the Calmindon team is Meriodac Brandybuck. What is up with these hobbit names??? You know what? I don't even want to know. Our OTHER tribe, which might prove to be more civilized, is Cabed Naeramarth. Gandalf, our first contender is an old wizard also who overtook Saruman and became Gandalf the White. He enjoys smoking his weed, playing with hobbits and secretly plotting to take over the world." Camera shot on Gandalf who smiles sweetly despite the insults of Manwë. "Suck up," Manwë says under his breath looking back to the camera. " Elrond is a wise old elf having a bad hair century as it might seem-"
"Um, excuse me, Manwë sir? Are you aware that our tribe name means-"
" I SAID that they were picked totally random- did I not??" Manwë says looking to his cameraman and nodding. " OKAY then. Can we continue??? Gimli, a rather smelly old chap, is a dwarf who did right next to nothing. No, wait, he did seem to lead them into that Moria place, and get Gandalf killed, and piss the elves off so I guess he did something. Excuse me, he didn't piss his 'Leggy' off, that's about the only one though. And in case some of you watchers out there didn't read the whole story, because he was hooked up with an elf, Gimli got to live on an island resort with his Legolas for the rest of his pathetic little life! Makes ya look at those elves a little differently don't it? Our next slinky little fellow goes by the name of Gollum and Smeagol. It all depends on which day you catch him. That is, if you really WANT to catch him. He is known for killing people, attempting to kill people and being overly possessive of his 'precious' which he lost in the fiery volcano of Doom." Camera shot on Gollum who looks as if he's about to have a seizure. " He enjoys slinking around all day and eating raw fish. Faramir, another rather insignificant guy, who was put on the show to make the 16 people, was a second choice for his wife and opposing team person- Eowyn. He was chosen after he wooed her, drugged her and took her home. They now enjoy their married life in an old broken-down mansion on the border of Gondor. After the, um, tragic death of his father and brother, and his attempted murder on behalf of his father, he is the inherited steward of Gondor. What a job," Manwë rolls his eyes, clears his throat and continues. " Our next survivor is Aragorn, King of Gondor and Arnor. His wife, Arwen is also on our show, as I've mentioned before, she was a former immortal. I also hear he's cheating on her with-"
"WHAT??? Araggy, I thought we were through all of our problems!! I mean we went to counseling and everything!!!! I can't believe you!!!" Arwen suddenly jumps up from her seat and starts reaching over Frodo to beat Aragorn.
" I can't help my urges woman!! You just aren't good enough for me!!" Aragorn says in a manly tone while cowering behind Gimli. Finally Arwen gives up, whether it was from the stench of Gimli or the pepper spray pointed at her- we may never know.
" As we continue," Manwë said with a rather fixed, mad smile, " We come to Boromir, the dead brother of Faramir, who has come back from the dead just to join us. Don't even ask how the producers got a hold of him… And finally we come to Pippin, a fun loving hobbit who also enjoys smoking weed. Well those are our teams, Calmindon and Cabed Naeramarth! Now to show you where our teams will be living for the next 39 days. Camera shots over the island again circling down on to a sunny spot filled with wild flocks of squirrels, don't ask, and lots of pineapple trees.
"This is where our Calmindon team will be residing. The teams have never seen their spot before and will be asked to find it using half of a map that we have provided them." The camera moves to the other side of the island where there is a clearing in a rocky, deserted area with no sun. " And this is where our Cabed Naeramarth team will be located. And right after these commercials, we will set our teams free to begin their journey."