Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adolescent or adult transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Chapter Two

I returned home sneaking in as quietly as possible so as not to be seen. The last thing I wanted at the moment was for dad to come after me for the way that I had left earlier. I managed to make it into my room and shut the door without being seen and slumped on to my bed, placing my hands under my head and staring up at the ceiling. I heaved a sigh.

I closed my eye and saw that totally fantastic guy from the park and felt bitter irritation rise. Tears also came unbidden and unwanted to my eyes.

My whole life was just so pathetic, meaningless. I wanted to aspire to something more and yet there was no way I really could. I felt like screaming at the injustice of the world.

I got up and strode over to my stereo system absently selecting a CD and put it in to the player on my stereo. I glanced at the CD a collection of Andrew Lloyd Webber's music.

I liked his music and living in New York had given me the opportunity to see most of his productions live at one time or another, though my all time favourite had to be The Phantom of the Opera.

I could relate to the Phantom who had to hide away because of the abject fear he would cause if he didn't. I could understand also why he turned into what he did. ' See why in shadows I hide.' And of course there was the other line that spoke so strongly to me ' A mask my first unfeeling scrap of clothing. Pity comes to late turn around and face your fate an eternity of this before your eyes.'

I gave a cold almost cynical smile at that thought as I pressed play.

The notes of Close Every Door from Joseph filled my room it seemed to fit my present mood and state of mind quite well.

I sat on my bed and gazed at the poster of a green sea turtle on the wall dad had bought me that poster when I was very young the gentle eyes of the creature swimming in the ocean's depth spoke volumes to me, I just hadn't figured out what it was trying to say as of yet.

There were a few words written in white on either side of the turtle's head " If you talk to the animals they will talk to you and you will know each other." On one side, on the other were " If you do not talk to them, you will not know them. And what you don't know you fear and what you fear you destroy Chief Dan George."

I could relate to that too, I could also relate to the sea turtle for one other reason, I had learned from Uncle Donatello that green sea turtles suffered a disease that changed them, an almost cancerous thing where large tumours came up on flippers and over their faces, these tumours often made it difficult for the animals to eat or see. They always died of it. It was often known as the mutant turtle disease and there was no cure. The endangered species was struggling against this highly contagious disease.

I sighed and looked away wondering if the sea turtle in that poster was even still alive today. I took a deep breath and started to sing along with the song.

" Do what you want with me.

Hate me and laugh at me.

Darken my daytime and torture my night.

If my life were important

I would ask if I would live or die

But I know the answers lie far from this world."

I just hummed the next bit about the children of Israel being promised a land of their own.

I had no land promised, or otherwise. There was no security or promise of safety in the place that I called home. The sewers were not our property in spite of the fact we lived here and knew every inch of these, subterranean domain.

" Just give me a number

Instead of my name

Forget all about me and let me decay

I do not matter

I'm only one person.

Destroy me completely then throw me away."

I sighed again, this would have been a wonderful song for when I was in the lab but at that time I had been trying to keep my spirits up. There might have been a higher plan for Joseph but I wasn't about to delude myself into believing that there would be such a thing for me.

I heard a soft knock on my door and debated about answering it or ignoring it.

" Rama can I come in?"

It was Cathy's voice filled with concern and compassion. I shrugged " Sure why not? Suit yourself."

Cathy was technically my step mom. All the fairy tales had stepmothers being evil beings who wanted to hurt the child of the previous relationship but Cathy was actually nothing like that. My own mother had been far worse.

Still in spite of the fact I liked Cathy more then my own birth mom, I refused to call her mom maybe because she came into my life far too late for me to ever see her as such.

I mean I was fourteen when she married my dad and while she had the right to punish me when I stepped out of line, like I didn't all ready have enough people to do that for me, I could only consider her to be more friend then mother. After all Cathy was easy to talk to and she did a great deal towards easing tension between dad and I. She also did a lot to help dad stop riding my shell and to back off giving me a bit more space and privacy. For that I respected her a great deal, even though I didn't always show it.

Cathy entered and saw me sitting in the lotus position on my bed her own auburn hair was done up in a pony tail, she was I knew a few years older then my dad, dressed in jeans and a dark blue long sleeve top.

" Want to talk?" she offered gently.

I considered for a moment I knew that if I said yes then I was committed to talking and I didn't know if I was really ready to talk yet because wallowing in self pity was always so much fun you know.

I hummed a little of Memory from Cats before I finally nodded agreement I was tired of where I was at and didn't really want to stay in this wallowing and feel sorry for me much longer.

Cathy went over to the stereo system and turned the volume down slightly so we could talk easier before she came to sit on the end of my bed.

" Rough morning for you Rama?"

