Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Author's Note: Words in brackets are to be considered Japanese. Yeah I know that is cheating but it takes a lot less time then translating it from my Japanese- English dictionary, then giving the translation for it. Thanks all for the reviews. Ramica

Part Three

I'd been raised in the clan and I knew the truth of my responsibility and guilt in the events of this morning. I was also fully aware of the expectations I had to live up to in being a kunoichi and the future leader of the clan.

My lessons with Uncle Donatello now consisted of how to make my own explosives, poisons and antidotes, he was finally getting around to teaching me something worthwhile that I could use in my life. It took him long enough to do it too!

Meanwhile Sensei was instructing me in the sort of things I would need to know to become a leader of the clan in my own time. This meant I was learning to view things in a much more philosophical manner such as; it was for the greater good to possibly sacrifice a ninja's life on a mission of utmost importance if it means greater and better things could come of it.

A long with that was lessons in understanding other's motivations and learning to direct the operations of a highly illegal but well guarded organization. On top of that was learning how to detect those who might seek to double cross us or pose a hazard to us in the future, how to conduct ninja courts, familiarizing myself with the strength and weaknesses of those ninja who will be under me, time and logistics management and contemporary and unconventional warfare, which was often connected to the chunin's job but sensei felt that I ought to know all of it and be trained in it.

Then there were my many duties within the clan such as doing early lessons for some of the younger members of the clan, helping out where needed in the home either through babysitting, cooking or cleaning. Everyone was expected to do their share of work around the lair.

With all of that it would be almost impossible for me to not know when I had gained clan approval of my deeds or caused the clan to lose honour through it.

By everything I had been trained for up to this point I should have been fully aware of Aiden's absence there was no excuse for my failure. I know Aiden and I know what he is like. I fully accepted Sensei's rebuke and lecture for my lapse.

Yet now as I sat on my bed considering Cathy's words I had to wonder if maybe there were other ways of looking at things. I knew even Aunt Karena would not have tried to ease my guilt this was her first born after all and on top of that was the fact that Karena did not interfere in Clan business.

Clan business was not a place for outsiders to speak their opinion, she might say something to Sensei in the privacy of their rooms but for the most part she knew that ninja had to be trained a certain way.

Even Jen and Sara would not have dared to say a thing about it not being my fault. They had married into the clan but their children were to be ninja and therefore any punishment, praise, privilege, or sentence for a crime was for the leader of the clan to decide upon and dish out. If sensei said I was guilty then I was, and I accepted that. It was the way I had been raised.

But I also had been raised to keep an open mind about many things that some would never accept because they could not see beyond their own prejudice, insecurities or ignorance.

Cathy had given me some thing that I would have to consider it was quite possible she was right about this, but would that make Sensei and the clan wrong? Maybe to some extent they were both right.

Of course if the clan had found out she had done such a thing they wouldn't be too amused with her, but I already decided they weren't going learn it from me. If dad found out he would of course explain every thing gently to her that it wasn't allowed but Sensei might not like his authority being usurped and he would be likely to lecture her quite harshly for her kindness.

To Cathy the events of this morning were unavoidable perhaps even inevitable. To Sensei it was a lapse in my training permitting a mistake that could have gotten Aiden killed in a very dishonourable way and no greatness could come of his death, making it even more a tragic loss for the clan. While it might be forgivable it was something I was to view as my being irresponsible, which did not befit my future position in the clan.

As a ninja I fully accepted Sensei's position but now I could also see Cathy's position and viewpoint and I was trying to figure out how the two opposing view balanced against each other.

Of course I might only want to accept Cathy's truth, as it would vindicate me allowing me to shirk my responsibility it isn't my fault! Was all too easy to say and believe. Perhaps that was my reason for wanting to accept it. I longed to be free of some of the guilt that was mine alone to bear. I wanted the chance to say it wasn't me and I wasn't to blame.

I sighed it was another thing I had to think about, all this thinking was bound to fry my brain but I couldn't seem to stop it either.

I would have to think about this later I had a lesson to teach after all and it would not do to be late for it. I didn't need another lecture from Sensei today.

( ) ( ) ( )

Once the class was over I decided I best go check up on Aiden and pay him a visit as it was only proper and I really should have done it before now I went into the kitchen to grab some fruit.

Karena her figure a little thick around the middle after bearing four children but was otherwise still in fairly good shape, her blond hair falling in curls around her head. She was busy preparing a tray of tea for Splinter

" Rama could you be a dear and take Splinter his tea Leo is busy and can't do it at the moment and I have to help your dad get lunch going for the children."

Translation Aiden had to be receiving his lecture probably one on not sneaking off or being a bit more obedient to the person in charge.

