Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Part Five

After having a bite of lunch I decided I could use a little straight talk, some plain no nonsense telling it just like it is talk.

There was only one person in my family who would give me that, without the added benefits of lectures that is. Uncle Raphael could always be trusted to play straight with me. In fact the only times he never really answered my questions is if dad had asked him specifically, to avoid doing so then I'd get the 'ask your father' bit.

Uncle Raphael refused to tell me what I wanted to know under those circumstances because of his long standing friendship with my dad. However any thing else was fair game and I also knew that he would keep my secrets except for a few instances and in those times he'd let me know it was something I ought to tell the others.

The most important thing about it all though was I always found his advice and insight into the world as being quite valuable and informative.

Dad continued to insist that Uncle Raphael was a bad influence on me as he often encouraged me the wrong way causing me to do little thinking for myself. As far as I was concerned he was just a lot of fun to be around and he knew more ways to get around rules then I ever thought of. On top of that he had taught me how to swear in several different languages, he made it a point to learn swear words in several languages so he could cuss someone out in their own language when necessary.

How could one not appreciate an uncle like that?

Some of my favourite childhood memories were ones of Uncle Raphael. He had been a playmate and friend in my youth, a sparring partner in my adolescent and always willing to spend time to hear me out. He was far more relaxed about letting me enter fights when I patrolled with him but I knew in his own way he could be protective of me. It was just that Uncle Raphael's type of protectiveness was far different from my father's. Dad just couldn't sit back and be nonchalant about such things maybe for the simple fact that I was his kid and the last thing he wanted was to see me in the midst of a highly dangerous situation.

Still I thought that was a fairly lame reason to tell me to stay back or be careful, or think twice before entering any battle. Damn it! I was nearly an adult not some seven year old; I couldn't see why he wouldn't treat me like it. I was seventeen and a trained ninja handling life and death situations almost every night of my life in some way or another and yet dad seemed to continue to view me as his ' little girl' instead of the adult that I was.

I found Uncle Raphael practicing in the dojo he looked up from where he was beating a dummy into submission.

" Care to spar Ramiela?"

" Not right now" I replied.

Uncle Raphael narrowed his eyes to slits gazing at me " So who are you and what have you done with my niece?" he gave a mock growl.

" Wouldn't you like to know?" I teased him.

" Yeah, I would unless this involves somethin' to do with Kaida." He stated.

" I have no trouble with Kaida." I insisted because it was true enough.

" Lucky for you the little dragon has a thing for her big cousin" Uncle Raphael grinned a bit.

I think it amused him that his fiery daughter would sooner listen to me over almost any other member of the clan and it wasn't just due to the fact I was her sensei either. Kaida was fairly small for a four year old but what she lacked in size she made up in spirit and temper.

She had olive green skin colouring and red hair, which she had inherited from aunt Sara, three fingers on each hand and five toes. Kaida took great offense to her size and relished in causing all sorts of trouble around the lair and when she got mad well, everyone was well aware that her temper made a funnel cloud look tame by comparison. She more then lived up to her name of little dragon.

I rather liked Kaida I thought she was the most interesting of all my cousins and the fact of the matter was when she was in an agreeable mood, which I admit wasn't all that often she was the sweetest thing. A true split personality she was.

" Kaida and I understand one another but I need to talk about me" I confessed.

Uncle Raphael nodded " Let's go take a walk through the sewers kid then we can talk uninterrupted" he offered.

" Sure" I grinned I also didn't want people over hearing what I had to say and I knew in a family of our size someone was bound to hear something.

We didn't really eavesdrop on one another as that would be rude but it didn't take much for some one to pass the dojo or enter the dojo and overhear something that maybe they shouldn't. Of course some of the younger members of the clan might go into the eavesdropping bit just to catch on to what was going on around them.

We left together and headed out through the labyrinth of the sewers waiting until we were a good distance away from the lair before he turned to me.

" So what is bothering you Ramiela?"

"Everything" I said, " and nothing."

He snorted a bit at my reply " Ain't that always the way" he muttered.

" I want to live a normal life and not have to deal with the kind of problems that I seem to be stuck with." I declared quickly.

" You are leading a normal life for a mutant ninja turtle that is" Uncle pointed out.

" Yeah but I mean being able to drive, go out on dates, have a job and not spend the rest of my life worried about losing my family to some battle while we are playing heroes to the city." I explained in exasperation, " Maybe you don't understand any of this" I groaned.

Uncle Raph turned and I saw a smirk on his face " You think I don't get it? Let's see you keep looking at what your friends have, you want to live like normal people and kiss the sewers goodbye, to hell with all the hiding and fighting. You want a part of that good life you see every day but can only look in on and never be a part of" he paused, " in short you are looking for acceptance an hopefully a way to get rid of most your problems. You think life will be better."

" I know it will be," I declared firmly then I gave him a sharp look " How did you know all of that?"

I knew Uncle Raphael could be very perceptive and he had good instincts but some times even with all I knew about him he could amaze me.