" I've had better" I remarked indifferently.

" Some days are like that you have to shovel a lot of manure just to keep from being buried in it." Cathy remarked casually.

" You ought to know a bout that you do it often enough" I joshed lightly.

Cathy knew a great deal about shoveling manure, you might say she was an expert on the subject, she worked at the Bronx zoo after all and shoveling manure happened to be one of her many duties.

" True but that is why I know when to shovel and when to ignore. Know what I mean hon?" she asked arching an eyebrow slightly.

I nodded.

" So what really happened with Aiden?" Cathy probed.

" I wasn't paying attention and he snuck back what more is there to tell," I grumbled.

" A lot more because you can't take the blame for his actions Rama."

" I am to blame Cathy if I had been more alert and aware Aiden would have never been hurt in the first place" I snapped bitterly.

" And you are going guilt yourself over it? Maybe it was partially your fault and maybe it wasn't" Cathy insisted " have you ever noticed how quickly Tyler gets into things when he is exploring? Some stuff even your father and the whole clan can't keep him out of. It is called life some things are preventable others aren't." Cathy informed me " You just have to learn the difference."

" That isn't what the clan says," I remarked sharply and a bit petulantly " As the future leader I…"

Cathy shook her head " Stop and listen to yourself Rama. It is like you want to convince yourself that you are fully to blame for the incident."

" Of course you wouldn't understand you are not a ninja, you don't know about clan life" I bristled slightly at her; she was saying the clan had no right to act this way.

" Honey, I might not know a great deal about clan life but I do know it isn't healthy to accept guilt for something that you couldn't control anyways."

I sniffed a bit and looked away refusing to meet her eyes. The Clan said I was responsible for Aiden but Cathy said I wasn't and I didn't really know who I should believe.

" What really happened Rama?"

I took a deep breath and slowly began to talk " I spotted the two separate gangs facing off on an abandoned lot from a rooftop. I knew enough to realize any number of them would be packing guns along with the other weapons. I could feel the tension as either side waited for that first move to be made that would start the war." I confessed simply

" With the knowledge you had you obviously were aware how dangerous it was to get involved especially as the twins were with you." Cathy stated.

" Yeah there were probably around sixty of them all together and too many risks. Maybe with the rest of the clan it might have been doable," I said.

Cathy smiled " See you are a pretty good leader you assessed the danger and thought of the team first."

' HA! Going down there would have been seppuku" I retorted quickly " Aiden thought it would be fun but he followed my orders when I said to move out. Did it almost too willingly for him."

" So because he obeyed you should have suspected something?"

" Course this is Aiden we are talking about" I reminded her " I know he was with us when I phoned in an anonymous tip to warn the police about the trouble. We continued on our rounds."

" Then when were you aware of Aiden being gone?" Cathy wondered.

" Kaliann told me he was gone and she was in panic about it. I guess she knew as well as I did where he was going" I replied " so you see if my senses had been more alert Aiden wouldn't have gotten away."

" Yes but from the sounds of it Kaliann didn't even realized he slipped away or I'm sure she would have prevented it herself. If she wasn't aware of Aiden's disobedience why would you be? You know she is closer to Aiden then you are."

" I'm older I have more training. I should have known something. I know what Aiden is like" I shot back in anger more infuriated with myself then with Cathy.

" Yes but if Kaliann didn't know I think you would be hard pressed to know. You know that they have been trained to use the natural bond."

I knew what she meant it was said twins often had a natural almost psychic bond with one another even twins separated at birth often had many similarities in their lives that could not be put down as mere coincidence and yes Sensei had been teaching them to use that natural talent to the best of their abilities.

" So you went back in time to see Aiden down in the midst of the battle trying to hold his own. Then what?"

" I didn't want to worry about Kaliann so I told her to stay back while I went to haul Aiden's shell out of there."

" But before you could get him away he was shot at" Cathy finished for me.

I nodded meekly I'd seen the glint of metal and saw the gun being aimed the sound rang in my ears as it was fired; the bullet was headed straight for Aiden's neck.

I didn't have a lot of time I grabbed a shuriken and tossed it hoping that it would intercept the bullet and hit it off its mark.

I don't think Aiden was even aware of the danger he was in he was focused on just the battle around him he raised his sword.

Meanwhile I had released a throwing dagger from my belt and fired it at the shooter then I heard Aiden's yell behind me, and the sudden jolt of pain and fear that came from him, and I thought for sure in that one moment that I had failed and lost him in battle. I trembled slightly at the memory wanting desperately to forget it knowing that it would stay with me.

Those events would become just another nightmare to haunt me along with all the other nightmares of my life.

Of course a nightmare is all they would live to be because the bullet had been hit off it's mark instead of Aiden's neck being hit it had been his shoulder of his upraised right arm.

