Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Author's Note: This story takes place when Ramiela is seventeen years old. This is one of those odd stories that I am not sure whether it is finished or not. I could leave it the way it is or I could continue and at the moment I don't know where or if I will continue on with this or not.

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Sensei's hard look told me that he was most displeased with me, he had enough demands on him at the moment, having just recently become the Jonin of our clan, that he really didn't need the hassle that had come with this morning and was being put to rest solely on my shoulders. There had been a time when I was younger that I thought our honoured Master would forever be the Jonin of our clan and Sensei the chunin, but Splinter had to step down for even he was aware that his faculties were no longer what they once were.

It was scary knowing that things could change like that. It filled me with an uneasy dread of what I knew was to be.

I didn't dare risk seeing the look on Sensei's face I knew it well and I bowed my head further in submission as I kneeled at his feet as he towered over me. I knew the scowl that had to be etched there. I sensed his displeasure.

" Your duty to the Clan means you protect those who are with you Ramiela. You shouldn't have allowed Aiden to get any where near that gang war."

" Hai Sensei" I agreed. How could I not? It was my duty that much was clear, but how could anyone stop Aiden when he was bent on being as fractious as possible.

Course Sensei would not easily accept the " It's all Aiden's fault" bit even if it were the truth because part of my job to the Clan was to see to it Aiden didn't sneak off and get him self and the rest of us into trouble. I hated being responsible for Aiden's behaviour when he was on patrol with me, and even the fact that Aiden would receive a lecture of his own did not ease my irritation at him.

" You are the future leader of our Clan Ramiela as such you can not allow yourself to lapse" Sensei barked then his tone abruptly softened just slightly, " Any lapse on your part could mean death for not just yourself but others as well."

" Hai Sensei. I failed you, I failed the Clan." I admitted humbly forcing my voice to not choke up, as I know it was threatening to do. Saying these words were like putting a dagger into my own heart.

" How would you feel if the bullet had killed Aiden?"

I winced wanting so much to draw into my shell but I refused to do that. I was kunoichi – sort of- and I would not hide from him.

" Ramiela you must be more alert and take your responsibility seriously. Dismissed kunoichi."

Keeping my head down I bowed my way out of the room and then slumped against the outer wall of the meditation room.

I noted he hadn't informed me of any punishment I had to do to right my transgression. He'd probably inform me of that later once he knew how Aiden was doing and how bad the damage was.

Kaliann came out of the dojo and shrugged " It wasn't really your fault Ramiela. You didn't know that Aiden had snuck back and…"

" I should have expected it Kaliann I know what he is like. Sensei is right I wasn't paying attention and Aiden got hurt because of it" I grumbled irritably " we are jut lucky we got out of there alive."

" Aiden should have listened any ways. As it was the shuriken you tossed did manage to hit the bullet off its mark. If you hadn't done that much it might have killed him," she offered generously.

" He wouldn't have been hurt at all though if I had been paying attention to him." I snapped a bit then sighed " Just leave me alone Kaliann I appreciate the thought… but I'm just not in the mood." I finished before heading off. Her well meant words were nothing compared to the fact I had disgraced my Clan and might have caused the death of one of its members through my irresponsibility.

As far as I was concerned I had too much responsibility being forced on me and all I could see was all the responsibility that laid ahead of me. Like being Jonin of the clan. I didn't want to be the future Jonin. I would be quite happy to be a lowly Jenin for the rest of my life. But I knew it was an honour to be picked for such training and one that ought to fill me with pride.

It only filled me with trepidation.

All I knew was it meant more work and more accountability in the years to come. Never mind the guilt I would bear when I failed. And I was sure I would. Splinter's deterioration only confirmed that soon, no matter how strong or quick, we would all fail in some way. Nothing lasts forever.

Like the poem by Robert Frost which said it so clearly in just a few lines of simplicity.

Nature's first green is gold

Her hardest hue to hold

Her early leaf a flower

But only for an hour

Then leaf resides to leaf

So Eden sank to grief

The dawn dies down to day

Nothing gold can stay…

And once Sensei's time had come and gone it would be up to me to lead the new generation, I was the oldest and I would have to take his place. I didn't think I could be the Jonin Splinter had been, or even match the sort of Jonin that Sensei promised to be.

Dad was in the kitchen when I arrived.