Either way I didn't need to hear it, even casually, and I might as well make myself useful for the time being. Besides I didn't mind visiting with Splinter.

Although the old ninja master's hair was now more grey then brown and very thin in spots, his hands now shook terribly and his arthritis seemed to make things more difficult for him with every passing year. His walking stick, which he once had used sparingly, was now used to support his shaky slow steps. I could only imagine how hard it had to be on my dad and uncles to see their beloved father becoming like this when they had known him when he was fairly young and far suppler. I myself recall my childhood and how he acted back then and I know he had gone down from what he had once been.

I remember at the age of four he had performed a stunning sai katas, I recalled his sharp mind and the wise old eyes that could render a person humbled with a mere look. A time when he had been both powerful and intimidating but also gentle and compassionate at the same time. A person one could go to for almost any thing and find a willing ear to listen and gentle sage advice, and most of all a comforting peaceful presence to settle the mind and get you back on track.

Now his wisdom was harder to find and even though he was still a person to go to for problems his mind was not that clear and his advice was often muddled. He couldn't even meditate much any more as he had problems clearing his mind and of course he did tend to forget things now and again.

He often mistook Aiden for a young Leonardo, and that was not surprising considering how similar they were in looks. It was as if he wasn't aware that Sensei was full grown and Aiden hated being called Leonardo and tried to avoid the master due to this.

To me though Splinter would always be the Master.

" I'd be glad to do it Karena" I agreed and took the tray from her before heading to Splinter's room where he spent most of his time now. Besides the teapot and a couple of teacups and the fixings Karena had fixed up a plate of fruit and cheese, and some lemon poppy seed loaf cake that was still warm and two tiny plates for the treats to be put on.

When I didn't find Splinter in his room I took the tray to the meditation room and saw the master lighting some candles.

" I brought you your tea Master, Did you come in here for some peace and quiet?" I asked softly.

Splinter turned and nodded slightly his whiskers twitching as he looked my way " Yes" He agreed absently.

I had a feeling he was trying to place me, and I didn't want to help him just yet. I knew he missed his meditating time and would often just come in the room and relax with a book for a while.

" Why don't we just have the tea in here then Master? We can sit down and enjoy a cup of tea together," I suggested kindly. At one time the only furnishings in our simple meditation room were a couple of mats and cushions and a low table. But we had recently added a small wooden table and some well cushioned chairs so that Splinter would not have to try and lower himself to the floor and back up again as it was a bit more of a struggle for him to do so.

" Will you do the ceremony Ramiela?" the Master asked his nose wrinkling and his eyes looking at me with anticipation.

He was suddenly feeling quite pleased with himself because he had placed me, obviously his mind had wandered from present times for a moment but now he knew and I could sense it. This was one of the reasons why I was never quick to clear in who I was when he wasn't sure. If he continued acting confused I would of course let him know but I think he gained much more when he did it for himself.

" If you wish Master. I could also speak to you in Japanese to make it proper" I declared cheerfully I knew the Master preferred speaking in Japanese now, in fact he seemed to have a better recall of things when he spoke Japanese though I had no idea why this was.

" I would like that very much Ramiela" Splinter agreed " And perhaps later you will sing for me?"

" ( I'd be delighted to sing for you whenever you wish it Master. Come sit down then and I will serve you.)" I helped him to his chair and settled him in it with one hand and balancing the tray to set it down on the table before pouring the tea and preparing it to his likings. I didn't fill the cup up wanting to leave room for the hot liquid to slosh around though not spill over if Splinter's arms began to shake too much. I then prepared a plate of snacks that I knew he would like from the fruit, and cheese and added a slice of the lemon loaf cake as well.

" (It is an honour to be able to serve you most noble and esteemed Master you look in good health today.)" I began simply.

"(It is a pleasure having your company and you are too kind Shen)" Splinter responded.

I knew he meant Tang Shen his owner Yoshi's wife. His mind had wandered a little bit again.

"(It is Ramiela Master and you are most welcome,)" I corrected with as much tact as I could. I knew he couldn't help these lapses of his. In actuality he was having a pretty good day from what I could gather. He had his good days and bad days and I had to admit he had far more good then bad at least for now.

Today was a very good day for him for though his mind was wandering it only seemed to need a gentle correction, on bad days it took numerous corrections to get him back on track.

I saw him startle a bit and his eyes narrow before he spoke" ( Forgive me Ramiela for but a moment I forgot where I was.)"

"(You are forgiven. You meant no harm I know that Master, and truly I don't mind it happens we all forget things,)" I soothed.

I knew though it was this forgetting and failure to recall what time he was in that had caused Sensei to make the difficult decision of asking the Master to step down in the first place. I think Sensei would have preferred to let him stay.