" I was like that when I was a teen, only in many ways I was worse. I had it bad…" he sighed a bit in a retrospective sort of way.

I scowled " Had what bad?"

" A.I.W.H.A." Uncle Raphael grinned a bit, " adolescent insanity with hormonal anger."

I sneered a little at that response " Yeah right!" I grumped.

He placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. " Hold on Ramiela, trust me I do know what I'm talking about here. Hasn't your dad ever told you what I used to be like?"

" Are you kidding me? He all ready considers you a bad influence on me" I insisted.

" Yeah, well Leo and I fought often we sort of agreed to disagree and we'd trash the whole lair at times in our battles, I'd go sneakin' into bars and drink myself into a stupor or close to it, I'd take off and not tell anyone where I was going be gone for days" he admitted " I got angry easily and let my anger get the better of me. I was pretty unhappy with my whole lot in life."

" You actually snuck into bars? Oh wow, you have got to like so teach me that," I begged quickly.

He gave me a sour disparaging look " Uh-uh Ramiela not in your lifetime"

" Aw come on Uncle Raphael it will be so much fun" I pleaded with him eagerly.

" Oh yeah lots of fun and when you come home smelling of booze your dad is going kill both of us. Not to mention what Sara might do to me."

I gave him a dirty look " You are so whipped!" I told him, " You should never have gotten married but you wouldn't listen to me!"

As far as I was concerned Uncle Raphael getting married and having kids of his own had been a great downfall of one of the best ninja to ever be found. Ever since he got married he seemed to take things far more into consideration that he just never let worry him before.

Sara just had to say " we are not going there" and he didn't, even when she didn't say it, like in this particular instance, he still seemed to mind her.

I thought it was all pretty bad and pathetic but Uncle Raphael he didn't really seem to mind or notice how he changed from before, so he didn't see any problem with it.

Love I realized could do funny things to people and I didn't know if I would ever get a chance for it to do funny things to me or not. I mean I was Kunoichi I could control my own self and my environment I didn't have to play a fool for some one.

" Ramiela what you have to realize is, even if you did have that life you will still have problems. A lot of what you are going through at this moment is just normal desires to fit in and belong." Uncle Raphael explained, " You figure if you looked human you could be accepted but that isn't always the way it goes."

" Sure it is. I wouldn't have to hide and I could enjoy my life, I could be more free to do what I want and dad wouldn't worry so much." I told him in reply.

" You really think it is that easy? Haven't you noticed that every one has their problems and responsibilities in life?" He inquired " Karena never knew her parents she was raised by a very strict grandmother, Sara lost her parents and had to make some very hard decisions about her life and what she wanted out of it, and Jen well, her perfect marriage shattered when her baby died of SIDS."

I sighed these were things I knew about my family even Cathy herself I knew had lived with a drunken father and constant moving making it difficult to find or make a friend. Poor Aunt Jen though had lost quite a bit in her first marriage after Nicole's death.

Uncle Raphael hadn't finished though " Then there is your friend Jessie he had his share of problems with his speech impediment and every bully around beating up on him for it before he learned a few things from us." He paused shook his head " You see it in people you know Ramiela and you see it in those you don't."

" What do you mean?"

" Teens often end up feeling the world is against them no one understands, they commit suicide, overdose on drugs, suffer from stress and pressure of belonging in a group and feeling overwhelmed by demands and life in general."

I saw now what he meant I'd seen it on the streets I had heard it in the news often enough teens killing other teens over really stupid things like racism, bullying that had gone too far, street racing. I had heard of all sorts of stories of teens who just snapped, as it were, and doing all sorts of unspeakable acts to teens, adults and young children even.

Some people laid the blame on parenting and either lax, or too strong discipline, others blamed violence in things like movies; video games and what have you. The wild and angry teen a mere product of our society and what was wrong with it but no one seemed to worry about how to fix it.

" Look Ramiela you'd have problems if you were human too. Maybe other girls would hate you for being too smart, the cute guy you would just love to notice you goes out with some other chick, meanwhile the dweeb you wished you could lose follows you every where ruining your image and lifestyle."

I smiled laughing a bit at the image he had brought up in my mind " I'd just be trading my problems then won't I?"

" Yup, and the worst of it is you still might not feel that you are normal or fit in for that matter."

" Yeah but what about…" I paused uncertain how I was to continue what I had started.

" Ramiela look at it this way all right, most of your problems probably won't mean that much to you even five years from now because they aren't as big as you think they are."

I snorted contemptuously " Easy for you to say you don't have to be the future Jonin on top of everything else" I snapped.

I think I could easily deal with all my other problems if I didn't have that one. I would willingly be happy dying a virgin if I didn't have to worry about being the future leader of the clan and failing it miserably.

" No I don't have to be Jonin, but Don and I now have to split the chunin details. Ramiela you have a long time before you have to deal with that aspect of your life. Leo will be jonin for at least the next thirty years or so."

Barring any of the unforeseen circumstances, that seemed far too likely in our lives, that is.