" Rama…"

" Oh don't you start too!" I growled at him knowing by his tone of voice alone what to expect.

" Ramiela just cut with that attitude. I'm sick of it" Dad snapped his eyes narrowing " You keep this up and so help me I will chuck you out of your shell girl, and don't think that I won't either. I've had it with your behaviour!"

" And just what have I done now?" I groaned rolling my eyes in frustration and irritability.

" More like what you haven't done Ramiela. Like cleaning your room up and Sara said she saw you roaming around the mall when it was crowded."

" If it was so crowded how did Aunt Sara know it was me?" I shot back.

" Don't even try that girl. You know better." Dad insisted " Not to mention the other rules you have been breaking left right and center like not telling us where you are, sneaking out when you shouldn't be, sneaking out when you are grounded…"

Oh great now that he started he'd never end " I want a life dad is that such a crime?" I demanded sharply my own anger reaching the boiling point this morning had been bad enough without him jumping on me too!

With him it was always don't do this, don't do that. Rules, rules and more RULES!

" It is when you could be endangering the clan through your stupidity and your selfish actions." Dad informed me " You think Leo is going to continue to allow you this flagrant disregard of authority, without doing something about it?"

" I'm not endangering any one all right?"

" Except for yourself and the entire clan."

" I just want, oh to hell with what I want. My wants don't matter, they never have!" I yelled in fury as I shot out of the kitchen grabbing my disguise and heading for the front door as fast as I could go.

" Ramiela get back here!" Dad ordered.

" No I might NEVER come back again, then you won't have to worry about me endangering the clan," I yelled over my shoulders before diving out the front door slamming it behind me. Let the whole clan know that I was gone. At this point I was past caring.

I paused only long enough to pull on my disguise knowing if I went topside I would be breaking yet another rule.

Still I was enough of a ninja, and well enough trained that I didn't see why I couldn't be allowed topside whenever I pleased even if it was heading on to midday and the streets were crowded.

I loved my dad; I really did, not that you'd know it lately with all of our arguments. I didn't want to fight with him.

A part of me knew he was only worried about me and that he was protective of me. When I was younger I was glad to know he was around to protect me and keep me safe. He was my hero. Now he just seemed to hold me back keeping me from experiencing the nicer things in life. He was holding the reins too tight, when all I wanted was freedom to run. He was forcing more rules and guidelines on to me, making more demands of me on top of so much else and I just wanted to escape all of that so badly.

Our home was crowded and noisy and I longed for a life away from all of it. I wanted to be able to be normal, you know have friends, hang out at the mall, go out on dates. Live in a place that didn't have all my aunts, Uncles and cousins around.

I wanted a chance to be someone else, someone who didn't have to fight for a living but maybe instead work a real job and get money for it.

In short I wanted to be accepted and fit in with others not have to hide away because of being a creature. A mutant.

I didn't really mind being a kunoichi I just wanted a chance to be a normal teen too. I wasn't even a proper kunoichi when you got down to it. Kunoichi were not normally trained for intense battle the way I had been. They were trained how to please a man in every way, especially in lovemaking. I didn't know any thing about pleasing a fellow that way. I knew the theories, the how to make love but I had never been able to put it to practice. I was quite sure that I was going to die a virgin.

Sure it was easy for human females to fall for mutant turtle males after all my dad and uncles were all muscled with rock hard bodies the sort of things girls were supposed to go for after all but what human guy would ever have a female like ME?

Females were supposed to be beautiful, willowy, soft full of curves and appealing to the eyes. I didn't have any of that I was a turtle. I had long hair and long legs and that was it for feminine features.

No breast, no curves, no hips, no hourglass figure. I didn't even have lips that were made for kissing.

Even Jessie had a girlfriend now; he spent a great deal of his time with her and a part time job come the fall he was going to university. We hardly saw each other any more.

A few years back Jessie and I had spent some time doing some kissing with one another. It felt a little weird because it felt so different from kisses I had before from family. There had been something in it that had been full of promise, like a flower bud closed up tight but you know it will bloom, and there was the possibility of it growing into something more.

But at the same time it was kind of awkward because it was weird to be kissing like that when we were friends.

Ah well, probably just as well Jessie was dating human girls, much as his mother had come to accept us over the years I don't think she could handle her only son marrying the likes of me. I think Melody Scott would be drawing the line there.

