Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Part Four:

I left Splinter and Sensei alone, I had a feeling they wanted to talk privately so I excused myself saying I was going go check up on Aiden.

I knew he was all right but I also knew it was part of my duty to the clan to check up on those who had been injured under my command. It was one of the many duties that were expected of me and it was a responsibility that I wasn't allowed to shirk. Then again I wasn't supposed to shirk any of my responsibilities but the ones that fell under future Jonin were ones I had to follow or I'd be in trouble again. Seems I was always in trouble lately for one thing or another.

If Sensei had found out that I had skipped out on it he wouldn't be amused with me and I had, had quite enough of feeling I was in disgrace with him as it was. I wasn't about to invite more on to me for today not if I could help it at any rate.

I went into the infirmary where Uncle Donatello was filling Aiden in on what needed to be done for his injury while it healed before releasing him.

" Ramiela you're late" Aiden mocked as he saw me " You should have been here before now" he insisted.

I snorted contemptuously " You should have listened to me in the first place Aiden" I snapped bitterly, " If you had you wouldn't have been hurt at all and…"

" Settle down I don't need another lecture," Aiden growled cutting me off quickly.

" If you ask me you could use a lot of lectures Aiden."

" Well, I'm not asking you am I?" Aiden retorted.

I sighed and took a few deep calming breaths reminding myself that I wasn't supposed to be here to get into a fight with him. I was supposed to be checking up on him. Besides it wouldn't be right for a future Jonin to go pushing a fight over such trivial matters.

" Look Aiden let's just drop it okay?" I pleaded with him as I did my best to rein in my irritation.

Aiden eyed me suspiciously as if expecting some trick but finally nodded acquiescence.

" Sensei give you a bad lecture?" I wondered.

" Yeah and I have to type up an essay too" Aiden grumbled.

I knew about essays. Our family loved to give these really long involved essays as forms of punishment, usually they were on some stupid matter, well let me rephrase that maybe the subject matter wasn't all that stupid but I'm pretty sure we were the only children who could write a twenty thousand word essay on the effect of manners in society, or the values found in other's opinions. I swear I could write an essay on writing essays, you could pick the most obscure subject known to man and I could write a long essay on it. Most of the children in the clan ended up ruing the day that they ever learned how to print and thereby write.

Pretty pathetic I know! But what can I say between my dad and sensei both; I have managed to write quite a few essays in my time and most of them between the ages of twelve and sixteen. I still get essays I have to write now and again and I find the older I get the more obscure the subject matter and the longer I have to write.

I pitied Aiden knowing his transgression from this morning he probably had to do a fifteen thousand-word essay on Obedience or responsibility towards those who were older and thus more knowledgeable then he was, or some thing to that extent.

I hated essays!

Don interrupted to tell Aiden he was free to go and Aiden like most of us wasn't going stick around in the infirmary any longer then he absolutely had to.

As Aiden headed for the door he turned back; and looked my way " I'm sorry Ramiela I really should have listened to you."

Now he figures it out!

" Yeah, well all water under the bridge as they say. Couldn't you have been happy just sitting on the rooftop and watching the battle out of harm's way?"

" I was hoping to you know, put a stop to it maybe talk some sense into them before things got too bad. I mean I doubt their gang war would really solve anything it is as stupid as our fight with the Foot." Aiden shook his head morosely.

Our fight with the Foot was an old vendetta that went back years ago it didn't involve us at all.

It involved our Master's Master. Hamato Yoshi, who had loved Tang Shen and his rival Oroku Nagi. When Nagi beat Shen, when she refused to love him, Yoshi ended up killing Nagi. Instead of accepting his fate and committing seppuku to restore honour he took Shen and came to America. He didn't know Nagi's younger brother Saki would be raised with hatred in his heart and the sole desire to avenge his brother's death, to restore honour to his family's name.

Saki killed Shen and Yoshi and our Master was left alone to scavenge. Some time later he found the turtles in the radioactive mutagen that transformed all of them, and Splinter had asked his four sons to avenge Yoshi's death. They had, and now the Foot longed for our death because of it, an eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth; and a life for a life. It seemed so meaningless so senseless and one had to wonder how much further it would go on. If this was all we could ever expect out of life?

" One thing you have to learn Aiden is as good as we are we can still die. Putting yourself in danger is something that yes, we do on a regular basis," I explained " but we also have to pay attention to our limits. We don't want to get in over our heads or someone is bound to die needlessly."

" Yeah but it is different for you Ramiela" Aiden grumbled.

" I don't understand what do you mean?" I was confused and wasn't about to hide it.

