Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Chapter Seven:

Usually I looked forward to my lessons with Sensei, even if the lessons did cover things about training me to be the future leader of the clan. I kind of liked all the different things that it went into and I enjoyed the training for what it was, it was where these lessons were taking me that I had problems dealing with and accepting.

There was so much to learn I wondered how I would ever learn it all or even remember it when I needed to. Worse yet would that information keep me from failing? Somehow I doubted it.

I knew people could make mistakes no matter how careful they were, something unforeseen and totally unexpected could come up out of nowhere. A little insignificant error on one person's part could cause something else to go amiss or awry.

If you didn't believe me just look at the day I was having and you'd know exactly what I was talking about.

In short all the training in the world would never prevent me from making mistakes I knew mistakes only happened to help you learn from them and grow. Making a mistake meant there was room for improvement.

I really had no problem with any of that, except for the fact that I knew in my heart that making a mistake as a jonin could cause trouble for the entire clan.

Natural as mistakes were and could be in day to day life jonins could not afford to be wrong. Any error, any hesitation and you might lose far more than honor. You could lose your nerve, you could lose respect of those who followed you, or you could lose lives. If all life was sacred, then the loss of a ninja, unless the loss brought great honor, was a terrible crime.

Yet today I found myself wanting to escape maybe even skip out of Sensei's lesson but I knew if I did skip out that Sensei would quite literally have my shell. My dad might joke about chucking me out of my shell but Sensei didn't joke about such things.

I just had a strange uneasy foreboding feeling about this evening's lesson. Though I knew I couldn't avoid it either. I didn't know why I felt so gripped by this feeling of dread I all ready had the lecture so there wasn't much to worry about…

Come to think of it maybe there was something to worry about Sensei hadn't disciplined or punished me for my lapse on patrol this morning, perhaps tonight's lesson could very well be my discipline and I knew very well what that could mean.

Essays were probably one of the easiest forms of discipline he dished out, there were other tasks that Sensei was fond of giving like cleaning every weapon, not just cleaning them mind you but polishing them, sharpening blades or points, and oiling the wood all to his specifications in record time.

Or dusting and alphabetizing our library of books, one had to remove one book at a time fully dust it until the shelf was clear then clean the shelf and replace the books in order and subject. The problem with that chore is no one ever bothered to put them away correctly once it was organized sooner or later you'd end up with books out of order or war books mixed in the fiction area. To make matters worse if you somehow managed to get just one single book out of order Sensei insisted that it had to be done all over again right from the beginning, putting the wrong book in its rightful place just wouldn't do.

Then there was polishing the dojo floor, which I thought was kind of a waste of time considering we did live in a sewer but trust me on this one, you don't dare ever say that to sensei's face.

I did once, only once mind you and I'm not going there again!

So that was what I was dreading and what sat like a lead weight in the pit of my gut. I wished I could pick up something from Sensei to give me the slightest hint a bit of a clue as to what I might be in for but I wasn't able to detect a thing from him.

I supposed I would know soon enough and I think I would be just as glad to get it over with.

I knew Sensei's last duty of the day was to give me my lesson, then he could finally spend time with his wife and four children, course he still did patrols but that was usually at night when Karena and the kids were sleeping.

Sensei's other duties were numerous and time consuming so sometimes he delegated some tasks to others in the clan. I knew that he was the one who wrote up the patrol schedules and the training schedules for the ninja lessons, always wanting to hear immediately about any problems in the classroom or topside, ensuring there was no problems that might get out of hand between individuals in the clan because we couldn't afford big battles amongst one another where the family might end up picking sides, teaching lessons of his own, keeping an inventory of food supplies and medical supplies we had on hand, managed to maintain the clans finances the money mostly coming from the so called rent payments all my aunts and Cathy herself paid out of their job earnings.

These were just some of the duties Sensei had to deal with now he was jonin and one day I would be expected to do it as well.

Our clan I knew was different from most ninja clans as in normal ninja clans the low ranked jenin never got to see the head of the clan, only the chunin would deal with the jonin. The chunin was the go between bringing orders to the ninja. So it would be totally unheard of for a jonin to be in battle with the jenin of the clan.

In our clan though the jonin was always available to those under him, and he lead the way into battle until too old to do so. I had heard my dad tell me that Splinter had once joined his sons in many battles until it became dangerous for him. Our clan also did not follow the dictates of seppuku or total banishment we only had each other and the world topside could be a dangerous place and so we had to look out and protect one another.

When the time came for my lesson I steeled myself for whatever was ahead, whatever sensei was going to dish out I could manage it.

Or at least I hoped I could.

I walked into the dojo and bowed low, lower than I normally did, and then made my customary greeting.

He bowed in return greeting me in kind " Rise Kunoichi, I think we need to talk."

I gulped nervously at his words, talk about what subject I wondered my lapse from this morning, all of my misdeeds of late including taking off this morning the way I did, both or none of those?

I didn't know if I wanted to talk about any of that though I had learned that Sensei had his way of making me face the things that I would rather avoid no matter what.

Sensei reached out to gently stroke the side of my face with a hand.

" Ramiela I am well aware that the things you determine to do, you can get right stubborn about and won't be deterred from until you achieve your goal."

I gave a flicker of a smile at his words and saw him arch an eye ridge slightly.