I made my way into the park and stopped to observe a guy practicing advanced katas, other people had stopped to watch him perform.

I saw he had his shirt off and his muscled tanned chest glistened with sweat. His face was relaxed, his hazel eyes slightly unfocused as he flowed quickly through the moves. His short brown hair was damp with sweat but he wasn't breathing all that rough yet proving he had endurance. He looked like he was maybe twenty years old.

Some young teen girls around my age, were standing near by and I heard them giggling amongst one another.

" He is so hot" tittered one.

" I'd love to get his number."

The third girl licked at a Popsicle with slow licks of her tongue before popping the frozen treat in her mouth to suck on it.

I moved away from them focusing instead on him. I felt something stir with in my own body. My heart started to hammer against my plastron and I could almost feel my blood start to race through my veins. I didn't know why I felt this sudden warmth or longing. I didn't really understand it but I found I couldn't take my eyes off of him either.

I recognized each and every move although he was making them at quick speed. I could tell he was aware of the crowd that had gathered to watch him practice though he seemed oblivious to them not allowing the people to distract him from his discipline. The training, the dedication I knew well but I could tell he was at peace, where my emotions seemed to be in constant turmoil. Sometimes catching me unawares.

I watched him finish then bow towards those who had gathered to watch his display. A number of the females went forward to cluster around him asking ridiculous questions, batting their eyes, squealing and giggling. He spoke to them with patience his tone gentle and serene.

For a moment I could easily picture myself striding forward and challenging him to a match perhaps I would best him, perhaps he would best me. Either way it would impress him to some degree and he would want to learn about me and meet my family. At least my dad wouldn't be able to scare someone like him off very easily. From there well…

I really didn't know what would happen from that point, there were too many possibilities, and while I could imagine doing such a thing I knew in my heart I couldn't do it in real life.

If I challenged him to a match he would know very quickly I wasn't human and that opened the door to other aspects like the fact I could be endangering all those I loved by exposing myself to an unknown outsider.

For all I knew he could even be one of our sworn enemies.

Much as I wanted to go up and do something that would make him notice me above everyone else, I knew I couldn't do it because I had a responsibility to my Clan.

I felt myself once again torn between wanting what was normal for others of my age and by my duty to the Clan, which I was sworn to. Here was someone who might just understand me and accept me for who I was, accepting my drive and dedication and yet he was still a potential threat.

Sure in my dreams he could accept me but I knew reality was different from dreams. In reality he might reject me. Hurt me, or my entire family.

Why would he even want me? When it was painfully obvious he could have his pick of beautiful woman, who looked the way females were supposed to look. Not like a giant turtle.

I knew my duty. I knew what was expected of me, though a part of me wished otherwise.

I saw him pick up a towel and wipe off his sweated brow and face and then I saw him smile at something one of his admirers had said.

That smile made my heart stop for a moment or two and a slight gasp of air escape from deep within me.

I willed myself to turn and walk away before I forgot who I was, where I was. Walking away had never seemed so hard as it did then, my feet seemed to suddenly be made of lead.

I longed for the peace of body and spirit that he had displayed. I also envied him it; perhaps I could be a better kunoichi if I had that within my self.

I was instead at war with my self and family but I didn't know how to stop it.

I came to the lake and gazed down at my reflection for a moment before turning away.

I think I fought my family because of the hate I felt inside me. Not that I hate myself because I don't.

I like being Ramiela. I like being a kunoichi even if I'm not a proper one.

It is just I feel so torn between the two extremes of my life, the one extreme to do my duty to the Clan, live up to the expectations and demands that they make of me. I fear failing them in those expectations and in failing I will lose much honour and possibly more then that.

At the other extreme is what I want for me.

Things that have nothing whatsoever to do with clan life. But have everything to do with being normal and accepted as such. Things I can never have and can only dream about and long for in that deep heartache, heart longing way when you know your desire lies out of your grasp. My desires that always have to be pushed aside in favour of the clans needs and desire to bring much honour to my family.

Because when you are ninja honour is EVERYTHING and nothing else matters.

No I don't hate myself, and I don't really hate being ninja, it is all that I know after all, but I do hate what makes me have to be a ninja in the first place.

Yes, sometimes I hate what I am.

TBC