" Just because I look like dad everyone expects me to act like him too! As if being ninja isn't bad enough I have to be a carbon copy of my father" he grouched, " Your dad isn't the ninja Master" Aiden's tone had turned sharp and biting " I have no intentions of being Mr. Perfect, or the great leader or even dedicate myself to ninjitsu to the point I exclude everything else. Hell there has got to be more to life then eating, sleeping and breathing ninjitsu."

There was a whole lot more but we weren't allowed to have it, or be a part of it, because of what we were. At twelve it was easy to see that Aiden was going be a rebellious teen but then again Aiden had always been a bit of a rebel at heart. Determined to do things in his way acting too often on impulse.

" I'm not dad and I don't want to be. I don't see why everyone expects it from me either. It's not like I'm going be the leader any way" he paused and smirked a bit " that is your job."

" Don't remind me Aiden." I muttered.

I wondered if a lot of Aiden's behaviour could be put down to him trying to act in some way that was different from Sensei.

His words at least provided me with some fresh insight if nothing else. I knew what he meant too for I myself had often heard others say " Pity he doesn't act more like his father." If I had heard such comments said surely Aiden had as well.

He did look a great deal like Sensei, he wasn't quite as tall yet and he had five fingers on each hand but otherwise he was sensei in looks if not in nature and attitude.

" I'm not my dad and I don't want to be. I'm Aiden," he declared emphatically as if announcing something I was not privy to.

Perhaps this also explained Aiden's aversion to caring for the Master as Splinter often called him by his father's name, though I knew the Master meant no offense Aiden still saw it as such.

I sighed wearily shaking my head "It is amazing what expectations can do to a person huh?"

Aiden gave me a blank look as if he thought I had suddenly slipped my shell.

" You know people expect you to act more like Sensei because you look like him. They expect me to be the Jonin of the clan one day and that is a lot of pressure to put on us."

" I'm not my father and I am not going to be" Aiden repeated firmly in disgruntlement.

" Yeah and I really don't want to be Jonin either." I confessed even as the words left my mouth I felt like it was blasphemy or the next thing to it. I winced inwardly for I knew it was true I didn't want it or any thing to do with it.

" Seems to me you haven't said anything otherwise" Aiden pointed out as we entered the living room.

" How can I Aiden? It is suppose to be this great honour. How can I tell the Master or Sensei that I'm not interested or they made a mistake and they have to get someone else. I can't do that," I moaned.

Aiden gave me a sympathetic look and shrugged indifferently " Maybe you only think you have to live up to their expectations." He hedged.

" It isn't that easy Aiden. I only wished that it were. It isn't just the expectation it is everything that goes with it too" I reasoned " It has honour and to reject them would be saying I have no faith in the leaders of the clan. A ninja can't choose which missions to take or avoid that is the chunin's job. The Jonin says this job must be done, the chunin sets the task to the Jenin and the lowly Jenin can only accept and hopefully bring honour to the clan." I knew that was how it worked.

Aiden nodded " I don't have to be leader and I get to be a lowly jenin, looks like your stuck though." Aiden cast a sidelong glance my way " What would you rather do if not leader of the clan?"

I smiled slightly Aiden obviously hadn't been made aware that he was soon to start training as chunin, both he and Kaliann would be expected to fill that position. They were to be my seconds. I decided to keep that information to myself for the moment.

" Me? I'd be happy staying a Jenin to the day I die. Maybe have a family of my own if I could ever find a guy who would take me over some human" I grunted a reply.

" Well you could still have a family," Aiden announced.

" Think again Einstein. You know how little time your dad spends with you. I probably wouldn't have much more time for a family. I can't be a mother and run a clan too," I grumbled a little irritably.

I knew Sensei did love his family and he did make time in the evenings to be with them. I also was fully aware that any adult was willing to care for another's kids while their parent was busy elsewhere.

But even with that knowledge I didn't know how I was supposed to end up balancing the two. I had heard being a mother was a full time job and being a Jonin was more then a full time job. Could you picture it trying to handle an intense battle while you are worried about little Johnny's fever back home?

Suddenly I admired my dad and how much he had been there for me in my childhood in spite of all the training he had to do and his work, which took him away from me.

Then again dad was never going to be the jonin of the clan but still it couldn't have been that easy for him to manage both positions he held especially as he had been seventeen when I was born.

I knew just from my own experience that patrols or ninja duties could keep you out to very late at night often not coming home until after three or four in the morning but I had been an early riser as a child and often had dad out of bed before five to start the day. Or the times I had been seriously ill and instead of doing his duty to the clan he would stay by my bedside caring for me. Or how he worried when I was gone too long or missed curfew.

All of those things, that he did while caring for me and being a ninja, managing somehow to balance both.