" I don't care I don't want to do IT!" I yelled giving voice to my frustrations and listening to the echo of my words ring off the concrete tunnels mocking me.

" Ramiela…"

" No Uncle Raphael. I can't be Jonin."

" Maybe you don't think so now but by the time it comes you will be ready to lead and you will know all you need to. Just try to remember one thing."

" What?" I asked.

" Don't take the jonin thing too seriously hold on to your humour kid."

I sighed miserably how could I tell him or any one in the clan for that matter that I just didn't want any thing to do with the whole jonin idea.

Jonin- the responsibility, the power, the stress and most of all the unending dread that I felt inside me when I thought of what lay ahead.

" Look Ramiela I'm not into philosophical thinking that is Leo and Splinter's way not mine."

" I know," I agreed.

" Fine but you ought to know it was Splinter alone who pegged you for it. Leo had nothing to do with it, he is just going along with the Master's wishes."

" Why me though? Isn't leadership supposed to be passed within one family, so it ought to be Aiden or Kaliann who succeeds Sensei as Jonin."

" Traditionally yeah that is how it is done but Splinter views us all as his children so you are still part of the family, you are in essence his granddaughter. Part of it is because you are the oldest, the rest of it is something that I think Splinter just sees in you that told him you are suited for the job."

" What did he see that I can't? I almost lost Aiden today." I complained.

" What he sees in you is something only Splinter and maybe Leo knows but I have not been told, maybe it is your dedication to being ninja and your desire to live up to the code of honour" Uncle Raphael shrugged indifferently " Doesn't really matter he made his choice and you are it. Your choice is to continue to deny it, as you have been, or accept it."

" I haven't denied it out loud until now." I muttered. " I know I'd dishonour the clan by denying it out right."

Uncle Raphael stopped and turned to face me cupping my face in his rough calloused but gentle hands " Ramiela by denying it even silently as you have been causes distress and loss of honour."

I winced I knew he was right and I knew he was only saying it because it had to be said it was the truth and that was the way he played it with me. I sniffed a bit and looked up at him he had a sympathetic look on his face.

" Leo was twelve years old when he took the role of leader of the rest of us in battles. He had his share of doubts, fears but he tried to live up to what Splinter saw in him. Leo didn't get a chance to enjoy childhood not the way the rest of us did, but you don't have to give it up just yet." He smiled at me " You can still be Ramiela and a kunoichi of the clan until Leo steps down as Jonin and that is some way to go yet."

True enough being jonin seemed a distant point in my future some thing ahead of me but not necessarily really part of me or who I was as of yet. Though I knew Sensei had survived many long intense battles in his life I still doubted my ability to ever be his equal in leadership.

" At one time you didn't even think you could handle a sai but you wanted to do it so badly and you achieved it in spite of your doubts and fears."

" You're saying if I wanted to be a good jonin and worked towards it that I'd be able to do it."

Uncle Raphael gave a slight nod of his head and arched an eye ridge " Quite possibly yeah but that is your decision."

Some decision either I accepted this and worked towards it, because it was my path and do the best gaining honour.

I could accept it reluctantly and probably end up being less of a leader and my reluctance of my position would cause both myself, and the clan loss of honour.

Or I could just deny it outright and lose all honour for myself.

I was kunoichi honour was supposed to be everything, even more important then my own wants and desires because as a ninja I should want to do the missions given to me by the Jonin and I should willingly accept my future position too.

I knew all of that and yet still my decision eluded me I still wasn't sure what was right for me and if I was willing to accept all that came with being a leader of the clan.

We returned home in silence my mind thinking about all it meant and whether I really felt up to accepting the challenge or not.

When we got home I decided to take time and play with my younger cousins it felt so good to forget every thing for a bit and chase them around as we played games of tag and hide and go seek around the play ground. Some of the older ones called to me to show off some new move they had learned in their lessons and I cheered their hard work and triumph praising them about what fine ninja they were becoming.

For a while I just relaxed, laughed, shouted and played with the young ones varying in age from around eight to my baby brother who was only a year.

They were truly the lucky ones in the clan the biggest problems in their life was older cousins, or siblings picking on them, the occasional small injury from rough play or falling and all of a sudden, much as I wanted to be treated like an adult, I found myself wishing that I could be a kid again.

Things just seemed so much simpler and easier when you were this age. It was a darned good age to be when you thought about it. I realized then and there that growing up really wasn't all it was cracked up to be sure you had all these extra privileges you didn't have as a kid but you also had all the extra responsibilities and demands that went with it too.

TBC

Pretender: Well the Rama series just might get around to a fic where she is Jonin of the clan but I don't have any story really planned that way just yet.

Lenni: How many parents go around telling their children your going to be a and that is final! Or want their children to take over the family business. This is really no different. We are talking Rama though and Jonin or not I don't think she will ever give up on joking around and having some fun.

Reinbeauchaser: A good punishment can last through the years and from generation to generation. Essays are just one of the clans many disciplinary measures.

Thanks all for the reviews!