" You can also be very stubborn about things you don't want to do as Don will attest to. You are not at present happy with the honor bestowed on you, and I can understand that but you are acting up in ways that could be endangering others."

I winced dad had said something like this might come up but what did he want from me?

I turned my head away trying to avoid his scowl. I suddenly longed to be anywhere but in front of him.

Somehow I had still ended up dishonouring myself, and my clan in spite of wanting to do anything but. I wanted to turn away in shame and disgrace. I had failed, why was it that seemed to be all I was able to do?

Sensei gave me a tender smile " Ramiela I am aware it is not easy and it is a great deal of responsibility to bear for you" his dark blue eyes were warm and gentle " Do you think that choosing a future jonin is as simple as pulling a name from a hat?"

" I highly doubt that" I scoffed at the very thought, " But I don't know why I was chosen either Sensei" I moaned.

" There are certain things one must look for when choosing a future leader, the rest is molding and training that leader into being who they are meant to be" Sensei explained " Some things that are considered are the spirit of the ninja, certain traits or experiences that allow the jonin to know the ninja is worthy of the title, sometimes it takes long hours of meditation and numerous other requirements."

I was curious to hear all that went into it and had to wonder what other requirements were looked at or considered " Does any ninja meet the entire criteria?"

Sensei chuckled a little and shook his head " I doubt it. One just needs to know and see enough to be sure of the choice that is made. Splinter saw enough in both Raph and I when we were younger but in the end Raph's attitude and behaviour caused him to be passed over."

Sensei was full of surprises today with all I knew about my clan I had never known that Uncle Raphael had once been considered as the future jonin of the clan. That he, might have been, where Sensei was now if things had been different. Somehow I couldn't even picture it.

" Uncle Raphael really?" I asked astounded.

" Really Splinter saw something in him as he saw something worthy in me. Now Splinter has seen something in you too, something he has seen for some time Ramiela."

I had a feeling I knew what he was talking about the Master had two sayings about me, one was I knew far more than I let on. I had no idea what he meant by that I felt I was far too confused and uncertain most of the time to know much of any thing.

" Splinter also says that you are far more of a ninja at your age then we were at that time." Sensei stated, picking up on my thoughts with ease

That was the Master's other saying I was seventeen and with all I knew about ninjitsu I was still only very much aware of what I didn't know about it. Hell when my dad was my age I was a baby.

" You don't really want to be jonin do you?" Sensei asked suddenly.

I squirmed a bit how could I answer that? If I told the truth I'd hurt him, if I tried to lie to him I would still hurt him and he would know I was lying.

He looked at me expectantly and I realized this wasn't just a hypothetical question that he was bothering to ask me. I had to answer choosing to ignore it wouldn't be allowed.

" Ramiela I want an answer" he said sharply.

I cringed inwardly " No I don't Sensei" I confessed blurting out the words while blinking back tears. I wasn't going to cry not here at any rate, even though I was bitterly aware of how much I must have let him down.

Sensei stared at me calmly " Why not Ramiela?"

" I'm afraid that I will fail and dishonour the clan and the teachings and everything. Its so much Sensei and I…" I paused and took a deep breath " I don't think I will be worthy of it."

Sensei turned and placed his thumbs under my chin raising my head so his eyes could meet mine.

" Then all our training is useless until you are ready to accept it kunoichi, for if you take what we give you, in the place you are at now you will surely fail."

I knew it. I was glad he knew it too maybe now he would see the futility in keeping me as the future jonin and I would be spared the unwanted task and title.

I reached out tentatively with my own senses trying to figure out just how disappointed he was in me now that the truth was out. Surprisingly I didn't detect a hint of disappointment in him but that was all right I think I more then made up for it.

Somehow much as I was hoping he would release me from the duty I had a feeling it wasn't going to be that easy.

" From now on kunoichi instead of our lessons you will meditate because as the future jonin you must give your best in everything that you do and you can not be afraid of failing." Sensei informed me briskly as he turned to walk away.

" Sensei you just said that…" I protested. If he knew I was going to fail I couldn't see what meditation would do for me.

Sensei turned back " You are the future jonin Ramiela that can not be changed. The fate of the clan is in your hands and in the choice you make. But I am not going to waste any more of my time until that choice has been reached." He snapped giving me a hard look through narrowed eyes before walking away.

It seemed I was stuck with this though I was doomed to fail. I knew I had failed Sensei and Splinter as it was by even admitting to it but perhaps this small failure ought to be easier to take then the failure of the clan itself.

I highly doubted that all the meditation in the world could change that and yet it seemed that it was my assignment until further notice.

TBC.

Ninjalara: I all ready sent you a separate e-mail on your queries you posed. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story.

Danceingfae: You better believe Mike went through a lot before. You know might be another reflections story dealing with how Mike came to accept Rama as the future Leader. Hmmm, the possibilities. Whether the talk did Rama any good only time will tell.

Pretender: I may put a bit of myself into characters but then again at some point they take on a life of their own.

Lenni: Mikey is well used to Rama by now hence the insight on her. Rama does try her best to be a good sensei. Sorry you forget what you said your memory might not be so bad if I updated quicker but this story just isn't one of those that one can write quickly.

Or I can't write quickly at any rate.

Reinbeauchaser: One can not be timid with Raph's kids or they might just run ya over. And yes the three girls will be I'm sure more than a handful for the couple to deal with. Mike uses his ninja balance for a great deal including dealing with his teenage daughter.