While I was often irritated by his over protectiveness I had to wonder if maybe he really couldn't help acting that way towards me. His job whether caring for his child; or the city we lived in was to protect. After long years of keeping me safe he was now forced to stand back and watch me enter numerous dangerous situations so I too could be ninja. He couldn't avoid it; all my training had been leading to this point.

I don't think I had ever seen it quite like this before and I knew I would have to think about this some more later when I got a chance. It might even be worth meditating on.

Perhaps dad couldn't help telling me to be careful, or don't go rushing into things but his many warning had only irked me making me feel he would never let me grow up if he had his way. I suppose that wasn't too far from the truth either, but I had always seen him as holding me back now this new thought cast things in a different light.

" I'd want to be there for my kids Aiden, the way your mom is for you. Course I'll probably never have the chance to have any children of my own so it doesn't matter."

" Yeah! You're going to die a virgin," Aiden taunted. He had heard me say that once or twice and every once in awhile he would tease me about it.

Though I didn't find it very funny!

I was surrounded by people in love who cared for each other and it hurt knowing I would probably never feel what it was like for myself, it hurt knowing I would probably never know the joys or pains that came with being a parent.

I was supposed to be kunoichi I ought to know these things course I was kind of glad my family skipped that part of training and said that it was something special that I ought to give to someone I loved and wanted to share my life with. If they trained me in it, then it would be rather revolting when you got down to it.

Still I wanted to know what it was like to be loved so much to share that special act with someone and I knew that it would probably never happen in my lifetime.

Aiden and Kali might have no problems attracting someone in that way. It was known in the clan that Kali's looks could break hearts.

" Yeah cuz but at least I won't die from being a baka you know" I retorted my charitable mood towards him coming to an end " And you keep going the way that you have been and that is how you will die. You almost died today," I reminded him sharply.

Aiden winced " I know dumb move." He admitted " And you can't make many of those and live to tell about it. I would have died if it hadn't been for you."

I sighed he suddenly had me feeling bad about yelling at him for his remark.

" I realized I should have listened and I could have endangered Kali too. I might not want to be dad but I don't want to go getting Kali hurt" he moaned.

I doubted Kaliann would get hurt she was far more careful, stopping to think things through. But his impulsive nature could drag her into things.

I placed my arm around his shoulder being careful of his wound as I gave him a one armed hug.

" Your impulse is part of who you are Aiden but I think the knowledge that you gained today will help you think twice before rushing into things that might end up hurting the ones you love" I replied, not knowing if it was true or not, but I could hope " You're not your father and I don't want you to be. You are your own person after all."

" Sometimes I think you are the only one in the clan who sees that. I think our lives would be much easier if less was expected of all of us," Aiden grumbled.

" You could be right Aiden but if there was no expectations made of us, we'd have nothing to aspire to. Sometimes we expect things from ourselves too you know."

Aiden only nodded then left to grab some lunch while I sat for a bit in the living room puzzling about the many expectations made in our lives.

How some were easy to live up to, others were far more of a challenge, some you longed to ignore or have no part of in your life and others you readily accepted with ease.

I knew what was expected of me. I knew Aiden had his own expectations to live up to or not as he chose, and I suppose we all do to some extent or another.

I realized what a better world this might be if adults stopped to realize the pressure and stress they put on their children by wanting them to achieve so much. A lot of times the children's desires and the adult's desires probably didn't match up because the child often wanted something totally different.

Like with me being a jonin, but I couldn't see how to get out of it without hurting those I loved.

If I could give an essay to the adults in my life it would be on the positive and negative effects of expectations.

Perhaps Aiden wasn't so different from me. It seemed he was trying to figure out who he was and he knew it didn't lie in his father's shadow it could only be found elsewhere.

In the meantime he had to deal with the responsibilities and prospects that were placed on his shoulder's to bear.

For him, he could refuse to be all that his father was but I knew in my heart that I could never reject the role of Jonin much as I wished I could pass it on to someone else. No some how some way I would have to find a way to live with it.

TBC

Pretender Fanatic: I don't know if any of the questions Rama poses will be answered or not. Some might be and others might not. Life's answers never come easily and sometimes they change as we get older. I'm so glad Rama is sounding like a real teen. It has been some years since I was last a teen and I don't know many teenagers. This makes it harder to write and have that believability. Thanks for the review.

Silver Sky 45: Thanks for the review I know I answered you before. Glad you enjoyed the Rama series so and have come to accept her as a part of the turtle's family.

Reinbeauchaser: Ah yes Rama's views on life could in deed be helpful elsewhere. A little Rama insight into how she views her life in the sewers and to those around her. Thanks for the review.