" Sounds like to me you did all you could. Perhaps Aiden will listen to you now" Cathy suggested kindly. "Besides what could have been a killing blow turned into one that was just an injury."

" Aiden doesn't even listen to sensei all the time so why would he listen to me?" I grumbled.

" Do you listen to your father all of the time?" She countered, giving me a look that clearly said she knew the answer to that one.

" Hell no" I said.

" Then why is Aiden any different?"

" He's not I guess" I admitted

" Do you believe you did all you possibly could Rama?"

" I don't know. I don't see how I could have changed any thing."

" If you can't see it then perhaps it isn't there" Cathy offered generously.

Or I'm just not cut out to be Jonin of the Clan I thought to myself. " Is Aiden going be all right?" I wondered. Then I realized that, that should have been my first concern and not just an afterthought.

" The bullet has been removed it damaged some muscle area but there was luckily no bone damage. He won't be doing lessons for awhile." Cathy let me know.

I was relieved to hear that. It felt a bit better just knowing that there was no serious damage and that Aiden would have full use of his arm once the wound had time to heal.

" So did you enjoy your walk?" Cathy inquired.

I nodded " It was all right" I wasn't going tell her about that incredible good looking guy but somehow I found the words tumbling out of my mouth.

" Sounds like your type of guy all right. So did you get his number and name?" Cathy teased.

" You know I couldn't. If I did that I would risk exposing myself and possibly endanger the clan." I spoke in a monotone, I had heard this so many times in my life and I knew it was true in it's own way. It was one of the many reasons why I had never gone on a date.

" Then who knows what could happen we could end up in a zoo, circus or some research lab" I spoke with scorn my lip curling into a sneer.

Cathy visibly winced at my words and I realized then I had caused a low blow.

Cathy had met me only because at the age of thirteen I had been drugged by our enemies the Foot, while I had escaped them my resources weren't strong enough to get me to safety. I woke up in a scientific research lab in Connecticut, Cathy had been the animal behaviourist assigned to me. She was the only scientist who treated me half ways decent and she eventually realized I didn't belong there so she helped me escape.

As I considered that time of my life back in the lab, living in a cage being treated like a dumb animal, test galore run on just about any thing and every thing you could think of. I realized that my life then had been sheer torture.

My life at home wasn't even near half as bad as that, compared to my lab life, home life was darn near nirvana but if my life was so fantastic why did I still long so much to be allowed a bit more freedom. Why did I want to be able just to go up and talk to who I wanted without having to worry about repercussions of such an act?

I sobered grimacing slightly " I'm sorry Cathy that last remark was uncalled for."

" No I understand Rama you only meant it as you, your family or both could end up in the same sort of circumstances. I have no problem with that, I know you didn't mean it to hurt me." She smiled " Just being bluntly honest as always."

I noted that she didn't counter my words with some platitude like " go ahead it can't hurt" or something equally shallow and meaningless.

She leaned forward and rested her hand on my knee " Tell me what is it you want out of life Rama?"

" I don't know Cathy. If I knew that maybe I'd be able to find some little peace of mind" I muttered " All I know is sometimes I just have to leave the safety and security of the clan and just be around people whether enemies or friends because then I can fool myself into believing that I actually belong."

" Rama honey you do belong here." She soothed.

" Then tell me why I feel so out of place?" I demanded staring her in the eye.

She didn't have an answer to that, at least not one she knew I could accept.

It seemed it was another one of those questions that I could only answer from within myself, and it could be added to the numerous other queries that were backlogged inside of me.

So many questions and no real answers at least none of the right ones.

TBC

But I don't know when. All I know is there is going be more to tell but this one needs a lot more consideration then most my stories. Ramica.

Pretender Fanatic: Ah yes, what is a regular teen and what is NORMAL? And yes we all have our wishes but what a sad place this would be if we had nothing to dream or wish for or long for. Though it is true that money can't buy happiness. It might make misery a lot easier though.

Rama is just doing a lot of soul searching and like all teens trying to find her path in life.

Epic? Hmm I don't know if I am that ambitious with this. I'll have to see where it takes me.

Dancingfae: I'm still not sure where or how far this story is going to go or where it plans on taking Rama and I. Hopefully when the ride has come to a complete stop we will have all enjoyed it.

Reinbeauchaser: It is so nice to see that green grass on the other side of the fence but in looking at it we shouldn't forget to stop and be thankful for what we have, where we are right now as well.

Let's face it, it is nice to dream but it is also nice to realize that though things might be bad they could be worse too.

As you can see the muses have lead me on a little further now let's hope they can continue to lead me because for once I really don't know where I am going on this story.