Splinter though was aware of his problem and fully agreed that he was no longer fit to be Jonin of the clan and it was time to step down, at least by doing so he maintained some of his dignity, something that would not have happened if the position had to be taken forcibly from him.

I was fully aware that the Master probably wasn't all that old in human years but being a mutated rat meant that his life span might not be that of what a human was expected to live. Rats only lived around a decade or less, in that aspect the mutation had added to sensei's life giving him years beyond what he would have had otherwise. Still his internal clock was obviously winding down though Sensei believed that the Master would still be around for a few years yet.

The two of us continued to follow the dictates of the tea ceremony that required one to slow down and appreciate the beauty of all things, to complement and enjoy time together in relaxation. Splinter could not always meditate but the tea ceremony was almost a simple aspect of meditation in and of itself.

Splinter seemed to scrutinize me closely as I poured a second cup of tea for him "( You seem troubled Ramiela.)"

I shrugged troubled, now what would I have to be troubled about, besides every thing that is. It had taken a while for him to discern it but he had picked it up.

"(Maybe a little Master but it is nothing really,)" I demurred.

He reached out with his long thin fingers that were slightly bent and crooked from the arthritis in his hand and touched my cheek with tenderness, his eyes narrowed before he nodded his head " Troubles often bother us less when we share them child" he spoke with care and love as he switched back to English.

I knew that but problem was I didn't know how to speak of all that troubled me I thought if once I did it would be like opening up a hole in a dam and all the water would just come pouring out wiping out everything in it's path.

How could I even begin to talk of things that I myself didn't understand if I didn't understand it how would any one else? Another set of my problems dealt with the sort of things that couldn't be changed so what use was there to complain about it? Another part of my problems meant admitting that I wanted nothing to do with being a jonin of the clan no matter how far in the future it might be. To admit it was to hurt those I loved.

Addled as his mind might be at times he still had the ninja ability inside himself.

" I appreciate your wisdom and insight Master and I will keep it in mind" I replied honestly.

" Better to act on it as well as keeping it in mind Ramiela" Splinter insisted.

Before I could respond the door opened and Sensei entered he bowed slightly towards Splinter.

I got up and bowed low to him " Would you like me to get you a cup and plate so you can join us Sensei?" I offered.

" I'd like that Ramiela." He replied simply.

I hastened to do so and when I returned I served him as well as a sign of my respect towards him.

" Thank you Ramiela" he arched an eye ridge at me.

I wondered if somehow he was still not pleased with me, though I was unable to detect such feelings from him.

" Aiden will be all right now Ramiela, he even admits that he went against your decision to avoid the conflict."

That had to be a first. Aiden could be very stubborn; he always had been even before now and in a year he would be thirteen. Aiden also hated to admit when he was wrong. Kaliann was often the only one capable of getting him to give up on some crazy idea. She was a quiet and dedicated student making her more like her father in that aspect.

Perhaps Aiden's statement and acceptance of his role in this morning's events, was it really only this morning? It seemed like so much longer then that, was a sign that he might be starting to mature a little. If that was so then patrolling with him just might get a whole lot easier but somehow I doubted it.

" That may be Sensei, I'm glad he came to no lasting harm but I know I failed you by not being aware of his absence sooner" I said with all sincerity.

" We learn from our mistakes Ramiela, perhaps you and Aiden both will learn how to avoid such mistakes in the future" Sensei hinted lightly.

" I will try Sensei," I agreed humbly bowing my head.

" I'm sure you will," he agreed as he reached over and gave my shoulder an affectionate gentle squeeze to show me his earlier words were well meant.

Splinter glanced at Sensei " Ramiela I think is greatly troubled Leonardo."

Sensei turned towards me a questioning look on his face.

" I' m a teenager isn't being troubled expected?" I asked lightly. " I mean it is normal isn't it?"

Sensei sighed and shook his head " You are any thing but normal." He stated casually and a hint of teasing in his tone.

Yet in reality that was the truth of all my problems rolled into one. I longed so much to just be a normal teenager. Though I wasn't exactly quite sure how one defined normal I knew that there was no way one could ever cast me as a typical teenager.

Was it normal for me to feel so unsure of myself? I was raised as a kunoichi, which meant I should be confident and sure of myself. I should feel honoured that I was selected to become the future Jonin and I didn't feel any of those things. So how normal of a ninja was I?

Normal teens got to hang out with their friends, to go places, to maintain jobs or play sports, they could drive cars even and I didn't do any of those things. About the only thing I had in common with teenagers was that I did argue with my dad an awful lot.

Lets face it though when you live your life in hiding because you were a mutant turtle and your whole life and well being revolved around being ninja and living in a clan trying to gain honour how normal could you really be?

TBC